Random Ear-Piercing Scream Day

This is apparently what Bumpus has decided today is. Really, I wouldn't be surprised if I one day discover I'm suffering from tinnitus or mild hearing loss after all the times B has screamed so loud my ears rung. He goes through phases of this - sometimes off, sometimes on. Now is one of the "on" phases. Not digging it. Not digging it at all.

I haven't written much lately because most of the time I kind of feel like poop. I'm not sure what's causing it - apart from the normal mommy exhaustion and worries, everything is fine. And Bumpus is really ok, too. He's a delight most of the time. But mom feels like crap. It may very well be hormonal so I am just trying to keep my head up and coast through it. Like everything else these days, it's just a phase...right?

I got it into my head that if B had his own room we would both sleep better and I wouldn't have to go through this up at 6-make scrambled eggs-feed baby-go back to bed rigmarole every morning; I notice when he wakes up he tends to play around for about a half hour or so (providing I don't move an inch). If he had his own room I could sneak toys into his crib at night so he could wake up and play, and then when he was really over it we could both just get up together. This sounds nice, but I'm not convinced this is entirely true - and I'm not about to spend thousands on putting the walls back on that room only to discover I'm not sleeping any later than when he was next to my bed. I'll do it if there's another baby on board - or if I know for sure there'll never be another baby. But now's not the time. So, 6 am it is, then back to bed a half hour later for another couple of hours, then I stumble around incoherently for about a half hour while B eats his breakfast muffins. I'm glad I can no longer consider myself sleep deprived - this is definitely a step up from my "every two hour nipple mangling" episode. But I still feel pretty lousy when I wake up. Join the club, right?

Speaking of hormonal, finally got a frigging answer about my prolactin levels. After hounding the Kaiser midwife for the results (which sure enough had been forgotten about and never forwarded to me), she said it "looked normal", which is meaningless, so I asked for a number - remember, the clinic doesn't want me taking and period or ovulation-inducing drugs without a good number. She finally coughed it up - 8.3, yippee! It's so odd to think it was in the high 20s when I first had it checked two years ago. Under 20 is good for ovulation. But - still no period. Which is frustrating as hell and contributing to my foul mood. At least now there's a plan, though - call the clinic Monday and see if they'll put me on Provera to get this party started. Not sure if I can try after that or if I have to wait until I cycle naturally anyway...but I guess I'll find out. It has to happen eventually, right?

Mental energy

I haven't posted lately because nothing's really going on, just twiddling my thumbs waiting for good ol' Aunt Flo. Who is technically due tomorrow - but I've got to say, I'm not feeling it. No feelings of bloat or cramping, no headaches or irritability (well, no more than usual!). And I still don't have those prolactin results-! I'm not sure who to call to see what's the hold up - maybe I'll wait until Thursday to let it be a week and then call Kaiser to try to get some answers. So I'm just in a holding pattern all over the place.

So again, if no period shows, what do I do? Try to take Provera? Should I start Vitex instead now that B is weaned? I'm not sure where to go from here. Just keep waiting? Ugh!

Lately I've been in a bit of a panic about my event which is just three months away. It is my other baby, and I have been seriously neglecting it. Tonight for the first time in ages I spent some quality time with my website doing tons of updates; it took three agonizing hours fixing all the information and correcting old mistakes. I just don't have the mental energy for this stuff anymore, and I'm worried. Why was this so much easier when I had a newborn...? I don't remember this problem last year. I simply cannot motivate myself to get any work done. And there is so much to be done - I'm so behind on so many things, and have completely let the ball drop as far as the relentless pushing and advertising I should be doing this time of year. Every night I put B to bed at 7, then make dinner, eat it, and clean up the kitchen, and by the time all of this is done I have two hours left before bedtime and I just want to zone out in front of the TV. Firing up my buggy computer and doing a bunch of highly detailed ad writing and web design work is the last thing I have energy for. You would think the evenings are ideal to finally get some work done since my days are completely occupied by B, but I'm finding the opposite is true.

