How it went down

Ok, so I thought I could go back to sleep for a little bit but that’s totally impossible, so I figured I would tell you The Story of what happened over the last 24 hours.

So the plan was to take a test this morning, 16 dpo.  Before I went to bed I took my temperature just for fun, and saw it was pretty high, as in, progesterone high, but the progesterone has been out of my system for days now.  So that got me thinking.  Then I woke up at 5:30 and said the heck with it, no point in waiting a few more hours, I’m going to do another test now.  And there it was, just the faintest whisper of a line.  It disappeared when I held the test a certain way; when I held it up to the light it looked like a shadow from the bars on the back.  But there was no escaping it – I’ve seen enough negative pregnancy tests to know when one isn’t.  There was something there.

I threw a coat on over my pyjamas, dug the sleep out of my eyes, googled all night pharmacies, and drove to one in Silverlake that was open at 5:45 AM.  I spent $50 on two Clear Blue digitals and two First Response Early Result tests, no longer caring if the clerk or other customers thought I was crazy.

Boy, that ride home!  Talk about putting into practice every yoga technique I’ve learned in the last few years.  I had to remind myself to breathe, and tell myself, no, you’re not going to throw up.  Shaking all over.  I got home and decided to try the digital kind just for the thrill of seeing the word “pregnant” with no “not” in front of it.  So, much like when I was a young girl, I sat with the test on my lap, shaking all over, barely able to keep it from falling into the toilet.  The little hour glass clicked away for about a minute.  And there it was, as I knew it would be.  “pregnant”

How can I describe the feeling?  Well, I guess there’s something about wanting something so bad, and thinking about it for so long, and then sort of suspecting it might be happening, and then confirming it.  I guess my first thought was, “well, of course.”  Then I paced the living room for a bit thinking, “what do I do now?”  Honestly, I never thought this far ahead!  I left a message with the clinic to see if they need to see me (and I’m supposed to report any and all pregnancies for their records anyway) or if I just head to an ob/gyn in a few weeks. 

Been texting and calling all interested parties ever since.  I had always dreamed of asking my girlfriends, “so, are you ready to be an auntie?” And I finally got to do it. 

How can I sum all of this up?  Well, mainly it doesn’t feel real yet, so I am still in total denial/shock.  Then there’s the secondary emotion of being afraid it will “go away” and preparing myself for that, trying to get myself used to the idea of the possibility, and comfort myself with the reality that I did this once, I can do it again.  I mean, that’s the thing.  No matter what happens next, I did achieve a pregnancy once.  So, that’s something.  I don’t know how I’d feel if that happened but I do believe eventually I’d get back on the horse and keep trying.  At least I know I had one good egg, once!

But most of all I’m just happy.  I mean, Jesus, who wouldn’t be?  I’m thrilled and awed and a little ashamed of how negative I was being even though I understand why I was being that way.  Now I can’t wait to get on to the second trimester when it’s real, it’s not going anywhere, I can tell everyone, and make some plans.  But for now I’ll do what I always try to do which is just be in this moment, honor this moment.  This is huge, unexpected, and such a blessing.  According to my WTE app my baby has now graduated from being a poppy seed to an orange seed.  Go baby!

PS - my aged chickens started laying again.  Coincidence?  I think not.

PPS - don’t ever, ever use the "Rapid Result" First Response tests.  They suck.

Guess what?

I'm pregnant.

What the A-F?

Ok, so it is now 15 dpo and still no period.  Still feeling like I’m going to get it any second – crampy, bloaty, twingy feelings.  But no tell-tale signs of pregnancy, either.  No breast tenderness.  No increased sense of smell.  No nausea, no weirdness.  I just feel like my body is trying to have a period.  But my period is two days late, and last time I got off the progesterone it started the next day.  Is it because I was on the progesterone longer this time?  Am I going to miss my period entirely for no reason (this has never happened to me in my life, but I guess there’s always a first time)?  It’s all just too weird.  Unless of course I get it in the next 24 hours.  Then it’s not so weird.  Yesterday I texted a friend, “OK, so either my house smells like garbage because I’m pregnant…or my house just smells like garbage”.  I think that pretty much sums it up.

