Mind F*ck

Something happened this week. I didn't post about it until now because I had no idea what the end would be, and I was so confused and disturbed by it all that I just didn't want to mention it until I had some minor bit of clarity. 

I still don't know if posting about it is even the right thing as I'm not proud of some of my actions. But as always I think it's important to share some of our worst moments so we can all learn something from it, especially me. So, here goes.

Shortly after uploading my last post about feeling Unhinged and how nobody was following through with me...3D Animator Guy texted me. And texted me. And texted me. And texted me. We had pretty much a non-stop text marathon from Monday-Friday, day and night. He was in Nashville at a conference Wednesday through Friday so we couldn't get together but had tentative plans to meet tonight.

His texts had always been flirty in nature, which I liked, but they quickly took a darker tone. Wanting pictures, wanting to talk pretty dirty. I would tell him he was going too far and he'd back down...but always petulantly, and sometimes punitively - saying things like I need to "let go" and "get over it" when I told him I'd had bad experiences with this kind of thing in the past. I didn't like the way those comments made me feel. AT ALL.

So why on earth did I continue talking to this person? Why???

I wrote a lot in my private journal just trying to decipher why on earth I was putting up with something that felt so wrong - yet ironically would have been perfectly ok and even fun if we had met and were doing the things in real life that he wanted to talk about. 

My whole goal last week was to try to skate by, doing this delicate dance of doing just enough of what he wanted to keep him interested but not compromising myself (no naked pictures, no graphic sex talk), just make it to Saturday so I could see what was what. Just make it to an actual face to face meeting. That was my mantra all week. Just make it to Saturday.

But the tone just got darker and weirder. Unlike our previous interactions where it was always me "checking in" and him not answering for ages and then kind of blowing me off, now all of a sudden he was up my ass constantly and when I didn't answer right away he'd (virtually) pout and call me "stranger". And I'd find myself making excuses as to why I didn't write - "I thought you were working, didn't want to bug you," etc. 

Based on my recent regrettable experience with GAM, I had the unpleasant realization today, "oh my God, this guy is ME!!!"

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

So anyway, every day was a struggle to balance my busy life with the kids and my work piling up with trying to keep this man's considerable lusts at bay. And just hope, hope, hope that somehow everything would be ok, that we would finally meet and things would be ok and all of that text weirdness that made me so uncomfortable would just be a thing of the past. 

He said he was crazy about me. He asked if I knew what I did to him, what I made him do. He told me what he wanted to do to me until I told him he was going too far. He told me I was hot, beautiful, gorgeous. That I turn him on. 

But every time I tried to have a real conversation, ask him a real question about himself, he'd get mad and tell me I was changing the subject or avoiding. I tried to laugh it off but by Thursday night it started to get ugly - I told him I felt criticized. Then I asked if we could please talk on the phone, that I hated texting. So we finally did.

And surprise surprise, normal, respectful guy on the phone. He said he hated texting too and much preferred real human contact. We talked about normal things - jobs, families, homes - until it got to be too late. I felt better, a little. I've been down this road before with men and their urges over technology - maybe he's just bored on a business trip in a hotel room and wanted to get some jollies. Can't blame a guy for trying, right?

So yesterday he flies home. I text him when he lands at 9PM welcome back. No response. The next morning (today) I text him good morning. No response. I spend an agonizing day with the kids not knowing if we actually have a date tonight or not. I am so full of adrenaline and anxiety I have to frequently do breathing exercises just to keep it together. 

Around 2:30 before I have to leave the house to go get my hair done, I call him, and he answers. He says, "hello? Hello??" and hangs up. I call back - voicemail. I call two more times - voicemail. I text him if he has a plan for the night, then ask him outright if he wants to meet at a specific place at 8. No response. 

I get in the car to drive to my appointment shaking my head in disbelief. As I had feared, and as he had reassured me against several times - this guy never had any intention of meeting me. He just wanted to lure some woman into endless sex talk and sending naked pictures (neither of which I did). I was floored.

Then he texts me. Kid emergency he says, fell off his bike. I ask if everything's ok, then if he thinks he'll be able to get together tonight. He says he's "assessing the situation now". I tell him to just let me know in time because I have a babysitter waiting. He says ok.

It is now 10:30 PM and I have not heard a word.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THINGS LIKE THIS???

Why text me at all? Why not just disappear? And why not just tell me then "kid fell off his bike, not going to make it, sorry" instead of leaving me frantically checking my phone for the next six hours? Is it a power thing? A control thing? An I hate women so I'm going to screw them all over thing?

Or is it a legitimate family emergency and all of this bizarre behavior has a perfectly logical explanation?

This person is not just some bottom feeder creep - he's a real guy with an amazing career who is all over the web and YouTube being interviewed about his creative process; our mutual friend said he was great; he obviously is very well-liked and esteemed in his field, and he's really, really cute. I totally would have banged him, given the chance. Contrast that with the person who would pout when I wouldn't answer him right away and who kept trying to coerce raunchy selfies out of me and it just goes to show the dark corners that lurk in people's lives - especially men's sexual lives. I look at my sons and shudder to think that they, too, may behave like this some day, despite my best efforts.

So here I am in bed alone on a Saturday night and I just feel utterly drained, exhausted, disappointed, and disturbed. 

It will be interesting to see if I ever hear from him again - I certainly will never contact him again. But I bet I won't. In the meantime I'm just going to enjoy my family, lick my wounds and try to forget this week ever happened.