I have a list of "goals for the month" that I keep on my phone - and I'm ashamed to say my "goals for April" have now all become "goals for June". I just keep putting things off and putting them off in favor of things that absolutely must get done - cooking for B, laundry, ordering diapers, making sure he gets to run around outside every day, making sure I have babysitters when needed, keeping the house clean and organized. Anything beyond that just doesn't seem important enough to deal with right now.

It is hard to do it all - being the sole breadwinner and homemaker. These jobs weren't designed to run concurrently, yet so many women married or single find themselves in this position. For me it's not that I don't have the time to do these things - I just don't have the mental energy. 

But I'm going to have to get the mental energy, because my event is coming up, and fast. And if I screw this one up I will jeopardize my entire financial future. So, as always, I just have to pull myself up, smack each cheek to get the blood flowing, and make it happen. Show time!!!

Crunch

So I survived the last of the long distance gigs last night, huzzah! This one was a monumental pain in the ass because it was at a college campus, which meant I was a half hour late and almost missed the entire first set because I couldn't find the !$&@ Student Resources Center where we were playing. And then when I finally did, I had to track down the organizer to get a parking pass and run it out to my car parked a million miles away just so I wouldn't get towed. Thankfully everything went well and we actually made a bit more money than I'd expected - and thank God for that, because May has been the most expensive month in...pretty much ever. 

I like to take pride in saying things like, "what is everyone taking about? Kids aren't that expensive!" But truth be told, they kind of are. Even my little bitty baby has about doubled my grocery bill in the last couple of months. I'm really feeling it now, and am a little concerned for the future, especially if I bring a second person into this mix. I used to grocery shop every couple of weeks or when needed - now I go every Friday religiously and even then often run out of needed essentials by Wednesday. It used to sometimes take me a month to get through one dozen eggs, and I rarely even finished a half pint of milk. Now I'm on a gallon of milk and two dozen eggs a week, and even then I sometimes run out! It's crazy! I spend about $60/month on diapers and wipes. God knows how much gas I expend driving around on pointless errands just to get out of the house and get B to nap. And don't even ask about the babysitting fees. Last night I paid another $100 to someone to sit and watch TV while B slept the entire night. Ugh.

Not complaining, mind you, just observing. Yes, kids are expensive, although the fact that he's not in daycare of course saves a fortune (except this month where I paid more in babysitters than most people pay for full-time daycare), and I try to remind myself of the thousands I save by not taking elaborate foreign trips every year, eating out, shopping full price at Anthropologie, etc etc. It probably all comes out even in the end, especially with the break I get for his healthcare, for which I'm extremely grateful.

I do worry that two kids is going to cause me to live a little too close to the bone, especially if I don't have as positive years with my event coming up as I think I do, or if some bizarre expense comes out of left field like that sewer thing (still owe $9000 on that, ugh) or if interest rates suddenly skyrocket (I have a variable rate mortgage I can't refinance out of - in 2007 when rates were at their highest I was paying double what I'm paying now). 

But that's life, you know? Everyone gets hit by unforeseen disasters. If they were "foreseen" we'd avoid them! Are fears of some bizarre circumstance enough to keep me from (at least trying for) another baby? Of course not. But I'd be lying if I said I'm not feeling the pinch. The last two months I've spent WAY more than I've made. Which is typical for this time of year - in just two months I'll be swimming in money. But right now it doesn't feel too great.

Here's a pic of me at last night's gig:

Yours, mine & ours

So I think B is starting to learn the concept of "mine" vs. "yours". He is also learning the concept of sharing, as far as "I don't want to share". For a while now when we're up in the playroom he's done this thing where he'll follow me around the room and touch all of the toys I've just touched, or come over and take things out of my hands. At first I thought, "aw, cute, he wants to play and be like mommy." But yesterday it dawned on me that no, it's not cute. He's asserting his dominance, basically saying "no, mine!" without actually saying it. Never mind that I bought him all these toys so they're technically mine. But I digress.

