Back in the Groove

Two more weeks until winter break! I feel like the time is dragging and flying all at once. We were too exhausted to decorate for Christmas last weekend as I’d planned, so we agreed to wait until tomorrow. It does not feel Christmas-y yet because of this. 

The kids’ new school does not do any kind of holiday program, which is bizarre. I’m so used to kids practicing Christmas carols and having to get together white shirts and red sweaters and things. I have to admit I’m kind of bummed. The only thing I can guess is after covid shutdowns the teachers rebelled and said they’re not doing it anymore. I can’t blame them. I’m sure coordinating all that is a huge pain in the ass. 

Since I *think* the H has finally grasped the concept of not buying the kids mountains of toys they’ll never use, I think we’re on board to have a small Christmas list this year. He wisely traded the kids’ unused Switch for a second used VR, since that’s pretty much the only thing they use now and not fighting over the one we have would be great. I think we’ll just get a few small things and then that’s it. I think this is a good plan. I impulse bought a Lego chess set which I’m kind of regretting now. 

My life has become completely consumed by my podcast work, and I’m not mad at it, except that it’s made me largely forget about any event organizing I should be doing (hiring teachers and musicians, updating the website, advertising - every week these things are in my calendar and every week I push them forward to the next week), and I’ve also pretty much stopped exercising entirely, and it shows. I made a promise to myself to get back to walking at least three times a week starting Monday. The weather is cool, I can always go after picking up kids from school, I have no excuse. BUT I just feel like I’m in this flurry of activity to get as much content going as possible; I’ve announced the podcast’s existence in the two relevant FB groups, so now the pressure is on to consistently produce shows. And I think I can continue to do this through December. However…last night I went back through the threads in which people had expressed interest in being on the show, and realized I’m through about half of them. There is, in fact, a finite number of people who would want to do this; it’s a tiny religion, most people who left don’t feel a need to talk about it because they didn’t have a bad experience, many people aren’t interested in being on podcasts, and those who are just may not be able to find the time. So I have a lot of factors against me. I knew most likely this podcast could only be a “limited series” of twenty or so episodes, but I kind of hoped I could continue for a bit longer. If I run out of people to talk to I can certainly re-edit the current long episodes into more digestible “highlight” versions of a half hour or less; that’ll keep me busy. And I’d still like to explore putting shorts on TikTok in an attempt to get more visibility (my listeners/viewership is still very low). But as of right now, recording, editing, and uploading these long videos takes entire days of my time, often 8-10 hours, which is a lot, and causes me to neglect other things. Still, I think it’s important enough that I feel compelled to push forward. 

Our band didn’t get hired for Knott’s this year, but we still have four other gigs in the next two weeks, most of which involve long, late night drives (Santa Barbara, San Diego, Irvine). We are on for Germany in February which means I’m going to miss Bobby’s send off to Catalina for his 6th grade trip, which sucks. But I think 2024 is the return of international travel for us, and I’m thrilled.

The big move

This week we made the big move to the cabin (just stuff, not ourselves, of course). It was a moment I’ve been dreaming of since I first put in an offer on the property in March of 2021. There were many times I thought we’d never get here, between getting ripped off by the first contractor to not being able to find another one for months or years. But this week I was finally able to get a U-Haul and move all the crap I’d been collecting out of the attic, plus unused furniture from the shed, and fill in the gaps at ikea (mattresses, bedding). It was a delicate balance of timing everything just right - picking up the U-Haul, getting movers to help get stuff down our stairs, picking up items at ikea (picking out the bedding took hours and was so ridiculously complicated I thought we were all going to lose our minds), then the H took the U-Haul to Orange County to pick up some water tanks a client had gifted him, while I drove the kids FOUR miserable hours in holiday traffic out to our place. When the H arrived he accidentally backed the U-Haul into soft sand and got stuck, which prompted a crazed attempt at digging/trenching out in the middle of the night and well into the next day, only to give up and hire a tow which cost $350. Then we had a four hour round trip to drop the U-Haul (ah, remote places). Then we had several pieces of furniture to build in two days before it was time to leave. To say it was exhausting was an understatement. I feel like I’ve never been so physically drained in my entire life. Thankfully the H thrives on hard physical labor - and I often thought how I never in a million years would have attempted this as a single woman. I would do other things in the desert - camp, or stay at airbnbs - but not try to have our own place. It’s just too hard. 

