Relationship in progress...

Last night I had my final (for now?) first coffee date. The guy was very nice and funny and smart...but had zero sex appeal (to me). I was a bit nervous going into it because I really thought he could give BO8RT a run for his money. But he only confirmed what I already knew about online dating - it's hard. You meet so many people, you message so many more, but there's always something not quite right for you or the other person. So often when someone would message me I'd look at their picture and think, "I can't have sex with that face." I'm sure many people thought that about me, too. So, that's it for the first dates. 

I deleted all of my online profiles and took the apps off my phone. BO8RT told me the night before that he had done the same, unbidden by me. This does not mean we're exclusive...yet. He is still "talking" to other people. I would say this bothers me, except that a) I had a date with someone else last night, and b) even I don't feel entirely ready to just be "all his" even though I've cut off all avenues to meet anyone else. Mostly I did that because I'm just tired of making the effort. 

He knows there will be no *ahem* until it's just us. I hope I can stick to that. We're spending another weekend together coming up. It's going to be hard not to jump his bones, girl, I'm not gonna lie.

It's been five years since I had sex. If you consider someone twisting their limp dick into a point and stuffing it in you only to give up after a couple of minutes and apologize while you stare awkwardly at the ceiling, having sex. The last time I enjoyed sex with someone? Probably about 2005. Ten years, people. Ten years. 

But this isn't about sex. This is about the very real possibility of being in a real, loving relationship with a person, something I have not experienced in easily over 20 years. Naturally I'm thrilled that there's even a possibility of this, but it's scary, too. Can I trust this person? Can I trust him around my kids? He's going to want to come into my life and change things - do I want that? I've been proud and strong and single for so long - do I want a partner? Do I want to expose my kids to possible abandonment, exactly what I was hoping to avoid for them?

Or do I just stay single and celibate forever? Guess which one I'd choose!

Saturday

So I had my Smc meeting and was delighted to hear of three more pregnancies. At this rate, nearly all of our members are either pregnant or moms; one is pregnant with #2. I had always wanted this group to be "thinker/tryer" focused, and it was for a while, but it does seem like our demographic is changing. Perhaps soon we'll have to do playgrounds rather than brunches.

Then I brushed out my hair and put on lipstick and went to see BO8RT. We were supposed to just spend a couple of hours together...but...well, let's just say I put in several calls to the baby kennel to delay my pickup time. 

We lay on a blanket in Griffith Park and groped each other. We walked around. We drove around. We got dinner. We talked about anything and everything. He played me songs on his phone. I played him songs on my phone. He kept telling me how pretty I am and how amazing I am. Umm, more please!

I'm pretty fascinated by how different dating is now than it was in my 20s and 30s. I mean, I'm dating the same people - it's the same generation of guys, just that we're all older. I don't know if I'm just choosing better people or just have lucked out or am putting out a different, sexier energy, but I'm delighted by all the sexual attention being directed at me (except for the Text Rapist. That guy can fuck right off). I mean, when I did online dating before, every guy I met treated it like a frigging job interview; even the couple of times I went on more than one date with someone they were just cold fish who didn't want to touch me. Maybe we all have lowered expectations in our middle age-? God knows, BO8RT is not some incredibly hot, good looking guy. But I find myself very drawn to him because he's just so thoughtful and open and compassionate. I told him the story of what happened with my mother and he had tears in his eyes. He really cares about people, without being a pussy. Which is a rare thing.

So now after a lovely weekend it's time to get back to reality. Diaper changes, cooking several meals a day, wiping spilled food off the floor, shuttling kids in the car, customer service for my event which looms a mere six weeks away. Yikes.

We don't have a fourth date set, but I'm not even worried about it. We text all day long, and we're both pretty smitten. It's great for once to not be made to feel insecure. Such a rare feeling.

