Final baby care class

...aaaand, go! Apparently I am now completely vetted and certified to be someone's parent...not. I wasn't thrilled with these classes, but for free I guess I shouldn't really complain. What I really need is the mechanics of this stuff - how to actually clean a baby, put on a diaper, care for cloth diapers, how often to bathe, etc. I'm sure my mom friends, and experience, will be my better teachers. There's only so much you can cover in a two hour class, really.

So, the ob visit was mostly positive (remember this isn't the high risk one coming Friday). Nobody said anything about my three pound weight gain thank goodness (maybe they don't care anymore because I only have five weeks to go), and at first my blood pressure appeared a tad high, but then the nurse had me move my arm slightly and it dropped about 15 points. I'm glad she caught that, because it is back to a normal 120/80.

They are still getting the +1 protein thing, but baby is doing fine, fluid levels fine, etc. I was supposed to go over my so-called birth plan with the midwife, but somehow this never happened. Since my birth plan is pretty much "baby alive, me alive" I don't care a whole lot. I also was told I'd do the Strep B swab today, but that didn't happen either. Huh.

She mentioned Friday's appointment and said they would just want to see if the protein is a sign of failing kidneys, pre-e, or as she put it, "just a pregnancy thing". I am hoping for option C. They had me do some blood tests, the results of which I've seen and everything looks normal except the ones that indicate a touch of anemia which nobody seems to care about. So, I guess that's all pretty good, right? Right?

I feel pretty wiped out, but I feel like that's pretty normal considering the whirlwind few days I've had. I'm glad I have a pretty empty weekend during which I can sort teeny tiny socks.

Here is a picture of my swaddling practice in class tonight (I tried to get a pic of the husband in front of me playing solitaire on his phone while his wife rubbed his back during the whole class, but I think I'll just preserve the memory for whenever I need to be reminded how glad I am I'm doing this on my own):

Hospital Tour

My sister and I went on the hospital tour today. It was pretty basic - park here, deliver here, recover here, then get the f out (it was actually put a lot nicer than that; you know my love of exaggeration for humorous purposes).

I have to say it was a little too real for me at times - it was like something in my brain said, "hey you - you're going to be here, in this room, on this bed, in a hospital gown, in just weeks. Not months, or years - weeks. Maybe even days if you're unlucky."

I was in this sea of women with bellies and STILL couldn't believe I was one of them. Kind of how I couldn't believe my lovely baby shower was really for me - I'm just so darned used to not being in the kid club, not being the one that everyone makes a fuss over - again, especially being the child of a narcissistic mother - it's still difficult to believe that yes, this is really happening, and yes, people do love you, and yes, believe it or not you actually are lovable.

Tomorrow AM I drop my sister at the airport after our very last childless visit ever (crazy), and then there's a flurry of activity on my part. Sorting and organizing all the shower gifts, more work on the nursery, thank you cards, buying leftover stuff, getting myself some decent bras, photo shoots, and oh yeah, that whole "running a business" thing.

In the meantime too I must once again face all this unpleasant medical stuff. I have my next midwife appt Weds (fingers crossed I have normal blood pressure readings and the baby is growing normally), then later that night my final infant care class, then Friday the first scary "high risk" appointment in which they will no doubt run more tests, find more problems, and try to panic me more. Hopefully by then I will be rested enough to deal with it with a clear head. Couldn't handle it right now, I'll tell you that.

A celebration of life, pt II

Today was my nearly 95-year-old old time dancer friend's memorial. It was very heart felt and the right mix of tears and laughter. I was happy to see his heartbroken widow smiling from ear to ear when some of the young guys took her out on the dance floor for a spin. I said a few words even though I hadn't planned to, and was very glad I brought my own computer to play the video presentation I'd edited because of course it wouldn't play on anything else! Being an event planner, you always have a backup plan for the backup plan.

Spent the evening washing baby clothes. The amount of clothes and blankets is a little ridiculous - it's a giant pile about four feet in diameter and nearly up to my waist. Just folded the first of three loads and have noticed there is a huge disparity in sizes - some of the 0-3 month outfits are the same size as the 9-12 month outfits, so my plan to match things by size may not work; I may organize by type instead.

