It's not him, it's me

Just had my lunch with Former Love Interest. I am kind of speechless. Once again I'm going to vomit this up quickly before I forget any important details.

We met and talked about Mother's Day and other things that have been going on, in particular some very disturbing events over the weekend regarding my own estranged mother that I'll post about later.

Finally I said, "so...are we going to talk about it?"

He said, "yeah, I just really wanted to apologize." As I could tell from the look on his face that night, he was, in fact, shocked by my revelation and was pained thinking about all the times he'd been on the other side of that coin. So...he felt pity for me. Ughhh.

He asked if I had anything to say to him, and I said, "well, I guess at the risk of sounding weird...why?"

Then he really surprised me, and not in a good way. He said he didn't think we had that much in common (!?), said if it were going to happen between us it would have happened years ago, that he doesn't feel any chemistry between us, and thought we could have a fun fling but it could never be more than that (!?) and he just can't do that to me. Ummm...thanks?

Then he brought up the group we're in and how we'd be stuck having to deal with each other, how the times he'd had really amazing relationships he felt this immediate thunderbolt-like attraction and just does not feel that for me. No chemistry. Nothing in common. What? 

He also said he's on various dating sites and meets women all the time. So my perception that he's this lonely guy who's all boxed up and just needed a push from a nice girl couldn't have been more wrong. He wants somebody. Just not me. He's just not into me at all.

He asked if I thought we really had anything in common and I nearly spit out my drink as I spluttered, "yes, of course! I have more in common with you than just about anyone I know!!!" How could two people have such complete polar opposite views of themselves???

I thought I would go into this lunch feeling sassy and empowered and in control, but oh my God it did not feel that way at all. It was exactly as I'd feared - a pity lunch in which he only wanted to apologize and then tell me just how much he doesn't want me but wants someone else. What.The.Fuck.

I did manage to squeeze in that I was already dating someone else, but saying that did not feel as good as I'd thought. He was interested in it in the way a brother would be. It sucked.

I thought I felt bad before but now I feel a lot worse. At least before I could fool myself into thinking he really likes me but just doesn't want to disappoint me or something lame like that. Nope. He was never interested, not in the slightest. 

I really wish I'd never started any of this. It's all been very upsetting and a huge blow to my ego, which I didn't need. If I could go back and undo it all and regain a little of my dignity, I would. It's all been a monumental waste of time and energy - and now it's out there, forever, that I put all this energy into this guy who would only ever feel pity for me. Good Lord.

And now I get to see him Thursday night. This was all a huge mistake.