The drag was the boys had nothing to do the whole time. They could only be enlisted to help a certain amount; there’s a point at which they get bored or make the task take longer than it should. So even though we brought bags of board games, other than one game of monopoly, they refused to play any of them, instead begging to play on my phone (something I’ve never allowed - until now), tearing the place apart using the new beds as trampolines, throwing stuffed animals at each other, or whining about how bored they are. That part was a misery for me. Since the H was mostly engaged in building things by himself, I was mostly bored along with the kids or cleaning while dealing with the sensory overload of kids whining or screaming and throwing things and making loud explosive noises, all in 200 square feet. 

Why did the kids not play outside or wander and explore, you ask? Because it’s “boring”. I’ve realized kids today, since they have the option of video games somewhere in their life, will never be satisfied with just wandering and exploring like we were, because we had no choice. And I’m sure we did a fair amount of whining, too. I hate that so far nearly all of our trips have been a huge drag for the kids - we’ve always been working on projects out there, mostly ones the kids can’t help with, so they associate the cabin with being bored and being away from their video games. I hate that video games have ruined kids this way, but I suppose TV did the same in the 50s; I imagine parents raised in the 20s and 30s had the same complaint about their baby boomer children - why can’t they just entertain themselves by playing kick the can or whittling a stick like we did? Because there’s something far more interesting out there, and if you withhold it you make your kids out of step with all their peers, and time marches on whether you want it to or not. And so it goes. 

So we had an exhausting, while productive, week, which we all agreed was a success despite the difficulties. Then we had the special Thanksgiving treat I had planned that I was so proud of - dinner at the top of the Palm Springs aerial tramway - the H had wanted to take that tram for ages, and I thought this combo of the tram plus dinner would be magical. Omg did it suck. First, as we were driving to it as the sun was setting, the H bitched endlessly about how pointless it was going to be to ride up in the dark, to the point where I was on the verge of snapping at him - but it turned out he was right; it was pretty pointless to ride up in the dark, after an extremely long wait sitting on the floor in a cramped waiting room. Then we waited on line for what felt like hours in a cramped cafeteria to get our food, then had a horrible panicked fight for tables since there was only seating for about 10% of the people. It was a nightmare. And not surprisingly the food was mediocre at best. Then another loooong wait for the tram back - waaay too much standing for me, I haven’t even recovered from that music festival last weekend - and a blurry drive home after which we all collapsed into our beds. At least we had a good laugh over how awful it was; better in concept. At one point Bobby asked why we can’t have just “normal” Thanksgivings - I told him because what he considers “normal Thanksgiving” involves all the women working their asses off while the men sit around and enjoy themselves, and I’m not doing that anymore. The truth, of course, is a lot more complicated - the fact is I actually enjoy hosting meals for people (as long as someone else does the meat part) and the complicated game of planning and timing all the dishes just right, but sadly I can’t stand the H’s sister and if I host I’d have to invite her, and I just don’t ever want to have to do that again. So, that’s why the years of traveling Thanksgivings. Last year I tried to do a big meal for Christmas, and honestly, that sucked too - nothing I made was really any good, and I can’t stand that heavy American food anyway. But I have to admit, as far as Thanksgivings go, this was by far the worst - productive and important, but a complete bust as far as the actual holiday. Still, at least we had a good laugh about how bad it was. We manage to maintain our sense of humor in these situations. 

