Adventures in glucose testing

My Mom Guru friend delivered me the blood sugar meter last night.  I wasn’t planning on using it right away…but then when I survived the night not having to take any Tums (an extremely rare occurrence) which would throw off my morning readings, I decided to start today.  However, the blood sugar gods were against me.  After pricking just about every finger I have and the meter repeatedly giving me error readings, despite doing everything exactly as every You Tube video and online user manual stated, my friend told me via text I should try putting the blood on the strip while it’s already in the meter, not putting the strip in the meter after I’ve already put blood on it.  Huh?  Again, none of the online manuals or how-to videos show this, quite the opposite.  But I will try it.  Now?  No.  All of my fingers hurt (it hurts to type, actually) and I broke down and had a bowl of cereal.  So, screw it.  I’ll just have to wait to start until I have another Tums-free evening.  In the meantime nobody from Kaiser has contacted me about my results yet (although I forgot they were probably closed yesterday, so I may get the call today) so I am assuming it’s not an emergency.  It’s possible they will wait until next week at my midwife appointment to discuss my results, which as noted were not great but not in any kind of emergency zone, either.  So this gives me plenty of time to take a couple of days worth of readings and present that evidence to hopefully get me out of taking the 3 hour test.

I have to admit yesterday was a hard day for me.  I fought REALLY HARD to stave off depression and keep positive.  Some days it’s just a real battle when a bunch of crummy things happen at once.  It may be somewhat hormonal-based as well.  But just for the record it has nothing to do with pregnancy.  Everything on that front (well, other than this GD thing) is going great.  I don’t feel too bad, and I’m almost eight months along now.  I’m not huge, I’m not incapacitated, and as of right now I’m still able to wear pre-pregnancy underwear and bras.  Why I consider this a badge of honor I have no idea.  But I feel generally ok.  No, it’s work stuff that’s bothering me.  And once again, freaking Facebook is the culprit.

There was another large event in another state over the weekend, so now Facebook is inundated with video clips of all the contests and everyone gushing about how amazing it was and how awesome the event director is.  Now, do they do this for my event?  Yes.  It’s hard to remember because I was in such a morning-sickness induced haze last summer I don’t think I went on the computer much in the weeks after my event, and if I did any praise would have gone in one eye and out the other because I felt so lousy.  However, I have a hard time seeing other people’s events praised without feeling profoundly threatened.  You could say I should just accept that there can be lots of successful events and it’s ok – but the numbers indicate that some other events are growing in leaps and bounds every year, whereas mine has consistently lost people every year since 2008.  And this has amounted to a significant reduction in my income.  So unfortunately when other events get all this “buzz” and mine doesn’t, it does affect me, directly.  This is a brand new phenomenon – because Facebook has pretty much taken over all our lives especially in the last two years, I find this has a profound effect on my kind of work.  Since it’s all about “buzz” and who’s event is the coolest and who’s going where, and now everyone has more access to this information, it’s making my job a thousand times more difficult, and I am at the point where I am worried that I am ever going to be able to catch up. 

In the middle of all this I went to the website of the event I judged and sang at in DC back in August (the one I suffered horribly through) and discovered that my band, and me as a judge, are not included in the event this year.  In fact the band that beat us in that horrible “battle of the bands” back in April (when I was in my very first tww) is the headlining band, not us.  Ugh!  I wanted to immediately text my bandleader this information, but thought better of it.  I think what we both feared is in fact happening – this other band is eclipsing us.  And you know what?  It’s inevitable, really.  We’ve been on top for ten years, it’s someone else’s turn now.  And shouldn’t I be glad if this guy takes all our traveling gigs?  Isn’t that a good thing, for me?  Yes, it is.  It’s a huge relief, actually, on some levels.  But it doesn’t feel good, I’ll tell you that.

So two weeks shy of my event registration opening, here’s my wish list.  I wish that this year’s event will show a leveling off of attendance so I no longer have to worry that I’m consistently losing people every year (I imagine this will happen, since last year the numbers were pretty darned close to the year before).  I wish I’ll make enough money to survive the first year with my baby.  I wish people would appreciate all the effort and attention to detail I put into my event instead of just automatically discounting it because it’s not one of the newer, cooler events.  I wish people would continue to have a sense of loyalty and nostalgia about my event because this is kind of all I have going for me right now.  I wish I could get through this year’s event and have a big sigh of relief afterwards, feeling good about it, with enough money in the bank. 

