Going paleo

I figured it’d been a while since I went on a man rant, so I thought it’d be time to dust that puppy of a subject off one more time.  Join me, won’t you?

A fellow blogger’s post really got me thinking.  It was about still having lingering feelings about never having found a partner, and the inadequacy and self-loathing (my term) this brings on.  And as you know I still have those feelings, too, even though every logical cell in my brain says, “but that’s not true, because of X,Y,Z…”  Still, I think we’re so conditioned in this society to want a traditional marriage that it’s hard to overcome a lifetime of that brainwashing.  The societal mantra is “you’re nobody until somebody loves you,” and they’re not talking about family, or friends.  They mean a man (or a woman, as the case may be).

So yes, agreed that I still have those feelings of sadness that I never found someone (despite my entire life everyone promising me that I would), agreed that I am quite bitter because of this, and agreed that I pretty much have zero hope that a satisfying love relationship will ever come my way at this point.  Still, there are certain things I’d like to point out.

Lately I’ve had a theory about us IUI/ICI/IVF Choice Mom types.  Mainly, that we’re acting entirely on our biological imperative as it pertains to both women and men.  The way we go about procreating, the men do what they’re biologically determined to do – deposit their sperm, and then go away.  We do what we’re biologically determined to do – get pregnant, and then nurture the offspring until they’re capable of taking care of themselves.  Anyone who thinks it’s man’s nature to get one woman pregnant and then stay with that woman until they die is kidding themselves.  It also is not (most) women’s nature to never have children.  In today’s world with so many choices, internet porn, and internet dating providing an endless display of available women, most men I know deter child rearing until later and later – most men I know don’t really think about having children until they’re in their mid-late forties, and as we all know, by the time we women are that age it’s just about over for us, and the men our age just want young, fertile women.  My eight years of constant internet dating showed me one thing – that nearly all women want to get married and have children, and very few men do (most men have to be tricked into it like it’s some 1950s romantic comedy we’re all living in).  So, what do you do with this?  You do what increasing numbers of us smart cookies are doing – say the heck with it and get yourself knocked up by some faceless broke college kid with great motility who jerked off for $50 one day. 

Is this “natural”?  Not in the sense that actual sex has not occurred.  But is it exactly in line with our natural, biological instincts?  I believe it is.  Now, so is murder and tribalism and those things aren’t so great either, but at least this little bit of natural instinct + modern technology is keeping the species going, and allowing kids, albeit absent of fathers, to be born into loving, well-prepared homes to mothers who want them very badly. 

Does this mean dads are useless?  Does this mean there are NO good men out there?  Does this mean all men cheat or are basically bad guys who don’t connect with their kids?  Of course not.  Unlike some women I can’t look back on my dating experiences and say they were all sociopaths, or cheaters, or jerks.  Most of them were actually pretty good guys.  It’s just that none of them ever asked me to marry them.  So, there you go.  And the single guys my age all have some kind of problem – substance abuse (whether they recognize it or not), emotional problems, internet porn addiction, etc etc.  This is the pool of mates we’re left with in 2012.  Doesn’t mean they’re not good people or basically nice guys – just not the type of person I want to tether myself to for the next forty years.  I think that’s reasonable.  And the cavewoman in me wants my genes melded with someone who’s young, healthy, tall, thin, comes from a good healthy family, and smart.  Had I had a kid with my last boyfriend, my kid would be short, squat, have bad teeth, and ADHD.  Which would you choose to propagate with?  Be honest, now.

I read some blogs of women in relationships having massive struggles in their relationships – all the back and forth, the break ups, the unwillingness to let go.  And I don’t judge them, believe me, I’ve been there a zillion times.  But the thought that always occurs to me when reading about all the drama is, “Ugh.  What a waste of this woman’s time.”  Kind of how I felt when I uncovered literally BOXES of religious study materials I had hidden away – notebooks, literature, periodicals, letters to and from my mother all about “insights” from the religion.  What a massive, monumental waste of time.  As was dating, for me.  Just an endless roller coaster of rejection and unrequited love.  Who needs it?

So yes, I still live in that strange netherworld of being jealous every time I see a Facebook profile picture changed to a ring on a finger, and at the same time smugly sitting here alone with my pregnant belly feeling like I’ve got it all figured out.  What does this all mean?  Well, I hope for a couple of things.  I hope I can overcome my bitterness about men enough to raise a wonderful man who will be able to have fulfilling healthy relationships.  I hope I can entirely make my peace with being single, enough to actually be happy for people who find love in this crazy world.  And who knows, maybe I’ll even find it for myself.  But I doubt it.