I am seven weeks today. Another milestone, although I noticed with annoyance last night that the size of the baby did not change at midnight on my WTE pregnancy ap as I’d hoped – he/she is still the size of a blueberry.
Sickness is changing shape, too. The last few days I have not felt the need to shove food in my mouth the minute I open my eyes so I won’t be sick – the half-filled bag of rice cakes has sat unmolested on my nightstand for a while now. So although I feel a little queasy in the mornings it actually is turning out to be the time of day when I feel best. Now my big challenge is dinnertime. Lately I’ve felt VERY ill around the time I needed to eat dinner, and it’s not being hungry – a couple of days ago I forced myself to eat a full dinner because I thought it would make me feel better, but proceeded to be horribly nauseated for hours after. So, no more forcing food. Obviously that doesn’t work for me anymore. It occurred to me the constantly shifting nature of this illness is kind of like adjusting to a child’s development – I’m sure with a newborn at one stage some technique works, then a month later it stops working and you have to regroup. It’s funny when I think how constant my life was before – nothing ever changing – and how (hopefully) from now on it will be about constant change. I welcome that. It certainly is a lot more interesting.
So after quarantining myself in this house for the last three weeks it has dawned on me that I have to start getting out and reconnecting with people now, whether I want to or not. This is the f-d up part; it’s way too early to tell anyone, but I am so sick all the time that I can’t be normal or do normal things, and apparently people are talking about how weird I’ve been lately. I never imagined it would be like this – that I’d be so sick, day and night, that doing normal things like going to restaurants or going out dancing would seem completely impossible. I so wish I could just tell everyone, look, I’m pregnant, and it feels like I have the stomach flu all day and night – but I can’t. And it’ll be weeks more of this before I can tell. Up until now I’ve been able to milk the post-event exhaustion, which is certainly a small factor, but now it’s too late for that. I have to resume normal activities, and I don’t know how I’m going to manage. Well, one thing for sure, with people talking about my odd avoidance behavior, they would never guess in a million years the reason!
Tonight I am going to my writing group which I delayed from last week, which entails having dinner in a restaurant first. I am terrified. I’m terrified of driving to the west side, I’m terrified of being in a restaurant, I’m terrified of feeling really sick. And again, not being able to tell anyone why. It’s going to be a real challenge, especially with the way I’ve been feeling in the evenings lately. And then to add insult to injury, if I don’t want people talking more about me I have to go dancing after and try to act normal, ask everyone what’s been going on, and go to yet another restaurant after. I wish I could just feel good for one night so I could do all of this; just one night to check in and say hello would shut everyone up. But I don’t know if I can handle the second part of this deal…or even the first part, to be honest. So wish I could just stay home and watch Mad Men as I’ve been doing every night. But, I’ve got to get out of here eventually, might as well be now.
Again I don’t know how women survive feeling like this and having to work a full time job. I would just die if I had to get up and work every day – I would have to quit. I know one woman who did just that, but she has a husband. What do single pregnant women do, feeling this sick, and having to work? I guess they just suffer!
Still, don’t get the impression from my down sounding blogs lately that I’m depressed or anything. Sure, I’m sick, but it’s manageable (as long as I don’t leave the house), and every day that goes by with no spotting is a real joy for me, and fills me with confidence that this one just might work out. Hopefully I’ll know all by next Tuesday – I hope whatever happens in that appointment is conclusive, not a “well, we see a fetus but it looks underdeveloped and we can’t hear a heartbeat, but that could be normal, so come in in a week and we’ll try again.” I hope there’s none of that crap. I hope it’s either yea or nay. Preferably yea.
I was in your shoes and remember how awful I felt. Sick constantly and too soon to tell most people. I had to tell one of my coworkers because she was so worried that I was truly sick. Gradually it will go away and you will begin to feel normal. Be careful about work though, not to upset you but people don't get it and they can be real jerks. I hope they are kinder to you because it is awful to feel that bad and have to work like you feel normal. You can do it!
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