Here’s some shots of our place with the furniture in it - our crap is still all over the place so it looks crowded and messy, but eventually we’ll have curtains and things on the walls and it’ll look nice (I hope).

Last weekend in an unfurnished cabin

Last weekend was the last time we spent in an unfurnished cabin - at last, the moment I’ve waited for for 2 1/2 years, moving furniture into the cabin, is upon us. Next Monday we pick up the U-Haul, meet some movers at our house, move a few items from our shed, head to ikea to pick up a bed and a couch and mattresses and bedding, head to Lake Forest where a friend of the H has donated us a couple of water tanks, and then finally drive out to the cabin. We’ll spend the next three days assembling things and returning the U-Haul, get Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant at the top of the gondolas in Palm Springs, head home, and then I have a gig Friday night and we’ll do Christmas lights and tree shopping over the weekend and then that’s that. We’ll have a real little home out there, ready to host us whenever we want. 

We used the little propane heater last weekend at night when it dropped below 50°, and I have to say the difference of having insulation now is palpable; even on the lowest setting it heated the whole upstairs in minutes and we had to open all the windows. I don’t think staying warm out there in winter is going to be an issue. 

The move is going to be difficult and tiring and I’m definitely dreading it. A lot has to happen in a short amount of time, and there are a lot of unknowns - extracting the furniture from the back of the shed is going to be tough, especially taking apart a large Hoosier which I’m not sure will be possible; the items we want to get at ikea are low in stock and I don’t really know what to do if they sell out before we get there (they can only hold them 24 hours apparently); I don’t know how big these tanks are and they’re way out of our way; and I don’t know how frustrating it’s going to be to try to assemble multiple complicated pieces of furniture with two kids whining about how bored they are the whole time. I’m worried the H and I are going to snap at each other like we did on our anniversary. I just don’t want this to be a bad experience - this should be a happy time, after all. I’ve wanted this moment for so long and we’ve been through so much to get here. But boy is it going to be tiring. I just hope it goes smoothly. And also that projected massive winter storms don’t flood the place and ruin everything. We still don’t have a working shower or semblance of a sink - I’ve been doing sponge baths in a basin with water heated on our little propane cooker, and washing dishes squatting on the floor in a bigger basin. Getting these things in place will make it a lot more comfortable for us, and me, and make it more appealing to invite people. I’m hoping to do some friend visits in the winter when I know I’ll have a lot of free weekends. 

On last weekend’s visit, we did a quick jaunt into Joshua Tree National Park. The boys sure do love rock scrambling. I have a book of JTNP hikes, and I’m excited to branch out a little and do some more difficult stuff there, more off the beaten path. I’ve asked for a compass for Christmas. 

This week is a week of half days due to parent-teacher conferences; I’m picking up the boys at about 12:45 each day. I’ve never dealt with this before since every previous year they were in after school care until normal times. I had Theo’s conference yesterday - as usual, good reports. He’s a good kid, gets along well with others, does well in math. His writing and reading isn’t his strong point - the teacher noticed he really doesn’t like to read, and says he hopes he can kick start a love of reading next semester when they tackle some Percy Jackson books. I hope so, too. Bobby used to be an avid reader but is less of one now - I mean really, books are no competition for the internet. I hardly know any adults - certainly any male adults - that actually like to read or do it regularly. Is there a future for reading fiction written on paper? Sometimes I wonder.

We’ve decided to take Bobby to the Darker Waves concert on Saturday - it’s going to be challenging. A long day at the beach in crowds, and now it appears it’s going to be raining. We’re taking a chance in bringing him - he might hate it and be miserable - but I had a spare ticket and thought this would be a good stretch for him; if nothing else, someday he’ll be able to tell people when he was 11 his parents took him to see Devo and The Psychedelic Furs and OMD and New Order; not many people his age will have had that experience. Theo, who couldn’t care less, will stay home with the babysitter and get the VR all to himself. Win/win?

My podcast is up!

