Week three

We are headed into week three of quarantine. Death tolls and confirmed cases mount. Every morning the first thing I look at is worldwide cases, then US, then New York, then California. Talk the last couple of days is that this thing is more airborne than we thought, and everyone should wear masks outside. I don’t have any fabric. Can I knit one? My guess is no. 

I only go outside to do my daily hike up to the boys’ school and back. It’s about three miles and steep uphill going one way, which means it’s way better than my old Rose Bowl loop (now closed) and, because it’s just a neighborhood and not a trail, doesn’t have very many people out and about. Every time I pass the school I look at it with longing and wonder if the kids will go there before the fall. My guess is no. LAUSD says end of April; I think when end of April comes they’ll push that to end of school year. 

The teachers have set up a labyrinthine online system - the 2nd grade teacher has five different sites I have to log into, all with different user names and passwords, plus a main google account that contains even more projects and work due over the next month. Theo has several sites he’s supposed to log into, too, and it’s completely convoluted and overwhelming. The parents are rioting and the teachers are defensively pushing back. It’s a mess. I’m over here just trying to do the basics - get Theo reading and doing his rainbow words; get Bobby doing some math and reading and writing, still probably only about 30-60% of what their teachers seem to expect from them. It sucks. Every day sucks.

Today I applied for a $10,000 grant from the SBA. I’m not sure of the terms - it’s all very confusing - but the application was easy and I’ll just sit and wait. Right now I’ll take anything I can get. I’ll put that and my tax refund into a separate account on the chance that I have to live off of it. I still have no idea what’s going to happen with my event. All our June engagements as a band have canceled. It’s starting to get too close for comfort. 

Here is a little moment of zen from my daily hike. There are a few small trails peeling off of the main road. I wish my insides were as calm as this. 

Quarantine schedule

Although I have a tight schedule printed and stuck on my refrigerator, I sort of knew all along that we would never follow it. Mostly because it assumes we’d be getting up early, which I refuse to do (sleeping in is my one luxury right now - you can pry that from my cold, dead hand) - but also because it’s just too rigid. I’ve seen posts on FB from slackers like me pushing back at (what appears to be) perfect Stepford-like home schoolers with their wipe boards and desks and art supplies; then posts from people who need structure offended that others are saying nobody does. It’s an interesting sociological experiment to see how different parents are handling this, and how everyone’s feeling a little touchy and shamed for not “doing it right”. This pales in comparison to the “stay the fuck home” shaming vs don’t tell me what to do pushback, equally fascinating (and potentially more deadly). Here is our actual schedule as it’s played out the last couple of weeks. For reference, I believe schedules are largely dictated by how many kids you have, their ages, birth order, and genders, whether you have to work from home or still go out or not work at all (me), if you have someone helping (not me, currently), whether you have access to a safe empty outdoor space for kids to play (not me). 

7:00 AM - kids awake playing video games while I malinger in bed

10:00 AM - I drag my carcass out of bed after about an hour of anxiety scrolling through the latest news and reaching out to friends 

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM - I brush teeth, shower, dress, make breakfast for kids, make kids get dressed, poop, and brush teeth

11:00 - 12:00 - kid’s school work. The teachers are slowly setting up online platforms, which is currently a huge pain in the ass, because there are several for each kid and they’re in various stages as of today. 

Theo now gets an email from his kindergarten teacher each day with a long list of busy work, including needing to video him doing something and then send it to her via email; now there’s also some class app thing where he has to do a project each day and take a picture and make a video and upload that, plus there’s another app where he’s supposed to do online reading and take quizzes, plus we’re also supposed to read and I’m supposed to quiz him on his rainbow words every day. We’ve been getting through 50%-70% of this every day before he’s climbing the walls. 