I had posted on FB about my registration opening and praise god, a couple of people commented positively about it and forwarded it to other people.  That made me feel a lot better. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the widow of the old time jitterbugger has planned his memorial service for - you guessed it - the same day as my baby shower.  Now, luckily her's is a little later - my shower starts at noon and the service starts at 3.  But they are about 1 1/2 hours drive apart, and this now means that everyone will be at my shower checking their watches and leaving early so they can make it to the memorial on time (and honestly, most of the people at my shower would rather be at the memorial, so I'm not going to win that one), AND since my sister is here and I'm sure she won't want to be dragged to a memorial service in Orange County, I will probably have to drop her at home and leave her alone for the night while I go pay my respects (and I'm sure I'll be totally exhausted and drained by the time I have to go make that drive - ugh).  So, basically this has made my shower now a stressful thing.

   

Freaking out weeks before my registration opens is a yearly occurrence for me, don’t worry.  Last night I was racked with horrible nightmares about – you guessed it, having to move back to the east coast and get some crappy retail job, and hating every minute of it.  It was my New Year’s resolution to stop worrying about money (and my event) this year.  You’d think after fifteen years of living off this thing I would be able to relax a little bit.  Unfortunately the game has changed dramatically lately, and I am really struggling to keep up.  Now I’m going to stop typing because my fingers hurt.

So close, so far

I keep having this thought of “it’s coming up so fast, only two and a half months, or less.  It’ll be here before you know it.”  But then I think that’s actually quite a long time in some respects – a long time if I have to cope with gestational diabetes, or getting increasingly uncomfortable (manatee), or waking up five times a night with heartburn. 

My Mom Guru friend provided a wonderful alternative to the dreaded 3 hour GD test – she said she too failed the 1 hour (a lot of people do, apparently) and instead opted to test herself at home a few times a day with a home meter.  She still has the meter and testing strips that’s she’s going to loan me.  She said she and the midwife felt this was a far more accurate display of how your body is actually reacting to the food you eat every day, rather than what happens after you chug a sickly sweet drink that’s unlike anything you ever eat or drink.  Nobody has called me from Kaiser yet to request I come in for additional testing – maybe they’ll leave it to my next midwife appointment next week – but I am definitely going to try this method.  This was a HUGE relief – I’m kind of looking forward to monitoring myself and seeing what happens.  If I actually have gestational diabetes I definitely want to know it!

I had a real whirlwind of a last few days, during which I was hardly at home at all.  I have to say I’m looking forward to the day when I can use the baby as an excuse to get out of those marathon days when I leave the house early in the morning and don’t get home until late at night – the poor dog wasn’t walked all weekend, and I had to somehow squeeze in another giant grocery trip and cleaning up and cooking into this crazy schedule of activities, leaving my feet and hands swollen and me feeling generally exhausted.  Not exhausted enough to get a decent night’s sleep, though – every night I’ve been doing the popping awake an hour after I fall asleep, then being awake until the sun comes up, then tossing and turning until 11 AM or so and then giving up and getting out of bed because I have to start my day.  Am I grateful I have the option of staying in bed as long as I need to?  Absolutely!  If I had to haul ass out of bed to a job it would NOT be pretty.

The ripple effects of the old jitterbug’s death last week have been very unpleasant.  I feel like I am in a sea of people with no clarity who are all acting out and being irrational because they don’t know how to handle their grief.  This guy was very special to us – probably the most beloved of the LA old time dancers – and a few people who shall remain nameless have been acting very badly.  One has been driving me positively nuts insisting that I personally organize the memorial service for the widow, which would be a massive, emotionally-charged undertaking that I’m not convinced the widow even wants.  Another person has lashed out cruelly at those of us who are trying to raise money for a nice flower arrangement for her, saying, “she doesn’t want that crap.  Flowers die.”  Um…huh?  Let’s just say people are getting really irrational and crazy.  I constantly have to remind people that we didn’t own him, that his family needs to take the reins and we need to keep a respectful distance.  I think everyone’s just thinking of the time their dad/grandpa/mom/grandma died and are acting out now never having resolved those feelings.  I understand the grief, feeling guilty we didn’t go to see him more, etc etc.  But right now I’m tired and cranky and I have cankles and people need to stop bugging me.