This week has been a whirlwind of activity as my long-thought about podcast finally “launched”. I say launched in quotes because probably only me, my sister, and a couple of close friends have actually listened to it. But STILL.

My podcast is called Leaving Christian Science, and I’m filming them on zoom and then posting to YouTube and then audio versions to Spotify and Apple Podcasts. The YouTube link is here: https://youtube.com/@LeavingChristianSciencePodcast?si=wfugkalCGIDWdDvR

and IG handle is @leavingcspod

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s how it’s been for me: it’s been a steep learning curve, that I’m still climbing, and that was very intimidating at first. I had to find an editing program (thankfully there’s always a basic one on computers now, and I have years of editing experience from making my event DVDs, so the actual process of editing was a snap), find a voice recording program, find royalty-free music (after multiple requests, my bandleader never followed through, so I gave up. I’m really happy with what I found, though), navigate starting a YouTube channel and Spotify and Apple podcast accounts, start an IG account (by far the most intimidating to me, and still is). It’s been a lot, but I believe in the work enough that I just made myself push through. I now have two episodes published and a few short clip videos, which I had a blast putting together. I’ll definitely do more of these, since I realize a ninety minute podcast isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and they’d rather just have the highlights. 

So what is it, exactly, and what do I want from it? I mean naturally I’d like it if I had a decent community of listeners and was able to help people - ex-CS or not - I don’t want it to just sit there ignored. But I don’t expect to make money on it nor make it into a “hit” - I really just want it to be a resource for people. I personally enjoy long form conversational podcasts - I listen to one by ex-Scientologist Jon Atack every week in which he just has conversations with smart friends, and I always learn something new. I haven’t posted it in the ex-CS Facebook group yet - I want to make sure I have enough content so people don’t click on it and then forget about it because there’s not enough there to hold people’s interest. So I figure I’ll wait until I have one more podcast up and then put it more out there. 

The funny thing has been working this kind of project around family life, especially when family life involves other people using up the wifi bandwidth and making lots of noise, both things that are terrible for two hour zoom recordings. For my second interview, I set myself up in the attic and told the boys to stay off the VR (much to their despair). I’m going to have to interview people when they’re available, and it’s rarely going to be in that tiny window between the H leaving for work (11 AM) and me having to pick up the boys from school (now 2 PM). So the attic, originally intended as a playspace, may soon be my podcasting studio.

I feel good and revitalized and slightly frantic. We’re leaving for the desert today and I’m a little miffed I can’t spend my day contacting potential interviewees or working on more clips or developing the IG page that literally nobody looks at. But I feel inspired, which is a great feeling. I once heard a quote that “you’re not depressed, you’re just uninspired”, and for me often this is the case. Unless you’re doing something that inspires you, sometimes it can mimic depression, that blah feeling of just not being interested in anything. 

One super cool thing that happened was, when I set up the IG page, I figured I would start by following my favorite cult podcasts. Out of nowhere, my favorite anti-cult activist, Janja Lalich, started following me (I hadn’t followed her so she must have just seen me float by). I had to message her to say thanks for the follow, and she said you’re welcome, and then I told her I was watching her in the Twin Flames documentary and that I enjoy her work, and she said thanks. Omg! Janja Lalich and I had a conversation! Ahhhhh! 

So I’ve got my work cut out for me - the next couple of weeks will be difficult with the boys home by 1 each day due to parent-teacher conferences, and the week after being Thanksgiving break. I hope I can get two interviews in this week so I can at least have *some* content available to publish while I can’t create anymore. The holidays in general will be challenging time-wise, as I imagine a lot of people won’t be available for interviews, either. So the pace may slow down for a few weeks. But in the meantime, I’ve created this thing, and it’s out there, and I'm very proud of it.

Hallowe’en

It was a fully inflatable Halloween as both boys chose blow up costumes - Theo as a space rocket kid and Bobby as a gorilla. Clearly, I went as a chicken (non-inflatable).

