This is a hard post to write because it's kind of embarrassing (I can talk freely about cervical fluids but not this, apparently). But I would like to out myself as one of those weirdos who can't say "I love you." And I mean not just in a relationship - to anyone, even my own son.
Like all my bad habits, I blame this on my mother. "I love you" was never said in our house, not ever, and physical contact was kept to a bare minimum. Only later in life did my sister and I hug our mother as a greeting; I remember almost no hugs or kisses as a child (I'm not saying they never happened, I just don't remember any). I know we're not alone in this - there are many New England WASP-y types who grew up in emotionally stunted, non-demonstrative families. I remember an Intervention episode some years ago where a young addict was desperate to have her mother say "I love you" and the mother just couldn't say the words, even during the intervention, even with everyone in the room yelling at her "just say it!!!" This is how deep this stuff goes.
I so don't want Bumpus to have to guess if I love him or not. You do have to say these things out loud - kids need to hear it; you can't assume they understand that if you cook for them or save up to buy them something cool or sacrifice something you want for them that they understand you do these things because you love them. No. Kids need to hear it. Early and often. And yet.
I have lately been making a point to look B in the eye and say "I love you, Bumpus." And there are times it catches in my throat like the scene in Cheers where Diane demands Sam tell her he loves her, and he chokes on the word, "Diane, I...luh luh luh luh luh....". It's kind of like that. But I've decided this is just something that's going to take practice, like telling him the story of how he came to be. So I'm determined to overcome probably hundreds of years of uptight weirdness in our family and make this happen. We are going to be the kind of family that hugs and says I love you, dammit. I'm going to do it, even if right now saying the word makes me feel like a hole is going to form in the ground and swallow me up. This, too, shall pass.
Just further proof that if you want something done right in this world, you have to do it yourself. Another anxiety-addled blog about the pursuit of single motherhood. Join me, won't you?
I'm so glad you know how important it is and are working to overcome your discomfort. That is very strong of you.
ReplyDeleteForgive the cliche - but here it is: BE the change
ReplyDeleteI grew up knowing I was loved but we didn't say it all the time.
As W's mom I just blurt out I LOVE YOU alllll the time. Every time I feel it I say it.
The wonderful thing is hearing W express love.
My family doesn't share emotions, so I have concerns over how to teach my son the value in talking about feelings. I sort of see parenting as an opportunity to repair some of our parents screw ups. Glad to hear you admit the problem, it is the first step! :)
ReplyDeleteI think awareness goes a long way & you just identifying & admitting you have trouble with I love you is the hardest part. Do you read to B or plan to? If so there are some great books solely about how much you love them. Maybe reading it out loud will make it easier to get use to. "Guess How Much I Love You" is one of my fav books to read to Elena.
ReplyDeleteMy family is extremely good about hugging (although I am not one for enjoying hugging much) and saying "I love you." This stems largely from my dad losing his dad at 12 years old and never having gotten to have those experiences. He vowed to be different. Good for you for recognizing and acting on something you want to change. And by the time he will be able to remember you saying it, it won't be so hard anymore. :)
ReplyDeleteRealizing it's an issue is the first step, so you're already on your way to fixing this "problem". I'm sure with a little practice, it'll just get easier and easier until you don't even realize you're saying it when you do. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful goal! I grew up in a family that was very demonstrative but my husband did not. Like total opposite family dynamics. It was very hard for him to say. He could've written this post. But after many talks....errr...fights he made the effort just to say it to me. I think it helped because now he is able to show way more affection towards our daughter. Admittedly I think he is still uncomfortable with it because I often hear it when he thinks I'm not around. I love to eavesdrop on those moments knowing how it makes our daughter feel warm and special. Keep up the practice. Totally worth it!
ReplyDeleteI love that you're able to admit it and work on it. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for attempting to make that change. I was one of those people that had a hard time expressing any sort of feeling and never said "I love you". I wanted to be different with Annelise. I was really nervous because while I was pregnant I had a really hard time "talking" to the baby. I could rub my belly affectionately but I could express affection. I started by reading to her especially stories that expressed how I felt. Somehow vocalizing someone else's words made it easier. After she was born I made sure that every time I laid her down to sleep I would say "Mama loves you" no matter how awkward it felt. The funny thing is I had no problem telling other people that I loved her and I could write about it, it was only that face to face expression that was hard. It eventually got easier and now she probably hears it 100 times a day.
ReplyDeleteThere's a book called the 5 Love Languages. It's written with a religious bent but it does have a lot of good information about how we each express love differently and the importance of learning the other person's love language.
I also come from a non-love-you family. I only remember hearing it from my mom as a guilt trip during fights, "All I ever did was love you!" (sobbing)
ReplyDeleteMy SIL is the opposite and I think we all learned from my niece a few years ago. As a toddler, she'd say, I love you grandpa. I love you Tia. I love you mommy. And she'd go around the room telling us all
Naturally we all responded.
oh! I want to try this with my daughter! how could you resist?!
DeleteI'm in kind of similar situation. I grew up in an "i love you" family, with hugs and kisses and all that. My husband did not. My husband's reluctance to say I love you has rubbed off on me, and now I find it hard to say it. I'm trying so hard to tell my little baby that I love her. but it feels so awkward! so intentional! but i'm determined to make sure she knows she is loved every day.
ReplyDeleteI had to make a concerted effort to get in the habit of saying "I Love You" when my son was young (he is 4.5 years now). It felt to me like it was vulnerable in the same way that saying it first in a new relationship is - speaking this enormous truth to someone and being uncertain of the response - especially when he could not yet talk.
ReplyDeleteOur house has some ritualized Love'yas but he and I share the spontaneous ones as well (his dad ... not so much). It gets easier once there is some recognition that those words are special. Be gentle with yourself.
I came from the same type of household. Probably worse. I have three now, and I don't think about it, I just say it. Over and over. It becomes much more normal when you just do it without thinking. I practiced on my husband, and just kept on saying it. Good luck, and I totally appreciate the struggle.
ReplyDeleteI am not yet a parent, but I got tears in my eyes reading this. Maybe it was because of your bravery...maybe it was because you are trying and daring SO GREATLY. It can be so hard to admit where we fall short. It's hard for me. And I am told that children amplify every area in which we feel this way.
ReplyDeleteKeep saying it. Make a mantra. You can do it!
Bumpus is lucky because he has a parent who is willing to look at the tough things...and that is a gift!
Me too. I had to start off by saying to my kids,'Mommy loves you.' Like that wasn't me, (rolls eyes) and then I slowly changed it to I love you. My oldest is eighteen now, and I'm happy to report I say it, and mean it, with ease. Good luck you can do this!
ReplyDeleteBrava to you for knowing the importance of saying "I love you" to your child... and for being willing to go out of your comfort zone to say it. Keep it up! It's as much for you as it is for him.
ReplyDeleteI don't have memories of exchanging "I love yous" in my family of origin while growing up. Somewhere along the line, as adults, we began to say it and still do. My husband and I tell our kids we love them all day long, with all the comings and goings and phone calls, etc., it is just part of our daily life and I am extremely grateful for it.