Forcing my hand

So, the day I have most dreaded is upon me. Yesterday I finally got my bill for sperm storage – and it was marked “post due” with an angry handwritten note saying I’d better settle up immediately or they’ll turn it over to collections. Apparently they sent me a bill three months ago that I never got. So that explains that! I now owe $300 for the past two quarters of storage. But now I have to decide what to do about future storage.

It will cost $450 to keep my four vials for another year. And a year is to me the amount of time I feel I need to make a definitive decision about baby #2. But wait, you ask – didn’t you already make a definitive decision about baby #2? What was all this talk about “never again” and “not for a million, billion dollars” and all that? Well, surprisingly enough I still feel that way – today. But how can I make a decision today for the tomorrow me who doesn’t exist yet? How do I know I’m not going to change my mind later, after the dust of my wretched labor experience settles and I get in the full swing of this whole parenthood thing? Is it worth $450 for me to have options, even if in a year I decide against it? Right now I’m thinking it is.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking that if someone could guarantee me I’d never have to have an early induced labor again I might consider having another baby. I mean it when I say I will NOT ever endure anything like that ever again, not for a million, billion dollars. But as a friend pointed out, if I were to develop pre-e again, I could probably opt for a scheduled c-section. Now the idea of this gives me the heebie jeebies…but I know plenty of people who have had c-sections, some by emergency and some by choice, and not one of them had anything horrendous to say about it – most said it was a snap, that even the recovery wasn’t so bad. Compare this to the hell I went through. Is it really so terrible? In and out in half an hour, no labor pains? No days of pain and starving? It could be done…couldn’t it?

Then there’s the money issue. For sure the way things stand now I couldn’t afford two kids. But I’m moving my event to Labor Day next year. There’s a very good chance this could get me more people – to the tune of $10,000 - $20,000 more a year. If I made that kind of money, I could afford two kids. Now nothing’s guaranteed in my line of work – but is anything guaranteed in anyone’s line of work? By next year I’ll have done this event for sixteen years. Do I really think it’s all going to fall apart now, after all this time? It’s not. I see only positive things ahead, actually.

So, why this urge for more children? Especially after the negativity I spouted on here recently? Shouldn’t I just keep it lean and mean? Just the two of us? Right now it’s so easy and convenient (and cheap). Why would I want to mess with it? Well, for one, because Robert is so awesome. He’s just so darned cute and such a delight. Having another one of him around sounds lovely. And two, because 90% of the time I really love this. It’s been much easier than I thought, and I’m handling it much better than I thought. The idea of doing this again, and next time having experience under my belt and not thrashing around in the dark, appeals to me.

What doesn’t appeal to me is another pregnancy – the sickness, the endless possibilities for disaster, the scary ending with all the complications and spending my life with doctors and hospitals telling me what to do. I hate, hate, hate that part, and I believe it could only be exponentially worse at 41 than 39. And the labor – we know how well that went for me. And the early part of having a newborn, which although I got through it ok and never once lost my cool, can be pretty challenging (and imagine it without having a healthy normal kid). So why the heck not write the whole thing off and say screw it?

Because none of this is logical. Because it has nothing to do with how much money you have in the bank, how emotionally prepared you are, how much one or more children fit into your “lifestyle”. It just IS. For me the desire to have two children is no different than the desire for the first. And that first try was fraught with uncertainty and fear and some heartache and frustration – but look how it turned out! Would I be pushing my luck to try again, as an older woman? Yes, absolutely. But I pushed my luck the first time, too. It does sort of make you want to keep pushing your luck – as I am a gambler by nature.

Anyway, I’m not here to try to justify my desire for baby #2. If you were to ask me if I had to, would I do it right now, I would say hell to the no. But maybe in a year I won’t feel that way. By end of next summer I’ll know if my event is going to be more successful or not, I’ll know what’s happening with my fertility (at least from outside appearances), and I’ll have spoken to someone at Kaiser about their policies regarding elective c-sections (when medically indicated). I don’t think it’s a bad idea to just buy myself some time. After all, this whole thing was about not living with regrets. Will I regret having had the chance to have another baby and passing on it due to momentary fear/exhaustion/uncertainty? Probably! 

I mean, come on now, who wouldn't want another one of these?