That was disturbing to me. It was also disturbing to me when at the park yesterday he was standing holding on to the stroller and another baby came by and was holding it, too, and he started pushing her hands away. In the moment I thought, "you could correct him, but he's too young to get it, so why bother?" I kind of sheepishly looked at the mother who sheepishly looked at me and murmured something to her baby about "that's not ours" and took him/her away. I have to say it's not pleasant seeing your sweet little baby behaving like kind of a jerk. 

Later I put it out to my mommy group on FB about when to teach about sharing and everyone said there's no time like the present, so I will start now. I don't want to jump down the kid's throat every time he exhibits an unpleasant but perfectly normal aspect of toddler behavior, but my friends are right - there's nothing wrong with saying, "it's ok, everyone can play" and if he throws a fit, looking at the horrified mother and saying, "we're trying to learn to share." I can do that. I so wish he were of an age where I can sit down and explain things to him, but that's a ways off yet. What he needs is group dynamics. If only I could afford preschool! Agh.

In other news I'm becoming a bit worried about our Miami trip in July, mainly having to do with food. He's used to a hot breakfast as soon as he wakes up at six. How am I going to do this in a hotel...? I can call and see if I can get a room with a fridge so he can at least have milk, but I am concerned about mornings - even if there's a restaurant where I could get him a plate of scrambled eggs and a blueberry muffin like at home, it's a long trek between waking up groggy at 6 am, showering, dressing, getting us both in the rental car,  getting to a restaurant, being seated, ordering, and eating. I'm now questioning how smart booking a hotel room actually was. I should have tried to find one with a kitchen. Maybe I should buy some of those non-refrigerated toddler meals, at least just for the mornings...? Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated!

Been waiting with bated breath for my prolactin results. Normally they get emailed to me the night of the test. What's the hold up? And I don't know what to do if I do get a high result - I mean, as far as I know there's nothing I can do to lower it; it just has to come down on its own. Any period I may get should show up about the middle of next week. Now's just the waiting game. The Kaiser midwife said I really should wait a few cycles to get my body back in gear - but she understands I don't have that kind of time. The clinic said the same thing. If only it were October now and I had to wait until March anyway, it would be ideal! But it's not. So, here we are. 

Speaking of midwives & such, I've been thinking when and if the time comes what I really should do is enlist a good doula rather than hiring a full-on midwife that would be a lot more expensive and a bit pointless considering I kind of have to do everything through Kaiser anyway. To go to two prenatal appointments and double up on everything sounds very unpleasant to me. After all, I don't object to the care at Kaiser; it's the billing that makes me nuts. And last time I kind of fell through the cracks because this midwife got jury duty for six weeks and I just got assigned to someone else (who was fine, btw). So. Let's think good things and assume I can labor non-induced and nobody ends up in the NICU and I can go home after a day and I don't end up spending five figures on this (potential) birth. How about that?

And so it begins

Today I had my long-awaited appointment with the very in-demand Kaiser midwife. It went well. She was glad to hear I'd overcome my fears enough to try for another baby. I of course had B with me and she said what's so true - that after a year with your adorable baby it's hard not to want another. Is cuteness really that powerful? I'm beginning to think it is.

So she signed off on my paperwork and I had the prolactin blood draw. We also talked about the pre-e / protein connection and morning sickness. She told me I could come to her for acupuncture for the sickness, which is great, but useless when you can't even leave your house you're so sick. I asked about the B6/Unisom combo some people swear by - it's the one thing I never tried because I was afraid of taking sleeping pills. I'm even more afraid now with a baby to look after; the one time I took a sleeping pill in my life I was stumbling around incoherent the whole day afterwards. But I figure if I take a small dose and only before bed...well...it's worth a shot. Anything is worth not going through what I had to endure last time!!!

