Relationship in progress...

Last night I had my final (for now?) first coffee date. The guy was very nice and funny and smart...but had zero sex appeal (to me). I was a bit nervous going into it because I really thought he could give BO8RT a run for his money. But he only confirmed what I already knew about online dating - it's hard. You meet so many people, you message so many more, but there's always something not quite right for you or the other person. So often when someone would message me I'd look at their picture and think, "I can't have sex with that face." I'm sure many people thought that about me, too. So, that's it for the first dates. 

I deleted all of my online profiles and took the apps off my phone. BO8RT told me the night before that he had done the same, unbidden by me. This does not mean we're exclusive...yet. He is still "talking" to other people. I would say this bothers me, except that a) I had a date with someone else last night, and b) even I don't feel entirely ready to just be "all his" even though I've cut off all avenues to meet anyone else. Mostly I did that because I'm just tired of making the effort. 

He knows there will be no *ahem* until it's just us. I hope I can stick to that. We're spending another weekend together coming up. It's going to be hard not to jump his bones, girl, I'm not gonna lie.

It's been five years since I had sex. If you consider someone twisting their limp dick into a point and stuffing it in you only to give up after a couple of minutes and apologize while you stare awkwardly at the ceiling, having sex. The last time I enjoyed sex with someone? Probably about 2005. Ten years, people. Ten years. 

But this isn't about sex. This is about the very real possibility of being in a real, loving relationship with a person, something I have not experienced in easily over 20 years. Naturally I'm thrilled that there's even a possibility of this, but it's scary, too. Can I trust this person? Can I trust him around my kids? He's going to want to come into my life and change things - do I want that? I've been proud and strong and single for so long - do I want a partner? Do I want to expose my kids to possible abandonment, exactly what I was hoping to avoid for them?

Or do I just stay single and celibate forever? Guess which one I'd choose!