So close, so far

I keep having this thought of “it’s coming up so fast, only two and a half months, or less.  It’ll be here before you know it.”  But then I think that’s actually quite a long time in some respects – a long time if I have to cope with gestational diabetes, or getting increasingly uncomfortable (manatee), or waking up five times a night with heartburn. 

My Mom Guru friend provided a wonderful alternative to the dreaded 3 hour GD test – she said she too failed the 1 hour (a lot of people do, apparently) and instead opted to test herself at home a few times a day with a home meter.  She still has the meter and testing strips that’s she’s going to loan me.  She said she and the midwife felt this was a far more accurate display of how your body is actually reacting to the food you eat every day, rather than what happens after you chug a sickly sweet drink that’s unlike anything you ever eat or drink.  Nobody has called me from Kaiser yet to request I come in for additional testing – maybe they’ll leave it to my next midwife appointment next week – but I am definitely going to try this method.  This was a HUGE relief – I’m kind of looking forward to monitoring myself and seeing what happens.  If I actually have gestational diabetes I definitely want to know it!

I had a real whirlwind of a last few days, during which I was hardly at home at all.  I have to say I’m looking forward to the day when I can use the baby as an excuse to get out of those marathon days when I leave the house early in the morning and don’t get home until late at night – the poor dog wasn’t walked all weekend, and I had to somehow squeeze in another giant grocery trip and cleaning up and cooking into this crazy schedule of activities, leaving my feet and hands swollen and me feeling generally exhausted.  Not exhausted enough to get a decent night’s sleep, though – every night I’ve been doing the popping awake an hour after I fall asleep, then being awake until the sun comes up, then tossing and turning until 11 AM or so and then giving up and getting out of bed because I have to start my day.  Am I grateful I have the option of staying in bed as long as I need to?  Absolutely!  If I had to haul ass out of bed to a job it would NOT be pretty.

The ripple effects of the old jitterbug’s death last week have been very unpleasant.  I feel like I am in a sea of people with no clarity who are all acting out and being irrational because they don’t know how to handle their grief.  This guy was very special to us – probably the most beloved of the LA old time dancers – and a few people who shall remain nameless have been acting very badly.  One has been driving me positively nuts insisting that I personally organize the memorial service for the widow, which would be a massive, emotionally-charged undertaking that I’m not convinced the widow even wants.  Another person has lashed out cruelly at those of us who are trying to raise money for a nice flower arrangement for her, saying, “she doesn’t want that crap.  Flowers die.”  Um…huh?  Let’s just say people are getting really irrational and crazy.  I constantly have to remind people that we didn’t own him, that his family needs to take the reins and we need to keep a respectful distance.  I think everyone’s just thinking of the time their dad/grandpa/mom/grandma died and are acting out now never having resolved those feelings.  I understand the grief, feeling guilty we didn’t go to see him more, etc etc.  But right now I’m tired and cranky and I have cankles and people need to stop bugging me.

Then out of nowhere a close friend’s dad had a massive stroke and died.  I realize I’m getting to that age now where friends’ parents are going to start dying (well, hell, where my own parents are going to start dying), but it’s definitely a shock when it happens.  So there have been a lot of tearful phone calls and grief going around lately.  I was in the car yesterday and this black cloud descended on me…I just started thinking about these people dying, and how tenuous pregnancy is and how I can never relax because anything can still go horribly wrong at any moment, and how in the midst of life we are in death, etc, and the next thing I knew I heard Livia Soprano’s voice in my head saying, “it’s all a big nothing!”  So let’s just say I had a “moment”. Luckily these days my “moments” don’t last long – in the old days that would have set off a spiral of depression for days or weeks, but this time after a tear or two I cheered up and reminded myself this is a happy time and we’re only thinking happy thoughts.  And this is very much true. 

Saturday I went to Ojai to visit another old time dancer who just turned 90 and she delighted me with a surprise baby shower.  It was beyond touching.  She and the other gals that were with us gave me adorable little outfits and cards that I will treasure – I’ve started keeping a keepsake pile of things like that.  One day I can say to my son, “see that lady in that old movie?  She gave you your favorite stuffed animal!”  I feel very privileged in many ways right now. 

I finally found a place to drop my old religious materials.  I went to the “place” and dropped the bag outside the door, after determining that it was open and someone would find it when they locked up.  I ran away really quickly and kept checking my rearview mirror as I drove away to make sure nobody was following me.  Paranoid much?  As my bandleader friend described my leaving the books, “here, you take back your bullshit.” 

Speaking of bullshit, so we had a little scare with my mother last week – I had sent the 4D pictures via e-mail to the family members, and hers immediately bounced back with an automated note saying she was “on vacation” until “at least” end of January, maybe more.  My sister and I of course immediately went to the dark place and thought she had gotten much sicker with her mysterious ailment and maybe had gone into a scary “facility” run by our old church in which people go to grow tumors and die…but then the next day she responded to my e-mail in person, and our uncle said she was just taking a break from her translation work for a couple of weeks to work on her music.  Whew!  I know the day will come when she’ll kick off for real, and it could happen any time, but can it just not happen right now…?  And if it does, will someone tell us?  I don’t know.  It’s all very complicated and shrouded in secrecy and lies, as cults usually are.

So on the physical front, I have started doing the “kick counts”, which is kind of fun, and another way to have the illusion of control.  So my previous trimester fears have now been taken over by third trimester fears – cord wrapped around his neck (at least based on the 4D ultrasound I know this wasn’t the case as of last week), my developing some weird illness that requires an emergency action, my tripping and falling, the baby not getting big enough/getting too big, etc etc.  Last night I posted on my board that I had gotten out of the shower this morning and my entire belly was bright purple and had anyone had this happen before – most people said sure, it was just a reaction of being in a hot shower, but then of course one lady had to mention the story of her sister in law who had this happen and discovered it was because the baby wasn’t getting enough oxygen and they had to do an emergency c-section.  Good times!  No rest for the weary, eh?