Camping

We had our first family camping trip over Memorial Day weekend. After several Memorial Days in a row with zero plans or hastily thrown together last minute plans, I had booked this camping spot at Lake Piru last year for us and another family, and I’m so glad I did. 

We had to buy pretty much all of the gear other than a camping stove from scratch and there was a steep learning curve as far as set up/tear down and the basic management of daily activities, but now that we’ve done it once I feel like it’s going to be smooth sailing. The BF said I was the best person he’d ever camped with, for how prepared and organized I was. That was a huge compliment. 

The only downside was the one full day we were there, Sunday, it poured rain and was bitter cold. It made for miserable muddy conditions and a lot of unpleasantness - many of the other campers packed up and left. But I took the opportunity to knit a dish scrubbie, read, drink liberal cups of cocoa filled with marshmallows, and nap. The BF took the boys fishing, and the next day as we left we went on a wonderful boat ride in which we took a baby duck on board who was all alone and kept following us; it was the cutest thing that ever happened to me.

The next day I ran out and bought all of the efficient devices that would have made my life easier - a camping spice container set, a bin to keep bread from being crushed, a collapsible grey water bin, a collapsible dish rack for clean dishes, a multi-compartment foldable sink. I also got the boys their own tent. Having two rambunctious boys treat your tent as a giant bouncy house/wrestling stadium - tracking in mud and crushing your reading glasses with their unbridled enthusiasm - was no bueno. 

We camp again Father’s Day weekend and I’m looking for a spot in August. There is so much to explore in California - especially now that the drought is over and the lakes are no longer depressing dust bowls. My goal going forward is to try to camp five-six times a year over the warm months. I want to make this a regular thing. There’s just something so zen about having your entire existence reduced to a toothbrush and a saucepan. 

My kids’ childhoods are 1000% better than mine, part MCMXVII

I just played the boys “Paint it Black” and Bobby said, “why does he want everything black? I don’t get it,” and I said it was because he was sad. “Haven’t you ever felt that way?” I asked. He said no. It was all I could do not to say, “Jesus, kid, when I was your age I was contemplating suicide on like a daily basis!”

Example number 5,387 why my kids’ childhoods are better than mine was. 

Also, just went in to tuck the boys in and Bobby rambled off, bored, “love you, too” before I’d even said it. My kid is so used to hearing me tell him I love him that he’s bored by it. Let that sink in for a minute. Reason number 5,....

In other news, Mother’s Day was a roaring success. I managed to lob away unwanted depressing thoughts about my mother and my own love-starved inner child like so many machine-thrown tennis balls. We had a delightful hike up Eaton Canyon to a beautiful waterfall. We all got wet in the stream, ruined our shoes, and had a blast. I got to listen to nothing but Beck in the car and got cute cards from the BF & boys. 

After this...I’ve been very, very busy, and as a result have felt pretty frazzled and discombobulated. There is so much work to do for my business that I don’t even know where to start...but I did meet with my new business partner and we went over things with a fine tooth comb so I feel a lot more secure about the success of switching over my registration system (which, much to my chagrin, has still not happened). Went to Portland last weekend to sing; will go on a first camping trip this weekend. Then I have back-to-back trips to Germany and NY as the boys finish up school. I finally got them registered for that summer sports camp today after months of stalking them. So they are set until our return from Hawaii in mid-July. If they like it they’ll continue on until school starts in August. 

It feels good to be rounding out the school year. Bobby did well in first grade - only had (I think?) one note home from the teacher, got 100% on nearly all of his spelling tests, seems to be doing well socially. Theo thrived at his little neighborhood school - what a godsend that place ended up being - and will be that much more ready for kindergarten because of it. I cannot wait until that first day of school when I walk them both down the ramp to their teachers. I feel like I am on the precipice of that sweet spot of childhood - no more toddler craziness and before the sturm und drang of adolescence. It feels good.

It’s about me

Korea, as the last two trips, was a dream. Great food, sight seeing, appreciative audiences, autographs, pictures with fans. It’s a good thing I’m a very grounded, practical person, or I could get used to that. I came home to a fair amount of jet lag and massive spaciness. A lot of day sleeping and continual forwarding of my to do list. Spoiler alert - nothing got done last week. But the kids made it to school every day, got hot dinners, and Bobby didn’t poop his pants. I’ll chalk that up to a win.

A lot of what kept me stymied last week was the sickening dread of Mother’s Day. I found myself getting pretty emotional and panicky about it. It started when, after planning a get together for the last year with two friends with problematic mothers, one of them bailed, and the other never said anything so I assume decided to bail, also. I was inordinately upset about it and it dragged me down all week. Also, it was chilly and gloomy here, I was jet lagged, and PMSing. In other words - the perfect cocktail to set me off on a tailspin. 

