It's on

So...the thing I've been waiting months for arrived today. Not my period - the other thing, my buddy EWCM. Not a lot, just a glimmer of it, but undeniable. It appeared as I was on the toilet this evening and thought I heard B waking up so I was very distracted and went rushing in to the bedroom (he never wakes after going to bed now, so I assumed his waking up meant I should check on him in case he was in trouble). So in the moment I didn't really get to process what this meant. What this tiny little blob of bodily fluid means to me, my future, and Bumpus' future.

It means my fertility has at last returned. It means that I could start trying now, maybe. It means no more waiting, maybe. It means this is it. Do or die. I had kind of convinced myself that I was going to be stuck having to wait up to a year, and by then I may have changed my mind (remember, I have to shut down all fall and winter so as not to conflict with my event). As it is I have a very slim window now (it is May tomorrow already!). So. So many things to consider.

I have not actually had a period yet. After I had that 12 hour bleed thing as soon as I night weaned, I plugged it into my fertility app as a period so I could keep track, and exactly when the calendar said I should ovulate I had a lot of mittelschmerz cramping which I had before both of my successful IUIs. But no CM so I wondered if I had just imagined it. And then no period after when one should have showed. But now I'm back to ovulation time and here's the CM.

So. Do I go into the clinic and request an ultrasound to see what's going on in there? If things look promising, do I just go for it, right now? Ahhhhh!

Or do I wait two weeks and see if an actual period shows and plan to try in another month?

Unless there's a medical reason, I see no reason to wait - later, for me, is not better. If I go now I would be past the worst of the sickness by the time my event rolls around in four months. If I wait I'll have to endure my event horribly ill (unless I find a remedy which I would make a huge effort to do this time!). What if I wait and I still get no period and have to go through all this again next month, and I threw this month down the toilet for no good reason? Ugh!

But this is making so many assumptions. Assuming I'm actually ovulating and not just "trying" to like last time. Assuming my lining is in place (with no period, who the hell knows?). Assuming I get the timing right. Assuming this first little eggie is even viable. Assuming my body is even up to another pregnancy and won't just freak out and get rid of it like the first one.

But I'd much prefer conceiving with a 40 year old egg than a 41 year old one. I'd much sooner march right into another pregnancy when I'm already in baby mode. Especially now with B more or less off the boob, napping, and sleeping through the night. Especially now having given up most of the things I thought I could hang on to - sleep, travel, visiting family frequently, dancing regularly, disposable income. So. What do I do?

Calling the clinic tomorrow would make all of this real - it's so easy to get caught up in the fantasies of pictures of your two adorable children on your next Christmas card and forget how utterly unpleasant bringing children into the world actually is - for me, the bone-crushing nausea, the endless poking and prodding by medical professionals, the anxiety, the physical discomfort, the horrendous labor. I will never say it wasn't horrible a lot of the time because I know it was. I haven't forgotten, believe me. I just strangely feel I could hack it one more time, one last time, to bring another soul into this family. Oh boy.

One of my favorite swing tunes is Cab Calloway's "Don't Falter at the Alter." It talks about stepping up to get married and not letting your fears get the best of you; the final line is "your poppa didn't falter, son, that's why you're here." Now that EWCM has shown up...and this has all become real, will I falter...?