Bordeaux

I’m currently in between European trips and have over-volunteered myself for Halloween-related activities because apparently I’m a masochist. I’m determined to be more active in the boys’ school - I’m going to help set up a booth at the Halloween carnival tomorrow, and am bringing a big bag of supplies.

I got back from Bordeaux Monday - it was a real nail biter; I returned Monday afternoon but the BF left for a business trip (first time ever) Sunday morning. Thankfully our intrepid babysitter just happened to be available to fill in the gap; but I had to be on time to pick them up from school Monday. Had there been any delays we would have been screwed. But I got home, lay down for an hour and then went to get them. It all worked out.

Bordeaux was great - I haven’t been to France since I went to Paris in 2005 to chase a Craig’s List relationship. I really, really like it there. It’s so damned civilized. I love how everyone greets each other (“bonjour madame!”), I love how you’re allowed to linger in restaurants, I love how old and pretty everything is. The best thing, though, was as the sole French speaker in our band of seven, I was made the group interpreter, and it was very empowering. At one point I managed to hold a conversation with the organizer’s stepdad who didn’t speak a word of English; I love languages! 

I won’t be so lucky next week in Budapest! Thankfully our American pianist has deep roots in Hungary and speaks the language. Not that everyone didn’t speak English last time we were there, anyway. 

Here are some France highlights:

Pumpkin patch!

Had a fun day with the donor sibs at the pumpkin patch today - came home and made jack o’lanterns and roasted pumpkin seeds. I’m going to try not to eat them all tonight!

Spoke too soon

Well, Theo started peeing the bed again. Sigh. So I put him back on the alarm...which he didn’t seem to need, since as soon as the alarm was on he stopped peeing the bed. At least I think so - today I found pee soaked underwear and PJ pants shoved in his drawer. Double sigh.

The few nights I had Bobby on the alarm were pretty disastrous. He peed 4-5 times a night, with me getting up to help him change each time, leaving me exhausted and cranky the next day all week. When Theo needed the alarm back it was kind of a relief - B is back in pull-ups for the time being; I am not optimistic that the alarm will be successful for him. He has a similar attitude about this that he did with the constant pants pooping - that it doesn’t really matter because he can hide it, that I’ll just clean it up anyway (even when I had him cleaning his own poopy underwear). Is it a defense mechanism? Is he afraid of failure? Do I just have to wait until he decides to do it, like he did with the pooping? Am I raising a rebel type child like I was (am)? Can nobody be the boss of him? 

In the meantime, I am leaning in and trying to be present for this holiday season - the house is decorated for Halloween, I’m plotting a Thanksgiving menu, trip to Florida to visit my sister over winter break is booked, I’m volunteering at the kids’ school Halloween carnival and making monster Rice Krispie treats for Theo’s class bake sale. I’m trying to make your childhood fucking magical, dammit! (J/k)

This weekend I had a rare creative parenting moment by dragging the kids out into our neighborhood for a geocaching session that was largely successful - we found three out of four. We also touched a lot of garbage and got minor heat stroke. But hey, we had lunch, learned about our area, used our brains, and spent time together. Win, win. 

Pee

So, I think a small miracle has happened in our household. After spending much of the summer with Theo not in pull-ups at night, and consequent peeing the bed every single night (don’t even ask how much frigging laundry this was for me, ugh!) I invested $30 in a “pee alarm” from amazon and decided to do a “four day challenge” - if Theo could stay dry four out of five nights, I’d give him $5. 

The first three nights he peed the bed every night, once three times in one night. Mind you this is with the normal restricting water before bedtime/peeing before bed/etc. In fact the first night the alarm didn’t even wake him up but woke me up in another room. I had read in the reviews that it could take up to six months to work, so I was ready for the long haul. Although I have to admit being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night was an unpleasant reminder of baby/toddler years - a phenomenon I have zero interest in ever returning to. 

