Goth family photos

To be fair, I had the idea to dress us all in black for our photos this year even before the election, but it felt even more fitting after. I’m pleased with the results. 

Theo asked for a cookbook from his book fair, and I’m determined to have him pick one or two things a week to make and take the time to make them with him. I’m so glad he’s at least interested in cooking; I feel like a total slacker for not empowering these kids with food instruction yet because it’s always just easier for me to do it. Thankfully I’ve been pretty inspired to do complicated cooking projects lately, so this should translate to willingness to work with a kid trying to learn, too.

After many phone calls and complicated app and website set ups, I finally got all my retirement and kid college fund savings contributions automated. I also have a conference call with my tax guy on Monday to make sure everything I’m doing makes sense from a tax perspective. I looked into the costs of higher education - something I have zero understanding of - and it’s not as grim as all that. Sure, if you’re aiming for some top school, room and board in another state, you’re going to be out hundreds of thousands of dollars. But if the kids can stay at home (and why not?) and go to a local university, even something like UCLA will be easily affordable on what I can save in time. It’s the housing that gets you. So that made me feel better. I took a friend to the desert last weekend who says they have $0 saved for their kids’ schooling and don’t plan on saving anything. So I’m not alone in this. At least I can start now, and have six years to save for Bobby and eight for Theo. I’m going to save a little more each month for Bobby so they end up with the same amount. 

Yesterday I began the process of dismantling their haphazard toddler bedroom in anticipation of the switch to a big kid room starting this weekend. I took down all the framed photos I put up when they were three and one - pictures of my grandparents and their grandparents and me; also all their school photos I’ve been lining up on their wall in a crooked desultory manner. I spent all day yesterday repurposing those framed photos into the living room and cleaning and reorganizing the big bookcase. Boy what a dusty mess! It’s still a bit cluttered but at least pared down. Next I need to tackle the big mess of school supplies all over the dining room, which hopefully from now on will be kept in the soon to be new desk in their bedroom. 

Just like last year’s big move to the desert, which was just as exhausting and relentless as I expected, I know this room renovation will also be a huge undertaking (at least this project won’t involve a uhaul truck stuck in soft sand that needs to be pulled out). Also this week should end with a lovely quiet visit to the desert rather than start and end with tons of furniture moving and putting together. 

It’s another season in our house - no more babies and toddlers, no more school-aged kids, now moving into teenager and college kid phase. I’m here for it. 

Futures

This week I chose to focus all my anxiety and angst into something that’s been hanging over my head for ages - my plan, or lack thereof, for retirement and the boys’ college. 

First I tackled my current retirement account, which, according to a guy at JP Morgan, needed a re-allocation. I took this account out twenty years ago - it’s a special small business account which apparently isn’t often offered anymore - and put pretty much nothing into it all the years I struggled just to make ends meet, only contributing in the last few years mostly as a tax shelter. I had to track down the advisor who set it up for me, and after much back and forth managed to set up an online account for it so I could start tracking it. Included in this online account is the answer to the question I’ve had for ages which nobody’s been able to definitively answer - how much do I need to put away each month to have any kind of survivable last quarter of my life? The website has a comprehensive calculator which helped me come up with a plan, one I can live with. But much like paying down my house, I need to get super aggressive about saving. This needs to be my main focus from now on.

The sad part is, the kids’ school funds will have to suffer a little. I just can’t put away as much as I would like for them. But honestly, I feel like I have no choice - I will 100% get old and be unable to work at some point; whether the kids will go to college and/or need any money from me at all is up in the air. In order to grow their accounts the most efficiently, I have to take out 529 accounts, and for those you can only spend the funds on education. So, I’m reluctant to rob myself to pay into these funds that may not even be used (and to be fair, even paying in the amount I had hoped wouldn’t even give them half of what they might need, so it all seems a little hopeless). 

Two things happened that changed everything for me on the issue of saving. One, I had always assumed since my job - the event - isn’t physically taxing and only requires brief spurts of actual work, I thought I could just do it forever. This year changed my mind, however. I don’t want to be trapped into doing this until I’m in my 90s (assuming I’m lucky enough to even have an event for that long!). I don’t actually want to do this forever. It’s insanely stressful and unstable and exhausting. I can barely hack it now, in my 50s - how am I going to keep going twenty years from now? I need an exit ramp. 

The other thing is, with interest rates plummeting, my plan to save money in a high yield savings account no longer makes sense. The returns just aren’t there anymore. So it really is better for me to have these accounts that invest for me and actually grow the money (for the most part). 

I had some pretty massive freak outs this week about how little money I’ve managed to save, how foolish I’ve been, and how I’m going to get stuck paying the price. However, it’s not as grim as all that. If I can continue to make my full income until 70, I can absolutely have a nice nest egg, especially if my social security kicks in and the H’s kicks in (did you know there’s such a thing as survivor benefits to the spouse? I did not). There’s also the option of keeping my event but hiring people to manage it, something I can do as soon as I no longer need to keep every penny. Certainly by the time I’m 70 and the boys are in their thirties, this can start happening. And don’t forget I now have a free house to live in. 

So I feel better that there are solutions on the horizon…but it definitely means no more big expenses. We'll have to get creative with the boys' schooling, too. But we're not rich people; never have been, never will be. We'll figure it out, whether it means two years at a community college and then transferring, or work-study, or scholarships, or me utilizing every extra penny I have to make their school dreams come true and living extremely frugally during their school years. It will be an interesting time in a few years, that's for sure.

Now what?

Well, it’s been a week, almost. Everyone I know, everyone I encounter, is devastated, numb, angry, checked out, etc etc. Everyone is dealing with this horrible loss in different ways. But we’re all scared and feeling betrayed, that’s for sure. 

Since I long ago curated my FB friends, I only got push back on my post from one person who for the last year has made Gaza her whole personality, who wrote a scathing comment on how dare I judge her decision not to vote, then screen shot my post to her page calling me a Nazi and a clown, and unfriended me. Not surprised by that one. You know what I think? I think she feels guilty because she knows she totally fucked up and was just lashing out at me. Whatever. Everyone is lashing out at everyone right now. 

As we were watching the results Tuesday night, when it became clear we were losing, and horribly at that, the H said very flippantly “well, I knew this was going to happen” and started watching stupid videos on his phone. In order to not start screaming at him, I removed myself to the porch and sat in the cold for two hours. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. The next day he had tears in his eyes. As much as I didn’t like his initial reaction, I see it now as just self protection in the moment. It feels much less powerless to say “I knew it” than “I can’t believe it”. 

