Week in review

I spent much of the week driving around listening to loud, inane rock 'n roll I have zero emotional connection to, which confirms the fact that upon facing romantic rejection, I turn into a dude.

I'm actually glad Former Love Interest asked me to lunch last Monday to hash things out, because if not our group meeting Thursday would, in fact, have been super awkward. Instead it was fine, and now that we've crossed that threshold things can go back to normal and we can both forget any of this ever fucking happened.

Bobby's preschool teacher told me Friday on pickup that they want him only in underpants starting this week. FML. I could just say no, I suppose, but he's going to miss next month's opportunity to move up to the next class with his friends because of still being in diapers, and they don't want him to miss the next one in September. And in the end it's just my being lazy that is keeping him from learning. So...it's going to be a very messy week. I am kind of bummed. Life is about to get a lot more complicated. 

I had my second date with Craig's List Guy. I have to say...I feel kind of meh about it. We had a nice time but it was just like two buddies having dinner. No flirting, no sparks. I mean, I like this guy but he's giving me nothing to work with. At the end of the date he gave me a chaste closed-mouth kiss on the lips like an uncle. He has texted me ever since to see how I'm doing and tell me he had a nice time but no third date set yet. Would I go? Sure, why not? Not sure if I have unrealistic expectations or just am not feeling it. Is this how single parents date in their forties? At this point I no longer trust in my instincts about anything in this arena. So I'll just sit tight and see what happens.

The day that shall not be named

So...in other news, Mother's Day sucked for me. Largely because I got the news that my estranged mother wants back into our lives after nine years, and the very thought of this makes me want to stand in the middle of my kitchen and robotically smash every dish in the house onto the floor.

Apparently she called my sister last week and told her she has, after forty three years, left our toxic religion, wants to see a doctor finally, move back to the U.S. and (possibly) get therapy. This is news we have waited all these years for, and may be the start of a whole new beginning for our family. And yet the very idea of her in my life again fills me with rage. Cue smashing of plates.

So, having two kids who are too little to know it's Mother's Day, no partner to celebrate me, everything I want to do and all childcare options closed, all my friends busy with their mothers or being celebrated by partners, no plans at all, this mysterious lunch with Former Love Interest hanging over my head the next day, and now the return of my mother looming...*smash*

I texted a friend that I wanted to break everything in the house and she quipped, "may I suggest a tarp, from experience?"

My mother emailed me asking if we could Skype. I told her I couldn't deal and thankfully she seemed to get it.

If she's sincere in her plans and follows through I'm sure we can work out our issues at some point. But right now - I'm on emotional overload and my brain is crowded. I...just can't deal. *crash*

So, Mother's Day is the worst day of the year for me. I avoided Facebook like the plague. I wanted to write a status quoting Bette Davis: "I detest cheap sentiment" but decided to not wear my private bitterness quite so publicly. Some day it will be different - the kids and I will be able to celebrate together, my mother and I may have reconciled to some extent, and hell, maybe I'll even have a nice man around to spoil me. But right now? Right now, it sucks. 

In reflecting on lunch with FLI yesterday, I am still aghast at how utterly wrong I could have been about just about everything, including how likable this person actually was. I'm really questioning my intuition, taste in men, sense of self, and judgment in general. Chalk this up to yet another really horrid, bitter experience in the love arena. Kind of thought I would be past that at my age, but I guess you never outgrow this shit, do you? 

Well, at least Craig's List Guy checks in via text every day to ask how my day is going and we have a dinner date Friday night, which can't come fast enough. I need a little pick me up right now, you know?

It's not him, it's me

Just had my lunch with Former Love Interest. I am kind of speechless. Once again I'm going to vomit this up quickly before I forget any important details.

We met and talked about Mother's Day and other things that have been going on, in particular some very disturbing events over the weekend regarding my own estranged mother that I'll post about later.

Finally I said, "so...are we going to talk about it?"

He said, "yeah, I just really wanted to apologize." As I could tell from the look on his face that night, he was, in fact, shocked by my revelation and was pained thinking about all the times he'd been on the other side of that coin. So...he felt pity for me. Ughhh.

He asked if I had anything to say to him, and I said, "well, I guess at the risk of sounding weird...why?"

Then he really surprised me, and not in a good way. He said he didn't think we had that much in common (!?), said if it were going to happen between us it would have happened years ago, that he doesn't feel any chemistry between us, and thought we could have a fun fling but it could never be more than that (!?) and he just can't do that to me. Ummm...thanks?

Then he brought up the group we're in and how we'd be stuck having to deal with each other, how the times he'd had really amazing relationships he felt this immediate thunderbolt-like attraction and just does not feel that for me. No chemistry. Nothing in common. What? 

