Dark and Light

I keep writing really dark posts and then deleting them, then writing bright and happy posts all about Halloween costumes and Theo's milestones and deleting them because they feel hollow. So I think it's safe to say the truth falls somewhere in between. 

Bobby and I have had some good times, and some bad. I've been able to keep my temper and try to keep things light and entertaining, and today after dropping him at school I adjusted the straps of his car seat which I sincerely hope will keep him from escaping while we drive. He was sent home from school Monday with pink eye - I've had the fun of sitting on him five times a day to administer eye drops. Thankfully it cleared up and he was able to return to school for picture day today. 

Theo is at a fun age - sitting but not crawling, so I have the pleasure of propping him up on the floor with some toys and leaving him, contented. I've started feeding him some mashed banana. He is beyond cute and squeezable and smiley. He and Bobby have been able to interact a little more, too. He aced his six month checkup - the usual stats: smallish body, light-ish weight, gigantic head. 

It seems like more and more articles about it being ok to not love the toddler age keep floating by me (or much like when something is on your mind, I just see them everywhere). My friend who is inordinately honest about this stuff told me last week that when her older boy, now nine, was this age, she felt like she was in a tunnel and couldn't see her way out; but it did get better. She actually did seek out a therapist. I will file that information in my mental file if I feel the need again.

I have been neglecting my Smc group. I let all of September slip by with no meeting. Partially it was because a few of us joined the Pasadena group for their tenth anniversary, but honestly a lot of my reluctance has been I have such a shitty attitude right now, I don't want to infect new hopefuls. 

I can't say it plainly enough. It's not the two kids. It's the TODDLER. And being a full time, stay at home mom. Those two things are killing me right now. And I have had some doubts about my general capacity to handle all this, I have. But I'm sure every parent on earth has thought this. I know I'm not alone. I just wish more people would be honest about their experiences. It makes me feel like complete crap when my Facebook feed is full of people bragging about how perfect their two-year-olds are. Either they really are blessed with amazingly easy kids, or they're all liars.