Also? I can’t actually believe it. I’m about 99% sure there was vote tampering in the swing states. I think democrats are too afraid of “sounding like them” to actively pursue this claim, however, which is infuriating. Not underestimating how much racism, sexism, and general shittiness still caused real people to vote for the orange turd - but I would bet $1000 that we actually won this election by a hair but Musk and Putin and whoeverthefuck else rigged it so votes switched or disappeared in some states. Unless someone proves me wrong, this is where I’m at. Which is a terrible place to be, because if we can never have a real election again, we’re more screwed than we already think we are. 

Things have sucked locally, too - there was some kid wearing a maga hat and taunting other kids in Theo’s class on Wednesday (thankfully that’s the only school incident I heard from either kid - hooray for the woke LAUSD system). But I’ve seen way too many people around LA gloating their Trumpism - in particular, one scary incident at my corner gas station in which a guy with a black cloth over his face and tons of Trump regalia was hanging around a little too much when I was filling up. I refused to even look his way; I could just tell he was waiting for me to roll my eyes or show him how disgusted I was so he could start something. Why are you covering your face, motherfucker? It ain’t that cold! 

What can I say? The absolute worst among us have been emboldened to be their worst - the anti-LGBTQ, the racist, the anti-feminist, rule the world now; it’s going to be a very dangerous place for anyone who’s not a straight white Christian male. 

Speaking of straight white males, both the H and I have had conversations about how they need to call out that shit when they see it in person or online, that they need to be the good ones here. For me, personally, the idea of my boys being red pilled by the manosphere scares the living shit out of me. Will our influence be enough to counter the alt right’s ever-expanding grip on young white boys? Will it? 

Anyway. There’s nothing I’m writing here that’s profound or unique. Everyone who hates Trump is feeling all of the same things. My one hope is that most people don’t really care about anything but how much things cost, and that hopefully Trump won’t help that, and, assuming we still have a fair election in 2028, we can kick him (or Vance) out. People love to blame the President for all their problems; I’m pretty sure the orange turd will NOT make life better for the average American and there’s a chance they’ll turn on him like they did in 2020. 

Or, you know, not.

As much as I realize it’s neither practical nor possible for the west coast to secede, boy has that been my go-to fantasy the last few days. America is over - let’s just start our own nation. But, never going to happen. So here we are, tied to government that the vast majority of us doesn’t want and that doesn’t represent our values or interests AT ALL. Cool cool cool.

I refuse to be blasé (oh well, America has always been trash, whatever) nor toxicly positive (everything’s going to be ok!) nor catastrophize (he’s going to tear up the Constitution on day one!). Like most of us, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to survive this. And continue to live my life and run my business with integrity and values whether this country stands for those or not. 

I broke down sobbing in the car taking the kids to school Wednesday morning - Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” came up on my shuffle, and I just couldn’t contain myself anymore. I told them I didn’t want to make them scared, but that what just happened was really bad. I think they may think I’m just bummed because a woman lost, and for sure that’s a big part of it for me, personally. But I also don’t want to fill them with despair about their futures - as much as, honestly, they should be filled with despair about their futures.

If I were in my late 30s-early 40s and considering trying to become a single mother by choice right now, that would be a RESOUNDING NO. I’m already feeling guilty that I selfishly brought them into this complete shit show, even though they were both born into the second Obama administration. I kind of envy people my age with no kids who can just try to survive their remaining years - 25, 30? and then peace out of here. If things go the way I most fear - that we’re just trapped in this fascist hell literally forever - all we can do is just try to make it until we can just slide into the void. 

The day after

Today I put all my rage into a Facebook post. Here it is:

I CANNOT get over how few Democrats showed up this time. What happened to record registrations? Record early voting? Record turnouts? Lines around the block? Was that all just a mirage? Were we just wishful thinking and all these people actually were Trump voters? Did THAT MANY new registered Democrats just NOT VOTE when the time came? Did no one understand how important this election was?!? We could have been done with Trump FOREVER. Now we’re stuck with him - and his ilk - FOREVER. We, and the global community, and the planet, are NEVER going to recover from the damage this ONE ORANGE FUCK are going to cause over the next 4+ years. 

I hope those of you who were too apathetic to vote Harris are happy. I hope those of you who “just couldn’t” vote Harris because of Gaza are proud of yourselves (guess what - Trump is about to make things WAY WORSE for the people of Gaza). We handed the future of the entire world over to this craven rapist racist piece of shit and his cronies because we just didn’t show up, and couldn’t outweigh the ignorance, misogynoir, Xenophobia, and just plain shitty character of the other half of this country. If you don’t see Trump this way, then congratulations. The Russian misinformation campaign has succeeded. I hope you’re not too shocked when the price of eggs doesn’t magically plummet, since that’s all you gave a fuck about (oh, and hating immigrants).

I used to have *some* faith in the goodness of the American people, at least some of us. But now I see that the goodness of some of us will NEVER be enough to outweigh the wave of female internalized misogyny, male misogyny, racism, self-hatred, recent immigrants turning on more recent immigrants, tribalism, colorism, colonization, white supremacy, revulsion of non-cis het people, that has always existed but was enabled, promoted, and celebrated by Trump and his ilk. When I see people in MAGA hats and other stupid paraphernalia (made in China), this is what I see. You’re either proudly, unabashedly all or some of the things above, or you’re just too gullible to double check news sources or don’t care to. You think you’re a proud American? Actually, you are. You clearly enjoy all of the things above, which made this country what it is (if you think this country wasn’t built on slavery, genocide and unpaid female labor, you’d better check your history). You’re the real American, not me. I bow to your superior craven-ness. 

All you women who think Trump is great because past traumas taught you to fawn to play-acting Alphas like him, thinking this rapist will protect you from all the other rapists (he only does this because he doesn’t want the other guy taking his property) - good job with your Trump vote. You just made the lives of every non-white and/or non-cis/het person much, much harder, and more dangerous. But, you don’t care about them, so…yay? And this means gas prices are going to plummet and we can start saying the N word again…right? Only one of those things is true. 

I used to cling to the MLK quote that the arc of the moral universe is long but bends towards justice, but now I’m not so sure. I thought the first Trump regime was *hopefully* a blip, and when Biden was elected we were back to sane politics. Now I see that Obama and Biden and all of the less offensive Republican presidents in recent years were in fact the blip, and Trump is what we are now and have always been. The people have, indeed, spoken. And sadly there are now more of them than us - at least, those who turn up to vote. The Russian disinformation campaigns, the manisphere, the influencers, have all succeeded. All the rest of us can do is just try to survive this. God (or whatever) help us all.