Then out of nowhere a close friend’s dad had a massive stroke and died.  I realize I’m getting to that age now where friends’ parents are going to start dying (well, hell, where my own parents are going to start dying), but it’s definitely a shock when it happens.  So there have been a lot of tearful phone calls and grief going around lately.  I was in the car yesterday and this black cloud descended on me…I just started thinking about these people dying, and how tenuous pregnancy is and how I can never relax because anything can still go horribly wrong at any moment, and how in the midst of life we are in death, etc, and the next thing I knew I heard Livia Soprano’s voice in my head saying, “it’s all a big nothing!”  So let’s just say I had a “moment”. Luckily these days my “moments” don’t last long – in the old days that would have set off a spiral of depression for days or weeks, but this time after a tear or two I cheered up and reminded myself this is a happy time and we’re only thinking happy thoughts.  And this is very much true. 

Saturday I went to Ojai to visit another old time dancer who just turned 90 and she delighted me with a surprise baby shower.  It was beyond touching.  She and the other gals that were with us gave me adorable little outfits and cards that I will treasure – I’ve started keeping a keepsake pile of things like that.  One day I can say to my son, “see that lady in that old movie?  She gave you your favorite stuffed animal!”  I feel very privileged in many ways right now. 

I finally found a place to drop my old religious materials.  I went to the “place” and dropped the bag outside the door, after determining that it was open and someone would find it when they locked up.  I ran away really quickly and kept checking my rearview mirror as I drove away to make sure nobody was following me.  Paranoid much?  As my bandleader friend described my leaving the books, “here, you take back your bullshit.” 

Speaking of bullshit, so we had a little scare with my mother last week – I had sent the 4D pictures via e-mail to the family members, and hers immediately bounced back with an automated note saying she was “on vacation” until “at least” end of January, maybe more.  My sister and I of course immediately went to the dark place and thought she had gotten much sicker with her mysterious ailment and maybe had gone into a scary “facility” run by our old church in which people go to grow tumors and die…but then the next day she responded to my e-mail in person, and our uncle said she was just taking a break from her translation work for a couple of weeks to work on her music.  Whew!  I know the day will come when she’ll kick off for real, and it could happen any time, but can it just not happen right now…?  And if it does, will someone tell us?  I don’t know.  It’s all very complicated and shrouded in secrecy and lies, as cults usually are.

So on the physical front, I have started doing the “kick counts”, which is kind of fun, and another way to have the illusion of control.  So my previous trimester fears have now been taken over by third trimester fears – cord wrapped around his neck (at least based on the 4D ultrasound I know this wasn’t the case as of last week), my developing some weird illness that requires an emergency action, my tripping and falling, the baby not getting big enough/getting too big, etc etc.  Last night I posted on my board that I had gotten out of the shower this morning and my entire belly was bright purple and had anyone had this happen before – most people said sure, it was just a reaction of being in a hot shower, but then of course one lady had to mention the story of her sister in law who had this happen and discovered it was because the baby wasn’t getting enough oxygen and they had to do an emergency c-section.  Good times!  No rest for the weary, eh?

FAIL

Things didn't go well today. First the ob shamed me again about weight gain (22 lbs at this point, which I thought was normal), asking, "are you drinking sugary drinks? Are you eating a lot of carbs? Are you exercising?" Then I did the 1 hour glucose test and anemia test - according to the numbers on my e-mailed test results, I failed both, and not by a small margin either. What the hell...? I'm not obese, no history of diabetes in the family, cook all my own healthy whole foods from scratch, drink nothing but water, etc. How could I possibly test positive for gestational diabetes??? I feel like a big fat failure right now. And the best part is now I get to be tortured by the 3 hour test, which means sitting at Kaiser with nothing to do for four hours, starving, while they stick needles in my arm to take my blood over and over again. And if I fail that ordeal, I have to radically change my diet and/or stick my finger multiple times a day to check my blood sugar and shoot myself up with insulin. I'm in hell.

4D ultrasound pics

So I would say today's 4D ultrasound was a success!  He smiled a lot and was in a great position, so we got some terrific shots.  I had two thoughts as his picture veered on to the screen.  The first: "I can't believe that's going on in my belly." And the second: "I would die if anything ever happened to you."  Bring on motherhood!

Going paleo

I figured it’d been a while since I went on a man rant, so I thought it’d be time to dust that puppy of a subject off one more time.  Join me, won’t you?

A fellow blogger’s post really got me thinking.  It was about still having lingering feelings about never having found a partner, and the inadequacy and self-loathing (my term) this brings on.  And as you know I still have those feelings, too, even though every logical cell in my brain says, “but that’s not true, because of X,Y,Z…”  Still, I think we’re so conditioned in this society to want a traditional marriage that it’s hard to overcome a lifetime of that brainwashing.  The societal mantra is “you’re nobody until somebody loves you,” and they’re not talking about family, or friends.  They mean a man (or a woman, as the case may be).