Bobby has a big pile of work with nothing online yet, but that’s supposed to change next week. I can barely get him through one of the five pages of math he’s supposed to be doing each day (especially since today we finally hit the wall of no longer doing math he was taught in school), he can do the reading but hates the comprehension/writing/annotating part, and has done two of ten daily journals he was supposed to have done by now. There are websites and access codes and PIN numbers all being sent to me via private message, email, and school app, and it’s almost impossible to keep track of it all, especially when to try to set these up on their impossibly outdated iPads means painstakingly going through each’s storage to delete a bunch of stuff to make room for all this new stuff, updating IOS and browsers, etc, none of which our currently crappy over-taxed internet can handle. Sigh. We’ve been getting through maybe 30%-50% of Bobby’s work each day before melting down. 

1:00 - 2:00 - afternoon snack/lunch. Since I haven’t made lunches for these kids for years, I’m pretty much at a loss here. Just kind of throwing things together randomly.

2:00 - 5:00 - afternoon play - legos, mostly. Video games and/or iPads also.

6:00 - dinner and bed time routine, depending. Today I’ll make B practice violin and then when they’re in jammies with teeth brushed I’ll read them a chapter of Harry Potter and then have them in bed by 8-8:30.

All day long I feel like I do nothing but cook, full the dish washer, empty the dish washer, do laundry, tidy up, manage garbage, anxiety scroll latest news & FB, take unneeded naps, watch TV, occasionally pop outside to tend the garden. 

Yesterday I e-filed my taxes and paid myself via payroll, then deposited a check to my empty household account to cover April costs. I am set for now. So much is going to happen in the next 30 days. Right now I don’t feel a need to put all my payments on hold - but I may change my mind if things start to look more dire and people start asking for refunds. The BF thinks I should apply for unemployment, but I don’t feel right about that - not unless I know for sure I can’t do my event. Maybe I should be more mercenary, but I don’t want to look at this horrible situation, with people all over suffering and dying, as a big cash grab. 

The BF is back at work trying to rustle up cash. I have mixed feelings about it. I’m glad he’s motivated, has something to do, and is relatively safe since he works alone in a workshop that nobody else goes into. I doubt his plan to make money will be successful. His being gone means I can no longer get out to exercise, and makes trying to school two kids almost impossible since they both need help with everything all of the time. But it does make the house quieter and less chaotic - mealtimes are a train wreck when he’s around, and I’m horribly offended by his awful food - sodas, chips, meat, canned food, endless pasta and pre-prepared crap, velveeta and canned cheese and other garbage, not a single vegetable or whole food anywhere. I hate it all. If we come out of this alive I can’t wait for him to take all of that shit out of my overstuffed refrigerator and freezer and leave it all at his work. It’s also nearly impossible to get the kids to bed before 10 pm when he’s around. So yeah - part of me wants him to keep going to work, part of me wants him to stay home. It’s a toss-up. 

I see lots of friends being super creative and accomplished during this; I for one have zero motivation to do anything outside of basic survival. I can’t read, knit, organize or work on any projects of any kind. Mind you all of these creative friends don’t have kids and live alone. But still. I don’t know if I’m depressed and just need to give myself this break, or if I’m just being self-indulgent and lazy. Honestly? It’s probably a little of both. But the cold, grey weather isn’t helping, and fear of economic collapse makes me not want to invest emotional energy into making any plans or working on any projects. It seems far more important to keep up with the constantly changing news than it does to be doing much of anything else. 

8th birthday during quarantine

Today is Bobby’s 8th birthday. Not how we pictured it, but hey - at least I had pre-bought and wrapped his presents with the last scraps of Christmas wrapping, and the BF snagged a small carrot cake at the empty grocery store last night. I busted my butt to set up a zoom session with some school kids, only to have no audio the whole time, and most of the kids tune in after we’d already finished. Oh well. Both Bobby and Theo are pretty oblivious to everything that’s going on - they’re just so happy to not be going to school, it kind of makes me wonder what’s happening at school that they hate it so much. I dragged them through some work this morning (with a lot of frustration and “just do this and you’re done! It’s just one more thing! It’s right there!!!” on my part), arranged all the birthday stuff, in a half hour B has his virtual violin lesson (I probably should have canceled that for today) and then we’ll go sit in the hot tub. Not bad for a birthday. Personally I’m glad it’s over so I don’t have to stress any more about trying to make a special day with all this going on. 

