Week two down

We survived our second week of “school”, and because for once it wasn’t the night before my event and was conducted online, I was able to attend Back to School night. So, that’s a first.

The boys did well. Theo’s stuff is more in flux - the teacher changes up procedures fairly regularly, and we’re all still trying to figure out tough stuff for kids this age - should they be typing answers? Writing with their finger with a draw tool? Writing on paper and then taking a picture and sending it? Should I correct his spelling errors as I see them or just let them be? I think it’s hard for everyone to assess exactly what works best for first graders in this situation. Dragging him through his independent work every day sucks big time. He just wants to run and jump and kick and climb. It’s like trying to get a monkey to sit down and solve a rubix cube. Good luck with that.

I have become obsessed with winter camping in Death Valley. I mean...what former/current goth doesn’t love the idea of being in a place called Death Valley?? Also, I’ve kind of fallen in love with remote desert camping after our water tank camping experience. It’s pretty magical. And I want to continue our camping magic as long as I can. Our big hurdles are the school schedule (of course randomly this year there are almost no three day weekends) and not knowing if the BF is going to get a job that prohibits his leaving town. So the plan I’ve formulated is Death Valley for the first part of the Thanksgiving week off - and I want to rent a trailer or small RV because the nights will be very cold and apparently there’s intense winds, which all sounds awful in tents and trying to cook dinner outside. I think it’s worth the expense of renting a camper of some kind. We already have a trip to Joshua Tree set for a month from now and we may head up to lake Isabella one more time in October. If Death Valley works out in Nov maybe we can go over Christmas, too. I was hoping to cash in our free trip to Hawaii over Christmas...but Hawaii is really hurting right now. Somehow I don’t see them welcoming visitors by then. But...you never know. 

For now, the kids are safe and happy, and I’m having the least amount of stress in years the weekend before Labor Day - there is some stress due to the virtual event still being in place; but maybe 10% of what I normally experience. It sucks because we all wish “normal life” could be this easy going...but the reason it’s this easy going is because I’m prohibited from earning a living right now. When I subtract the SBA money and refinance money from my bank account, I only have about $10,000 left, which will be gone in two months. By the end of the year I will be officially living on credit only. I wish I could open for registration on Feb 1 like usual and start having an income again, but right now that looks pretty impossible, and I’m trying to make peace with the fact that next year will likely be a loss year, too, even if I am allowed to have a live event. It’s a heartbreaking thought but pretty likely, since so many people have been financially devastated or will be over the next few months. It’s just bad news all around.

The mystery of the missing comments

So...blogger just changed its format, and I happened upon a “moderate comments” section I’d never seen before. In the past I was always emailed when someone made a comment; those stopped back in 2018 and I just assumed everyone was bored with me and wasn’t reading anymore. Well, lookie here - 96 comments awaiting approval!! Wtf. So I just approved them all (well, the non-spam ones, anyway) and just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog. I wasn’t ignoring you, and I’m surprised and delighted that you’ve all been weighing in with support/advice/encouragement. 

Also it’s just a little weird knowing that people are actually still reading this. In the words of Bette Davis, “suddenly it feels as if I’ve taken off all my clothes”. Ha. Anyway. Thanks again. This time I will check my “moderate comments” folder more regularly! Sheesh! 

In the groove

It’s week two of distance learning. Things are going ok. Most of our glitchy issues seem to be resolved for the moment - although I’m still anxiously awaiting the Verizon hot spot the school has offered to supplement our shitty internet. Things I’ve learned since last week:

There really is no comfortable spot to do work around here. Bobby regularly moves his chrome book from the hallway to the kitchen to our bedroom and never seems to settle anywhere

You can’t have any other devices on wifi when both boys are on their zoom calls in the morning

We need to have more snacks lying around. Also, the boys need to learn to throw away the wrappers of said snacks 

Theo’s “independent work” after his zoom classroom stuff ends around 10:30 AM is way less gnarly (so far) than his kindergarten stuff last year. Go figure 

The small exercise trampoline that’s been monopolizing our dining room for months, mostly unused, has become an essential recess tool

So far, the schedule is fairly relaxed and I feel like I can live with it. I get up at 8, make breakfast and get the kids through their morning routines, then set both boys up to start at 9 AM. Bobby has a pretty good mix of teacher time, breaks, and work in groups. I don’t watch him very much - I worry that he’s really fucking up and I just don’t know it. But every time I peek in on him he seems to be doing what he’s supposed to be doing, so...? It also makes me realize how much of the actual school day is spent on academics and how much is other stuff. Turns out a lot is other stuff. He is typically done between 1-2:15 each day. So far the only after school work has been a slideshow due Friday. We’re half way done with it.