In a text conversation the BF reminded me to try to take the focus off of my own mother and put it on myself as the mother of these kids. I have tried to do this in the past but failed. But this time? This time I’m pissed. I’m sick of being a wreck on Mother’s Day. That woman robbed me of so many things - she doesn’t get to rob me of this, too. So I decided to do a little old school brain rewiring, which worked so well for me years ago to overcome intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, depression, panic disorder, etc. So for the last few days whenever I’ve been tempted to ruminate I fiercely redirect my thoughts with a simple, “no, this day is about me, not her,” and it’s been working. I find myself actually looking forward to it. It is my day, dammit. I earned this shit - from every labor contraction to every butt wiped, every hug given to every sassy comment endured. I get to have a day. And it’s delightful to be able to spend it with people who love and appreciate me. 

Now, who knows how tomorrow will actually go. But I think, much like the last time I took a stand against my self-abusive thoughts, that I’m just sick of them and ready to let them go. Sometimes you just have to be ready to move on. I think I am. I don’t want to be upset anymore. I’m tired of it. 

In other news, I’m looking forward to finally having my registration system switched over next weekend (hallelujah) so I can at last get into the work of running my business, I go to Portland next weekend, the kids have four weeks left of school, and I get to plant my edible garden on Thursday. 

And hey, you. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, DAMMIT!

Home again, off again

This last weekend I had my annual trip to DC to sing with my orchestra. I got home late last night; tomorrow night I leave for Korea for a week. 

Of course this would have to happen right in the middle of field trips, teacher appreciation week, and homework packages due. I’m concerned the boyfriend will not be able to keep all of this straight no matter how explicitly I spell it all out. But this is one of those times I’m just going to have to breathe and let shit go. I’m getting free childcare for a week. Let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth, shall we? 

Countdown to end of school has begun. I’m already looking at Theo’s charming little neighborhood school with some nostalgia. He’ll have only spent one year of his life there. Will he even remember it? Will he remember his teacher, their spring chicken hatching project, his friends? Probably not. One day soon we won’t be driving that way - over the train tracks, over the 110 freeway - anymore, instead only up the steep hill to Bobby’s school, which we’ll probably be driving to for seven more years. Leaving that school for the last time will be very emotional. 

And yet I still feel like I’m doing the bare minimum when it comes to these kids and their school days. I always pictured myself being super involved - making cookies, joining the PTA, volunteering in the classroom. And yet I find I barely keep up with the homework, permission slips, and school projects. I feel like I’m continually asking myself - where did all my free time go? Is it true that when you need something done, ask a busy person? Is all this free time I now have inversely proportionate to how efficient I am? 

I need a new purse, new underwear and socks, new bras. I need to figure out how to style my hair, I need to look into getting lash extensions so I can better get away with wearing no makeup. Mother’s Day is coming up, as is camping trips, Portland, New York, Germany, and Boston. My event is coming up and I am impossibly behind. Sigh. Well, at least I can go to Korea and focus on singing and not have to do anything else for several days! 

Easter

Easter is now a bit like Halloween, where by the time the actual day arrives, we’ve celebrated so many times that I’m pretty much over it. We went to an egg hunt at Bobby’s afterschool that was actually three consecutive egg hunts; then one at the neighborhood meditation center (that’s pretty much the most LA thing ever), and then our traditional yard egg hunt on Easter. 

I picked up some stuff at the dollar store on Friday for Easter baskets. Being in the midst of my diet, I wisely only bought candy I can’t stand (although I freely admit in the last week I ate three Cadbury creme eggs and two crispy chocolate bunnies, slowing my weight loss to a dead halt). I never did dye eggs, or do any other crafts or special cooking or baking.

The question I ask myself all the time these days is, why do I never seem to have the kind of time I had when the kids were younger? I used to put so much thought and effort - entire Pinterest boards, for chrissakes - into every birthday and holiday; lately I feel like I’m just doing the bare minimum for everything. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I over it, already? Or am I just a lazy fuck who wants to watch trashy Australian reality shows on my phone all day? Maybe a little of all three? 

Either way, we had a nice day and Bobby said this was “the best Easter ever” which is high praise. 

Theo has been acting out a lot lately. Part of me is convinced it’s because he can feel his brother slipping away from him - as a younger sibling, I know that feeling well. Last night when I had Theo to myself for a minute I told him his brother would always be his best friend and that he was the most important person in Bobby’s life and always would be. I think he heard it...? I told Bobby today that Theo is sad because now he can do all sorts of things Theo can’t and that Theo misses him - in response, (I think), Bobby wrote this: 

Sometimes you feel like your little kids are non-empathetic, self-centered little sociopaths, and then they do something like this. Maybe I’m getting a few things right, after all, lack of dyeing eggs not withstanding! 

Zoo camp

We’re getting to the end of the boys’ spring break week at Zoo Camp. They’ve enjoyed it, and I’m thinking of making it an annual thing. But I have to say - picking them up at three has been a real drag. It’s just that much more time at home with two kids bored and full of energy, and it’s been extremely challenging. Why not take them to a park, you ask? Well, because when I suggest it they both protest so loudly I figure it’s better to just tough it out at home. Well, to be fair, Theo is game, but Bobby isn’t. And we’ve had too many instances of Bobby bored and exhausted and whiny at parks for me to want any more of them.