I’m glad I have kids that roll with the punches. I’m glad I have two kids who enjoy each other’s company. I’m glad they’re school aged but their work isn’t that important. Really, if they were different this could all be so, so much worse. They are healthy. They don’t need anything. They’re happy to be indoors and don’t miss their friends. They’re having a blast. Me? I’m functioning. I loathe the schoolwork part of the day, but I’m doing the best I can. I’m happy to be getting up late. I’m happy I have someone here helping. I’m happy I don’t have to worry about money, yet. I’m happy I’m getting a sizable tax return, that I will put in savings for now and maybe even try to invest later if I don’t need it to live on. Things could be so much worse. I’m focusing on that right now. 

 

Day ? - I lost count

The weekend was a bit better as I didn’t have to drag whiny, miserable children through schoolwork. Funny, they’re much happier when they’re allowed to play video games all day. Who knew?

But today it was back on track...sort of. Schoolwork right now is like the worst day of doing work during normal times - say, the week before Christmas, or before school lets out for the summer - but every day. It takes Bobby about an hour to get through the simplest math problems because he’s too busy staring out of the window, repeatedly dropping his pencil on the floor, singing songs, making goofy noises and faces, etc etc. I’m trying every trick in my tool box - switching up the work, sitting with him and helping, sitting far away so I’m not a distraction, threatening punishments, promising rewards. Nothing makes him want to do any of this work. Today after a conversation with a book club friend who told me some kids in her kid’s class might be in danger of being held back a grade because their parents were too busy to help them, I threatened B with this, and he seemed scared of that possibility...but not scared enough to do the work. I give up. It’s my worst nightmare to think of my kid falling behind or god forbid being held back a grade because of my own selfishness and obstinance. But surely other parents, even ones with no work right now, are in the same boat? 

Announcement came from LAUSD that school re-opening is delayed until May 1. No surprises there. I’m going to assume that will be moved to end of school year which is six weeks after that. Who knows? Everyone is living minute to minute. 

After a weekend of everyone crowding hiking trails and beaches, LA’s mayor cracked down further. Thankfully I can still hike in my neighborhood, which I’ve been doing every day. It’s a strange experience. There are for sure more people out than usual - especially on a weekday. We all cross the street to give each other space. Some people act like you’re not there; some make a point of saying hello; others exchange tense pursed lips in lieu of a smile (my preferred greeting). The day may come when even leaving the house for solo exercise is forbidden. I’m getting all the walks in that I can before that happens. 

Bobby turns eight tomorrow. I never would have imagined, eight years ago tonight as I was hallucinating that the owner of the Mexican restaurant across the street from the hospital was pushing the baby out of my body, that eight years later we would be in the middle of a life-changing pandemic that would threaten our very lives and livelihoods...who could have ever dreamed this shit up? 

The BF made a run to the completely empty grocery store to procure a small cake, and I scrambled to set up a Zoom meeting with some classmates to sing happy birthday to him, instead of the fun party we had planned for next Sunday. Thankfully I bought most of his presents before Amazon started pushing back non-prioritized products. 

Day 5 - lock down

LA announced last night that we are on lock down, effective immediately. The BF came right home from work - he is off work, and without income, for the foreseeable future. Here we go.

