Institutionalized

"I just wanted a Pepsi!"

That's a little in joke for all you 80s hard core fans out there.

The title of this post refers to my experience with the drop in babysitting place last night. You know, it was a good experience. This is obviously a well-run place with good caregivers and systems that work (they had me fill out a form when I got there all about his eating/sleeping/diapers for the day, and left me with a full report of the same when I picked him up). I will certainly keep using it.

However, I was a wreck of nerves all night. Now I know why women flip out when they leave their babies. It wasn't because I thought anything bad would happen - I knew the odds of that were very, very slim. It was more a sick feeling of being a selfish witch - how can I so callously leave my baby with strangers? What kind of a mother am I? And for dinner and a movie? Prometheus, no less? He needs me, my warmth and cuddles and breassesses. I should never leave the house again. He should be strapped to my body at all times. His feet shouldn't touch ground until he's in kindergarten. But of course none of this is logical. I kept reminding myself that a happy mommy makes a happy baby, and mommy needs adult time sometimes. I also reminded myself that right about now is when most mommies go back to work and have to start leaving their babies all day, whereas this child gets to have me all day, every day. Still, the guilt, and irrational fear that "something" might happen to him, was intense.

I made the leap and reserved the sperm for a year. So I have put off any decision making until next June, hurrah! The irony is the donor is still listed on their web site and not as "limited", which says to me I probably didn't even need to shell out all that dough to buy the four vials nor pay any storage - I probably could have popped up a year from now and bought one vial for an IUI and had no problems. Oh well. At least this way I don't have to worry about it. He'll be there when (and if) I'm ready.