As expected she was a bit skeptical about the protein loading and liver support teas/kidney support. She said all of that can tax your system, which I suspected. And that's a relief. Because honestly trying to shove 120 grams of protein into my system especially when I'm so sick I can hardly manage half a cracker, is extremely daunting to me. I'd rather up my protein in a non-aggressive way - eat Greek yogurt instead of cereal in the morning, eat more cottage cheese and peanut butter, limit carbs. That I can do, no problem. And I am wary of herbs. I just am. So it was good to get her holistic-leaning but still medical opinion about my two biggest pregnancy fears - the sickness and developing pre-e again.

She was very positive and nurturing and said everything would be different this time. And I believe that, too. I'm not saying there isn't going to be a certain amount of physical suffering involved - pregnancy is largely unpleasant even n the best of circumstances. But it'll be different because I'm different. I'm no longer racked with fears that some horrible nightmare thing is going to happen to me, or that I'll have something good happen and then it'll be snatched away. I may have difficulty getting pregnant, yes, and there may be miscarriage(s). But I really, truly believe it's all going to work out. I just feel really good about it. 

The B and V report

Thanks, as always, for the thoughtful and helpful comments on my last post. I do want to stress that I rarely feel that way. But it does come up from time to time and I thought it best to be honest about it. That yes, having a baby is amazing and I'm so grateful, but it doesn't take away the pain of no one ever loving me. Not entirely.

But hey, onward and upward, huh? The past couple of days I've just spent toodling around town doing busy-making errands. I went to Little Tokyo to buy these kawaii kid's lunch boxes and kitchen things and a bath sponge. Today I met with a fellow thinker SMC. Cooked, watered vegetables, made a new jar of sun tea. 

And called a local preschool for a tour. While B slept in the car I had nothing else to do so I thought I'd spend some time researching preschools on Yelp. It's amazing how much has opened up for us since I first thought of preschool for him - back then I believe he was about eight months old; now at fourteen months many of these places may be able to admit him by September. Most don't take kids under two or three and they have to be potty trained, but a handful start at eighteen months. And ironically the one that looked the best was one my walking friend had recommended months ago. Unfortunately they don't have their rates online, but they suggested to call for a tour first so I did. I wasn't really planning on doing any of this now, but being as these places mostly have waiting lists, I figured now's as good a time as any to talk about fall "school" for the boy. Then my event will be over and I'll know where I stand financially. If only these places were free or cheap - but they're neither. And I simply cannot afford it right now. There is a fairly inexpensive church-type place in my neighborhood but their starting age is 3, the children must be potty trained, and one too many of the Yelp reviews talked about how they love that their child is being taught about God and Jesus. Yeah - not for us. But cheap!

So I'll check out this one place, maybe a few others, get on some waiting lists and see what happens. I'm excited. I think this is going to be really good for him, and I can't wait to see how he develops with more than just good ol' mom to influence him.

So on to the Boobie and V-J-J Report. Breastasiz pain has dissipated greatly since Sunday. They are still a little sore but no longer hard and lumpy and painful - I can actually pick up B without wincing with pain, which is a relief. I do believe we are done! So, apart from a week or so of miserable pain, weaning wasn't so terrible (and if I'd had the wherewithal to take some pain pills it probably wouldn't even have been that bad - duh). I am still having strange secretions. Which once again makes me wonder if my ovulation last week was all in my head. Was it a Phantom Ovulation? Is my body still figuring itself out? Well, I will most likely have my prolactin level checked this week and I am dying of curiosity. It's supposed to be under 20 to ovulate. 

Speaking of which, I have my appointment with the Kaiser midwife that I made six weeks ago day after tomorrow. It's funny to think how I went from wanting the appointment to get an opinion about how to handle the risk of pre-eclampsia to now needing it to have paperwork signed off so I can do an IUI next month. My list of things to talk about with this woman are: any and all methods to combat morning sickness, any and all methods to avoid developing pre-e, any advice about second pregnancies, second inductions, pregnancy at 41 or 42, and how best to work within the Kaiser system. With that said I do still plan to hire an outside midwife, too. I am absolutely going to need that support a second time around. 