Neither inflatable costume popped or slowly deflated like Theo’s dinosaur one last year, but Bobby, at least, decided he didn’t want an inflatable costume next year. He couldn’t see all night and moving around was difficult. I always imagined we’d be the kind of family to make our own clever costumes every year, but that’s yet another thing I’ve let go. For some reason Halloween always sneaks up on me, plus the fact that the kids actively don’t WANT clever homemade costumes. If they ever came to me with an idea and wanted me to implement it for them, I’d be all in. But they just aren’t those kinds of kids. I told Bobby yesterday how when I was (about) his age I went as a “bag lady”. Yes, that was the 80s, in which it was socially acceptable to wear a costume depicting homelessness for humor. I told him one of the most common kids’ costumes when I was a kid was to dress up as a “hobo”. My how times have changed.

I’m glad the kids are still invested in Halloween - for me, the fun ended around 11 or 12. But as I’ve said many times, I feel like kids these days are less in a hurry to grow up. Also, many child-like things - playing games, dressing up, having stuffies and toys - are no longer solely for small children. There were plenty of teenagers out last night, and not just to cause havoc like when I was young. They may have been high AF, but at least they were dressed up and having a good time. 

Today I dismantle the Halloween decorations, put away the costumes, make a promise to myself that for the first time ever I won’t spend the entire month of November slowly pilfering the boys’ candy, and settle in to the new month. I finally got flights to FL for Christmas by the hybrid method - flying there on Jet Blue and flying back on Alaska. It was the only way to not be stuck with a 6 AM flight returning. That’s a huge load off my mind. All of the holidays are now accounted for. Phew. 

Tributes

This weekend we went back to our wedding and camping space to pay tribute to the man who bought the land some 40 years ago and set it up as a place for lost souls to wander and live and find themselves. He died earlier this year - we only met him once, briefly, the weekend before the wedding. When we explained who we were and said we were getting married there the next weekend, he said, “don’t do it!” Ha ha. Anyway, I got notified on FB that they were doing a celebration of life this last Saturday, so we went. 

It was about what I expected - a rag-tag band of random people, some hippies, some raver types, some older conservative folks that must have been family, and people hard to figure out like us. There were only a couple of other kids there. But we listened to the tributes and wandered around the space and shared some food. We would have stayed longer but it was wicked cold - intense, biting winds blowing, and even the scarves and gloves and winter coats weren’t enough. I didn’t know the man beyond that one meeting, but I found myself getting quite emotional more than once. Maybe it was that church-like feeling of people coming together to celebrate something; maybe it was the beautiful full moon rising over the hill that took my breath away, maybe it was the sound of the wind skidding over the boulders. I don’t know - but that place is really special. How many places exist like that in the world - beautiful places just set up by some guy, not connected to any business or government agency? I’m not sure what’ll happen to it now that he’s gone, and it didn’t feel polite to ask, but I’m hoping since it’s a 501c3 and set up for paid campsites and things like that that it’ll continue as before. That’s one non-profit I would get involved in, if they were ever looking for people to help.

Friday I helped out at the boys’ Harvest Festival, and it was just as nuts as I’d anticipated - I just got thrown into the fire making sno cones for long lines of people with little or no guidance. For an hour I ground ice, packed serving cones, refilled syrup bottles, and took orders when that person wandered off. A couple of the moms chatted with me when we could - I could tell they were craving connection, too - but the work was so fast paced and relentless that there wasn’t much room for socializing. Picture The Bear - sno cone edition.

The boys had fun in their costumes and running around with their friends, but it’s weird to think this is Bobby’s first and last experience at this school. Maybe I’m projecting my own weirdness on to him but I feel like he’s not really committed to this place, either, knowing it’s just a way station. Of course, it’s hard to tell with an eleven-year-old boy. If I were to ask him about this I’m sure he’d just shrug. We always tell him he can come to us with anything and talk to us about anything - but I also know that he won’t, and perhaps, shouldn’t. I would have been mortified to talk to my mother about any of the things swirling around for me at that age; of course, my mother wasn’t very approachable for a variety of reasons, but honestly I probably think I am but actually am not, just as she probably thought she was but actually wasn’t. I also think kids, especially at that age, probably want to figure things out for themselves and have some privacy and separation from their mothers. I respect that. 

