It's not you...

I have been debating all day about whether to write today or wait until I feel better. But my stance with this blog is to put it all out there so people feel less alone in their own craziness. I feel like the people who prefer to present a perfect life online only make the rest of us feel crappy about ours, whereas those of us who put our weaknesses and bad moments out there help people feel better. Here's hoping this helps someone.

I had hoped that if The Love Interest rejected me that I would be able to "walk it off" and hold my head high and just be proud of myself and not take it personally. And some of this is true - I am proud of myself and I know his rejection of me 100% has nothing to do with me, my attractiveness, my worth as a person, etc. But oh boy am I having a hard time shaking this off.

The truth is, I feel horrible.

I feel physically sick - nauseated, no appetite, like I have a brick in my stomach, my legs and arms feel weak and I'm dizzy when I stand up. And today I kept bursting into tears at random moments. I haven't slept and everything depresses me. I've only been able to listen to loud, raucous music because anything even the slightest bit sentimental makes me want to cry. I feel completely, utterly heartbroken.

The thing I can't stop thinking about is how happy I would have been right now had it gone another way. Had he said he felt the same way and was happy about my coming out with it like I did, I would just be over the moon right now. I would be thrilled and relieved and ecstatic. Instead, I feel like this. And it went horribly. Apart from me being an idiot and saying or doing something I regretted, it kind of couldn't have gone worse. You should have seen just how pained and embarrassed he was. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. It was awful.

And it's all so maddening and confusing. You like me, you're attracted to me, but you don't want to be with me. Huh? I did call our mutual friend and he was entirely unhelpful. He had heard nothing about it - so clearly my LI had not mentioned our hanging out to even his closest friend - and all he could say was, "well, it sounds like you were both being honest." He could offer me no insight into this guy's relationships or where he's at now with this stuff; he says they haven't talked about things like this in a long time. He did say he admired my huge brass balls, though. So there's that.

All my friends, including my very supportive book club last night, are disappointed and befuddled and annoyed for me. Which feels good, so at least I know I'm not the only one sitting here going, "what the fuck???" I did talk to one of my single friends who told me over the years she's had several men do to her what I just did, and she reacted the same way - shocked, embarrassed, ran away - and said she just didn't want to do what it took to be in, and maintain, a relationship, and now is wondering if some of these guys were "the one that got away". I'm sure this is this guy's issue - he finds me appealing enough but just doesn't want to make the fucking effort. Great.

So, I wondered what it would be like after our dinner, and now I know. Much like I used to stand over my sleeping newborn babies and say to myself, "now I know." I've walked over a threshold with this guy after twenty years, and now I'm on the other side. And in this case, the other side sucks.

I think my advice would be to anyone attempting to turn a friendship into a relationship in which the other person has never even slightly indicated any interest, don't. Your gut is always right. Your heart is not.