My two little deal breakers

Ah, the end of another long holiday weekend in which we had no plans because everyone we would have plans with were busy with their own families! So happy it's over. These weekends are brutally lonely for me and a slog because of preschool being closed. Still, we made the best of it, and I did use Sunday at The Baby Kennel (my phrase) for both kids for a few hours so I could run my SMC group and do a little refrigerator shopping. And there have been times lately when I actually enjoy the occasional unstructured day alone with the kids. Sometimes it's actually kind of fun. But as any of you know it's been a weird emotional roller coaster for me lately so it's been hard for me to keep my chin up.

Anyway, one really nice development lately is Bobby's interest in his little brother. Suddenly he wants to play with him - asks for him and wants to see him all the time - and has learned to not just grab everything out of his hands and push him out of the way. He's learning to be gentle and make sure Theo has a toy, too - when T cries, Bobby says, "he needs a hug," and loves to get his drinks for him, give him snacks, etc. I can finally (for real this time) leave them to play unsupervised for a few minutes without walking in to find Theo buried under a comforter or Bobby stomping on his chest for fun. Oh, how I appreciate the three-year-old brain so much more than the two-year-old's! Three has its challenges, to be sure - the sudden rage that flies out of this child is epic - but the fact that he now kind of understands what I tell him and kind of can be reasoned with makes a huge difference in our lives. Can you imagine when they're both kids who can talk and reason and understand? It's going to be amazing. 

I did in fact get a "match" on CMB. We just spoke on the phone and are meeting for coffee Sunday night. He's a smart, sharp guy which is rare and important. My only concern is I don't know if I'm that attracted to him. His pictures are all over the map so it's hard to know who I'm meeting (I'm going to guess it's the worst version). But obviously he had some quality about him that made me choose "like", so I'll just trust that instinct. 

Today's "bagel" said he prefers to date women with older children since his are starting college, so I respected that and clicked "pass". 

I am so certain that none of these potential dates will ever get past one or two meetings that I'm not too concerned about talking about the kids right off the bat; if I meet this guy once and he never calls me again, won't I be glad I didn't tell him? But it is weighing heavily on me. This is all uncharted territory for me and I'm not sure how to handle it. I was so terrified as I was talking on the phone that Bobby would wake up screaming as he does just about every night that I got up and went into the dining room and just prayed he wouldn't wake up. How would I explain that, exactly? Ugh. But if I am being rejected by these guys I want to know it's because of me and not because I have kids. Also, I kind of feel like it's nobody's business, especially not people who are total strangers.

I feel suddenly like the two guys I dated twenty years ago who had the very unpleasant task of telling me they had herpes before we got too close. I always felt so bad for them, having to tell every girl they meet this horrid little secret that might send the girl running screaming. Ironically both of these guys dumped me in the end, and no, I did not catch it from them. But now I have a "deal breaker" of my own that I need to hide and then maybe disclose later, and it is not fun. It's making an already stressful process infinitely more stressful.