He also said he's on various dating sites and meets women all the time. So my perception that he's this lonely guy who's all boxed up and just needed a push from a nice girl couldn't have been more wrong. He wants somebody. Just not me. He's just not into me at all.

He asked if I thought we really had anything in common and I nearly spit out my drink as I spluttered, "yes, of course! I have more in common with you than just about anyone I know!!!" How could two people have such complete polar opposite views of themselves???

I thought I would go into this lunch feeling sassy and empowered and in control, but oh my God it did not feel that way at all. It was exactly as I'd feared - a pity lunch in which he only wanted to apologize and then tell me just how much he doesn't want me but wants someone else. What.The.Fuck.

I did manage to squeeze in that I was already dating someone else, but saying that did not feel as good as I'd thought. He was interested in it in the way a brother would be. It sucked.

I thought I felt bad before but now I feel a lot worse. At least before I could fool myself into thinking he really likes me but just doesn't want to disappoint me or something lame like that. Nope. He was never interested, not in the slightest. 

I really wish I'd never started any of this. It's all been very upsetting and a huge blow to my ego, which I didn't need. If I could go back and undo it all and regain a little of my dignity, I would. It's all been a monumental waste of time and energy - and now it's out there, forever, that I put all this energy into this guy who would only ever feel pity for me. Good Lord.

And now I get to see him Thursday night. This was all a huge mistake. 

Never a dull moment, part XVIII

What the-?

Well, looky who texted today asking me to lunch next week. None other than The Love Interest. Mother.Effer.

I wrote back that I wasn't sure if I had a weekday sitter anymore but would check. Then I wrote:

Don't feel bad or like you owe me an explanation or anything - we're still friends, it's all good 😀

And then:

...and I'm still eating that frigging cake!!!

Then he wrote:

That pie was huge.  Glad it's in your icebox and not mine!  Also glad we're still friends. So let's get lunch if you can.  Just let me know 

So we're having lunch on Monday. Is he going to say hey, let's go for it? I highly doubt it. I think he just feels bad about how things went and doesn't want to feel awkward on Thursday when we have our monthly meeting. If the situation were reversed I would do the same - actually, I wouldn't ask him to lunch for fear of getting his hopes up; I would call to apologize and smooth things over and make sure we were ok. I mean, I really don't need to hear a second time how much he just wants to be my friend only, you know? I kind of got the message. One friend I told about this development called him a "manipulative little shit". I think that's a little harsh; I think what's really happening is he doesn't want to look like a big jerk. So I will go into this lunch just expecting it to be the apologist bullshit I'm sure it is. I may even take pleasure in telling him I've already started dating someone else...which is true.

Believe it or not, the date I had Wednesday night went really well. I really liked this guy, and was attracted to him despite his short stature. He liked me too and hit me up the very next day for another date...which may end up being the same night as my lunch with The Love Interest...because I am a dirty, dirty whore.

This guy - we'll call him Craig's List Guy (yes, I found one seemingly normal guy in a sea of dick pics and ads for men wanting you to come over and watch them jerk off) - is just my type in many ways; single dad, New Yorker, graphic designer, and very, very nice. We had a blast chatting and he was very interested in the whole Smc thing and my business, etc. I think he just has a tough go of it because of being so tiny. It's not my favorite thing but I like his face and he just seems nice.

And more importantly...interested. How refreshing is that?

So I've been re-reading Fear of Flying for like the bajillionth time, and every time I read it I get something new from it. Last time I read it was before I had kids; all of her musings about possibly having a baby feel so different now that I've done it, and twice. In the book she is torn between two lovers. As am I, apparently. Or rather:

Torn between the long time friend I hit on and was shot down by but now wants to take me to a pity lunch just so I don't think he's a jerk, and some random guy I met on Craig's List who turned out to be kind of cool and actually wants to date me unlike that other guy who's more concerned about my not thinking he's a jerk than my actual feelings

What, is that too long a title for the average book cover?

Still...

I haven't wanted to write all week because my mind is a bit of a broken record and I don't want to send you all into "compassion fatigue". Yeah, he turned me down, rejection sucks no matter how you slice it. Now what?

Well, I have a date with someone else tonight, so there's that.

He is a very nice single dad I met on a website I won't even mention here because I don't want you all to think I'm nuts. We've talked on the phone a bit and are meeting tonight casually. The only problem is he's very short - like, as short as me, and I'm already short. I want to say I can just get past that, but...I don't know. I don't think I can. But as you can imagine I need a boost right now and this has given me something else to think about. In the end it will probably go like 99% of my previous internet dates in that we'll have a nice time and I'll never hear from him again. And so it goes.

