It made me think about what I'm going to tell any potential "thinkers" who may contact me about trying to have a baby on their own, now that I'm a Contact Person for Los Angeles. A question I see asked so often by women in their early thirties or younger is "should I wait?"
I've had mixed feelings about having waited until 39 to have a baby. For me I feel like it was the right choice to wait until the last minute - I could have no unresolved feelings about "but what if Mr. Right was just around the corner?" or feelings of having unfinished business in the world (career, travel, etc). But having a baby older does have its drawbacks. As you know my pregnancy got complicated at the end, and this was very likely due to my age. I also had difficulty getting, and staying, pregnant, which was almost entirely due to my age, and cost several thousand $$ more than it might have cost a younger, more fertile person.
Then there's the "what comes next" issue, which for me and most of my fellow bloggers is the possibility of baby #2. For me I'm still in the 99.9% against camp; but it's again largely due to my age. If I knew getting & staying pregnant wouldn't be such an expensive crapshoot at my age, and if I could space the babies out 5+ years or so, I might do it. But at 40 I don't have that luxury. At 34 or 35 I would (and might have had a less traumatic pregnancy/birth experience the first time around).
Part of me also wishes I hadn't wasted my entire thirties going on endless Internet first dates that went nowhere. I could definitely have lived very happily without the memory of all that rejection and heartache. Wouldn't it have been better to spend my 30s family building rather than aimlessly dating and getting involved in disastrous real estate investments? Maybe these young women are onto something.
But I'm trying to put my 40-year-old brain into my 30-year-old body. During those years I still had the fantasy that I'd meet some awesome guy. I still hadn't gotten a handle on my anxiety and depression. I still ran my business every year like it was the last year. In other words - I just wasn't ready to be a mother.
And I know now that I am not, and probably will never be, ready to be the mother of two. Still I see the loss and disappointment around the blogosphere lately around baby #2 for people and it breaks my heart. You ladies are rock stars for throwing your hats in the ring again, I have to hand it to you. I wish I could be that certain and just forge ahead, damn the torpedoes, like I was for Bumpus. But mostly these days I think about how nice it is just the two of us, and how lucky I am I even got to have one at all. That's where I'm at.
Oh, I have the exact same feelings about waiting or not waiting, too! I wish I had started earlier. But if I'd started earlier, I might not have been ready to do it on my own, to give up on the dream of having a husband to do this with....there's no easy answer. Except that having this little boy in my life is hands down the best thing I have ever done.
ReplyDeleteVery well said! I wish I had started earlier but realistically, I wasn't financially or emotionally ready any earlier. & I agree with Shannon, the one thing I know for sure is that having Elena is by far the best thing to ever happen to me & for me, cancels out all the rotten decisions I made prior.
ReplyDeleteGood post. I had thought about freezing my eggs when I was 35yrs but the 10+K cost made me balk. Now looking back, my advise to younger women would be to gather up the funds somehow and get that done so you can stop stressing about fertility and still give yourself time to find a husband, enjoy life etc.
ReplyDeleteReg second baby, in my case I am 40+ so if all goes well with this pregnancy, it will be my only one and I have no qualms about having an only child. There are lots of ppl who have one child out of choice so its not such a big deal to me at least.
AS someone who waited till 40 to even begin trying, I so wish I had begun years earlier- everything else be screwed. I can't help but wonder if the miscarriage was affected by my age. If this next cycle works, I will be blessed if I make it to a healthy take-home baby.
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