Hallowe’en

Another Halloween on the books. Theo’s costume will rank as the most 2024 thing imaginable - he went as inflatable skibidi toilet, much to the consternation of his brother but the delight of nearly all the other trick or treaters. We initially had a bet going that we would hear the phrase “skibidi toilet” twenty times during our entire night; we got to that number within minutes. We also heard just “toilet”, “toilet man”, “the bathroom”, and “water closet”. Also a couple of teenagers said he “had issues”. Theo, as per usual, was delightfully unperturbed by the naysayers and said it was the best night of his life.

Bobby went as a tuxedo t shirt monkey (his favorite animal) and I joined him as a vaguely wrinkled banana.

And so completes Phase 1 of the holiday trifecta. Today right on schedule I put away all the decorations and costumes. The pumpkins we bought a couple of weeks ago have still gone un-carved - a babysitter is coming Sunday night while we’re at a wedding; she loves craft projects so I may ask if she wants to do this with the boys. Personally, I can’t be buggered. They insist on buying these giant, tough pumpkins that are pretty much impossible to cut into. Last year we gave up after just a couple of cuts. Meh. I would like to roast the seeds, however. 

Today I got a cortisone shot in my big toe in an attempt to help with the never ending pain I’ve had there due to arthritis for the last couple of years. I have no idea if it’ll do anything, but I’m hoping for the best. I only wish it hadn’t been the height of covid when I had frozen shoulder - I could have tried this for that, too, and possibly saved myself a solid year of needless agony. 

As far as What’s Happening Tuesday, I’m trying, and occasionally failing, to remain zen about it. I’ve voted; I’ve done my part. I’m glad it’s sooner rather than later - a whole year of Drumpf anxiety has taken its toll. I just want it over with. Do I think we’ll win? I honestly don’t know. No one does. I still think there’s a chance women will save this election, we’ll take it hands down, and we’ll realize we had nothing to worry about. But also he could be elected, the ramifications of which are too hideous to even consider. I listened to an AOC interview in which she talked about a nation wide abortion ban that got me so worked up I couldn’t sleep. Sadly, last time his administration was just a disorganized mess - this time the Christian Right has figured out how to fully utilize that useful idiot. So it really is horrifying. And it could be days, weeks, months? before we even know the results. This is going to suck.

But hey, at least the Dodgers won the World Series…right?

October desert visit

Just returned from our October desert visit. The weather was absolutely perfect, which made me that much sadder that we weren’t able to go at all the rest of the month. October and April are really prime time out there. 

We listened to game 1 of the World Series on the radio in the car on the way out. I’m not at all a sports fan, but I have to admit, being in east LA just minutes from Dodgers Stadium and having my hometown team (Yankees) vs the Dodgers this year is pretty thrilling, so I’ll be paying attention. I’ll never forget how we listened to the Dodgers World Series win on the radio in the car in an In-N-Out parking lot at the height of covid in 2020.

This weekend was surprisingly productive despite the goal of just being relaxing. We met with a water hauler who gave us lots of good advice on how to set up our gifted tanks, so I think we could be getting that set up in maybe a couple of visits, which would be life changing. In anticipation of that, the H built a shower corral on the side of the container, working all day in the hot sun yesterday. We just need a couple more panels of wood and some finishing touches (hooks, bench, place to hang the shower head) to make it workable. And of course the water. 

We had another lovely night under the stars in hammocks roasting marshmallows and also went to the Palms for a wacky music festival. I just love that place. It really is the desert equivalent of the East Village. We’re starting to be recognized there by the staff which is very gratifying.

Friday we had Theo’s Halloween carnival, for which I made the wise choice this year to donate items rather than volunteer (I still have ptsd from my stint as treasurer at the boys’ old school). It was funny how this time, Theo ran off with his friends while Bobby stuck to me like glue (because he didn’t know anyone there anymore, mostly). I asked him if it was weird to be at his old school, and he said yes. 

This week I’m going full bore into starting up my podcast again, but the takers have been few (I advertised in my FB group but only a couple of people have responded, so I’m guessing it may be a short season). I’ll just see how it goes. 

Now I have the complicated work of putting together my teacher lineup for my event, which I have to say gets more difficult every year. This year I have zoom meetings and consultations involved - it’s a big deal. The puzzle pieces will eventually fall into place, but right now everything is up in the air, and I’m going to have to let some people go, which sucks. 

Spooktacular times coming

We all survived the Vegas wedding. I looked like the late queen of England, and I’m ok with that. The boys were perfectly content with us frisbeeing a pizza at them in between the wedding and reception; we even tossed it in the room while yelling, “pizza!” in a creepy voice and shut the door - but they didn’t even notice because they were both on their VRs. Well, Bobby noticed, only to text us a laugh emoji. I was reminded of my loathing of Las Vegas - I wasn’t exaggerating how much I despise the place, being as it’s all about things that mean nothing to me; gambling, alcohol, and red meat. No thank you. Spent all week recovering, yet again, and have been massively procrastinating on a few event-related projects that I just never have the energy for. Bleh.

Bobby has a community service requirement at this school - five hours per semester - and last night we did half of it. One of my oldest dance friends runs a non-profit to make and distribute burritos to unhoused folks on LA’s skid row. I’ve donated to them from time to time, and always meant to go join in and volunteer, but this requirement finally got me to actually make a plan and go. I was very apprehensive - my general terror of interacting with new people was at an all-time high - but luckily we spent the hours making the burritos and didn’t make it to downtown (gotta be honest - skid row is pretty gnarly). The boys pitched in and did great - it didn’t hurt that the first person we saw was the boys’ babysitter who apparently volunteers every month. It was tiring, but I enjoyed it, and hopefully the boys will get a sense of satisfaction about it even though it’s not as fun as video games. I figure we’ll just do this every couple of months or so; I told another parent in case they were looking for volunteer opportunities for their kid, too. It’s not often I get parenting wins, but I feel like this was one.

Oh, and Bobby got straight A’s this semester so far. So I guess that’s two.

Tomorrow we have a Spooktacular day planned - pumpkin patch in the morning (sadly, the donor sibs couldn’t join us this time, but we’re going to try to get together this December), then costume shopping, then the puppet show (I had asked the boys if they were still interested in going to this, and Bobby immediately said, “YES. HOW IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION.”). Bobby decided he wasn’t too keen on being a plague doctor, so we returned his costume - I think he was weirded out by the bird beak mask (in my opinion, the best part). I hope to find something suitably ridiculous for myself. 

And so begins the Holiday Trifecta. We’ll have a nice night of trick or treating in Eagle Rock as we’ve done the last few years, then for Thanksgiving week we’ll remodel the boys’ room, then at Christmas we’ll go to Utah and hike The Wave (planning and booking this trip is another thing I’ve been grossly procrastinating about). In the meantime I’ve got an event to plan and hiring and firing to do. 

