Continued on with the "sleep training" last night. It went about the same - serious crying jag from 4:00-4:40 in the morning; a couple more throughout, but still woke to a happy, smiling baby at 9 AM who had only eaten once in the night yet didn't seem particularly hungry. If this is how it continues for a while, I'm cool with it. I'd be up all those times anyway, I'd just have sorer nipples, and this way at least there's hope that the sleep will improve soon.
This is so much better than just leaving him alone in his crib to scream while I'm in another part of the house. Now when he screams I am right there patting his back and kissing his head. When I feel guilty I can say to myself, "he knows you're right here, he knows he's safe, he's just used to soothing himself back to sleep with a nipple so now he has to learn a new method." There is a big part of me that feels like I fucked up - that I should have had him in a crib CIO ages ago, that he could have been sleeping straight through months ago and I could be so much better rested. And I wouldn't have to be playing catch-up now. But I did try before, twice, and it just didn't feel right. Now it feels right, because I know he's darned well old enough to be sleeping better than he is. I really just needed that evidence I got on New Year's that he sleeps better without me. I just didn't have the confidence to follow through before, but I do now. Also the method feels kinder to me.
One of the things I'm learning is it's ok to admit as a parent that you make mistakes. Because with your first baby you're always doing things for the first time. There are plenty of times I've tried taking him somewhere, keeping him out, tried a certain set up or food and had it just be a big mess. So many times in the last nine months I've said out loud, "ok, that was a bad idea."
So we'll see how this thing goes. As noted there's no harm in it - it doesn't change how badly I'm already sleeping, and B seems content (except when he's screaming his head off of course). If nothing changes in a couple of weeks I may need to step it up, but I'll keep on like this and see if anything gets better, if he sleeps longer without waking.
I missed out on the comedy show tickets for tomorrow night so I am treating myself to a movie and shopping during the day instead, using the Baby Kennel as sitter. And since it's during the day I'm going to try an experiment - instead of a bottle I'm going to send a squeezy bag of food. If I could be free from pumping for sitters it would be AMAZING. Can you tell I'm kind of over breastfeeding? Any old time it's time to stop, I'm ready. I really am.
Yesterday I broke down and bought a smaller size of jeans since all of my pants hang off me and I look like I'm dragging around a soggy diaper. I am convinced all of the weight will come flying back on once I cut back on breastfeeding, but until that happens I need some pants that fit, dammit. It's not even that I'm so skinny, it's that the pregnancy took away my usually rotund butt. I am flat as a pancake there now, which has never been the case, even when I was ten pounds thinner than I am now. Apparently this is a thing that happens, hence the ill-fitting pants. So I at least have one pair of jeans I can wear until things shift around again. I got cocky enough to try on a pair of bright orange super skinny jeans. On the theme of this blog post, I thought as I looked in the mirror, "ok, that was a bad idea."
This is so much better than just leaving him alone in his crib to scream while I'm in another part of the house. Now when he screams I am right there patting his back and kissing his head. When I feel guilty I can say to myself, "he knows you're right here, he knows he's safe, he's just used to soothing himself back to sleep with a nipple so now he has to learn a new method." There is a big part of me that feels like I fucked up - that I should have had him in a crib CIO ages ago, that he could have been sleeping straight through months ago and I could be so much better rested. And I wouldn't have to be playing catch-up now. But I did try before, twice, and it just didn't feel right. Now it feels right, because I know he's darned well old enough to be sleeping better than he is. I really just needed that evidence I got on New Year's that he sleeps better without me. I just didn't have the confidence to follow through before, but I do now. Also the method feels kinder to me.
One of the things I'm learning is it's ok to admit as a parent that you make mistakes. Because with your first baby you're always doing things for the first time. There are plenty of times I've tried taking him somewhere, keeping him out, tried a certain set up or food and had it just be a big mess. So many times in the last nine months I've said out loud, "ok, that was a bad idea."
So we'll see how this thing goes. As noted there's no harm in it - it doesn't change how badly I'm already sleeping, and B seems content (except when he's screaming his head off of course). If nothing changes in a couple of weeks I may need to step it up, but I'll keep on like this and see if anything gets better, if he sleeps longer without waking.
I missed out on the comedy show tickets for tomorrow night so I am treating myself to a movie and shopping during the day instead, using the Baby Kennel as sitter. And since it's during the day I'm going to try an experiment - instead of a bottle I'm going to send a squeezy bag of food. If I could be free from pumping for sitters it would be AMAZING. Can you tell I'm kind of over breastfeeding? Any old time it's time to stop, I'm ready. I really am.
Yesterday I broke down and bought a smaller size of jeans since all of my pants hang off me and I look like I'm dragging around a soggy diaper. I am convinced all of the weight will come flying back on once I cut back on breastfeeding, but until that happens I need some pants that fit, dammit. It's not even that I'm so skinny, it's that the pregnancy took away my usually rotund butt. I am flat as a pancake there now, which has never been the case, even when I was ten pounds thinner than I am now. Apparently this is a thing that happens, hence the ill-fitting pants. So I at least have one pair of jeans I can wear until things shift around again. I got cocky enough to try on a pair of bright orange super skinny jeans. On the theme of this blog post, I thought as I looked in the mirror, "ok, that was a bad idea."
Well, I obviously have no experience, but what you're doing with B's 'sleep training' sounds perfect to me. He's got you right there, comforting him, and it sounds as though he's not going hungry, so he just needs the time to adjust. I can imagine doing exactly what you're doing in the future!
ReplyDelete"One of the things I'm learning is it's ok to admit as a parent that you make mistakes" Amen, sister! Once I learned that, I could be way easier on myself & not feel like a completel failure ALL the time.
ReplyDeleteoh man! i thought you were going to show us a pic of you in the super skinny orange jeans!
ReplyDeleteI SO wish pregnancy had taken away my rotund butt! Congrats on that one! Good luck with the sleep training. It sounds like it's going ok so far, and I bet you'll be SO much better for it, once it's done.
ReplyDelete