Dates one and two

Thursday night I went on a first date with a guy who was good looking, funny, smart and charming. When I texted him earlier in the day to confirm he asked if I was his parole officer. Win. We had great conversation over a nice dinner and he said I was smart, pretty, and sexy. He will never call me again.

Then last night I had date #2 with Blown Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo. I wasn't sure if his good first impression would wear off or if in talking to him more a bunch of red flags would pop up; so often great first dates are followed by yucky second ones and then no thirds.

Oh.My.Gawd.

We had an amazing time. He held doors for me, pulled out my chair, paid for dinner and drinks, and then we feverishly made out in his car until almost 3 AM. What was just a few seconds of groping with GAM went on for about four hours with this guy. YES.

Occasionally he took his tongue out of my mouth long enough for us to have stimulating conversation about our political leanings, the problem with Reaganomics, cold fusion, communism in Asia, our love for Richard Dawkins, and to watch Carl Sagan videos on his phone. Then he'd grab my ass and we'd be off again. It was awesome.

He did tell me shortly into our date that he was still dating other people, which bummed me out slightly until I remembered that I am, too. Funny how that works, isn't it? My response was, "well, this is only our second date." What's the rush? I know he's really into me and I'm pretty confident I'll be the last one standing. No need to go there right this second.

Taking the kids to the baby kennel today so I can run my Smc group and expound on the joys of single parenthood, then running off to see him again and spend a few more hours with his hands up my skirt before I pick them up. The irony of this is not lost on me.

Impromptu beach days

Yesterday we had an impromptu beach day. My Tuesdays used to be taken by my old mommy group from when B was a baby - now whittled down to just two of us, still standing as stay at home moms after three years - but that mom has a producer job until October and will probably move back east with her husband when the job ends. I'm not really processing the reality that one of my closest friends and confidantes is about to leave forever. It's going to be a big shift to all of our lives. For now I've decided Tuesday will be beach day for as long as I can tolerate it.

Next time if I can not leave the sunscreen and the baby's sippy cup on top of the car, that'd be awesome. I also discovered if you bury both kids in the sand so they can't move it's really easy to feed them lunch. Theo is finally able to play and doesn't need to be wrapped up on my chest for fear of getting a face full of sand anymore; I cannot wait until he and Bobby can really play in the waves while I watch. Next summer, maybe?

I had to bring Theo to my dentist appointment today because I currently have no weekday sitters; it did not go well. Despite bringing tons of toys and books and snacks, I think the dentist with his mask and tools scared him, and he wailed inconsolably all through my cleaning. Then at home he had one of those massive post-nap meltdowns that I remember from Bobby at this age. It's not pleasant but I have to say it's easier dealing with this toddler stuff the second time around and not being pregnant. 

Bobby is moving up to the next class at school in two weeks. I've been changing him into underpants in the school parking lot. His diaper is always dry - but he just refuses to put underwear on in the morning. *sigh* Baby steps.

Much discussion with Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo about our "romantic date" Friday night. He doesn't want to tell me where we're going but I insisted on driving myself. It's funny to contemplate a future with a person and yet not feel comfortable getting into their car, having them over your house, or going to their house. Such is the nature of online dating, when this person is so anonymous to you, they could be anyone - ex-con, serial killer, date rapist, who knows? Until you get a sense of the person I say just don't ever put yourself in a position where you have no control - a car, alone in a house, etc. 

In the meantime I'm meeting a new guy tomorrow night, am chatting up another one, and three others asked me out but I'm waiting for them to contact me with a actual plan (I doubt any of them will follow through). The guy I'm meeting tomorrow will I'm sure be like most of the guys I've met - interesting, good looking, but will never call me again because he's just not that interested. That's 99% of people online. Just not that motivated to actually start a relationship. 

BO8RT is very motivated. I'm still not sure what to make of him. But it's been nice having someone be interested, especially when I'm (tentatively) interested back. We'll see what Friday night brings.

Hos Before Bros

Just got back from my birthday weekend in Palm Springs. It was just what the doctor ordered. Thank God for single girlfriends who can drop everything at the last second and take off for the weekend!