Why the heck don’t you get a blood test, or go out and buy a proper pregnancy test, you ask?  Well, two reasons.  One, I truly believe I’m going to get my period any second so there’s no reason to spend money on those two things (those super-sensitive home tests ain’t cheap).  Two – well, I guess I’m afraid to be hopeful.  I picture myself at the drug store walking up to the counter with my pregnancy test and something about it makes me cringe with embarrassment.  Like, seriously, you thought this actually worked?  What’s the matter with you?  That’s what I think.  And then there’s the third, more complex part of all this – there’s a part of me, and not a small part, that’s enjoying the fantasy.

When I didn’t get my period yesterday as I expected, I allowed myself to start wondering if maybe I was wrong, maybe a miracle did happen and the last IUI actually worked.  And I had a much needed night at home, so I thought, F-it, I’m going to enjoy myself and indulge in a little fantasy.  So I let myself obsessively google early pregnancy symptoms and stories, I let myself count the days of my cycle, and the April cycle, over and over to see how it compares (this is the only other cycle I was on progesterone), I googled the efficiency of the “rapid result” test I’ve been using and discovered they only detect hcg at 100 ml/u, whereas most tests detect it at 25 ml/u.  Which would explain why the online pharmacy sent them to me in error (they were trying to get rid of them, because who the heck wants them?), and also explains why they didn’t detect the hcg shot in my system at 6 dpo.  It could be the fuckers are even from a bad batch and don’t work at all.  I have two left.  Oh, and I peed on one of my last opk sticks for fun, since sometimes opks can detect pregnancy, too.  It was dead negative, I mean, not even a hint of LH at all (and I usually have a HINT, although I guess that’s only when I’m on about Day 8 of my cycle, not Day 30 or whatever as I am now). 

So basically I don’t want a blood test or a more accurate home test right now because I’m enjoying the Drama of the Late Period.  Had I not been on progesterone I’d be a lot more hopeful – then for sure it would mean something, because I’m sometimes a day or two early but NEVER late.  But, I chalk this all up to the progesterone.  Most women don’t get their period for several days after stopping it.  I took the last one Monday night.  Period was due Tues.  It could arrive any day now.  Or not!

In the meantime I broke down and e-mailed the Irvine clinic about setting up a consult, asked if they use vitrification.  A very nice doctor e-mailed me back that yes, they use vitrification, and they are excited to meet me.  So when ol’ AF shows up that will be my first phone call.

Will I feel silly fantasizing when this all comes up a bust?  No, I don’t think so.  It was kind of like being an adult and riding the little kid’s ride at the amusement park.  Sure, it’s silly, but why not?  Does everything have to be so g-d serious and adult all the time?  Aren’t we allowed to day dream, to imagine?  What the heck.  I touched the hem of the mommy world for one brief, lovely moment, and I enjoyed it.  I’m glad I did.  I deserved it.

14 dpo

…and still BFN.  Stopped the progesterone last night (no more greasy underpants, hooray!) so I expect the period to show up today or tomorrow, once the progesterone is thoroughly out of my system. 

It’s so interesting how different this BFN is from the last one.  I don’t feel bad at all – although I wish it had worked out, of course, but I don’t feel sad or even that disappointed.  Perhaps I just mentally steeled myself this time after the trauma of last time; perhaps once you get one BFN you learn how to cope better; but I really think having a plan for the future is what made the difference.  I’d feel pretty crappy right now if I knew I was just going to continue with more pointless IUIs.

Of course there had to be a thread on the WTE app last night about are IUIs effective for older woman and one 40-year-old chimed in that it worked for her on the first shot!  Ha ha.  Well, I guess I’m just not that lucky (and she was probably using her husband’s live sperm, so timing wasn’t an issue). 

So the minute the period shows up I’m making an appointment with this clinic in Irvine.  You’re not out until you’re for sure OUT, so until ol’ AF flows there’s still a flicker of hope, albeit a very faint one.  But like I said I’ve been having lots of pre-menstrual feelings lately so I seriously doubt anything is awaiting me other than my usual monthly bill.

Still thinking about the wonderful luxury of taking the rest of the summer off (I get to sit in the hot tub, whee!) and spending the fall, when I have most of the free time, doing retrievals, and then the winter doing implantations.  In a way this mini-IVF process pushes women’s reproductive freedom to a whole new level – IUI seems so antiquated comparatively; you’re totally a victim of your own body’s timing (and people screw up the timing all the time), you can only do things all at once (as in, the month you go in for the IUI is the same month you’ll be pregnant, technically), and there’s zero opportunity to preserve embryos for future use.  I’m especially interested in this “vitrification” process which apparently brings the thawed embryo survival rate from the old 50% to 98%.  I need to ask the Irvine clinic if they use this.  If they don’t, I may keep shopping around.