Theo has live instruction until about 10:30 which to me is age-appropriate, and then there’s 5-6 quick, easy assignments we do together on various platforms. Between lunch and these assignments it takes him about until when B finishes up. Then we’re off for the day.

I don’t have any complaints about the way things are being done - I wish this had been in place last spring, although obviously that was impossible at the time. It seems workable - at least for non-working parents. Theo has to be assisted at all times. The BF thinks he’ll be able to do his own assignments soon - I don’t believe this for one second. I can barely figure out where everything is. But at least the online school part I just have to make sure he’s paying attention, which he usually is. 

For now I can still sneak off for walks or lunches, although the BF has been back at his old job here and there, doing mostly favors for his old boss (some paid, some not) so I’ve seen a bit of my future being trapped here alone day and night with two rambunctious kids, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, and make no mistake, it is a slog. 

Our governor says our numbers are dropping and our school district is teasing us with hints as to what a return to school could look like. I don’t dare to dream, honestly - I still can’t imagine how winter, always the height of sick season, will be when things suddenly start getting better. But like all people right now I’m taking some comfort in the fact that our infection rates are not still ever-careening up to the sky. That’s something.

Day two

Today went a little better as both boys were able to be on their school-supplied devices, thus freeing up our computers (not that I dared use mine with the internet being so taxed with two zoom meetings going on at once). Bobby’s stuff is working fine - Theo’s independent work is still not possible as the program he’s on, Skies, still won’t let him record videos or take pictures and won’t launch story videos for him to watch (I just have him watch on my phone). So if they can just fix that, and get us an internet hot spot, we’ll be in business. 

I nipped out for a hike in the morning before the full heat of the day set in, and felt relaxed enough to attempt a fast day, which felt totally impossible yesterday. I’m going to maximize this time with the BF still here before he inevitably has to be gone during the day. I might try to sneak out for a friend lunch next week, we’ll see how it goes. 

Theo’s class so far has been two hours of zoom followed by a few short assignments on Skies which we mostly can’t do. No homework yet for anyone. Theo’s teacher says the zoom sessions will get longer next week; I don’t know what that means for his schedule. I hope things stay relatively like this. This, I can manage, especially when Bobby is entirely self-directed right now (thank god). I’m getting used to throwing lunch together in a short amount of time and managing Theo while Bobby still has a few more hours of school. I wish their school days were identical, but I also know at his age it’ll be that much harder to pay attention from 9-2 each day. Ugh. 

I’m having an inferiority complex looking at the super moms on FB with their clever classroom setups. The BF joked we should take a picture of B on the toilet with his laptop and post it as our awesome setup. Ha ha. The truth isn’t too far off. B left the kitchen table today and did various setups around the house because he was so uncomfortable. It’s going to be a work in progress, no doubt. 

How many months will we be doing this? What will it look like when we return to school? Christmas? January? Spring? End of school year? Start of 4th and 2nd grade? Worse? I read an article today that said the WHO cautioned that any vaccine will not end this pandemic and that we’re all going to have to accept things will never return to the way they were. I think that’s a bit dire...but I agree a vaccine alone won’t be a home run, especially with the propaganda machine already causing nearly half the population to state they won’t ever get it. It fills me with fear that I won’t be able to run an event next year. I can still make it...kinda...by using all of that SBA money and putting me impossibly in debt. But I worry for the future of my event and dance in general if we have to take two years off. How many money-losing events will I have to produce after that before I can make a profit again? Will our band ever have a place to play again?? Still, if things are really that bad, there will be far more people in big trouble than me - concert venues, sports, movie theaters, live theater, all events and gatherings...if we all have to shut our doors until 2022 or later, there’s just going to have to be some kind of assistance. And not just loans that all have to be paid back with interest. 

In the meantime, we’re safe, our bills are paid, school has begun and we’re managing. My virtual event is moving along. I can’t complain, really. 

First day of actual “school”

School started in earnest today. I anticipated the multitudinous tech issues and had both boys on our laptops rather than their school-supplied devices (neither had zoom installed, surprise!) so at least we were able to jerryrig our way through Bobby’s full day of school and Theo’s two hours of zoom followed by independent work (that fell flat as Skies wasn’t working for us - no camera, no video, no launching of videos; sigh). 

