And the RE said...

Femara (Letrozole) it is!  But this was only after I specifically asked for it.  He was ready to go the Clomid route.  We talked about Femara and he said it has almost no side effects, doesn’t thin your mucus or lining, is more effective, and is extremely unlikely to cause hyperstimulation/multiple births.  I asked why the heck do people even bother with Clomid, then?  He said it just gets down to costs.  Clomid is about $20/cycle whereas Femara is $160.  Was it worth it to me?  Absolutely.  So I stood around awkwardly in the local CVS looking at nail polish until my “scrip” was ready.  And now I’m looking at this little orange bottle of tiny white pills that just might make me a baby.  Isn’t modern medicine amazing?

I want to start taking it RIGHT NOW but unfortunately I have to wait for my period to show up until I can; still more than a week away.  You take two pills a day for five days.  I will try to take them all before I travel for Memorial Day weekend. 

He was very encouraging about the fact that the possible causes for cancellation on Clomid are not an issue with Femara – no lining thinning, no hyperstimulation.  The worst thing that would happen would be I just wouldn’t respond at this dose, so we’d have to up the dosage.  That would suck, but let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.  After all, I was able to grow decent sized follicles on my right ovary last time (we think) so let’s hope this is just the little “push” I need to get one healthy egg the heck out of the ovary and into play.  I feel a little more positive after hearing this that June may not necessarily be canceled.  So, I may get to try again in three weeks.

One thing I learned today is ladies, I can’t tell you how important it is to be your own advocate.  Educate yourselves!  Google to your heart’s delight, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  If I hadn’t insisted on an ultrasound last month I would have ended up in another futile 2ww; if I hadn’t mentioned Femara I’d be about to take Clomid and possibly jeopardize the next cycle with a thin lining and/or suffer through horrendous side effects.  If I’d paid attention to my charts and didn’t disregard what they were telling me I could have been on top of this whole anovulation thing back in March and could be pregnant now.  So please don’t just listen to what these people tell you – they kind of don’t know anything more than you do.  Fight for your rights, girls!

(This post was from yesterday when Blogger was down all day)

When you get there, you will understand

So today I meet with a friend who is now pregnant after a few rounds of Clomid.  I’m thrilled to have a face to face “chin wag” with someone who has dealt with fertility issues (and won) – she recently e-mailed me the following: “Until you've held a pee stick up to a light bulb close enough to burn your fingers you are just not in the club” so I know she knows what the f’s up!  Then tomorrow I have the big summit meeting with the new RE.  Apparently it’s going to last an hour and a half, which is great.  Currently I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of taking Femara instead of Clomid.  It doesn’t have the lining thinning issues, has far fewer/milder side effects, and appears to be more successful for people.  It also leaves your body right away unlike Clomid which sticks around.  I figure if we can eliminate one possible reason to cancel June – the thin lining – it’s worth it!  Although the ladies at the clinic had poo-pooed it and I can’t remember why; it may have been because they don’t have access to it.  But I bet this guy will.  We’ll see what he says.

In the meantime yesterday a well meaning friend forwarded me this link thinking I would get a kick out of it.  And I did…until I had read all three posts on the subject (scroll to the bottom, there’s more) and began to sit with the information.  Then I felt myself slowly, subtly, begin to freak out.  Now I understand this is a blog and it’s meant to be over the top and funny, and it’s all in good humor, and it’s certainly nothing I haven’t read before (or seen on that “Mom Confessions” Oprah episode).  And it is a relief that moms are finally getting real about the pitfalls of parenting and admitting they’re not perfect.  But when I read stuff like this the first thing I think is, “Seriously?  This is what life is like with kids?  Ugh….suddenly it doesn’t sound so appealing!”

The thing that freaks me out the most is the general attitude these mothers *seem to* have towards their kids.  They call them monsters, refer to them as “The Little Terrorists”.  Again, I know this is all funny and I know they love their kids.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that these are the same mothers who consider their baby’s crying as “manipulation” and probably deep down consider their kids an inconvenience, and the thing that’s standing between them and their dreams.  Of course this is my “filter” because that’s how my mother felt about me.  But I find the general attitude kind of appalling.