Last night's Newlyweds episode showed the results of two pregnancy tests after one month of marriage: one positive, one negative. I was kind of annoyed one of the wives hit it out of the park on the first try, but hey - a lot of people do! Several of my FB SMC tryers have gotten BFPs in the last few days, at least a couple on their first try. It's hard to remember that stuff like that happens all the time, especially when you're using medications and monitoring and other advanced methods. That for so many women it all just works out. Will that be me? I don't know. We'll find out in a month or so!

Second best

This is kind of a hard post to write. I like to feel like I've really got my shit together, that I'm capable, that people think my choice to have a baby on my own is inspiring and brave. And I do believe all of these things are true at least some of the time. And I mean it when I say to any of my new "thinker" friends that before the baby there were times when I thought this route was second best, but now I rarely think like that. I do mean rarely. Not never.

I went to two more kids' birthday parties this weekend. Had a nice time at both. But. It's hard being the only single mama. Today it really hit me when I had to stay inside and watch B play while all the spouses could go outside with the adults and grab a plate, have a chat, get a drink, etc. I could do none of those things, because B can't be confined anymore. The hosts were very vigilant about bringing me food, drinks, a chair, etc. And I appreciated that. At a party a couple of weekends ago my friend's husband occupied B for well over an hour so I could chat and eat. I appreciated that as well. But there's a big part of me that wishes that weren't the case, that I didn't have to be "helped". I know none of these people look down on me or think I'm not perfectly capable; in fact I know it's quite the opposite. But every once in a while I feel kind of like a charity case, and I don't like it.

I wondered what the people at this last party, who don't know me, thought about my situation. I don't have a wedding ring and was there alone. Did they think I was divorced? Abandoned by some dirt bag (as my ex-friend told her son)? Made bad choices and am now living with "the consequences" (aka my gorgeous, brilliant son)? I found myself quaking in my boots that one of these new people would ask what my husband does for a living or if he has red hair like my son. Why? I've always been so proud to proclaim, "oh no, he's donor conceived," before - what's gotten into me?

It may have to do with a conversation I had Thursday night. An older woman of my acquaintance who I like very much has the unfortunate habit of revealing unpleasant things people have said about me. Back when it was about how sick I was from morning sickness at my 2011 event, she told me later "everyone" was saying what a "bitch" I was being and that if I didn't snap out of it my event would "continue to go downhill" (just for the record, my event is far from going downhill. Last year's attendance was the second highest ever in fifteen years). That comment has stuck in my craw for a couple of years now. Then Thursday night when I mentioned I was really enjoying taking a more active role in the SMC community, she said "when you first did this, people would ask me, why would she do that?" It really bothers me that there are people out there who think I did this out of some sort of last ditch attempt at having a family or that it was something I was forced to do. It bothers me because it's kind of true.

There's just no getting around the fact that unlike almost everyone I know, nobody ever chose me to procreate with. Now in the end this doesn't really mean anything - half these people will be divorced in ten years, and I'm sure more than one woman I know goes to bed at night knowing she settled for some schmendrick just so she could have a traditional family. But I'm sure, too, more than one person has had a little snicker at my expense, thinking how low I've fallen that I had to have a baby by a sperm donor. I will freely admit that in my less empathetic days if I'd heard some woman I didn't particularly like had done this, that's exactly what I would have thought.

So I put a good face on. I know B's feelings about his origins are going to be directly tied to my feelings about it. I try to act like this was the plan all along, that I never wanted to subjugate myself to some man. That it's a joyful, positive thing. And again, all of this is true. And the longer I live this lifestyle, and now even planning another child by this process as if to commit myself more fully, the less I have those feelings of inadequacy, of my lifestyle somehow being second best to that of my married friends'. Until I go to a party where it's all couples and I see the husbands watching the baby so mom can have a drink and talk to her friends. Then, just a little bit, I feel like I got the short end of the stick.