It was a terrible flashback to last March and April with me running back and forth to both kids making sure they were paying attention and being respectful (the BF was part of this process, too, thankfully); things got better when I was able to trust Bobby to do what he was supposed to and let him use his headphones. He did great - the teacher set a timer for breaks which he followed, and after the first couple of hours he was able to be mostly unattended. Theo will need to be watched more, but thankfully his day is shorter (so far). 

After another flurry of emails I was able to fix a few issues - hopefully tomorrow they can get off our computers - and when the school gets us a hot spot for internet that should help a lot, since our internet cannot handle two zoom sessions at once. 

I’m confident things will get fixed and we’ll get into a groove. But man, today was insanely stressful, and I feel like I just ran a fucking marathon. My utter lack of preparation showed - I never did buy any supplies, assuming we had enough from previous years - and there was a big scramble for composition books and sharpened pencils and blank paper. Theo’s chair was so uncomfortable we had to retrieve our old kitchen chair from the shed. Life would be A LOT better if each kid had their own room with a desk and a light and good internet. But we don’t have any of those things, so we’re making due with an antique writing desk in a corner (Theo) and a random kitchen chair, and the kitchen table for Bobby. These arrangements will probably not last the year. We’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m just sort of Forrest Gump-ing my way through this mess. Not really leaning into it, not not participating, just hoping I come out of it in the end like crawling out of a dark cave with a “huh?” look on my face. One more day tomorrow and then at least we get a break for the weekend. 

I don’t know how single parents and/or parents with full time jobs do this, I really don’t. I *could* manage on my own, I suppose - single moms find a way. But as with all things it’s just easier with another adult around. 

First day of “school”

Yesterday we ran up to the school to pick up educational materials and devices - chrome book for Bobby, Ipad for Theo. Then spent the afternoon pulling my hair out trying to find last year’s usernames and passwords (half of which had been re-set anyway); a flurry of emails to teachers and principal, a long somewhat useless zoom meeting about the upcoming year (still not much of a sense of what the school day will actually look like). Yesterday went pretty much as I expected. 

Today, the actual start of school, we all dragged our asses out of bed at seven to attend the first assembly - I thought it was live and/or mandatory; turns out it was just a short video we could have watched any time. Then the kids were meant to watch a couple of orientation videos and do some school work - the videos were way above their heads (aimed at much older kids) and the schoolwork consisted of answering a question about what they learned from the videos (how to set up a work station, etc - something we haven’t done here partially based on lack of space and partially due to my shitty attitude and denial about all of this being our reality). And then...that was it. First day of school down.

I took this picture as their first day of school picture. Note the lack of backpacks and shoes. This is the inauspicious beginning of 1st and 3rd grade. 

I took advantage of our short day to take a quick hike up the hill before the wicked heat settled in (it’s been high 90s all week with no end in sight). Once up there, looking over the city, I got choked up thinking about what might have been. It makes me so mad and sad and fills me with saudade. The beginning of school is such a happy, exciting time - this year was going to be so special, with Bobby more independent and with long established friendships, and Theo finally out of the baby stage of school. Last year a group of local moms met at a restaurant after drop off to celebrate; I couldn’t go because kindergarteners had to be picked up after just a couple of hours. I remember thinking how much I looked forward to the next year when both kids would be in school all day. Little did I know. 

On earth 2, I would have gotten up today and hustled the boys into the car and joined the mass gathering of the first day of school, meeting in the MPR for announcements and kissing the boys on the head as they trot off to join their classes. I would also be in the thick of preparing for yet another massive, successful event - I’d have stress but money in the bank, and plans for traveling and getting an electric car in three months and more home improvements. Life would be good. And instead, it’s this. I don’t really know what this is.

The grief over what might have been is, at the moment, almost unbearable. I just want to go somewhere quiet and cry for the rest of the day. 

Instead I put a load of laundry on, re-organized my spice drawer and tea shelf, set up a charging station for our million and one devices that now require charging, and generally tidied up. I set dinner to cook in the slow cooker and am about to make some ice cream. It’s noon. Now what?

Tomorrow will look like today - I hope the work is still minimal - plus meet & greets with the teachers (finally), and then Thursday is the first day of instruction. I am highly skeptical that these kids, particularly Theo, are going to be able to pay attention to online lessons from 9-2 every day. Just how much we’re going to have to hover over them is, as of now, unknown. I also don’t know if they’ll be required to still do homework every night, too. 