Then there’s the description of the homes/food/cars.  As my friend V and I talked about last night, we did not grow up in homes strewn with toys, nor did we ride in cars with books and toys and Cheerios all over the floor.  We didn’t talk back to our parents, laugh at them when they tried to punish us, or swear at them.  We didn’t DARE.  And most kids I knew (with a few exceptions) were the same.  What’s the difference between parenting small children in the 70s and parenting them today?  Why do today’s kids run the house?  What, exactly, is going on here?

Then, finally, the description of what happens to the mothers in those early years.  How often have I heard, “oh, you won’t even have time to take a shower,” or, “you’ll live in yoga pants with greasy hair and no makeup.”  What?  So you mean to tell me a baby never sleeps?  I guess some babies, like colicky ones, are more difficult than others.  But really, you never get a shower, even after that early adjustment period is over and you start to get a routine going?  Is it that you don’t have time for a shower, or that you’re just not motivated to take a shower because you’re hormonal, in pain, having post-partum depression, or just plain disorganized?  I can understand putting your own hygiene on the back burner because you’re so consumed with the baby that you don’t really give a damn about pedicures or waxing.  But that should be in a joyful, happy way, not this sort of miserable lack of self respect that these blogs indicate.  Personally, I think these mothers are depressed and just won’t admit it.

Still, it’s the easiest thing in the world to not be a parent and stand around judging everyone else’s parenting skills (I try to do this less now, but I still fall into it, sorry).  You’re right – I haven’t been through it; I don’t know what it’s like.  I’m trying not to say “I’ll never…” because I know how easy it is to eat those words later.  To me parenting is kind of like the tagline for the movie The Abyss – “when you get there, you will understand”. 

But I do know that despite whatever issues my mother had, our home was always clean and organized, I was a good kid (I don’t remember ever being punished for anything, because I didn’t have to be), and I understood she was the boss and was never to be disrespected.  And my mother had plenty of mental health issues, and yet she managed to at least get that part of parenting correct.  I hope I at least inherit this part (the “I’m in control” part) from her. 

Could be worse

So I’ve been trying to come up with a positive post to write today, but for some reason it keeps coming out sounding profoundly negative.  Why?  I don’t feel negative.  I had a fun weekend, and my spirits are up.  I feel positive and hopeful, indeed, grateful that we identified I have a problem before wasting more money and hopes on unsuccessful IUIs.  So maybe what I should write about today is how things are pretty good, actually, and they certainly could be, and have been, far worse.

I often think of this TTC stuff thus far and try to compare it to other difficult times in my life.  And I have to say, thus far, this is not the hardest thing I ever went through; not even close.  I say this with the full understanding that this may end up becoming the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.  But let’s hope not.  Here in order of difficulty are the things I’ve been through that were way more emotionally & (sometimes) financially difficult than this:

1.    The “break up” with my mother, by far the most emotionally damaging thing I’ve ever endured.  This plus pulling away from the “cult” I was raised in at the same time – I even sought out an “exit counselor” to help me with this process.  So, other than the therapy, this experience didn’t really cost me anything, but was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through emotionally.

2.    The lawsuit.  As mentioned I was sued in 1999-2000 over a partnership dispute with my business.  It was horrendous and cost me $60,000 in legal fees that I wasn’t allowed to recoup.  I had horrific panic attacks for two years, was afraid to leave the house, and lived in terror of losing my business (after I had already quit my job).  I felt like I was being tortured, and I was.  Luckily, I won.  It took me about five years to recover financially.

3.    My New Orleans debacle.  In 2005 I bought a fourplex in New Orleans as an investment property – five days before Katrina.  The building didn’t flood, so that wasn’t an issue for me, but the back wall collapsed, and the insurance company refused to pay saying it was termites and not a level 5 hurricane that caused the collapse.  I had to sue the insurance company, and I won every penny, but it all went to the lawyer.  I fixed the building using a Small Business Administration Disaster loan, but once it was repaired vandals broke in and tore the whole building apart again.  Then my insurance canceled me.  Then I finally sold it after three years of carrying an empty building – at a huge loss.  I currently hold $100,00 in debt that I will spend the rest of my life paying because of this; total cost of this experience over three years I estimate at about $250,000.

4.    Then, of course, there’s Dating in Your Thirties.  Eight miserable years of internet (and other) dates, almost none resulting in a second date, with nothing but constant rejection, teasing, and disappointment, as all of my friends met great guys, got married, and had babies.  Horrible experience; will never, EVER internet date again.

