Price increase night

Tonight at midnight ends the early bird rate for my event. I will be sitting by the phone processing orders until midnight. It's where I make the bulk of my money for the year. But I'm not nervous about it because I'm already ahead - it's going to be a huge year; quite possibly our biggest ever in 17 years. It's rare that I'm not obsessively checking my attendance against last year's or my bank account against last year's. I just know we're going to do great - in fact, the expanding attendance has brought specific new problems, mostly in regards to the contests that are getting way too big and taking too much time. If things continue to go in this direction I'm going to need to make some decisions. Sometimes bigger is not better. But more money, right at the time when I'm going to have two kids in preschool? I'll take that.

I've been so effortlessly confident in my event this year; I wish I could be that way about my (non-existent) love life. I had a very uncomfortable and unpleasant phone conversation with some guy last night; fortunately we both realized it wasn't working and didn't try to meet. I find myself in yet two more endless text conversations; one with a guy who just checks in with me every day but doesn't want to meet yet though I've asked (huh?), another with a guy with Tourette's who smokes and had a really messed up childhood. Don't they just sound like dreamboats???

I'm beginning to think that all I've done by putting myself online as available to date is expose myself to all the losers, perverts, and mentally unstable men out there. Which was precisely why I avoided the online route for so many years - you don't meet nice guys; you meet guys with tons of emotional problems. GAM was starting to look so good after all these frightening experiences I had a weak moment and wanted to text him yesterday - but a friend offered me to text her instead if I ever got that urge, and she talked me off the cliff. I'm 100% sure he would either not answer or angrily tell me to fuck off. So, better to be saved that humiliation. I've humiliated myself enough lately.

I can't tell you how glad I am that I made the decision to just have my kids. I can't imagine the misery I'd feel if I was here, two days away from my 43rd birthday, still no children, still hoping against hope that I'd meet someone in time to have a baby. At least that issue is now off the table. I'm still pretty upset and angry about how horribly everything has gone the last couple of months, but at least the kids are here and in the flesh. If nothing else I'm glad I made that practical decision and didn't let unrealistic hope rule.