OK, I am officially out of food, so now I must finally get my act together and go out and do a huge shopping trip, which sounds about as appealing as sticking my foot under a lawnmower. It’s mostly the hauling of the heavy bags up flights of stairs to my house that I don’t want to deal with. I’m thinking of having my groceries delivered if I get really big later. Something tells me the expense will be worth it.
Yesterday all illusion of human decency broke down around here. Up until now I made a point of always getting up, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, washing dishes, and walking the dog, no matter how lousy I felt. I didn’t feel that lousy yesterday, but something in me just said “f-it” and I literally lay in bed all day and watched Netflix on my computer. I promised myself I’d get up and be productive today, which I will (and I have to, because of the food situation). I feel sort of ok – probably about 70%. Definitely have felt better the last week, although far from well. So there’s a chance I am at last on the mend as I near towards eight weeks. However, I am a bit concerned about what a slob I’ve become, what a crappy attitude I have, and how I don’t seem to care about anything. Is this what new moms talk about when they say “you won’t even have time to take a shower” – it’s not about the time, it’s that all human dignity flies out the window because you’re so single minded you just stop caring about anything but the health of the baby? This I get; I’m already there.
Just about every night now I have a dream I have a miscarriage, but every day I wake up and no blood. This of course doesn’t mean I haven’t already had a miscarriage and I just don’t know it…but I doubt that. It’s possible but I just doubt it. I know it’s just my subconscious doing what it’s supposed to do, act out all my anxieties in dreams. I take these in stride.
It’s possible my lousy attitude is a direct result of lying around for weeks, being isolated, and not getting any exercise. Also, let’s face it, being nauseated almost constantly for an entire month can start to get you down – I am definitely feeling a certain “battle fatigue” at this point. I’m ready for some good news, I’m ready to feel better, I’m ready to be pregnant for real and not have to worry it’s all going to go away at any moment and I’ll have to start all over. Anyway, the buck stops here – I absolutely must start reconnecting with friends now before they send the cops over to make sure I’m still alive, I need to get out and buy things and do things for the house, work on my event (what work there is right now, which is minimal), and I leave for the east coast on Thursday. And of course Tuesday is the BIG DAY wherein I get some concept of what’s going on inside my body (I hope!) and can maybe start to relax a little and feel like this one’s going to make it.
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