There were no more issues with Theo and this other kid at camp, knock wood. I’m still trepidatious about it all. The kids have only two more weeks there, then most of July off, then the two weeks before school starts in August. I think I’ll feel much better when we get through these remaining weeks in June. I don’t know why that whole incident shook me up so much, but it did. Maybe it just plays into my general anxiety about all the changes coming up with starting a new school and how the burden of navigating all of that, between the technical stuff (supplies, rules, drop offs, etc) plus managing everyone’s feelings, falls to me as the parent, and how stressful that is (especially with my 25th anniversary event falling three weeks into the new school year). It’s a whole thing.
The cabin is *still* not completely finished, with (at this moment) no concrete plans to wrap it up. The guys came back this week to apply all of the siding, and it looks amazing, and I can breathe a sigh of relief that the shell underneath is officially protected. I’m assuming they finished up the interior walls as well, so now all we’re left with is paint and one lower window shutter to be installed. Unfortunately temperatures are set to sail up close to 110° starting next weekend, which means a) they probably won’t come out to paint any time soon and b) we can’t go out for 4th of July, which is disappointing. The contractor is trying to get me to pay the rest (I think?) which makes me nervous because I’ve been bitten so many times paying in full before a job is done - so I really don’t want to do that. I would hate for this good relationship to sour at the very end and be left with an unpainted cabin that is surrounded by debris that we’d then have to clean up. As of right now I’m waiting for a confirmation on when they’re coming out again. Everything is hanging in the balance. And if the temperatures keep up this summer, which I predict they will, it may be a very long time before we see it again. Like, months.
In the meantime I’m trying to get the fussier aspects of the event organized - things I usually leave until the last minute, when I have no bandwidth left for small details. Scheduling stuff, design and decoration stuff, little extras that I get too exhausted to deal with later. Especially with the special anniversary I can’t slack. It occurred to me that from now on, these anniversaries won’t hold much weight - will anyone care about the 30th, or 40th, or 45th? Not really. The 50th will be a big deal, if it happens, but of course I’ll be 76 years old by then with grown children and a completely different life. Will I even be in charge at that point? Who knows. I certainly couldn’t have predicted 25 years ago what my life looks like now. Would 26 year old me be pleased? I think so. I’d be surprised the event was still going, happy I have two kids and a good relationship, happy I’m a homeowner, horrified by what happened to my mother, not thrilled with my weight gain (as little as it’s been) and the general age-related deterioration of my body and ability (or willingness) to actually do things. I’m definitely settling into middle age, and I don’t like it, but I also have to ask myself *why* I don’t like it, and do I have unrealistic expectations about what my body should look like and what kind of activities I should be able to engage in at this point. Or am I just a fat, lazy slob who needs to get off her ass and work out and be “fabulous at any age” (ie be 51 but work my ass off and starve to have the appearance that came completely effortlessly ten years ago)? These are the questions that plague me more than I care to admit. I make scattershot attempts at weight loss, but mostly just eat sparingly all day and then binge on snacks at 10 pm in bed when all my resolve deteriorates. I still have not tried those diet pills that have been sitting in my cupboard for months. I feel like if I try those, I need to decide I’m back on the weight loss train, which right now, I’m not. But I’m also slowly but surely re-gaining all the weight I lost from Christmas, and with my event around the corner, that’s not great. Can I start up again after this trip when I’ll have more control over what I eat at home, when it’ll be hot and I’ll naturally want to eat more healthfully? Is that a good time to try again? I don’t know. I just want to sit in bed and eat snacks. Why can’t I just do that?
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