Due to Southern California’s super bloom, Bobby’s allergies have gotten really out of control. I kept him home from school one day because his eye was so red and swollen I thought it was pink eye (thereby ending his perfect attendance streak) - but it turned out to be just extreme allergies. I started him on Claritin, which did nothing - then Zyrtec, which also did nothing for about a week but seems to be working now (that or the allergies have finally passed). Sunday night he coughed so hard he threw up all over his bed. Just when I thought I’d gotten off the hook with a puke-free winter....oy. 

He also has started pooping his pants every couple of days after months of no accidents. Back to the drawing board. He does it at home, usually during dinner. He says the bathroom is “too far away” and he doesn’t feel like getting up. What the fuck. 

In other news, I’ve gotten both boys started on some simple chores around the house. Bobby does a load of towels in the laundry and sweeps under the kitchen table; Theo waters the plant and sweeps the porch. I’ve opened savings accounts for them and put their birthday money in there. I’m going to start them on an allowance. It’s a lot of work, managing these chores, teaching them how to do things, making sure they follow through. But I’m determined to make these kids more independent and teach them how to do things rather than just doing everything myself. 

My edible garden is underway - I’ve paid the deposit, and hopefully soon I’ll have three spots in my yard with different fruits and vegetables, and a nice cutting garden. It’s not going to be cheap, but with everything properly irrigated, it may finally be my path to gardening success after lots of failures. 

This weekend we’re having our annual Easter egg hunt. I’d like to finally dye some eggs this year - it’s just so hard getting two boys to settle down for projects like that. This has been my struggle lately; the boys’ crazy, out of control energy. I find them utterly exhausting. Bobby on his own is fine - he’s naturally a quiet, thoughtful boy. But pair him with his much more energetic younger brother and fireworks. Theo’s teacher said to me that this sibling combination - two boys, close in age - is the most difficult of them all. It was such a relief to hear that, since most of the time I find it so frustrating and draining being around them. I just want peace and quiet, and they are so loud and full of this manic, sharp energy that gets on my last nerve. I can’t wait for the summer when the pool can absorb a lot of that - tomorrow I’m going to set up the hot tub for when we get home from camp so we can just hang out there all night and they can splash around to their hearts’ content. Then Easter stuff all weekend...but then I start traveling at the end of next week. Can’t wait!

Spring has sprung

Spring is here bringing with it the seduction of LA’s ubiquitous flowering citrus trees, Jasmine, and desert sage. It’s intoxicating. Nights are warm enough to sleep with the window cracked open and I’ve switched to a light jersey nightgown. 

Today was a day off school and as usual I had made no plans. We went to a nice park in an elegant neighborhood with a long path I thought the boys could ride their new scooters on - but Bobby didn’t want to, and then Theo tired of it because he was bored without Bobby. They were only entertained by the playground for a few minutes; Bobby kept complaining of being too tired so I suggested we find a shady spot where he could lie down; but of course Theo had to jump on him every two seconds because he was bored. I finally managed to engage them in a desultory game of catch with a found soft ball, but eventually we just packed up and left. We went to the local library to get books, something I’m ashamed to say I have never done with these kids, not once. Before you freak out, here’s why: Bobby only started taking a real interest in reading in the last few months - before then our home library was always sufficient, but now he needs new books to read every week. Before then the idea of making time for library trips, keeping track of the books and making sure they didn’t get mixed in with our books and making sure they got returned, just seemed like a giant pain in the ass. Not to mention keeping them safe from a rampaging non-reading little brother. So, yeah. Not on the top of my list of activities for us. 

So we got books, they read for a little bit (Theo just looking at pictures), we got in the hot tub, we had dinner (which they barely touched), I put them to bed. They were a bit of a hot mess today. We’re in this odd phase where Bobby is doing a bunch of new things Theo can’t do - reading, playing video games - and so Theo has lost his playmate and takes it out on me. It was the BF’s idea to bring video games into this house; he doesn’t realize that it does the opposite of occupy the kids for me so I can cook/work/etc - it occupies Bobby and then makes Theo tear the house apart with boredom and then come climb all over me and drive me nuts. 

I know there will be many phases in our life where Bobby will outpace Theo in something and Theo will take it out on me. This is just the beginning. 

BUT, it is now April. Our school year is wrapping up. Two more weeks until spring break (I’ve enrolled them both at the LA Zoo camp), then just six or seven more weeks before school is over, and more importantly, the phase of the boys being at separate schools is over. 

For me, travel season begins at the end of this month. I go to DC, then the following weekend Seoul, then two weeks later Portland, then two weeks later Heidelberg, Germany, then that weekend NY, then at the end of that month Boston. In July we go to Hawaii for my birthday week to stay in a yurt (or as Bobby would call it, a “shart”), August is Chicago and my event. We go to Denver, France, possibly Budapest again, and Austin in the fall. I’ve missed traveling. And I’m on my annual “I need to lose eight pounds so I can fit into my vintage clothes” diet for these gigs. I’m starving and I hate it. But I’ve already lost two lbs and I’m hoping to be down at least eight by Germany. Let the calorie restriction commence!