Go towards the light...

It's 6:30 and both kids are in bed and asleep. Heck yes.

Remember that time before you had kids where you were horrified to hear mothers say they needed a "break" from their kids, or didn't understand that weird manic energy women get when they're out at night with other adults after days or weeks of being around babies and toddlers? I think I know what Friedan's "problem that has no name" is - it's the normal adult need to be around other adults. I kind of envy those people who prefer the company of children. If you know me at all you know I am not one of them. 

All of this is to say I had a great time singing with my band last night and look forward to all our other gigs this month - even the three long distance ones (San Diego, Santa Barbara). And yes, after a fun night out with friends I found today's endless slog a lot more tolerable. Even enjoyable, dare I say it.

I talked with my bandleader a bit more about travel. Our early in the year stuff may be set in stone without me - that includes DC and one in Rochester in June. But it's ok. Really, the longer I wait, the better - Theo being weaned and sleeping through the night, Bobby being potty trained - the more these things are established the better. Just being able to talk about it makes me happy. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, people. 

I've heard it said that all you need in life is something to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I don't always have all these things, but today I do. Huzzah!

Freeeeeeeeedommmm...???

So I spent all last weekend bitterly "watching" all my friends and my band playing and enjoying a fun dance event in New Orleans via Facebook. Contrary to what I had originally thought when I stopped touring with my band, the traveling offers are not in fact drying up, they are multiplying. We have used a few local singers to fill in for me. And I expected to stay off the road for years, maybe permanently. But Abby's suggestion that I find someone to keep the kids home during my next event really made me start thinking...maybe I can start leaving the kids for a weekend here and there. Maybe I need it for my sanity. And maybe it's not such a bad thing to have someone, or a couple of people, I can trust with the 24-hour care of my two kids for a couple of days. Once I'm no longer breastfeeding - which is only months away now - really, why not?

Ideally I would like my San Diego babysitter for this, but she's not always available (and my prediction is she will be pregnant again in a few months and no longer able to sit for me), so I hit up a friend's nanny who is one of these gal Friday types who's always available for long term or short term personal assisting/babysitting/whatever jobs (God bless these people). She came by yesterday to meet the kids and get the general lay of the house, since I am going to use her for an all day-into night gig in Santa Barbara next Tuesday. I was going to pass on the gig entirely - I get kind of weird and control-y about being the one to feed the kids dinner and put them to bed - but this gig pays $450 so I'd be an idiot not to do it. And besides...wouldn't it be nice to let someone else have the frustrating job known as feeding a two-year-old dinner for once? Also, I'm considering this an audition for any possible weekend gigs - including next year's event. 

I told my bandleader to consider me "in" for 2015. Our first thing is a pretty prestigious gig in DC around the time I will probably want to wean T (April). I don't know if these promoters, spoiled by two years of not having to pay for me, will be willing to have me back on board. There may not be anything for me, after all this. But the possibility of it makes me giddy. 

And then there's the kids. Leaving them for two nights doesn't thrill me - but I have to say, being as I spend all day, day and night, as their sole caretaker, I kind of don't feel that bad about it, either. There's Skype, there's FaceTime on phones. And it's two nights, not a week. I think having trips like this to look forward to every few months could really boost my general outlook on life. I would probably break even or lose money doing it, but...who cares? Free trip! Sleep all night! No poopy diapers! No negotiating food/shoes/teeth brushing! Getting to hang out with sardonic jazz musicians, wear awesome vintage outfits, and dance? Yes, please!

Here is Bobby holding one of my all-time favorite books. That's my feminist boy!

Takin' care of business

Despite having zero plans, we had a nice day today. I can't say I know why things are suddenly better for us. Is it me? Is it a hormonal thing? Is it Bobby suddenly behaving better and so I'm happier? Is Mercury no longer in retrograde? Who knows. All I know is whatever desperation and depression I felt a couple of weeks ago is gone. B still has irrational freak outs much of the time, but somehow I seem better able to handle it. Maybe it is the promise of three days "to myself" thanks to three day preschool that has in fact made a difference.

Theo is keeping me up all night. He is practicing standing, crawling, sitting, and rolling all night long, accompanied by triumphant squawking. For some time now I've been tiptoeing out to the living room couch early in the morning in order to catch a few more minutes' sleep, but now I'm considering absconding to the attic all night just to see if my presence is waking him. It's possible, but the fact that he wakes up even when a sitter is here tells me that may not be the case. Maybe once he gets past this milestone the sleep will get better...?

I sent out my "hire" email to next year's teachers (mostly this year's teachers). Not surprisingly most of them want more money. Yet another reason to raise my prices, if I didn't have enough reason already (read: my empty bank account). I am determined to not dilly dally about getting my event set up this year - last year I really blew it waiting too long to hire people. I want at least my offers out there so I can start piecing things together and getting a picture of what my eighteenth event is going to look like. 

Havin' a heat wave

We're on the tail end of yet another wicked heat wave. I went into this weekend full of dread, facing a deadly combo of triple digit temperatures and no plans. And had I written last night it would have been a very different post. But luckily we got a last minute invite to a birthday party today where we had a nice time, and it killed the whole day, so I came home feeling pretty content instead of my usual exhausted and crabby.

I am sooooo looking forward to fall. I don't know what fall is supposed to look like in Southern California anymore - we had no fall nor winter last year at all, just one impossible endless dry summer. Time was when winter meant icy nights and rain every few days. Now...I don't know. 