My sister labored all day on the stenciling and did a fantastic job. I have zero patience for things like this.

I did break down and check my registries for leftover items; was pleased to discover very little was left except a mobile, some leak pads, and baby medical supplies. So at some point I will pick these things up, also some nursing bras, a compression garment for post-partum, and figure out some kind of bedding situation for the crib.

Tomorrow is the hospital tour, followed by a much anticipated Ethiopian lunch. Then lots more cleaning, organizing, and just general stuff to do. Head is swimming a bit. In the meantime, here's a picture of the stencil plus some more shots of yesterday's artfully crafted shower:

Baby shower!

So glad I was able to put last night's anxiety festival behind me and enjoy today's shower. It was perfectly delightful and everything I had hoped. I feel so oddly vindicated - for all the showers and weddings I've been to, I finally got to have a moment of my own. It may be my only shower ever, but I've got to say I'm ok with that.

For now I am going to bask in the good will and not check my registry to be reminded of all the things I didn't get that I actually need - although honestly I don't think there's much; other than things people still want to hand me down (swing, jumper, etc) I think I'm *mostly* covered. And I only have I think two things that were doubles to be returned, and clothes of all sizes that I'll wash and sort tomorrow. Also got a little $$ (thank you jeebus) that will help fill in the gaps.

There are lots more photos of the super cute decorations and food and people, but for now here are the shots I got on my phone - some swell gifts, and then me and the organizers, and me and my sister with some of the older ladies in my dance circles.

The night before the shower

So...I wish I could say I'm putting all the medical crap out of my mind and that I'm doing great...but I'm not. I don't mind admitting I'm kind of scared shitless, actually.

Got a flurry of calls from Kaiser today, the last being some lady in a specialists office who wanted to make an appointment for me to come in RIGHT AWAY and was very put off when I wasn't available until next Friday (in my defense they had very few appointments available) and said she would put me down as having "declined" to show up on Monday when they really wanted to see me and that she really felt that Friday was too late. In short, she totally panicked me and made me feel like something awful is about to happen. And now I'm just plain freaked.

Any googling/reading about this subject on the WTE board is not helping because they're all full of horror stories. My midwife sounded a bit more relaxed in the two messages she left me early this morning - just said they want to run more tests and that I should come in if I develop headaches, dizziness, extreme swelling, etc (in case I haven't mentioned it, the fear is I'm developing pre-eclampsia).

How do I feel? Well, I don't feel good, I can tell you that, but how much of this is actual physical problems and how much is how stressed out these doctors are making me is anyone's guess. I do have swelling in my hands and feet - but this has been going on for months. I'm tired - but I only slept about four hours last night, shouldn't I be tired? I'm getting a touch of nausea, but only because of all this medical stuff.

I wish I could dismiss this all and just relax and not take it seriously, but what if it really is pre-e and my life and the baby's life is in danger? What if I end up with some nightmare scenario where I wake up in the middle of the night really sick and have to get myself to an emergency room and have to do an emergency c-section because my blood pressure has suddenly skyrocketed? Is this my future? After all this, is this how it ends?

I do feel like even if this all turns out to be nothing, there's no getting past the fact that the next five weeks are going to suck for me. It's just going to be this and more - more appointments, more invasive testing, more people calling me up all day and freaking me out.

Aaaand somehow tomorrow I have to get dressed up, put a happy face on, and get into "event mode" in which I have to hug people and thank people and be positive all day when what I really feel like doing is lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. Oh Lord I hope I can pull it together.

A friend e-mailed me that the last month is "such a special time". Well, not for me, not with all this going on. I felt like crying when I read that. I just wish one of these medical people would hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be ok, because that's what I want to hear. I want to hear that me, and my son, are going to be ok.

Acceptance

Got the results of the 24 hour test - again, abnormal. Kaiser wants the number to be under 150 and mine was 615. How bad is that? Well, Dr. Google says different things, but apparently my "case" is considered "mild" (the numbers can be in the thousands). So now I guess I just wait for the phone call, or my appointment Weds, whichever comes first.