Part of me was happy with this news, because it means I don’t have to suffer alone with all the home schooling/childcare/home duties while he traipses off to work every day, his life utterly unaffected by anything. It’s a shitty instinct to want others to suffer along with you, but I’m owning it. Having him home means, best of all, I can disappear for an hour each day to hike up to school for some much needed quiet time, exercise, and podcast listening. He can share in some of the school duties, and even make some meals. I absolutely hate the fact that he has stuffed my green, vegetarian, economical home with junk food, sodas, unhealthy snacks and meat, but I’m just going to have to get over that. I can escape to the attic or outside if all three of these men in my life really drive me nuts, and I intend to use these outlets often.

I called my refi guy again today - he said markets won’t settle for at least a couple more weeks. So I’m going to spend that much longer not knowing if my home equity will be able to bail me out or not. I also still have no clue if my event will be able to proceed. For me personally I’m happy every time there’s a new draconian measure implemented - it means the end of this thing scootches that much closer to now and makes it more likely that by September life will return to normal. 

We should hear something from LAUSD on Monday. My prediction is they will either extend the homeschooling until end of April “for now” or just call it for the end of the school year, which is only five weeks after that anyway. The teacher messaged today that they’re trying to set up remote learning. That will be a huge help. God I hope they extend school into summer.

So far I’ve been able to drag B through schoolwork (even though we’re impossibly behind) and violin practice with threats of taking video games away, and thankfully Theo only needs to practice writing words each night, which he does well at. Then I read them a chapter of Harry Potter (and attempt a Scottish accent for Hagrid), then they go to bed.

Today the BF ventured to stores - everything gone. Thankfully I have a bag of bread flour I can still use for basic cooking. He will be the only one allowed out. I figure one person as a contact with the outside world is probably smartest. Also, I’m deathly afraid of being out and about with things so crazy. So far there seems to be law and order, but you never know. Very glad I still have my .38 and bullets locked away in the safe. 

Today Bobby did a zoom session with some other kids in his class (it was pretty much just a cacophony of kids saying “hi hi hi” over and over). It made me choke up a little to see that this is what we’ve come to. 

Day four

After posting in my feminist FB group about hating the school work, many women advised me to not stress about getting it all done. It is way too much, and not realistic. So I said fuck it and we’ve just been doing small amounts each day, sort of like normal homework instead of entire days of work. It’s just enough to assuage (most of) my guilt while not throwing the schoolwork out entirely.

Governor Newsome has hinted darkly that schools will not just be shut for the two weeks originally stated. Well, we all knew that. I do not expect schools to reopen this year at all - but I’m sure they’ll just keep extending the opening date bit by bit to keep people from freaking out. I think we’re meant to hear something tomorrow. Get ready for a collective groan from all LAUSD parents. All I can say is, they’d better fucking run school all summer to help our asses out. 

Yesterday I rallied a bit and got us out of the house for a short hike in the neighborhood. The boys whined and complained the entire time. I have to say a little sunshine and fresh air helped me a lot. I had originally intended to try to hike in the morning before the BF left for work each day, but my inability to get out of bed before 10 AM plus the endlessly shitty weather has made that impossible. If I woke up to warm temperatures and sunshine it would be different, but it’s been cold and grey and rainy for two weeks, and it shows no sign of letting up. So I just shrug and stay in bed until the kids start yelling from the other room that they’re hungry. 

Emotionally, the boys are fine. They don’t miss school or their friends at all. They are delighted by the amount of screen time they’re getting, and attention from me. I’ve been baking a lot, and I read a chapter from Harry Potter to them every night, and we eat three meals a day together. I make sure they get dressed and brush teeth every day, and do *some* school work and violin practice, but other than that...meh. I’m keeping expectations low. I hope at some point some kind of virtual classroom can be set up so Bobby can be plunked in front of the computer to at least learn from a professional each day - but I know that may never be possible. 80% of LAUSD kids are on free or reduced price meals. Like these households are going to have internet and computers! 