I had my annual checkup, which went well. I don’t know if I started the conversation but we pretty much spent the entire visit talking about menopause (which I’m not in yet). That topic really does take over your whole life when you’re in your fifties. My doctor is not opposed to HRT, nor am I, but I wouldn’t do it unless the symptoms were really unbearable. According to this week’s Science Vs. podcast, although HRT has gotten a bad rap in the past, there still are some risks (breast cancer, heart attacks). It seems like it’s a “how bad is it that you’re willing to accept this small risk”-type situation. How bad, indeed. Only time will tell. For now, these slightly irregular periods, having long outgrown their use, continue to be a nuisance. 

Here we are being volunteer-type people. 

Fear and loathing in LV

Tonight we head out to Las Vegas for friends’ destination wedding. I’ve known the groom since he was a young teenager some 25 years ago, and the bride from a few years after that. 

This whole trip is a bit slap-dash and I’m afraid I’m going to regret how little thought or planning I’ve put into it - other than obsessive-compulsively shopping all week for an outfit and coming up empty. I did get us a hotel room some months ago, but other than that there’s nothing planned or packed. The wedding happens at a chapel and then we drive somewhere else for the reception; we’re going to leave the kids in the hotel room all day, which I don’t feel great about, only to make a pit stop between wedding and reception to throw a pizza in their faces and leave them for a few more hours. We’ll see how all this goes. 

After trying on countless modern and vintage things - the dress code is blingy glitzy Vegas - I admitted failure and instead went with a tried and true 1940s look which is really the only way I know how to dress up. I’m old, and my body is in no shape to wear something clingy and sexy and good for a hot summer wedding. Maybe twenty years ago, but not now. My other similarly aged friend said she’s afraid she’s going to look like a nun compared to everyone else. I definitely feel that. But I’m just going to do the old tactic I developed in junior high when I realized I was too poor to compete with the rich girls and their Benetton and swatches - just don’t even try; do something completely weird and different. So I’ll wear one of my favorite pink 1940s dresses and a fabulous feathered hat and that’ll be that. 

One of the H’s co workers died suddenly last weekend, so he has the funeral today and then we’ll head out later tonight, probably rolling in around midnight if we’re lucky. Then tomorrow’s the long wedding day, then a kid-friendly pool party on Sunday and then we get home. 

For me, now on my third weekend out of town in a row, I am utterly thrashed - yesterday I crashed so hard I canceled my yoga class and just took a two hour nap in the middle of the day. I’d also gotten my flu shot earlier which may have been a contributing factor to my complete exhaustion. But I’m wrecked. All I’ve been able to do for the last three weeks is get home from a trip, do laundry and groceries, pack and unpack and then pack again and head out for the next trip. It’s taking a big toll.

Bobby’s orthodontist says she wants him to start “treatment” early next year - which means braces or Invisalign - before his bite becomes too set. So, that’s happening. Luckily Theo can wait so it doesn’t all happen at once. They have their doctor appointments in a couple of weeks, and I had mine yesterday, scheduled my long overdue first colonoscopy for January. 

And of course the elephant in the room of all this is our big (and possibly final) election looming just three weeks and change away. My confidence has waned quite a bit in the last couple of weeks - we’re at such a stalemate at this point that I now think there’s a good chance that the unthinkable will happen and the Orange one will win. In which case, I say what I said back in 2016, that we’ve proven we’re too stupid for democracy. If people really think the Democrats cause hurricanes and people really believe the Republicans aren’t gunning to remove women’s rights, then I just fucking give up. This is my way of emotionally preparing myself for the worst. I hope I’m wrong, I really do. I filled out and mailed my ballot the day I got it - not that my California vote means much - and got the text that it was recorded and counted. Here we go!

Spooky season

I love how Halloween is no longer just a day but a whole season. Yesterday on the 1st I did my annual Halloween decorating, just bought Bobby’s costume (plague doctor), and am planning on volunteering for Theo’s fall festival at the end of the month. If it weren’t nearly 100° today and for the whole next week, it would almost feel like fall.

I’m one third of the way through my trifecta of weekend trips - survived Chicago last weekend, now on to Eureka, CA on Friday and then a destination wedding in Vegas the weekend after. I’m slowly starting to engage in household projects - today I sifted through a giant tub of 20 year old tax stuff, throwing away most of it but shredding anything with sensitive information. Next week I’d like to start moving some of the family pictures out of the boys’ room (I don’t know if my soon-to-be teenagers necessarily need photos of their great-grandparents hanging on their walls - that seems like a powder room thing) in preparation for their big room transformation, and framing some art that’s been sitting around, some to take to the desert (prints) and some to hang here (originals). There are so many house projects - once again, every room, closet and drawer in this house needs a complete clean out and overhaul - but I’m just going to tackle one small thing at a time. These are the kinds of things my brain has room for once my event is over.

Yesterday marked the first 1st of the month that I haven’t had a mortgage payment. The silence on my bank account transactions was deafening. I also added the boys to my payroll as a way to save on taxes and put money away for school, as recommended by my accountant, so that process has at long last begun. 

In a strange turn of events, about 10 days after I got an email from KIA USA about my car now having a “case” opened about the battery issue, and not hearing anything during that time, I suddenly got a call from the dealer that my car had been fixed and was ready for pick up. Umm, what? So yeah. Got my car, turned in the loaner (they were unphased by the broken lock, thank god), and after nearly three months, it was all over. Weird! So a big exhale there - hopefully I can just drive this car into the ground and live payment-free for at least a few more years. 

How it went

On Wednesday, once the money from savings landed in my main account, I set about to do a wire transfer to the mortgage company…only to discover there was a limit on how much could be sent in one day, which would mean I would have to send wires over five days, which meant I would be past the date of the payoff quote amount. I decided to mail a cashier’s check instead. I had a lot of misgivings about sending a check of that magnitude off in the mail - I figured I’d send it FedEx with every insurance/signature required/return receipt protection possible, BUT STILL. When I asked for the check at the bank, the teller looked skeptical and said, “wouldn’t you rather do this by wire?” Apparently if you go to a bank they don’t have the same daily limits. Phew! So there was a lot of verifying of identity and signing of papers and double checking of information, and then it was done, all in just a few minutes. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “this is what rich people get to experience all the time.” Paying off debts. Freedom. Transferring large amounts of money like you’re buying a latte. No big whoop. For the first time since I was probably nineteen, I am completely debt free.