The BF said he had an interview for a job at a good company with benefits - but it’s $18 an hour and the shift is 4 AM to 2 PM. I told him that job would destroy our relationship. I don’t think he’ll take it. I’m mad that all of his prospects are like this - shit pay and horrible hours. I’m understanding now why he was so adamant about striking off on his own. You can’t possibly have any kind of family life under those conditions. I’m in a tough position telling him to turn down jobs just for our convenience - but at such terrible pay, I really don’t see the advantage of being completely absent from our lives. As much as I’m kind of itching to get him out of the house after nearly six months, I still don’t want him gone all of the time. 

The Last Hurrah

Yesterday we returned from our Last Hurrah camping trip. I booked a KOA for the first time, at Lake Isabella, an area where the BF lived briefly as a teenager. We arrived at the KOA (privately owned campground) and were immediately disappointed - it turned out to be nowhere near the lake (I don’t know how I missed this while booking), and the campsites were tiny little driveway spots, all stacked together like horse stalls. So here we are setting up our tent a foot away from total strangers...in the time of coronavirus...I was not happy. We decided to stay one night and then go check out the state run sites that online had said “no reservations available”. The spot did have water and electric and a kitchen area and a playground, which were all great...but it had more of a “holiday camp” feel to it. I realized what I want when I go camping is isolation. 

Thankfully after touring around the lake and checking out every campsite we saw, we found tons and tons of spots - most where you just drive in and pay the “host” and pick wherever you want. It was wild - I’m so used to the more popular campgrounds being fully booked six months in advance. The BF assured me he remembered camping here as a kid and you never had to reserve anything and there were never many people. I think he’s right, even today. Of course it helped that it was during the week. But we found a beautiful isolated spot right on the water with nobody for miles at a place called Camp 9, so we (quite literally) pulled up stakes and moved over there. 

The lake itself was really for decoration only - it was low and full of toxic algae, so no swimming. Lakes are tricky here in SoCal. Water is so scarce here that most “lakes” are man-made reservoirs that can’t be swam in, and almost without exception they are freezing cold year round. Bit of a bummer, but in this case we found a couple of magical hot springs along the Kern River and spent our last day doing that, which was delightful. We also swam in the river a bit even though it was very cold. The best thing about this week was discovering that the Kern River is full of open campgrounds, swimming holes, and hot springs, and that it’s clear we could pack up any time we want and head up there on a whim. I see a lot of trips up there in our future. 

Even though it’s only mid-August - and weather wise, intense heat will last about two more months around here - there is a melancholy feeling of end of summer happening. I feel it slipping away, and it makes me sad, even though I know it must. We really sucked the marrow out of the bone of this summer, and I’m glad. 

The kids - “why do we always have to go camping??”

Me - “because I’m trying to make your childhood fucking magical!!!” (in my head)

I think I’ve instilled in them a love-hate relationship with camping. They’re not fond of the bugs and sketchy toilets - and would much rather be home on their PS4. But like most children, they just go along, because they know the adults have the power. I appreciate that.

There is so much to do and so much happening before school starts next week that I am full of anxiety about it. We have received four emails from B’s teacher - each correcting the last - with complicated instructions on what’s going to happen next week; we have received zero communication from T’s teacher  which makes me nervous, since I heard a lot of 1st grade parents complaining about how checked out the 1st grade teachers were last spring. We missed Theo’s equipment pick up day, and we need to start logging in and setting up things for both kids, and I’m super anxious about all of it. Normally my anxiety would be about sending kids out into the world without my protection - now it’s managing complicated technology issues. I don’t know which is worse, really.

One thing for sure is at least the BF will be home for this transition period. He has interviewed for a few printing jobs but they are mostly in the middle of the night, so he has thankfully turned them down. Part of me has begun to wish he’ll get a job just so I’ll have one less person in this house constantly - but I really do need help at least in the beginning, and at least until my virtual event wraps up.

What happens after Labor Day is a huge void for me. I can’t plan for next year’s event, so I will have nothing to do except walk these kids through their school day. I am attempting to fill this void for myself by trying to learn languages, maybe even an instrument. I’m going to have to have my own projects or I’ll lose my mind, especially if getting out of the house for exercise or meetings friends is off the table. I don’t expect these kids to be back in school before spring, if even that is a possibility. I don’t expect to be able to plan my event before then, either, so next year if I can run at all, will probably have to be thrown together in just a few months. Sigh. 