I still want to know what happens if you get NO viable embryos from the retrieval process – does this happen to people?  How often?  And what do they do then?  Should this be expected?  Curious.  Can’t wait for my consultation.  I hope I can get in quickly.

Let it Flow

Just for the record, I don’t actually have my period.  But it is due today and it feels so much like I’m going to get it any second that I am jumping the gun and getting ready for it.  I feel crampy, bloaty, and heavy.  But this cycle could still have worked, right?  (Insert obscene hand gesture here).

After doing a ton of research and sleeping on it, I have come up with a new plan.  I am going to stop taking progesterone to delay my period, because I’m no longer interested in trying one more IUI at the end of the month.  I think it’s a waste of money.  So starting right now I’m going to go au naturel and let my body do what it needs to do.  And if I never get my period, great!  But I think it’ll show up sometime today.

I found a clinic in Orange County that specializes in mini IVF so as soon as ol’ AF shows I’m going to schedule a consultation.  They also have a free seminar in about three weeks so I may go to that as well.  I have a lot of questions.  Can I use Femara instead of Clomid during the stimulation phase?  Can we do three cycles of retrievals and then put the embryos back in a few months later when it works better with my schedule (I think this is how they do it anyway but want to double check)?  What if I end up with NO viable embryos after three cycles?  If I get more than I need can I freeze them for later, and how much does that cost?  Am I a candidate for this procedure?  This clinic offers a three cycle package for $8400.  Considering the minimal medication, there’s not much more on top of that.  Sure, that’s a huge amount of money, but it’s just under my comfort zone where I know I can scrape it up somehow, whereas conventional IVF is totally out of the question (I couldn’t beg, borrow or steal that money).

There’s a lot of confusing information online about mini IVF.  Many RE’s (including the one I saw in Glendale) poo-poo it because honestly, of course if you’re just retrieving an egg or two per cycle, you’re not going to have these fabulous success rates as when you hyperstimulate with tons of drugs and get tons of eggs.  However, practitioners of mini IVF swear that their method is all about “one good egg”, that it’s better to have fewer of better quality than more of poor quality.  I still don’t understand if they just take the “lead egg” or if they go into all the follicles around and take those immature eggs, too – I know I produce lots of follicles but (at least this last time) I only get one mature egg at the time of ovulation, which is natural because as one becomes dominant the others fall away.  Can they get those other follicles, too?  This is another question.  So, there are lots of articles citing poor success rates and how this is useless for older women – and yet the mini IVF clinics tout this for older women.  It’s all very confusing.  One thing for sure is it’s such a new practice that there’s not much reliable data on it. 

There have been a couple of game changers for me as far as moving away from IUI.  One, as I mentioned, was the Choice Mom discussion about IUI vs. IVF and every woman on there saying she wished she’d moved on from IUI earlier.  Then yesterday I found an article from an RE (tried to find it today to link it but can’t find it again) saying that IUI for women over 38 is pretty much a total waste of time, that the success rates are almost zero and you shouldn’t even bother with it.  Wow!  For me that was it – time to stop spinning my wheels.  Now I’m in the mindset of “how did I ever think this was going to work???”

I feel so RELAXED when I think of taking the summer off to get my event underway, knowing that I’ll start up mini-IVF in Sept when I’m here to be monitored, spend the fall doing retrievals, get to participate in that event over New Year’s that’s so freakin’ important, and then start trying to implant early next year.  That works brilliantly with my schedule.  And best I can see what’s going on – see how many eggs they get, how viable they are, if they create any viable embryos.  Still not sure what to do if they don’t – I really want to know how often this happens, and if there’s any kind of refund policy if you go through all that and don’t even get anything to implant.  It’s hard to predict how I’d feel at that point; but I think I can assume that, at nearly 40 at that point, I’ll come to the conclusion that it’s just plain over (unless I suddenly win the lottery and can afford conventional IVF).  Hey, maybe my eggs are just no good.  You won’t know until you pull ‘em out, shoot sperm into them, and see if they create anything.  Personally, I want to know what’s going on down there.