Much talk about junior high school selection, and I think some of the other parents are finding out the hard way that, if you chose to keep your kid in elementary school for 6th grade, the chances of being admitted to any of the top schools for 7th are pretty much nil. I don’t know why they didn’t know this - I certainly did - but I’m seeing it slowly dawn on some of them. It’s also validating to hear that other parents are concerned about long commutes in rush hour traffic. Quality of life is important, and three to four hours of driving back and forth a day just isn’t worth it in my book. All of this to say, I’m feeling more confident in my choice to just choose the local jr/sr high (Plan A). We don’t find out until March if he actually made it in or not, but even if he didn’t make it in to the actual gifted program, I think I’d still get a permit for the regular school. 

Tomorrow is Halloween which means the end of the first part of the holiday trifecta. This is actually the simplest one, tbh. Thanksgiving involves the big move of furniture out to the cabin, which will be very complicated and expensive. I did manage to get us tickets to Thanksgiving dinner up at the top of the mountain in Palm Springs - the H is always wanting us to ride the gondolas up there, so hopefully this will be a welcome surprise. Then Christmas has been a bit fraught and I’m stressed out that I still don’t have travel plans locked down - we’re supposed to go to Florida, but tickets are sky high, so my sister and I are vigilantly watching prices. Hopefully we can lock something down soon. 

Pumpkin patchin’

I had worried that the kids were getting too old for the annual pumpkin patch visit, but we went yesterday with the donor siblings as has become our tradition, and had a thoroughly great time. 

It started a bit messy as Bobby woke up with a fever and was lethargic and didn’t want to eat anything, and the H also said he felt achy and foggy-brained. Tested for covid - negative. Also one of the moms couldn’t make it due to work, so it was just two moms and three kids, which, unsurprisingly, was a lot more manageable. It’s odd to occasionally have a peek at what life would have been with only one child and no husband. Very, very different, as it turns out. 

I kept Bobby home from school today as a precaution. It was also the first day of my three-day stint volunteering for the safety valet drop off; apparently at this school every classroom asks every parent to volunteer at least three days. I was (and am) happy to help out (anything but being booster club treasurer - lol), but of course as an introvert it was a little excruciating. It was typical of my school volunteering experiences: I show up far too early and am the only one there for a good 15 minutes; because I’m the only adult, people start asking questions and beginning the responsibilities even though I have no idea what’s going on and I just have to jump in and act like I know what I’m doing; nobody really explains anything so I just go with it, then in a rush it’s all over. At least having used the safety valet every day myself, I already knew the concept of waving the cars down to the end of the line, opening the doors, saying good morning, etc. The family dynamics were interesting. The parents who don’t look at me or say anything to me are the ones with kids who don’t look at me or say anything to me; the ones who are friendly and personable and make eye contact have kids who do the same. One particularly delightful little boy who gave me a huge smile and “good morning!” had a mother who also was very friendly. Funny how that works. 

Two more days of volunteering, and for sure we’re leaving later after today. Then on Friday I’m working Theo’s class’s snow cone booth at the harvest festival for an hour; over the weekend we’re headed to the desert to have a cabin visit and attend the memorial of the man who ran the location where we got married, which should involve some pot luck items on my part; on Halloween we’ve been invited to a party which also involves pot luck items on my part. So there’s a lot of non-work related labor coming up soon. I bought the most ridiculous chicken costume I could find for Halloween - I find it’s just better when I’m wearing something silly. With the kids older and less maintenance on Halloween I feel like I have more freedom to participate.