Classrooms

After checking my mail compulsively fifteen times yesterday, at last the boys’ class assignments arrived. I fielded texts, FB posts and Bloomz posts all day. In the end...I feel a bit meh. Theo did not get Bobby’s first grade teacher - none of us know this one. Many of Bobby’s friends he’s had in his classes since kindergarten are not in his class this year, which makes me sad for him. But his teacher is supposed to be excellent, and he’s back in the same class as the kid he had his first kindergarten play date with, whose mother is the only mom I’ve socialized with who also happens to be PTA president this year, so that’s huge. The full class rosters will be posted Monday. You best believe I’ll be up there snapping pictures. At least some of our school time rituals can remain the same. No supplies or new backpacks this year, but at least we have this. I’m still fantasizing about the day (next school year?) when the kids are old enough to hang out at Beyond the Bell after school and then walk home and let themselves in the house. As sad as it is, I think the days of the kids going to the local rec center after school program are probably over. It’s so weird to think how I picked them up on Friday the 13th of March - Theo’s birthday - grabbed their backpacks...and after years of preschool, summer camps and afterschool, they would never go there again...without even a proper goodbye...it’s so sad I can hardly wrap my mind around it. 

I had a confab with my streamer guys today, and the contest videos are starting to be sent in by the contestants for my virtual event. It’s so weird to see people actually participating in this crazy thing I decided to do. It’s actually working...people are actually a part of it. It’s pretty exciting.

Tuesday we go on our last hurrah camping trip to Lake Isabella for the rest of the week. Then school starts the following week. It looks like just orientation-type stuff for the first few days, then actual schoolwork starting on Thursday. We still have crappy internet and no real work spaces for the boys. Last year we had Bobby at the kitchen table and Theo in his room - they have to be separated. But neither area is really comfortable or set up correctly for sitting and staring at a computer all day. We may have to figure this out once we see what the school day actually looks like. I heard the school day doesn’t start until 9 AM. I can live with that. Overall, I’m not mad about it. The only things that concern me are not being able to get exercise, and having to make lunch every day (assuming the BF has a day job which is still up in the air and may be for weeks or months). 

In the meantime I’m making strawberry ice cream and trying to live in the moment. 

Countdown to school

It’s August. Which means we’re now in this pandemic going on five months, and things couldn’t be looking worse as far as infections, deaths, and people about to be evicted and/or lose their businesses forever. Good times.

There still is not a set schedule for school, but I’ve looked at both the teachers’ union proposed schedule and the LAUSD one and I feel like I can live with both. Bobby I’m not too worried about...Theo, in first grade...I don’t know. Is he going to be able to sit on a computer for four fifty minute segments in a day...? Other questions - when are they going to announce classroom assignments? When are they going to decide the class schedule? How do I normalize the start of the school year? When do we take up violin again (we’ve been on hiatus all summer)? 

Nobody knows anything and everyone is freaking out. 

To add to my stress and uncertainty, the BF is interviewing for a shitty, low-paying job in Chatsworth. It would keep him out of the house 10-12 hours a day and barely pay $2500 a month. No benefits, no nothing. I tried to convince him it’s a complete waste of time, but it’s hard to convince someone of that when the $600 a week Pandemic Unemployment just ended and there’s no replacement in sight. So far he’s just interviewing; he may very well come to the conclusion, too, that it’s not worth it and to hold out for a better opportunity. But I’m seriously considering waiving his rent just to try to keep him here this month through the two tough things I have coming up - school starting, and my virtual event. Once we get past the hump of both of those things I’ll be a lot less anxious. Until then, though - ugh. 

It’s been hot here so we’ve been in the pool pretty much every day. I’m waterlogged and spacey. I take a hot, sweaty walk up in the hills that are particularly empty right now because of the heat, then work on the computer, then get in the pool, then make and eat dinner. The days seem to fly and slide by at the same time. It’s August, which means the Big Bake is about to begin. No more marine  layer, no more foggy chilly mornings. It’s going to be relentlessly hot now until about Halloween. Dry as hell, too. Time to crank on the AC, take multiple showers, and drink lots of water. I dream of snowy sunny mountains this winter; the fantasy of child-free time and a Covid-free world in which I can ski during weekdays. But it is just a fantasy. My prediction? We’re in this mess until spring, at least. But big things will happen before then - an election, a vaccine perhaps. It won’t always be like this. But it will be for a while still.