Don’t look back

It’s been a difficult couple of days, making last minute arrangements for the kids to switch schools and handling all the emotions around that (or not handling them). Yesterday I got out the birth certificates, proof of residency, immunization records, the signed permit for Theo, and the reams of filled-out paperwork and brought them to the new school. We’re officially in. And officially out of Mt Washington Elementary, which breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. After I picked up the permit from the office and the kind secretary said again how sad they all were to be losing our “sweet boys”, I sat in the car and sobbed. I can’t believe it’s over. And yet here we are.

To make myself feel better, I keep reminding myself of the realities - I love that school, but it’s not perfect. Due to a crop of exceptionally shitty 4th graders, the year was marred by violence and bullying; and if Bobby stayed he’d be in a 5/6 split classroom (already not great) that would include some of those kids. About 2/3 of the 5th graders are leaving, including many of the kids Bobby’s known since kindergarten, so the school, for both of us, would be a bit of a lonely place next year - so many familiar faces will be gone. It’s the new generation’s time now - all new parents and little kids; our time is up. Like it or not, next year just wouldn’t have been the same. When I went to Eagle Rock to register the kids they were in the middle of a giant thumping dance party in the schoolyard - awards, maybe, or 6th grade graduation - and that’s the kind of thing that would never be possible at our little school. Bobby and Theo are moving on to better possibilities and we’re doing the right thing. But boy do I hate goodbyes.

Here are the memories I’ll treasure about Mt Washington. I remember the end of summer 2017 when Bobby started kindergarten, and the smell of eucalyptus as I walked him down the ramp to the yard, and how I carried three-year-old Theo on my back. Beck’s “Colors” had come out just then, and it was the soundtrack to our lives - everything was strange and new, after years of expensive preschools and complicated schedules, here we were finally in real public school. The school I’d had on my radar since I bought the house in 2001. Then came the years of both boys in school together finally, tragically cut short at the end of Theo’s kindergarten year by covid. Then the year of hiking past the school during covid, looking at it longingly as it sat empty for so long. The Halloween carnivals and pancake breakfasts and shows in the MPR. It’s hard to imagine I was ever so young or they were ever so young. 

I asked Bobby last night if he knew why parents get sad at their kids’ growing up. He said, is it because you get to spend less time with them? I said yes, but also because it means we’re all closer to death. That’s what this is all really about, at its core - mortality, and facing it, in all its crushing finality. There would never have been a scenario in which these kids would stay at this school forever; this moment was inevitable, whether it was next year or the year after or the year after that. Nothing gold can stay. 

I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days driving around our “new neighborhood” to get my mind off of everything we’ve lost - the elementary school is a quarter mile from the jr/sr high, so there is a scenario in which Theo and Bobby could one day walk to each other’s schools if need be, assuming we go to the jr/sr high. The neighborhoods are decent, and familiar, and I imagine many of the kids at their summer camp will also be at their elementary school, so hopefully they can make some friends this summer that will carry on through the year. 

I’ve been getting messages from sympathetic parents saying what a great opportunity we have and how sad they are to see us go - the principal in particular said she’d really miss us, and I believe her although the kids said, “I bet she says that to everyone” #cynics 

Thankfully a mom I’ve known since kindergarten who is really the only friend I’ve made at this school also has a kid who left MWE last year for the HG program, and we’ve been in touch a lot about this, and she’s been very helpful. She told me yesterday that Bobby’s current teacher, the one with the PhD, has been poached to join the new school, too, and I’m delighted by this even though it’s unlikely either kid will get her again (B definitely won’t, and Theo won’t because he won’t be in the HG program). My friend has a younger girl at MWE still and says she’s hoping she can move over, too. So I’m not going to say there’s a mass exodus from our school, but it does sort of feel that way. I’m glad to not be among those left behind, to be honest. My friend will also be a good ally in investigating jr high schools this year - I want to make sure I explore all options now that situations have changed. So we are definitely not alone, thank goodness. 

In a couple of hours I get on a plane to join my family for my cousin’s wedding in Boston, which will be a much needed break from all of this. I’ve been a wreck for days and seriously need a change of scenery. I need to put all eyes front and cheer up, and stop looking back.