So yes, agreed that I still have those feelings of sadness that I never found someone (despite my entire life everyone promising me that I would), agreed that I am quite bitter because of this, and agreed that I pretty much have zero hope that a satisfying love relationship will ever come my way at this point.  Still, there are certain things I’d like to point out.

Lately I’ve had a theory about us IUI/ICI/IVF Choice Mom types.  Mainly, that we’re acting entirely on our biological imperative as it pertains to both women and men.  The way we go about procreating, the men do what they’re biologically determined to do – deposit their sperm, and then go away.  We do what we’re biologically determined to do – get pregnant, and then nurture the offspring until they’re capable of taking care of themselves.  Anyone who thinks it’s man’s nature to get one woman pregnant and then stay with that woman until they die is kidding themselves.  It also is not (most) women’s nature to never have children.  In today’s world with so many choices, internet porn, and internet dating providing an endless display of available women, most men I know deter child rearing until later and later – most men I know don’t really think about having children until they’re in their mid-late forties, and as we all know, by the time we women are that age it’s just about over for us, and the men our age just want young, fertile women.  My eight years of constant internet dating showed me one thing – that nearly all women want to get married and have children, and very few men do (most men have to be tricked into it like it’s some 1950s romantic comedy we’re all living in).  So, what do you do with this?  You do what increasing numbers of us smart cookies are doing – say the heck with it and get yourself knocked up by some faceless broke college kid with great motility who jerked off for $50 one day. 

Is this “natural”?  Not in the sense that actual sex has not occurred.  But is it exactly in line with our natural, biological instincts?  I believe it is.  Now, so is murder and tribalism and those things aren’t so great either, but at least this little bit of natural instinct + modern technology is keeping the species going, and allowing kids, albeit absent of fathers, to be born into loving, well-prepared homes to mothers who want them very badly. 

Does this mean dads are useless?  Does this mean there are NO good men out there?  Does this mean all men cheat or are basically bad guys who don’t connect with their kids?  Of course not.  Unlike some women I can’t look back on my dating experiences and say they were all sociopaths, or cheaters, or jerks.  Most of them were actually pretty good guys.  It’s just that none of them ever asked me to marry them.  So, there you go.  And the single guys my age all have some kind of problem – substance abuse (whether they recognize it or not), emotional problems, internet porn addiction, etc etc.  This is the pool of mates we’re left with in 2012.  Doesn’t mean they’re not good people or basically nice guys – just not the type of person I want to tether myself to for the next forty years.  I think that’s reasonable.  And the cavewoman in me wants my genes melded with someone who’s young, healthy, tall, thin, comes from a good healthy family, and smart.  Had I had a kid with my last boyfriend, my kid would be short, squat, have bad teeth, and ADHD.  Which would you choose to propagate with?  Be honest, now.

I read some blogs of women in relationships having massive struggles in their relationships – all the back and forth, the break ups, the unwillingness to let go.  And I don’t judge them, believe me, I’ve been there a zillion times.  But the thought that always occurs to me when reading about all the drama is, “Ugh.  What a waste of this woman’s time.”  Kind of how I felt when I uncovered literally BOXES of religious study materials I had hidden away – notebooks, literature, periodicals, letters to and from my mother all about “insights” from the religion.  What a massive, monumental waste of time.  As was dating, for me.  Just an endless roller coaster of rejection and unrequited love.  Who needs it?

So yes, I still live in that strange netherworld of being jealous every time I see a Facebook profile picture changed to a ring on a finger, and at the same time smugly sitting here alone with my pregnant belly feeling like I’ve got it all figured out.  What does this all mean?  Well, I hope for a couple of things.  I hope I can overcome my bitterness about men enough to raise a wonderful man who will be able to have fulfilling healthy relationships.  I hope I can entirely make my peace with being single, enough to actually be happy for people who find love in this crazy world.  And who knows, maybe I’ll even find it for myself.  But I doubt it.