This won’t last, of course. Odds are I will need to dip into this house’s equity again someday, whether it be to support me in retirement, pay boys’ school or housing or business start up costs, whatever. But I can enjoy having a “free” place to live for the time being.

Then, of course, there’s the car situation. For nearly three months now, my car has malingered at the Kia dealer, and as of now there is no end in sight as far as when or if it can be fixed. Over a week ago a “case” was opened for me by Kia USA and they said I would be contacted; as of today I’ve heard nothing. So I have no idea if the car can be fixed, or if they’ll just offer me some low buy out of my now useless car, or if they’ll put me in a new(er) Kia. If all of this involves having to get a new car, I’m a bit torn. I hate that this is happening right as I have no money for a down payment to keep a payment relatively low; but I also don’t want to settle for some shitty used car that I never would have chosen for myself under different circumstances. I would like 4WD for desert purposes, but I don’t know if I’m willing to give up the Niro’s spectacular gas mileage for something I’ll rarely, if ever, use. I had hoped to jump over to Subaru next, but they only offer a hybrid in the Forester which is just too much car for me. And expensive. Sigh. The uncertainty of all of this is really getting to me. I’ve not been bothering to contact Kia USA myself because the next three weeks are impossible - I leave Wednesday for Chicago; then the following Friday for northern CA for a jazz festival, then the following Friday for a wedding in Vegas. I have zero time to do any real research or work on this, and I’m only home a handful of weekdays and no weekends for three more weeks. I’m completely overwhelmed and just want my car back so I can drive a free car for the next 5-7 years. But that’s the least likely scenario. Most likely I’ll be out my car and be stuck with a $500-$700 car payment. Ugh!

Add into this stress, the fact that Theo has a diorama to be made by Friday that we haven’t even started, and I leave Wednesday morning. The H and I both freaked out about this this morning and I spent all day and $60 at a craft store buying supplies; now we just have to build everything (thankfully I did have Theo fill out the 12 3x5 cards for his presentation about it, so we know what things need to be depicted). Can I just say how much I despise these projects? Last time - 3rd grade? - Theo’s teacher, bless her soul, had the kids make them in class so the parents couldn’t take over. He didn’t do particularly well, but at least it was an even playing field. When the kids have to work on them at home, it only means one thing - the parents end up doing it. I’m expecting to spend pretty much all of my remaining time this week working on this, and I hate it so much. I so hope this is the last one we ever have to do.  

In other news, Bobby is doing well in school - all As and Bs, apparently - and I’ve set up a plan for a “big boy bedroom” that I figure we’ll implement over Thanksgiving week, a week for which we had no plans anyway. It’s going to involve stripping everything out of there, getting rid of tons of stuff, painting, installing new light fixtures, and all new furniture. It’s going to be a huge job that will probably take about 4 days and cost about $2000. It’s a huge change - the biggest since I first had them move into that room together at 1 1/2 and 3 1/2. And most likely this will be the last configuration of that room until they’re adults. When they’re gone, it’s going to be my fabulous vintage dressing room. 

Milestone accomplished (almost)

After a week of wringing my hands, the house payoff quote finally arrived yesterday, and hurrah, it is exactly my balance. I immediately initiated a large transfer from my savings to checking, which will take a couple of days, and then I set up a bank transfer on probably Thursday, and then it’s done. I am officially mortgage free. 

I had a conversation with the one friend I trust with this information, and it was interesting the difference in perspective. Having no children, she sees her paid off house as hers to do with as she wishes; she imagines at some point she’ll sell it and downsize to a condo or apartment and live off the profit. Having kids, I see this house as theirs, and something I want to leave behind intact, not with money still owing or sold for me to live off in my final years. She pointed out that if I do manage to live into my 90s, these “kids” will be middle aged men with their own homes and careers; they shouldn’t *need* a house to be left to them. I tend to forget this - having come from a long line of poor people who left nothing behind (no money, no property), I tend to want to “do better” for these kids. But is anyone entitled to an inheritance? Not really. You need the money when you’re young and starting out, not when you’re in your 40s or 50s (hopefully). I have life insurance for them, and depending on when I kick off maybe some leftover money. Maybe I need to shift my perspective. That’s not to say it’s bad to try to keep this place mortgage free and to not use it as an ATM, but maybe give myself the grace to do that if it becomes necessary. 

So I have (or will have, within days) accomplished one of my greatest goals, which is to pay off the house I wisely bought at 29 in 2001, at the age of 52, while my kids are still young. And now that extra money can go to their school funds, and my retirement. And maybe an international trip or two, to boot.

Last weekend we did a quick desert trip to open the place up after being shut down for nearly four months. As with last year, the spiders and scorpions had taken over, but only the ground floor, and they were all dead. It didn’t take much to dust the place off and make it inhabitable again. It’s easy to forget that at this time last year we still didn’t have stairs or an overhang or any furniture in the place. We had a lovely night under the stars in the hammocks - it was too warm, even, for a campfire - and the next day got on the road before the mid-90s temperatures crept in. We won’t be able to get out there again until the end of October, which bums me out more than you can imagine. I can’t wait until the kids are more self-sufficient and I can sneak off to the place by myself in the middle of the week. 

Heat wave

Our week long wicked heat wave has finally come to an end, and temperatures are headed to the low 70s by next week. It’s symbolic for me - event is over, summer is over, moving on to the new phase. 

I had wanted to spend the weekend at the cabin last weekend but knew temperatures may not allow it; I was correct, it was 104°. But we did have tickets to Polyphonic Spree at Pappy & Harriet’s in Pioneertown, so we opted to just drive out for the night. I had a lot of misgivings about the whole plan - keeping the kids out late, at a bar, in the heat, to see a band I barely know and they don’t know at all? It was looking like a “better in concept” situation for a minute. But thankfully it all worked out. The last time we tried to go to Pappy & Harriet’s was during the pandemic when everything was sort of half-open and disheveled; this time it was a really good experience, with good food and cool people. We even got to sit in a booth and watch the band, so Theo could lie down and I didn’t have to stand. And the band, in that tiny space, was fantastic. They always have stellar music there. I looked at the H and said when the kids are graduated from school we seriously need to just move out there and go to concerts and enjoy our lives. I was half kidding. 

I’m pleased to report so far, a month into the new school year, both kids are doing great. As you know I had concerns about Bobby just because of all the changes, but so far he seems to be managing his time and doing his work with minimal complaint, as is Theo. The library pickups have worked out great, and that’s been a huge relief. 

Right now I’m anxiously awaiting my house pay off quote - I made the mistake of googling the topic today and found that in most cases the pay off price will be more than your posted balance. However, it doesn’t look like much more - maybe $3000? So I shouldn’t be in for any huge surprises, but again, I just don’t know. And I don’t know when exactly this quote will arrive in the mail. I may not get it until next week some time. Getting all of that squared away and paid and recorded will be amazing. I don’t feel I can really exhale until that happens.