I just can't catch a break financially. Last night I checked my credit card balance on the assumption that I was doing a decent job keeping my expenses down, preparing to pat myself on the back...and was horrified to see that with three weeks  in my billing cycle still left, I owe over $3000! Apparently a "pending" charge from the hotel I thought I covered with my last payment was not covered. Ughhhh. So now my money will run out even sooner than expected - I should be flat broke by December. Sucks. I did find a way to borrow from myself interest-free, it will just cost me later...but I'm not worried about later. Some older male friends I told about my price increase plans told me I need to tick them up even higher, that I shouldn't just aim to make enough to just get by. They're so right. See? Think like a man.

Things have been good with me and Bobby. He repeats everything I say, imitates my gestures, thinks everything I think is funny or cool is funny and cool, treats the baby the way I treat the baby (kisses, pats on the bottom, etc). As much as I look forward every day to the day these boys are older, I also dread the day they don't think things I like are cool and that I magically know everything. I never stopped revering my mother (or at least her impeccable taste), so it's possible they won't one day think I'm a big dork. But I won't count on it.

I raised the straps on B's car seat and bingo! No more escaping. Thank god for google, huh?

A day at the Getty

Not much to report today except that I had a nice visit to the Getty museum (one of my favorite places in LA) with a couple of SMCs and their babies.  And I just had to show off these ridiculously cute pictures of Theo (ignore the bruises on his forehead from the constant bonking):

New phases and new concerns

There have been a couple of big changes in our little lives in the past few days. One is that Bobby is using the potty about once a day, usually before bed, at his request. The other is Theo is sitting up and pretty much crawling. Which means Bobby is interacting with him much more - giving him toys, talking to him, wanting to play with him. These are all really cool things that make me happy.

Today I had a really nice visit with fellow Smc Jen and her twins. Two women and four kids in public and we managed! It was the kind of day where everything went so well I had to ask myself, "huh, just a few days ago I wanted to drive off a cliff. What was that all about?" But giving respect to where I was a few days ago, yeah. Days with toddlers can be real hit or miss. Sometimes your family life looks like you always dreamed it would, and sometimes it looks how you always feared it might.

Speaking of fears, I've had a return of my odd anxiety choking disorder thing where I'm minding my business eating something and all of a sudden it's like I forget how to swallow and my throat clamps shut and I start panicking and choking. Fun times, huh? I can manage it by slowing down, relaxing, and talking myself through the mechanics of each swallow. But it is a gauge of how much anxiety is in my life, even buried. Obviously something heavy is going on with me if that's popping up again.

I am also having irrational fears. I am terrified some crazed gunman is going to barge into B's school and start shooting. I know I shouldn't even be saying this, but I know my saying it is not going to magically cause it to happen (despite what my former religion claims). I look at the one woman opening and closing the gate for the children and think, "anybody could  just shoot her and then head right in and kill everybody". And this is entirely true. But as with everything in life, you just have to weigh the odds of that happening and remind yourself that it's very, very unlikely, aka not worth worrying about. I suppose all of this started last week when I saw multiple Facebook posts about a "mentally unstable" man wearing fatigues and a grenade belt lurking around my sons' future elementary school, who has been confronted by the police, but is still making appearances. If my kids were in that school right now I'd be absolutely terrified. I'd be tempted to shoot him when nobody was looking and save the school a potential horrendous tragedy. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had that thought. So naturally I start thinking about B's preschool, which is very large and well known, and the unsavory characters that always loiter around because of the homeless outreach program right next door, and, yeah. Suddenly my throat doesn't so much feel like swallowing.

Dark and Light

I keep writing really dark posts and then deleting them, then writing bright and happy posts all about Halloween costumes and Theo's milestones and deleting them because they feel hollow. So I think it's safe to say the truth falls somewhere in between. 

Bobby and I have had some good times, and some bad. I've been able to keep my temper and try to keep things light and entertaining, and today after dropping him at school I adjusted the straps of his car seat which I sincerely hope will keep him from escaping while we drive. He was sent home from school Monday with pink eye - I've had the fun of sitting on him five times a day to administer eye drops. Thankfully it cleared up and he was able to return to school for picture day today. 

Theo is at a fun age - sitting but not crawling, so I have the pleasure of propping him up on the floor with some toys and leaving him, contented. I've started feeding him some mashed banana. He is beyond cute and squeezable and smiley. He and Bobby have been able to interact a little more, too. He aced his six month checkup - the usual stats: smallish body, light-ish weight, gigantic head. 

It seems like more and more articles about it being ok to not love the toddler age keep floating by me (or much like when something is on your mind, I just see them everywhere). My friend who is inordinately honest about this stuff told me last week that when her older boy, now nine, was this age, she felt like she was in a tunnel and couldn't see her way out; but it did get better. She actually did seek out a therapist. I will file that information in my mental file if I feel the need again.

I have been neglecting my Smc group. I let all of September slip by with no meeting. Partially it was because a few of us joined the Pasadena group for their tenth anniversary, but honestly a lot of my reluctance has been I have such a shitty attitude right now, I don't want to infect new hopefuls. 

I can't say it plainly enough. It's not the two kids. It's the TODDLER. And being a full time, stay at home mom. Those two things are killing me right now. And I have had some doubts about my general capacity to handle all this, I have. But I'm sure every parent on earth has thought this. I know I'm not alone. I just wish more people would be honest about their experiences. It makes me feel like complete crap when my Facebook feed is full of people bragging about how perfect their two-year-olds are. Either they really are blessed with amazingly easy kids, or they're all liars.