Survived! *barely*

Survived the weekend by the skin of my teeth!  And I do mean just barely – no, I didn’t have to run off and throw up in the middle of judging a long contest, nor did I throw up and have a panic attack on the airplane.  But both of these things were inches away from happening at all times.  To say the weekend was an ordeal would be an understatement. 

I arrived sick and weak and had to beg off half of the judging they had me doing, although I think I made it through three of the contests.  The next morning I could not drag my ass out of bed (I had this new cement-limb thing going on) AND was horribly nauseated so texted I’d have to miss the first two contests, but did the rest.  At this point I told the head judge/organizer that the reason I’m still sick is pregnancy, not some communicative disease (people get being sick to your stomach one day, but two + days and they start to worry).  She was of course nothing but helpful and sympathetic, and from that point on constantly asked if I was ok and if I needed anything, which was lovely.  There were MANY times while judging a particularly long contest that I was convinced I wasn’t going to make it – I found myself as each couple left the floor looking around for a good exit route or a garbage can to throw up in.  Horrible!

The singing wasn’t much better – it’s hard to take deep breaths, push out a long note, or really get into it, when every time you open your mouth you want to throw up.  I got through Saturday night ok, but Sunday I had to leave before the third set.  It was just torture and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

So, I think I can safely say so much for the Zofran.  Oh well, it doesn’t work for everybody.  I took it religiously the whole weekend but was horribly ill the entire time except for a brief respite Saturday night, which was great because I could finally eat real meals and socialize a little, which is important at these things, and I would have felt even worse if I avoided people the whole weekend.  So basically I did the best I could, and fulfilled *most* of my obligations.  But some of the time it just wasn’t physically possible.  Luckily big events like this are set up for emergencies, so they had plenty of people to fill in for me when I just wasn’t capable.

The flights were a nightmare of closed throats, panic, starvation and claustrophobia.  So glad I didn’t try to fly to Boston the weekend before – I think it would have been far worse than I ever imagined.  And SO glad I don’t have to step on an airplane again for a long, long time.  I’ve discovered first trimester + flying are not a good combination for me.

I did have some thoughts this weekend about when the baby is here – how the hell am I going to be able to do things like this?  I mean, you can’t leave a nursing infant with someone else for a weekend…can you?  I’m assuming you’re pretty much tied to the baby for at least the first year.  And I could say I’m taking the year off and not participate in any events…but this would be bad for the band, and bad for me as an event organizer, too.  I go back and forth about this constantly, and have since I came up with this idea last November.  I mean, I’m going to be home all day with the baby, alone.  The only time I’ll get time to myself is for the occasional adult function, or for a singing gig for a few hours once or twice a month.  So my time is my own, which is great.  But then there’s these traveling weekend gigs.  For something like this I believe I could have someone come with me and serve as nanny – people do this all the time.  But just the thought of it – working a nursing schedule around the insane, packed schedule these things always have; flying with the baby; what if the baby gets sick and can’t fly, etc etc.  And then I feel guilty because I start thinking of the baby as a hindrance and an inconvenience, and then I think how my mother always made me feel like this as a kid, and it just all swirls around into this big mess of guilt and fear and regret.  My friends tell me, “don’t worry, you’ll figure out a system that works,” and I know this is true.  But I will admit trying to figure out how to travel for work while nursing a small infant is a huge stumbling block for me. 

In other news, everything a-ok on the physical front – my clinic finally told me yesterday that they had spoken to the RE I saw that one time and he agreed to do an e-mail consult with me about stopping progesterone.  Of course it is a liability thing for them – they CAN tell me to just stop now as I close in on 10 weeks, but they can’t for liability reasons; it has to come from him.  I thought you needed an exam or something, but apparently not.  So my guess is he’ll tell me to just stop now or when the prescription runs out in a week.  Personally I feel like it’s time – I would just stop on my own, but it would feel better to hear it from a professional.