...and another great one goes

I was out dancing tonight and we all got word via our smart phones that our friend passed away just hours ago.  He's the one in the striped shirt in this picture from I believe about 1937.  We all immediately burst into tears and held each other. I know this has nothing to do with pregnancy or single motherhood but I felt the need to acknowledge him.  He was a great dad, husband, dancer, and all around swell guy.  I'm glad we got to know him as long as we did and I hope he got some pleasure out of watching us "kids" carry the swing dance torch around the stadium one more time.  Tomorrow I have to put in a very difficult call to his wife; I'm just going to have to put my big girl pants on and suck it up and not blubber on the phone.  Whew!  It's going to be really hard.  So glad I got to see him one last time and say goodbye.  I've learned goodbyes are really important, actually.

Heartburn

I had one of those nights last night where I was up a lot.  I made the mistake of not drinking much water throughout the day and then trying to make up for it by drinking a lot right before bed, which then meant I had to get up about five times to pee.  Oh, and take Tums, because I’ve been just wracked with heartburn lately (no doubt a result of the big pot of spaghetti and vegan meat balls I made a few days ago).  As symptoms go, the heartburn has not been a major problem for me – but it has been unpleasant, I won’t lie.  Mainly I’m just sick of the fruity, chalky Tums, especially when I have to take them after I’ve brushed my teeth.  I can’t believe some non-pregnant people have to deal with this all of the time!  I feel like an old man with my formerly huge economy sized Tums container by my bedside, now barely half full.  I thought for sure I’d have that bottle for years.  Not so much!

Speaking of old men, went to visit my ailing 94-year-old friend Saturday.  It was not as emotional as I’d expected – for a variety of reasons.  I think I shut myself down a little bit because a) his wife was distraught enough and I wanted to be strong and positive for her, and b) I know when he actually does go (could be any day now, really) that will be the big moment to release the floodgates, not now.  But also I feel fairly rational about it all – I mean, he’s lead a wonderful, long life.  He’s so loved and respected in our community, and is surrounded by family and friends.  It’s sad that he’s had dementia for years and so probably doesn’t know how loved he is, and I certainly don’t like the fact that he appears to be physically suffering a bit.  But really, isn’t this what we all want, to have a family and a community of friends and to live well into our 90s?  I know I do!

So we’re all on pins and needles a bit waiting for “the call”.  You never know how this stuff is going to go – although in his case it would be a miracle if he made it more than a few months, since he’s been released to hospice care and now it’s all about just making him comfortable.  For all the elderly people I know in the dance world it’s completely amazing to me that I’ve only experienced a few deaths – about four in the last ten years or so.  I guess dancing does keep you young, since most of these guys and gals made it to their mid-nineties.  It’s always very emotional and hard, but I accept that it’s part of life. 

With all the work-related blog posts lately, I have been having my usual series of “having to return to some crappy job” nightmares over the last few days.  Some people dream of being back at high school with no clothes on; my nightmare of choice appears to be having to go back to some crummy retail job, and not remembering how to work the computers or cash registers, and all the customers piling up and getting mad at me.  Had a doozy last night.  They always leave me shaken and in a bad mood.  I guess there are so many people around me, in real life and in blog world, who are having a rough time with their work right now, and I SO know that feeling.  I remember my last job I used to have horrible insomnia and panic attacks every Sunday night because I hated it so much and was so dreading the week ahead.  And we’re in a unique position in this economy because people feel trapped in bad situations, and/or feel like they can’t complain because they should “be grateful to have a job at all”.  Which to me smacks a little bit of “being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone.”  I guess what I’m trying to say is I SO empathize with anyone struggling in their job right now!  I’ve been there and could be there again at any time.  It’s that fear that keeps me on my toes whether I’m awake (or asleep, apparently).

For me, my job involves getting set up for opening of registration for my event on Feb 1^st.  So there will be a big flurry of activity the next couple of weeks, which I am dreading because a lot of it is new territory for me – setting up an ad on Facebook and working social media for all it’s worth (I suck at this), making sure my new online registration page actually works, jazzing up my website (I suck at this, too), and in general trying to raise some level of enthusiasm and excitement for my event which I have pretty much ignored since the holidays hit.  I wish I could afford to pay people to do this stuff for me, but I can’t.  I also discovered that although this is my 15^th anniversary of the event, a much bigger event at the same time is having their 30^th anniversary, and there’s tons of buzz about this, so I’m feeling a little threatened.  I keep reminding myself that this event is in Sweden and not everyone has the means to go to that, and it only appeals to a certain audience which is not necessarily my audience.  But I already feel a little eclipsed, and that’s it’s going to be a real uphill battle to daily try to convince people to come to my event and not go to their event.  Sigh.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of all this I have this little thing called “having a baby” coming up in about 2 ½ months.  Help!