Mostly right now I'm just annoyed. After four years of the hormonal rollercoaster of conceiving, carrying, birthing, and nursing babies, I unfortunately find myself right back where I began - lonely, bored, and longing for a man in my life. Why??? Nothing good can come of it. I was much better off single, celibate and proud. But now the babies are growing up and it's not enough anymore. There are no more babies to plan for. So really...now what?

I honestly thought the kids would be enough. Sadly, they are not. It's time I admitted this.

So, now that I've exhausted all one options in my circle of single male friends, what do you do? You put yourself online, of course. Every night this week I have sat down to sign up and make a profile. And every night I have shut off my computer without doing it.

I did internet dating for nearly ten years during my thirties. I never once got anything resembling a relationship from it. Not once. All I got was this:

You write to, wink at, or "send a flirt" to hundreds, thousands of men. None of them ever respond. EVER. 

The ones who write to you are either: cut and pasters who send an identical email to every woman who signs up regardless of her preferences, perverts who send dick pics or want naked pictures of you, or misogynists who just write to tell you how ugly you are. Just as in real life, the men who want you are men you would never consider dating in a million years, and the ones you like don't want anything to do with you.

Despite all this, at least for the first week or so you get some decent interest and arrange a few coffee dates. Many of the men you meet are older, fatter, shorter and balder than they claimed. But some are not. If you vetted them on the phone at all you know they're not psychos or boring so you do have a nice time with them and would like to see them again. But they never call again, even if you express you had a nice time and would like to see them again. You go online and there they are every day looking for someone else. It wasn't them - it was you.

Most of the men you meet, regardless of physical attractiveness or good personality, have something off about them. Either they're fresh off a break up and are oozing with non-committal bitterness, seem to fall somewhere on the autism spectrum and have no social skills, or have something wrong with them physically (two giant hearing aids for one guy, another one with a horribly misshapen nose he hid with clever photography, another with the crazy eyes, etc etc). Most just want to get laid and lose interest immediately upon learning you're a smart, serious person. 

There is no sound on earth I'm more familiar with than that of the plaintive cry of a penis right as it retreats into a man's body upon encountering a smart, confident woman. I know it so well I could sing along in harmony. I believe I heard it on my porch last week. 

So why put myself through all that hell again? Because I have no other options, like everyone else on there. Because it's either this or nothing. Because of that one in a billion chance I might actually meet someone decent - which is one more chance than I have right now. 

And I hate that I am reduced to this and hate myself for even considering it. But, there it is. I do want a relationship. Ughhhh.

I am not sure how to go about it yet. I do know I'm only interested in single dads. I also know odds are I will probably not even be appealing to them. I mean, for Christ's sake, if I couldn't even generate the slightest interest when I was childless and ten years younger, who would possibly want me now? My guess is nobody. But I'm curious to find out.

So consider it an experiment you can all join in with me. I'm putting my toe back in that pool with no expectations except more of the same bullshit I experienced back in the day, only less volume because nobody wants a woman with small children. One woman on my Smc Facebook group said she had a profile up for six months and didn't receive one message. Not one. So I think I now have a gauge as to what to expect. Whole lotta nothin'. Much like I'm experiencing right now. Still.

It's not you...

I have been debating all day about whether to write today or wait until I feel better. But my stance with this blog is to put it all out there so people feel less alone in their own craziness. I feel like the people who prefer to present a perfect life online only make the rest of us feel crappy about ours, whereas those of us who put our weaknesses and bad moments out there help people feel better. Here's hoping this helps someone.

I had hoped that if The Love Interest rejected me that I would be able to "walk it off" and hold my head high and just be proud of myself and not take it personally. And some of this is true - I am proud of myself and I know his rejection of me 100% has nothing to do with me, my attractiveness, my worth as a person, etc. But oh boy am I having a hard time shaking this off.

The truth is, I feel horrible.

I feel physically sick - nauseated, no appetite, like I have a brick in my stomach, my legs and arms feel weak and I'm dizzy when I stand up. And today I kept bursting into tears at random moments. I haven't slept and everything depresses me. I've only been able to listen to loud, raucous music because anything even the slightest bit sentimental makes me want to cry. I feel completely, utterly heartbroken.

The thing I can't stop thinking about is how happy I would have been right now had it gone another way. Had he said he felt the same way and was happy about my coming out with it like I did, I would just be over the moon right now. I would be thrilled and relieved and ecstatic. Instead, I feel like this. And it went horribly. Apart from me being an idiot and saying or doing something I regretted, it kind of couldn't have gone worse. You should have seen just how pained and embarrassed he was. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. It was awful.