It rained all day Saturday which was a bit of a bummer, but we shopped and saw Trainwreck (meh) and had fried food for dinner and then promptly all got diarrhea. I know, I'm making it sound so awesome.

Fortunately the next day was hot and sunny so we spent all day at the pool after checking out. I so needed that! Swimming, good trashy music, and people watching. It was great and I left feeling satisfied. 

The new guy - who I think I will call Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo - texted me all weekend, strictly G rated until I sent this picture: 

But even in the face of the dreaded bikini pic he stayed respectful and just said I looked "really pretty". Thank you, Mr. Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo. We have a hot date set for Friday night. Yay.

43

I am 43 today. I have no bad or good feelings about it, other than God am I grateful I had two awesome healthy kids before my time ran out, and I am very much looking forward to my Hos Before Bros Weekend starting in 04:00 hours.

Last night I had dinner with a friend followed by a semi-spontaneous meeting of a guy who's been texting me all week. I wasn't really looking forward to it but figured what the heck?

And you know what? He was AWESOME. You would never have put together the semi-literate text ramblings with the incredibly smart, astute and compassionate person I met, not in a million years. We could have talked for hours about how religion warps the brain, our childhoods of benign neglect, relationship experiences, etc etc. He is one of the very few men I've met that I felt was as smart as me. Sad but true.

I told him about my bad experience with 3D Animator Guy and he said, "that guy is a rapist." Yes. I believe he's quite right about that. Again appalled by how close I came to something really horrible happening to me. 

I won't say much more about him until I see what happens, but we were both very excited to have met each other and plan on getting together when I get back. Will he, too, vanish into the ether? Perhaps. But boy did I need that boost after a rough few weeks! There are some kind, decent gentlemen out there. Hooray.

Price increase night

Tonight at midnight ends the early bird rate for my event. I will be sitting by the phone processing orders until midnight. It's where I make the bulk of my money for the year. But I'm not nervous about it because I'm already ahead - it's going to be a huge year; quite possibly our biggest ever in 17 years. It's rare that I'm not obsessively checking my attendance against last year's or my bank account against last year's. I just know we're going to do great - in fact, the expanding attendance has brought specific new problems, mostly in regards to the contests that are getting way too big and taking too much time. If things continue to go in this direction I'm going to need to make some decisions. Sometimes bigger is not better. But more money, right at the time when I'm going to have two kids in preschool? I'll take that.

I've been so effortlessly confident in my event this year; I wish I could be that way about my (non-existent) love life. I had a very uncomfortable and unpleasant phone conversation with some guy last night; fortunately we both realized it wasn't working and didn't try to meet. I find myself in yet two more endless text conversations; one with a guy who just checks in with me every day but doesn't want to meet yet though I've asked (huh?), another with a guy with Tourette's who smokes and had a really messed up childhood. Don't they just sound like dreamboats???

I'm beginning to think that all I've done by putting myself online as available to date is expose myself to all the losers, perverts, and mentally unstable men out there. Which was precisely why I avoided the online route for so many years - you don't meet nice guys; you meet guys with tons of emotional problems. GAM was starting to look so good after all these frightening experiences I had a weak moment and wanted to text him yesterday - but a friend offered me to text her instead if I ever got that urge, and she talked me off the cliff. I'm 100% sure he would either not answer or angrily tell me to fuck off. So, better to be saved that humiliation. I've humiliated myself enough lately.

I can't tell you how glad I am that I made the decision to just have my kids. I can't imagine the misery I'd feel if I was here, two days away from my 43rd birthday, still no children, still hoping against hope that I'd meet someone in time to have a baby. At least that issue is now off the table. I'm still pretty upset and angry about how horribly everything has gone the last couple of months, but at least the kids are here and in the flesh. If nothing else I'm glad I made that practical decision and didn't let unrealistic hope rule.