Speaking of exhaling, I was also able to exhale a bit after last night’s presidential debate, which I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety about. The H came home early to watch with me and then we watched hours of analysis after. I’m glad to be with someone who’s on the same page about this stuff as me - and who has the same level of interest. While I was kind of hoping the orange turd would drop dead on live TV, short of that, I’ll take what we got, which was him looking ridiculous and on the defensive and Kamala being fierce and controlled. Will this win us the election? I don’t know - my certainty in that department has been waning lately - but I know it didn’t hurt us. Two more months. God (that I don’t believe in) help us all.

A week out (nearly)

The event is officially over when all the boxes are put away in the shed, and that finally happened today. With the closing and locking of the shed door, it is now time to look forward.

I still have a few payments to make due to vendors lagging in sending invoices, but it’s a small and manageable amount, so I’m finally able to do some real calculations and determine that yes, in fact, I can pay off my house this month. I submitted a request for a payoff quote which should arrive in about a week, and then it’ll happen. Money will be tight after until I release contest registration in February - I may have to dip into my loan - but I will be mortgage-free, hopefully forever if I play my cards right. Unless there’s some ugly surprise like a pre-payment penalty or something like that, I should be able to do it. This is significant also in that it officially marks the end of my New Orleans debt from when I bought a four plex in 2005 that got wiped out by Katrina; most of what I’m paying now is not my original loan but the $250,000 in debt I piled on to this house from that mess. Hey, it only took nineteen years. 

In a shocking decision, the hotel agreed to pay all of my overages from their double booking error; I never would have expected that, and I am extremely grateful. Maybe they’re not so keen to get rid of me after all. 

I still have some loose ends to tie up next week but mostly I’m done. The project I want to focus on now is upgrading the boys’ room. It’s pretty embarrassing that I have an almost 13-year-old in a room that still has toddler-sized furniture in it; their room has always been a hot mess, with junk everywhere and scrapes on the walls and posters barely held up with scotch tape. It really needs a complete overhaul, with new paint and a desk and new beds. They say they want twin beds rather than a bunk bed, so we’ll figure out how to make that work; they also need a desk somewhere. Bobby has not asked about sleeping up in the attic, so hopefully that idea is on the back burner. I don’t know when or how we’re going to do all of this, but I plan to get it done before the end of the year. It’s weird to think this new bedroom setup could be their final one in this house, and that in as little as six years Bobby could be on his own. My how the time flies!

The After Times

It’s the day I always dream of - the day after my event, with a house full of boxes and laundry and an empty refrigerator. It’s over, and we survived, and everything went, and the customers are happy. 

To be honest I’m feeling meh about everything, and I don’t think it’s just the exhaustion talking. The event did have an abnormally high number of stressors this year - tons of flakiness with judges, teachers, and competitors, having to make way for celebrity visitors which stresses me out, the hotel once again dropping the ball on air conditioning, water, parking, and internet connections, a person freaking out because someone else was wearing a pro-Palestine t shirt, having to kick out two creepers who both threatened lawsuits (one already had a lawyer contact me), a friend using my event as leverage to call out another event and now that event is all angry, a teacher phoning in the morning of that they weren’t going to make it, my main teachers/competitors having a severe brain injury and barely making it through the weekend, an old friend’s girlfriend talking shit and having to confront them about it, etc etc etc. It’s all just so, so exhausting. 

Every organizer I’ve talked to lately has expressed a severe level of burnout, and I’m no different. My mind can’t help but wander to thinking about how great it would be to just not have to do this anymore - to just say fuck it and wander off into the desert and make macrame plant holders. This year I really felt my age - I didn’t dance at all, and for the first time ever didn’t come down and socialize late night Sunday. I had to buy an emergency pair of shoes because the heels I brought hurt my arthritic toe too much, and despite babying my voice all weekend it was still very difficult and extremely stressful trying to sing at half my usual capacity. For the first time I had to seriously ask myself…how much longer can I realistically do this? Will I really make it another twenty years? 

It’s fair to say there was little to no joy in it - it was just something I had to suffer through and survive. It’s always been this way, but somehow this year was especially mentally draining. Must one enjoy one’s occupation? Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. I do take pride in it, and it is meaningful to me, but boy is it all a royal pain in the ass. I feel like every year we just barely pull it off. 

The real question is the money, and I have no answers yet and probably won’t for at least another couple of weeks. So many of my payments to people are still pending, I don’t know what my actual costs are going to be, and I’m still waiting on the money Stripe is holding hostage for another week. Pre-sales for next year went well. But I made less money during the weekend by a few thousand dollars, and a lot less cash. I wish I knew right now if I’ll be able to pay off my house by October - that would be a huge boost to my spirits - but I just don’t know yet. Too many variables that could swing things too many thousands of dollars either way. 

A few days before the event I was driving home from the Y and was thinking about all the chaotic last minute customer service emails and work I still had to do, and I glanced over at a cemetery on the right side of the road and thought, “that looks so relaxing.” I laughed. But my brain had a good point. 

In other news, in my usual frenzy to fill the school break vacuum with something fun, on a whim I submitted an application for a permit to hike The Wave in Arizona, one of these rare bucket list items that apparently only 8% of lottery applicants get selected for. Well, guess what? We got a permit for Dec 30th. So it looks like an Arizona Christmas for us! Now I have to plan an inexpensive road trip around The Wave and figure out how that all works. Adventures await. 

Countdown

My kid pickup woes have been solved - I decided to have both kids head to the library after school, and it’s been a dream. Bobby seems ok with the .8 mile walk, maybe because so many other kids walk that direction after school; I’m sure it’s less awkward than standing around waiting for me. So I head out at 3:45 each day - way better than 2:15 - pull easily into the parking lot, and that’s it. I hope it continues to be this easy for the next two years. It’s amazing how stressed I was doing all that driving back and forth and didn’t even realize it. God bless our libraries, for real. 

Week two of school has concluded and I think Bobby’s doing ok - he seems to have mostly recovered from the shock of it all and is no longer actively complaining about the additional work. Luckily I can make it to his open house night, because it’s Wednesday, but not Theo’s because it’s the night before my event. It’s insane to me that I’m talking about my event in terms of it being just a week away - I even know the forecast (thankfully, mild). How is it going? Well, I announced the additional day for 2025 today amidst much fanfare, and everyone’s excited about it. I sincerely hope it does what I want and gets people pumped to show up next year - more than have been. The situation with the extra costs due to the short setup time continues; sure enough, the hotel wants my sound guy to parse out exactly which costs are associated with the actual spaces they were in breach of my contract on and not the others, which he refuses to do…ugh it’s all messy. I’m going to end up eating it, I think. I’ve stressed out so much about it I have no stress left to give it. 

