Today, the actual start of school, we all dragged our asses out of bed at seven to attend the first assembly - I thought it was live and/or mandatory; turns out it was just a short video we could have watched any time. Then the kids were meant to watch a couple of orientation videos and do some school work - the videos were way above their heads (aimed at much older kids) and the schoolwork consisted of answering a question about what they learned from the videos (how to set up a work station, etc - something we haven’t done here partially based on lack of space and partially due to my shitty attitude and denial about all of this being our reality). And then...that was it. First day of school down.
I took this picture as their first day of school picture. Note the lack of backpacks and shoes. This is the inauspicious beginning of 1st and 3rd grade.
I took advantage of our short day to take a quick hike up the hill before the wicked heat settled in (it’s been high 90s all week with no end in sight). Once up there, looking over the city, I got choked up thinking about what might have been. It makes me so mad and sad and fills me with saudade. The beginning of school is such a happy, exciting time - this year was going to be so special, with Bobby more independent and with long established friendships, and Theo finally out of the baby stage of school. Last year a group of local moms met at a restaurant after drop off to celebrate; I couldn’t go because kindergarteners had to be picked up after just a couple of hours. I remember thinking how much I looked forward to the next year when both kids would be in school all day. Little did I know.
On earth 2, I would have gotten up today and hustled the boys into the car and joined the mass gathering of the first day of school, meeting in the MPR for announcements and kissing the boys on the head as they trot off to join their classes. I would also be in the thick of preparing for yet another massive, successful event - I’d have stress but money in the bank, and plans for traveling and getting an electric car in three months and more home improvements. Life would be good. And instead, it’s this. I don’t really know what this is.
The grief over what might have been is, at the moment, almost unbearable. I just want to go somewhere quiet and cry for the rest of the day.
Instead I put a load of laundry on, re-organized my spice drawer and tea shelf, set up a charging station for our million and one devices that now require charging, and generally tidied up. I set dinner to cook in the slow cooker and am about to make some ice cream. It’s noon. Now what?
Tomorrow will look like today - I hope the work is still minimal - plus meet & greets with the teachers (finally), and then Thursday is the first day of instruction. I am highly skeptical that these kids, particularly Theo, are going to be able to pay attention to online lessons from 9-2 every day. Just how much we’re going to have to hover over them is, as of now, unknown. I also don’t know if they’ll be required to still do homework every night, too.
The BF said he had an interview for a job at a good company with benefits - but it’s $18 an hour and the shift is 4 AM to 2 PM. I told him that job would destroy our relationship. I don’t think he’ll take it. I’m mad that all of his prospects are like this - shit pay and horrible hours. I’m understanding now why he was so adamant about striking off on his own. You can’t possibly have any kind of family life under those conditions. I’m in a tough position telling him to turn down jobs just for our convenience - but at such terrible pay, I really don’t see the advantage of being completely absent from our lives. As much as I’m kind of itching to get him out of the house after nearly six months, I still don’t want him gone all of the time.
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