Six Weeks

I’m going to let you know right up front that the only reason I’m writing today is because I have this grandiose notion that some of you may be worried about me because I haven’t written.  So I will first off say yes, still pregnant.

However, I have been so horrifically ill the last three days that at this point I can honestly say I wish I weren’t.  I have spent three days barely sleeping, in my pyjamas with a greasy face, unbrushed teeth, mostly rocking in front of my bathtub with a small, small piece of cardboard in my hand because somehow holding a piece of cardboard feels good.  Amazingly, I haven’t actually thrown up.  I am terrified of throwing up, and afraid once I start I won’t be able to stop.  But I wish I could if only because it might, just might, make me feel better for a brief moment.  In short, I am in absolute hell, and I don’t know when this is going to end, and I’m terrified.

What tiny morsels of food I’ve been able to force down are disappearing – which means I either have to get my butt to a grocery store, or call someone to bring some stuff over.  Thank GOD I haven’t had to get up and go to a job – or do anything – the last few days; I don’t know how women do it, if they feel like this.  I don’t know how they take care of other children, husbands, work, pets, feeling like this.  It’s all I can do to walk in circles in my dining room while playing Whirly Word on my IPhone for several hours, because somehow that feels good, or go out on my porch at 2 AM in my nightgown with a small brush and sweep all the cobwebs off my windows, because somehow that feels good.  Or walk part way down my front steps at 4 AM and hold on to the cold railing for fifteen minutes because somehow that feels good.

I canceled a dinner meeting tonight, which was no big deal, but I have to sing Saturday night, and I am terrified.  I may be able to muscle through it as I did the Camp – and again, distractions and activity do actually seem to help – but I’m not sure.  I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and then maybe try to call in a sub (there’s only one) if I feel like I just can’t cut it.  I mean, beyond the getting dressed and going out part, there’s the singing part – my poor throat is so incredibly constricted and dried out I can barely talk above a rasp, much less sing for nearly four hours.  I don’t know if I’m even physically capable. 

My biggest concern is two trans-continental trips I am supposed to take in a couple of weeks – the big giant family gathering in Boston to scatter my aunt’s ashes (and tell everyone I’m pregnant), and then our last traveling band gig of the year, to DC.  Unless things start to look up around here, I don’t know how any of this is going to be possible.  The family trip, although I would HATE to miss it, at least is less of a tragedy to miss, since there’s no flight bought and no obligation to be there.  The band trip is another story.  I have envisioned myself making a personal phone call to the organizer and fessing up that I’m pregnant, having the worst nausea imaginable, and there’s no way I can get on an airplane in this condition, and offering to reimburse them for the flight they bought me months ago.  Fortunately the organizer(s) are women so I hope they’ll understand.  God, I hope it doesn’t come to that.  But there’s no way I could go if I feel like I do right now.  No way. 

And you know what’s the worst of all this?  This is no guarantee I’ll actually come out of all this with a baby.  I could still lose it at any time.  You’ve GOT to be kidding me.  Oh, and I could still be carrying around an empty sac that’s making me feel like this.  All of this has made me really think, you know what?  If this pregnancy doesn’t make it, I’m done.  I am not putting myself through this hell anymore; it’s just not worth it.  Maybe for women who have little or no symptoms it’s totally different – if things were still as they were last week, I might say, ok, maybe it’s worth it.  But after what I’ve been through the last few days?  Uh-uh.  It’s time to start saving up for adoption, or drop the idea all together. 

So today I am going to do my best to drag my ass over to Kaiser and get myself registered.  I’ll ask them about morning sickness remedies, but I doubt they’ll have anything to tell me – there are none; you just have to suffer.  My friend brought me B6 and a ginger tablet, and I’ve been taking them, to no avail.  Oh, and by the way, all the little temporary relief methods I discovered a couple of weeks ago are no longer working, either – rice cakes, string cheese, making sure my stomach isn’t empty, drinking Sprite – now I just feel like hurling all of the time, no matter what, morning, noon, and night.  I am exhausted, drained, and utterly miserable.  I would give anything, and I mean ANYTHING, for this to just STOP.  Will I eat these words later if something awful happens?  Will I feel like I brought it on myself for thinking such a horrible thing?  Probably.  But hopefully the empathy I’ve developed in the last few months will extend even to myself – that you can’t blame a person who feels like I do right now for wanting relief at any price. 

For now I think I’m going to read the Season Three Mad Men DVD box copy over and over because somehow it feels good to do that, and tap the back of my neck on the right side because that feels kind of good.  Beyond that I have no plans.