Then, Sunday night, he stayed dry. Also Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. In fact last night we didn’t even bother attaching the alarm. He doesn’t wake up to pee in the night - he’s just suddenly become capable of holding it while sleeping. Is it an anomaly? Maybe. I won’t feel secure in this until it’s been a couple of weeks at least. But for now? I do believe we have one child finally out of pull-ups!

What does it all mean? How does it work? I don’t know for sure, but I think the sheer annoyance of the alarm kicks kids’ sleeping brains into deciding that letting the pee out is a bad thing. Aversion therapy? Maybe! Whatever, it works!

Bobby is next, and I can tell he’s scared of failing. He may have a totally different experience. He has those constipation issues, and he’s had two more years of habitually peeing into pull-ups all night and not having to get up. I’m not going to hold my breath that the alarm will even work for him. But like all things - getting pregnant, breastfeeding - you have to at least try.

Speaking of constipation issues, since Bobby figured out to squat on the toilet seat back in July he has had zero poop accidents. I don’t even have to make him poop before school anymore, which makes our mornings much easier. Is it possible that after nearly eight years my parenting life will no longer be completely dominated by poop and pee? Can it be true??

In other news, I finally bit the bullet and handed off my SMC meeting duties to the group to see if anyone wanted to take over. I’m actually pretty shocked that many of the women have stepped up to revitalize and improve on the group, running surveys to assess the needs of the group, etc. Maybe this is just what the group needed is some new eyes and new energy to make it better. Most of my meetings were pretty sparsely attended, so I never tried very hard. I figured there just wasn’t much need or interest. But hey, if a group of new people can do a way better job than I’d been doing, great! 

I also met with a friend and teacher at my event yesterday to pick her brain about my classes at my event. She had lots of great advice, some of which involves firing people. But I agree with all of it. Certain things I’ve been doing for several years have outworn their relevance, and new ideas need to be brought in. So now I’m in the hiring and firing phase. I’ve got some unpleasant emails to send, but it’s all going in a good direction. If I can get a few things confirmed in the next couple of weeks, I could have my entire event finalized in October. Awesome! 

Pushing boundaries

The post-event fog is lifting, a bit. In the meantime I’m trying to do those things that make me feel present and appreciative of the time I’m in - like, hey, both kids are in school! The event is over and I don’t have to do anything for a while! It’s the end of summer and the holiday trifecta is coming up! Rejoice! Those things are embarking on new knitting projects (I’m going to attempt hats for the boys - something I’ve never tried before), cooking, getting the house in order, planning ahead.

One big damper I’m dealing with is the fact that not only do I not have enough money to do the siding on the house, but much to my shock I don’t even have enough money to live on until the income comes in again. How on earth did this happen, on this the biggest turnout year I’ve had? The only thing I can think is that it’s just been a really expensive year - it was front loaded with the kitchen, and there have been lots more expenses (buying a business, travel, expensive yard work, budget for the event going up); it’s like death by a thousand paper cuts, every little thing adds up. I’m really upset and disappointed. I need to bolt the house to the foundation, and the first estimate I got is $23,000. Ouch. Everything is going to have to wait until February. Sigh. 

After weeks of nightly bedwetting, I bought a “pee alarm” for Theo. We’ve used it the past two nights. Pretty much all that happens is Theo pees and sleeps through the alarm in his pee until I go in there and turn it off. I’m skeptical this will ever work. I mean, it goes off once they’ve already peed - how is this going to teach him to get up and pee before he pees? How do you “make” a kid learn how to hold his pee while sleeping? The BF thinks it will annoy Theo enough that he’ll learn to get up and pee. We’ll see! I guess it’s better than not trying anything...right?

Bobby is in a boundary pushing phase. The other night when I told him for the thousandth time that he was wasting his own time by fooling around during violin practice, he actually said to me, “why do you always say the same stupid things to me?” I gave him the look of death, told him, “You’re not allowed to talk to me like that,” and told him I repeat myself all the time because he doesn’t listen. Then I couldn’t help but remember all the downright cruel comments I made to my mother when I was a kid, and my face burned with shame. Why do kids do these things? Why did I? Who knows? Because they’re kids. 