At the moment I’m kind of bemoaning all this wasted time – the canceled cycles, the bullshit around my lack of ovulation, the wasted IUIs – but I accept there was just no way of knowing any of this at the beginning; I never would have been the type to get all medical and aggressive right away, especially when the standard protocol is to assume you have no fertility issues and act as if you’re still a young, fertile woman when in fact you’re not.  But do I wish I had acted with more urgency and saved my money for something like this in the beginning?  Absolutely.  I feel like a whole year has been wasted, and I’m really pushing it now as I am a month shy of my 39^th birthday.  Still, I don’t feel bad, I feel hopeful.  I’m so glad this mini IVF thing exists, that it’s an option, that I can (kind of) afford it, that I can get through it alone with minimal stress to my body, that all in all it will actually be kind of interesting.  Talk about a science experiment!  Actual petri dishes will be involved!  Crazy.

Moving on?

So today was 12 dpo; took a test this morning and it was negative.  I will take one again in a couple of days because today is still too early for this particular test, but I have to tell you, I have zero hope that this cycle is going to work for me.  Like another blogger said, I’m just not feeling it.  Zero symptoms, zero everything.  After the first couple of days of feeling like, “wow, we nailed the timing this time, how could it possibly not work?” I began to feel, “with all that could go wrong, how could it possibly work?”  And then everyone else got their BFNs, two even with IVF.  Right now I am feeling like IUI is just never going to work for me, even if I did it every single month, with medications and monitoring, for the next two years.  I think it’s a monumental waste of time and money.

So I am considering moving on to more aggressive treatments.  The biggest obstacle for me is of course money.  But after doing a little research I discovered most of these clinics, including mine, offer financing.  Do I want to put myself in more debt?  No.  Do I want to spend the rest of my life childless?  No.  I have a lot of debt already but I do own a home and have excellent credit, so my hope is I would qualify for financing.  If not I do have a small amount of available credit (not credit cards, although they could help out in a pinch) I could scrape together to make it happen.  So, the money issue is not insurmountable, just extremely uncomfortable.

I suppose I could do an injectible IUI cycle first – this isn’t off the table.  The only problem is for the next three months I’m not available to be monitored – I’m out of town for several days before my fertile time in June, July, and August, and I don’t know what a great idea it is to be on airplanes doing injections, in stressful situations, and not around for days 8-13 of my cycle on all three months (possibly).  It just sounds nuts and like a huge waste of money if it doesn’t work.  I could do it in September.  But part of me wants to move off of IUI entirely.

I am thinking about mini-IVF, a process by which you are minimally stimulated to produce eggs, they are removed over a few months, and you wait and see how they are fertilized/develop, and then they are implanted later.  I love, love, LOVE this idea for several reasons.  One, you get to actually see if you have eggs, their quality, if they can even be fertilized and grow into embryos, and what quality the embryos end up being.  I mean, if I go through this process and I don’t get any viable embryos out of it, then I know to just forget about this whole thing, that it would never work.  I also love it because it works with my schedule – I can spend the entire fall doing egg retrievals when I shouldn’t be pregnant because of messing up the next summer delivering – and then implant them starting in Jan or Feb when the timing is better.  Otherwise I just have to sit out Oct – Dec and do nothing.  I also love that if it works out and you get fertilized embryos, you can keep ‘em on ice for siblings!  This to me is worth any cost.  The idea of not having to worry about trying to have a second child later is extremely appealing to me, and worth any cost, honestly.  To not sweat about I’m-42-and-I-really-want-a-sibling-for-my-kid would be just wonderful.  A fellow blogger wrote me about the whole process and said she didn’t have to go under for the egg retrievals – it was just a basic inpatient process using local and a valium.  This is also very appealing to me. 

Right now I feel like we’re just shooting in the dark.  I don’t know if I even want to bother with any more IUIs; why spend another $1500 for another failure, when I could put that towards mini-IVF?  Then at least I would KNOW.  I would know what’s going on in my body, I would know what my eggs are doing.  Right now I don’t even know for sure if an egg is even releasing or not.  I just picture all that sperm rooting around, unable to find the egg that isn’t there.  And then me sitting around for two weeks wondering if I’m pregnant.  Do I really want to keep doing this?

I think I’ll make an appointment with my new RE and talk about all this.  My guess is he may want to talk me into traditional IVF due to my age.  Well, it all gets down to costs, success rates, and timing.  It’s good to know I have options.  I don’t feel bad today, I feel hopeful.  I mean, I wish the whole easy-and-natural IUI thing had worked out for me but I am starting to feel like I’m wasting my time, and time is of the essence at my age.  And I really, really want to know what’s going on with my eggs and how viable they actually are.  So, it may just be time to ratchet this whole business up a notch and get ‘er done!