And it's all so maddening and confusing. You like me, you're attracted to me, but you don't want to be with me. Huh? I did call our mutual friend and he was entirely unhelpful. He had heard nothing about it - so clearly my LI had not mentioned our hanging out to even his closest friend - and all he could say was, "well, it sounds like you were both being honest." He could offer me no insight into this guy's relationships or where he's at now with this stuff; he says they haven't talked about things like this in a long time. He did say he admired my huge brass balls, though. So there's that.

All my friends, including my very supportive book club last night, are disappointed and befuddled and annoyed for me. Which feels good, so at least I know I'm not the only one sitting here going, "what the fuck???" I did talk to one of my single friends who told me over the years she's had several men do to her what I just did, and she reacted the same way - shocked, embarrassed, ran away - and said she just didn't want to do what it took to be in, and maintain, a relationship, and now is wondering if some of these guys were "the one that got away". I'm sure this is this guy's issue - he finds me appealing enough but just doesn't want to make the fucking effort. Great.

So, I wondered what it would be like after our dinner, and now I know. Much like I used to stand over my sleeping newborn babies and say to myself, "now I know." I've walked over a threshold with this guy after twenty years, and now I'm on the other side. And in this case, the other side sucks.

I think my advice would be to anyone attempting to turn a friendship into a relationship in which the other person has never even slightly indicated any interest, don't. Your gut is always right. Your heart is not.

The Low Down

I'm just going to vomit this up now as it's fresh in my mind and I don't want to forget anything. Perhaps tomorrow I'll have a different perspective, but for now, this is what happened on my date tonight.

The Love Interest came over with a cake and we talked in the kitchen while I cooked us a nice curry, then sat on the porch with the twinkling lights from the mountain across the train tracks blinking at us. We talked for four hours about all sorts of things. Then I mentioned it was 11 PM and he said he guessed he'd better get going. 

I knew it was now or never, so as he was gathering up to leave and I was about to open the door for him, I said, "so, I invited you over here to tell you I think you're cute and then never got around to it."

As I had pictured, he sort of stopped, with an embarrassed smile, and shook his head. "You don't realize that I'm not." I kind of paused, waiting for him to say something else, and he just said, "I don't know what to say to that." And then he started to walk out!

I followed him out and said, "you're just going to leave it like that?" And then came the speech.

"I really enjoy hanging out with you, I find you very attractive, but I think we'd be better as just friends."

I said something along the lines of, "it's ok, you're not feeling it. I get it. I just had to put it out there."

I believe at this point he said something like, "...and I don't know why..." And it was getting so incredibly awkward that I gave him a big hug and said that we're friends and it's ok and not to worry about it. And then he pretty much sprinted down the stairs and I went in the house and immediately texted like fifty people a big thumbs down. And then talked to a sympathetic friend for an hour and a half. 

So, that's that. We have our answer, and it is a big, fat NO.

I'm so glad I just said it. It's such a relief to not have that hanging over my head anymore - the last month, especially today, had been torture. I was determined to not let him leave this house tonight without a definitive answer, and I got it.

More importantly, I could tell by the way he was and the look on his face that yes, he had been considering me, that he was expecting this, and was a bit tortured over it. He was definitely very embarrassed (way more than I was) and reacted bizarrely - he really would have just walked out without saying much of anything had I not pressed him. I got the impression that he had probably been trying to convince himself over these months to go for it but just "wasn't feeling it", whatever the hell that means. And now he's afraid he's ruined a friendship, which he hasn't, because, as stated, I plan to completely forget any of this ever happened. Our next group meeting is in two weeks and I plan to act as cool as a cucumber. I'm a grown-ass woman. I can take it. Have I mentioned how I pushed two people out of my vagina?

But oh, you guys. We were sitting in the porch and he was so close to me, and just that maleness...the deep voice and the faint stubble and the shoulders...I'm just not that close to men that often and it's intoxicating. I just wanted to run my fingers through his hair and plant a big wet one on his lips. And he says he finds me very attractive. So...what gives?

Naturally my fantasy is in an hour or a day or a month he shows up on my doorstep and says, "I was a fool, I tell you, a damned fool!" and grabs me and kisses me as the music swells and the credits roll. 

Nope. Not going to happen.

What will happen is I will never contact him again, and we will see each other every month at this meeting, and I will pretend none of this ever fucking happened.

I may call our mutual friend tomorrow and tell him I made a pass at our friend and he shot me down and what's his take on it. I would love to hear from someone who knows him his perspective on all this, if he even has one. Probably he will just say, "he's an idiot." That's guys for you.

So, that's it. I'm glad I did all this because I hate wondering "what if". And I did get some jollies from it even if it ended badly. At least I didn't do anything stupid and, if anything, behaved far better than he did. I think he was just thoroughly freaked out. 

Maybe he will suddenly change his mind and realize what a catch I am. But I won't hold my breath.