With all my baking I ran out of flour, milk, and butter. I asked the BF to get some on his way home. Other than not wanting to drag kids to the store, and wanting to limit infection possibilities to only one person in the house, quite honestly I’m scared to go to a store right now. My last shopping trip a week ago was quite enough for me, with the crazy crowds and unstable, menacing energy. I’m pretty shocked that a week later the stores are still like that - empty shelves, desperate people. Haven’t we figured out by now that we’re not going to be left starving in our houses, even in the worst case scenario? My mind reels at the massive amount of food waste heading our way - most people don’t have the slightest clue how to cook or meal plan or efficiently store food for long periods; this is going to be a disaster on so many levels. I’m going to have to resume shopping at some point...I’m hoping the worst of the insanity dies down soon. But I’m not going to hold my breath.

Still waiting to hear from Amsterdam, but all of our April gigs are off. No DC, no Houston, no San Luis Obispo. No concept of what will happen to my event, no word from the refinance guy. I’ll call him Monday if I haven’t heard anything by tomorrow. God, I hope he has a plan for me. To refinance and then get a heloc for as much as I can would be ideal - then the money can just be available if I need it. But I need to be prepared if refinance isn’t possible. Then I’ll most likely need an SBA loan. 

My book clubs are starting to set up virtual meetings, and I’m going to brave a hike with a friend this weekend (while keeping a respectable distance). I’m hoping for some semblance of (online) sociability to return next week...but again...not holding my breath.

Quarantine day one

I’m over it. And it’s barely begun.

Over the weekend cities shut down like so many dominoes collapsing. No bars, no restaurants, no gyms, no casinos, November! 

We are (mostly?) all on board. Yes, social distancing. It will hurt more now to make it hurt less later. I get it. We all get it. We’re doing the thing. I have only left the house once since Friday - for a short hike up to the boys’ school yesterday. Too many people out - I crossed the street a lot, didn’t touch crosswalk buttons. Still washed my hands when I got home. Some people estimate pretty much everyone in New York City is infected by now. Good times.

When the fed dropped the interest rate to 0% I immediately called the guy who did my last refinance back in 2004. He told me that no, it doesn’t mean I can get a 0% mortgage, but that yes, it’s probably a good time to refinance. He says he needs things to settle for a few days but he’ll be in touch. My hope is I can borrow upwards of $100,000 off the house now and just have it sitting there in case I can’t run my event this year. The sense of well being I could get from that would be tremendous. Cancel, don’t cancel - it won’t matter any more. It won’t be the first time this house has saved my ass. I hope I’m able to do all this. We shall see. 

But for now...I can’t get motivated. It’s cold and rainy, I have a cold, I’m probably getting my period today, and I just don’t want to do anything. The groups and posts and lists of “things to do with kids” are multiplying. People are getting up at 6 AM and making their kids sit at desks to do schoolwork all day. They are coordinating theme outfits, making cute videos of dance parties, baking with toddlers, making revelatory poetic statements about how great it is to have the opportunity to slow down and spend time with their families. It’s great. Right?

Yeah...no.

This is the worst thing that’s happened to all of us. People are going to be broke and desperate. Businesses that have been nurtured through 9/11 and recessions and trends are going to fold overnight. Even if our health survives our economy won’t. Which then changes the lives of the businesses that do survive, like mine. Oh, I’ll survive this, thanks only to my home equity. But what will my future look like, with these super bugs sweeping through humanity every few years? It’s very uncertain. Maybe I should start manufacturing toilet paper. 

Beyond this...I resent being put into a position of having to be my kids’ school teacher. There, I said it. I hate it. I don’t want to do it. They don’t want to do it. They want to play video games all day and I want to stay in my bedroom and watch trash tv. All these services offering free educational stuff to keep kids busy...they all require logging on to websites and creating accounts and picking user names and passwords with at least one number and eight letters and one upper case letter and one special character and I just can’t deal. I’m a horrible person. I’m ok with that.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll rally and get us out for nature walks and make them turn everything off and read and start making them do some chores. Maybe this is just my PMS talking. But yeah. Not feeling it.