So, I can honestly say as of right now that TTC has been a drop in the bucket compared to these experiences.  At least this one has a guaranteed happy ending – I will be a parent, whether it’s to my own biological child or not.  And as of right now I have no reason to believe I won’t be successful in having at least one biological child, and soon.  Everything looks rosy right now – not focusing on the past frustrations, just moving forward with hope.  Just think, I could have gone ahead with repeated IUIs and failed; I could have far worse medical problems; I could be older and feel more urgency.  I’m not crazy about the timing now (the rest of the year is very complicated between my event in July, four more band traveling trips, and having to take a break in the fall so I don’t end up delivering during my event next year, so my chances to “try” are very limited until January) but the reality is I do have about four more possible tries this year unless they get canceled.  It’s all good.

Eyes on the prize

So, May is a no-go.  Got the ultrasound today and there was no movement on the follicles, and in fact my lining had taken on a whitish appearance which she said was typical of non- or post-ovulatory times.  So either we missed it by a huge margin (remember, the first ultrasound was Day 12, so I would have had to have ovulated days before then if we missed it, which is unlikely – we’ll know for sure when my period shows up!) or it just didn’t happen this month, for no apparent reason.

Because it was a Friday and only Y, my original consult lady, was there, we got to have a nice long chat.  She kindly told me I have beautiful, fertile –looking ovaries, and was impressed by my Day 3 labs.  I asked how often she sees a case like me where there’s a healthy, not-too-old woman such as myself, with all the signs of ovulation, good labs, and no indication of any problems, and yet there are unexplained problems.  She said about 10% of the time.  So guess what?  I fall into that bizarre 10% of women who have fertility issues for no apparent reason.

This is what drives me nuts, because most women I read about who have issues KNOW ahead of time they have issues – they’ve had a long history of irregular periods, PCOS, endo, any number of things.  So I’m not saying their situation is better than mine – I know it’s not – but at least they KNOW what’s wrong and they can take steps to correct it.  They’re dealing with a known factor, and there are methods and protocols.  In my case it’s totally nuts and unknown.  Everything is in place – lining, follicles, healthy ovaries, good labs, positive OPKs, CM, temperature shifts.  And yet – nothing.

So I managed to talk her into putting me on Clomid next cycle.  It’s a terrible Catch-22 (Catch-38?) because I may be jeopardizing a perfectly good cycle; after all, if April was good (maybe) then June will be good, and Clomid runs the risk of hyperstimulating the ovaries, which will result in a canceled cycle, or thinning the lining, which will also result in a canceled cycle.  So this should be fun for me – next month enduring the weirdness known as Clomid (and I get to take it while out of town at a very stressful gig I already am dreading…good times) – being monitored, and possibly being told we have to stop because the ovaries are producing too many follicles, or that the lining is too thin.  And then I’ll be wondering if I’d just left everything alone if I would have been able to try.  Can you see what a horrible decision this is?  But I went with the Clomid.  I mean, nothing would piss me off more than getting in there un-medicated in June and being told “you’re not ovulating” AGAIN.

In the meantime I also made an appointment with their recommended RE for next Thurs.  At least this guy has a free consultation; I figure it couldn’t hurt.  I just want some damned answers, even though I know there aren’t any to be had.  For me it’s all just a mystery.  A maddening, frustrating mystery.

Y told me one very helpful thing, she said she’s never seen someone my age, with my numbers & general health, not be successful eventually.  She said you will be successful if you persist.  There really, and I mean really, is no reason I can’t get pregnant, with my age & stats.  She says sometimes she sees people like me who just go away and they never know what becomes of them, but she says the ones who keep going are always successful.  So I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I really do.

I feel very positive right now; I suppose it’s because I spent the last two days freaking out and now I’m tired of it.  I’ll tell you two things – one, I’m so glad I don’t have to endure another torturous 2ww with disappointment at the end; I think I’d have a nervous breakdown.  Two, and I’m being totally honest here: as hard as this has been thus far, I have to say, dating was worse for me.  All this up and down, dashed hopes, frustration, anger, self-pity – I knew it all when I was dating, and it felt worse.  Because at least here I never have to wait more than two weeks before something starts happening.  Dating you never knew when you’d meet someone, if they’d call, if they’d be the person they originally presented themselves to be.  Would I rather wait for blood test results than for a man to call?  Yes, yes I would.