This weekend is a milestone for me - I’m actually going to volunteer at the kids’ school, at a yearly pancake breakfast. I’m on the cleanup crew. I also joined the PTA, although who knows when, if ever, I’ll be able to attend meetings or actually participate in anything. The next general meeting is the day I leave for Bordeaux, as is the middle school fair, which kills me. But I keep hoping for this mythical time when I’ll actually have time for things. Sigh.

School daze

Tonight I survived my first attempt at helping Bobby do new math. Barely. I’m not one of these stodgy old people who says, “this is crap! They should learn it like we learned it!” because I know math is about teaching you how to think, not just memorizing times tables. So I get it. But not having been in a math class since the 80s - and that math having been entirely different from this math - well, it’s the blind leading the blind, really. 

It’s only been a handful of nights of doing full evenings with the kids - dinner, homework, violin practice - and I have to say...it’s rough. I don’t know why this was easier last year; maybe I was more in the zone and less exhausted and out of it than I am now. But it’s quite the marathon and quite like herding cats. I wish they were more independent...but they’re not, yet. 

Theo has decided he wants out of pull-ups at night...which means he’s been peeing in the bed all night every night. I am still at a complete loss as to how to get these kids night trained. Yes, even 7 1/2 year old Bobby is still in pull-ups. Everyone I talk to about it says their kids “just decided” they were ready and magically stopped peeing at night. What do you do if your kids never decide they’re ready? Am I going to be one of those people that has teenagers still in adult diapers at night? Out of desperation I’ve bought a “pee alarm”, since it appears the problem is these kids sleep so deeply that they just don’t wake up to pee or even when they’re wet and cold. They just don’t seem to notice or mind. What do you do with that?? I’m skeptical the pee alarm will work, but I feel like it’s one thing we haven’t tried, so why not? Maybe it’ll be a magic bullet, maybe not. Maybe one day they’ll just decide they’re ready. Who knows? 

Post-con

So, event number 22 is done. 

It went well. And I picked up a lot of people at the door, which is unusual - bringing my total weekend pass buyers to about 1450, which is a record. Again I think back to the days of 700 attendees and how huge that felt...and we’re only two events away from our 25th anniversary, which I’m sure will be extra nuts.

The only issues this year were major problems with air conditioning at the hotel, and some floor slippage with the dance floor. Other than that, it was business as usual. 

This was the first year since setting up a Code of Conduct and bringing on board a Safety Team that we actually had no safety issues. The BF and I were discussing it last night and we felt that it’s #metoo that’s made the difference - everyone is hyper vigilant now, and the culture has finally caught on that trying to get young girls drunk so you can sleep with them is, in fact, not ok. The Wild West nature of these events from 10-20 years ago seems to be mostly gone, and good riddance. I believe it’s a huge part of why my numbers have steadily increased. 

My head is swimming with all the closing up work that still has to be done, but for now I’m going to get rest where I can and slowly ease back into family life. One thing I’ve been putting off for ages is handing off my job as organizer of monthly Single Mom by Choice get-togethers. It’s hard for me to give that up since I’ve been doing it since Bobby was a baby, and it’s sort of my last tie to the world of SMCs - once you’re long past the TTC, pregnancy, and new baby stuff, your mind just isn’t there anymore; and I feel a bit of a hypocrite with a live-in boyfriend for years. I don’t know the struggles of raising two boys alone since I haven’t done that in four years. All the things that would be issues now - the big kid questions, birthday parties and family tree projects - I managed to avoid just by the mere presence of a man in their life. Every month goes by and I just forget to put a group together because my brain is somewhere else (and a weekend day with no plans is a rare entity these days); it’s time to close up shop. It’s hard to let go of that piece of my identity, though, I’ll be honest.