I’m so full of decision fatigue that all I can do is give my brain breaks by thinking about other things - planning the holidays, for example. We currently have zero plans for any school breaks going forward except a vague one to go to Yellowstone next summer; Thanksgiving and Christmas are empty. My sister was supposed to visit but gave up because it’s all just too expensive. So once again my thoughts drift to the almost 200,000 Marriott points and over 200,000 miles I have on United. Part of me would like to pull off another Big Island trip so we can take the boys on the late night manta ray tour - they’re well old enough now, and it’s pretty spectacular (and only exists in two places on the planet). The miles aren’t quite enough to get us there and back…but could get us there, with a $500-$600 cost per person to return on another airline. We could also go to Mexico, but for how violently ill I’ve gotten the last couple of times I’ve been there, I’m not too keen, honestly. We could just do nothing, or go to the cabin briefly, but I’d rather spend Thanksgiving out there. Another part of me wants to do something really spectacular and go to Iceland or something…but I don’t know what fantasy world I live in that I could afford that, especially this year. 

Yesterday we had a freak emergency when I discovered our refrigerator had quit; of course you never notice these things until all your ice cream is slush and the milk is bad. Despite how badly this went last time, this time, so far, we got it repaired quickly and cheaply and only lost a few frozen items. I now have a fridge and freezer thermometer so it won’t get so out of hand again; and there will be a next time, believe me. This refurbished fridge has already outlasted its proposed lifespan at six years - I don’t expect it to last much longer. But just please, past my event. 

Here are the boys watching the DNC with me. 

First week

The first week of school has completed, and we’re all breathing a sigh of relief. The jr high pickup situation continues to be a disaster - there’s just TOO MANY KIDS. Also, I thought I could handle two pickups until my event is over, but I can’t. It’s two full hours of my life - from 2 pm until 4 pm - of driving back and forth every day. Theo asked when he was going to start doing “the library thing” and I figured Monday was as good a time as any. So on that day I’ll pick him up and walk him over to the library - we drove by today just so he knows what it looks like - and take him in and get a sense of what it’s like, how many kids are there, how chaotic it is or isn’t, etc. His 5th grade teacher is putting a big emphasis on reading, and I’m hoping this will be the year reading kicks in for him. She has him reading 30 min every night, and also reading during class. He told me he randomly picked The Diary of Anne Frank, which blew my mind. I read it in I think 6th grade, and it prompted a lifelong love of journal keeping (now this blog), not to mention a lifelong study of the horrors of the Holocaust in general. I told him all the facts I knew about her story - that you can still visit their hiding place in Amsterdam; that when the play premiered on Broadway and the final curtain went down the audience was completely silent; that Anne died just weeks before the camps were liberated. I hope he gets something out of that book - it loomed huge in my young life.

So hopefully starting Tuesday I can just do one pickup - SOMEHOW find a better spot to pick up Bobby - and then head to the library to get Theo who will have been there about an hour. It also occurred to me that on the final day of my event, when the kids are in school but we’re at the hotel packing up - although last year we did manage to make it home in time to pick up the kids (I had a friend pick them up just in case), we still need a plan in case we get stuck there. So I’ll have both Theo and Bobby walk to the library. I’ll have to print a map or something for Bobby, also show him where it is. Then I won’t have to worry that they’ll be standing around on the street while we’re stuck in traffic or something.

It’s hard to say how school is going for Bobby - he’s still stubbornly refusing to use his planner, which apparently is common among 7th grade boys - and during the week he definitely expressed a lot of dismay about the work and how complicated everything is now. I’m low-key worried about him, and wishing he hadn’t selected quite so many honors classes. But I also don’t have much mental space to really think about this at the moment, and it’s too early to tell how he’s actually doing. I’ve got a lot on my plate, to say the least.

After a lot of back and forth, I’ve decided to go ahead and add that additional day next year. I wrote out a detailed budget and a conservative estimate of how much of that extra expense I think could be covered, and it all seemed very doable. So I sat down and put together the whole updated schedule, contacted the friends who run the Thursday night venue I’ll be conflicting with, told more peripheral staff members, and the announcement will launch next week. I’m committing to it, now, and it’s a bit scary. But it’s also necessary, I think - other than moving to Labor Day in 2013, I’ve been doing everything exactly the same for many years. It’s time to shake things up and breathe new life into the thing as we head into our next quarter century.

First day of school

Today was the first day of 7th grade for Bobby and 5th grade for Theo. It was the first time dropping Theo alone at the safety valet, and then finding my way over to the giant jr/sr high school for Bobby (who unfortunately will probably always be a half hour early). I wasn’t sure where to drop him off, so I just pulled over on a not busy part of the main drag where he could see the entrance and watched him get out. He gave me a genuine look of, “well, here I go!”as he got out, and I said, “it’s going to be ok, honey!”, and then I watched him walk down the street and into the school entrance all by himself. And that was that.

Upon pickup, Theo was full of stories of his first day; lots of talk about the large earthquake that struck while I was in the shower (biggest one I’ve felt since Northridge - it was right under us) - the kids were evacuated briefly. Never a dull moment. I thought we could pull over and wait for Bobby, but it was still so early that I decided to come home and use the bathroom and wash hands and drop our stuff and then turn back around to pick up Bobby and go to First Day of School Ice Cream. 

There was quite a traffic jam to pick up the high school kids; almost all of them appeared to be headed to Eagle Rock Blvd on their own. I wonder if there’s a bus line that would get B home…? Anyway, thanks to modern technology we were able to find each other. He said his first day was “interesting”. He seemed happy, though, as his fears of not being able to find his classes abated. He also reconnected with a lot of friends from his old school that he hadn’t seen all last year, which was nice. I was glad he had people to sit with at lunch (always a mine field for kids this age). 

So for both kids there was no work today, but I imagine at least for Bobby all that will kick in fast. I don’t know how that’s going to go. I’m still worried about all these Honors classes he’s in. I guess only time will tell.

Today I busied myself with the fussier projects for my event, and had to shut down comments on my public apology post because people were getting too ugly. I have not heard from the friend I offended, and I may never. Sigh.