I also had another in a series of freak outs about money yesterday. My credit card is over my budget for the month thanks to my car window being smashed, my cash allowance is gone thanks to the GD food I've had to buy every few days, and I started racking up the other upcoming expenses in my mind that will be due before any real money starts coming in - taxes (I always owe - and a lot), hospital bill (hopefully I won't be billed for at least six weeks after he's born!), any baby stuff I don't get at the shower (remains to be seen). Thinking about all this put me into a real panic. But you know what? This all, the money, the abnormal tests, falls under the category of "nothing I can do about that." If I can't let myself go into a little debt right now because I'm a month shy of having a baby, then I don't know when is a good time! These are extraordinary circumstances, and I need to just remember that. It will all get paid eventually, just not right now. And so what?

My sister comes into town tonight and I refuse to let this very special weekend full of love and fun be ruined by anxiety about credit card bills and urine samples. I accept what's going on but I let it go. Now let's get this mommy her shower!

Can't I just be pregnant in peace?

All the testing/worries about testing are getting me down.  I did my 24 hour urine collection yesterday – I drop it off today, then next Weds we go over the results.  I saw with dismay that some people on the WTE app have had to do it multiple times.  Next Weds I’ll still only be 35 weeks – more than a month to go.  Which doesn’t sound like much, and is certainly getting farther out of the danger zone as far as his health.  But five weeks (or more) is a long time if there’s something wrong with me.  Again I don’t seem to fit the profile for pre-eclampsia; but it’s another maddening late pregnancy illness that can come out of nowhere, for no reason, and can have no symptoms.  So as far as I know I could have gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia.  Right now there’s no way to know.  I guess I should have expected this – a return of the first trimester worries/health issues.  I have had small bouts of nausea lately; I regurgitate a lot, and of course the heartburn.  My abdomen hurts a lot (not cramping or contracting – just stretchy feelings and aches), and I find now when I lie down on my back I feel like I can’t breathe. 

I realized today why the health stuff is getting me so down even though it all may amount to nothing.  I think it’s that old fear of criticism thing.  Not that anyone has criticized me – but the implication is there, when every time I go to the ob now and there’s a new fucking problem that I need to be extensively tested for, that somehow I’m screwing up or being irresponsible.  And we know how well I react to being told I’m slacking or doing a bad job when in fact I’m busting my ass to do a great job and would love nothing more than to ignore all this and eat what I want.  I just feel like the remaining ob visits are going to be nothing but this – why did I gain 1.5 pounds and not 1.1 pounds, how are my GD numbers, we need to do more urine cultures/blood tests because there’s some tiny thing wrong and we don’t know what’s causing it.  I just find it all exhausting and worrying.  Can’t I just be pregnant in peace?  Can’t I just sit at home quietly until I go into labor?  Can’t I just be left alone?

I've heard people talk about the third trimester being similar to the first in that you start to not feel so hot again and things start popping up to worry you.  This is definitely happening now - all these weird, random things cropping up with no warning.  Luckily the midwife I've been seeing doesn't seem too concerned about any of these things; again, if they were super-important I'm sure I'd have people calling to make me appointments right away rather than letting me wait two weeks.  This is the kind of stuff I'd take much more in stride if this were my second kid. I was thinking the other day that had I taken that glucose test and walked around the block in the hour in between drinking the drink and then taking the blood test, I would have passed. Which is probably why I passed at eight weeks, because I went out and walked around.  And I probably have protein spilling into my urine because I'm eating tons more protein than normal now because of the stupid GD!  Boy am I going to laugh if I end up having this baby and everything is great and I have no issues after all this...which is, honestly, kind of how I predict it going.  

So tonight I drop off my lovely urine jug and then take a blanket and stuffed animal across the street to the breast feeding class.  I expect it to be a lot more fun and informative than the laboring classes (I mean, I did learn a few things in the birth classes, but in the end I think it just happens the way it happens and you have to go with the flow).  And to me every day that passes, every class or appointment I make and follow through with, says to me that I'm doing my job, I'm showing up, I'm being a responsible parent.  Sigh.  Sure wish I felt like one.