I am back on my workout schedule and am quite happy about that. Tomorrow bright and early I’m back to my Pilates class I haven’t been able to take for two months, same for Friday’s strength training class. Tonight I did yoga. I’m pretty convinced having a regular yoga practice has helped keep me sane during these rough waters for the last week. Still a lot to do. In a little over two weeks we pack up and go. Too fast. On the way back from yoga I was fantasizing about paying off my house, moving out, renting it, moving out to the desert, and never doing my event again. If my kids weren’t school aged that plan would sound awfully appealing right now.

Here’s the boys, before and after.

The night before

The boys start school tomorrow, and I’m bummed that I won’t be here tonight to have a nice family dinner or get them to bed. I’m at Knott’s, of course. Three more Sundays there and we’re done for the season.

So in a couple of hours I’ll have them get their backpacks together - Theo has finally graduated from the character backpacks and ordered a plain black one - putting in whatever supplies I *think* they’ll need, since there’s no real guidance on this this year - and then give Bobby his “starting 7th grade” present which is a Vidiots hoodie. Then tomorrow it all begins. Early wakeups, figuring out breakfast, driving to two different schools for the first time since 2019. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact that summer is over, as far as the kids are concerned, and we’re back in “school mode”. It’s less stressful than last year’s switch to a new school, but still full of new routines. I’ll definitely be curious what Bobby has to say at the end of the day. Most likely it will be a shrug and “it was fine”, ha ha.

More shit piled on me at the end of the week - one, a person I’d been putting off formally banning had to be banned because he won a free pass to my event in a contest and was trying to redeem it, so we had to send him an email and then I hid from my email for two days, fearing the repercussions; and I posted my themes for my event, usually a fun and joyful moment, and in the middle of the night got a message from a much beloved customer that they found the theme deeply offensive, and several other people on IG chimed in as well, causing me to have to pull the whole campaign (very complex for someone like me who doesn’t fully understand how all these stories, reels, and posts work) and issue a formal public apology, which is something I’ve never had to do in my 26 years in this business. It was a mess, and there’s a right wing (these offended people are just snowflakes!) vs left wing (you have to be sensitive to people’s feelings about things!) argument on my business FB page that’s been raging since Friday and getting uglier and uglier. I’ve gotten a lot of praise for my apology, which, as much as it’s kind of people to do so, turns my stomach a little because I didn’t apologize to look like a good person, I apologized because it was the right thing to do. The issue of offense was something I never in a million years could have predicted - many people private messaged me, “I still don’t get why people are offended by this” - so it is a bit of a stretch. However, it doesn’t matter if I think it’s a stretch. I’m upset that I didn’t see this - nobody did - and as I sat unraveling all of this and feeling like a jerk, I told myself, “you know, as much as you try not to, sometimes you’re just going to be That Clueless White Lady”. It sucks, but it’s true. My customer has read, and not responded to, my personal apology to her. She may never, and I’m just going to have to live with that, the possibility that she’ll just never forgive me. 

Saturday morning a fellow organizer called to ask my opinion on a situation they are dealing with, in which a competitor wore what could be perceived as an anti-Israel shirt in one of their contests and they were trying to figure out whether to hide the video or post it. It dawned on me that I may have to deal with this issue at my event, too, so my staff and I came up with a plan that hopefully we can all stand by and live with. Isn’t dance camp organizing fun??

Last week was the absolute worst. But I think I managed to get through it without completely spiraling. It’s very helpful when your baseline of happiness is already pretty high - it wasn’t too hard to get back to that, once the dust settled. I feel beat up but I’m just continuing to move forward, as I must. I have just two and a half weeks to get every single thing done. Pray for me. 

Here’s a picture from a fancy dress up belated birthday dinner I had Friday night.

Orientation

Today was Bobby’s new school orientation. I dropped Theo at camp and we went alone (the H joined until he had to leave for work). It wasn’t mostly useful except to tell us where he has to go Monday morning (the auditorium), how to get a Chromebook (I requested one online while there and was able to get one minutes later - phew), and the opportunity to buy PE uniforms (cash only so we had to leave to find an atm and come back). I saw several familiar parents there - including a guy who plays sax in our orchestra - but B didn’t want to stay for the tour so we missed out on that chance to socialize. I hope I don’t go through this entire school not making any parent friends, either, but I just might. 

On our way in (of course I was the first to arrive - hello, anxiety disorder!) I mused to Bobby how we would look back on this day, how this school will most likely be in our lives until 2032, and how different everything will be, then. 

At least now I know what to prepare for Monday - other than his Chromebook, Bobby doesn’t really need any supplies; I printed out his list of classes and teachers that became available a couple of days ago (he got Spanish and illustration as he wanted) so he has that information - I got him a haircut, and we went to In N Out for lunch. I asked him if he was nervous, and he said yes, he was nervous about not being able to find where his classes are and that he won’t be able to move from class to class in time each day. I can see how moving from one class to another for the first time could be daunting. But I assured him it’s a 100 year old school and it’s set up for him to succeed - they’re not going to make things intentionally difficult or impossible, and that every 7th grader will be in the same boat. I gave him my one piece of advice based on my experience in high school, that once I got involved in the school - joined some clubs, started volunteering for things - I had a much better time and made friends. He’s very much like me in that he’ll hermit himself if nobody draws him out. So hopefully he heeds that.

Tomorrow I have set aside for Theo’s school stuff - I’ll go pick up some supplies (apparently not mandatory at his school - just wish list stuff, so I’ll have to use my judgement as far as what to send him with Monday), and also swing by his school to check if the teacher he’s assigned is actually the gifted cluster teacher, since she’s not the one his teacher last year told me he should get. They screwed this up last year so I want to make sure he’s not put in the wrong class again.

Things were going smoothly with the event - numbers are good; only about 10-15 people off from last year, after all my stressing about it - until yesterday, when the hotel called to say they’d accidentally double booked another event on top of our setup time on Thursday and Friday, meaning half of my space isn’t available for setup until just hours before we need it, and we’ve got two days worth of dance floor and a/v equipment to install. It’s a nightmare. My a/v guy is coming up with a plan on how to try to make it all work - but it’ll cost, and now I’ll have to fight with the hotel over paying that. And it’s just going to stress us all out - I’m going to have to move a bunch of people booked for rehearsals, and we’ll arrive Thursday night with possibly nowhere to put all our stuff. Just, ugh. It’s always something. Let’s just hope this is the worst “something”. Right now, too, is when all the last minute special requests come in - an elderly lady wanting me to raise money to get her a hotel room and also rides to and from the hotel; teachers wanting me to rearrange the teaching schedule so they have more rest time to be in all the contests I really needed them to judge instead; customers asking if the hotel will offer gluten free food options for lunch, a customer who’s husband sadly died a few months ago wanting me to find a worthy person to donate his pass to, etc etc etc. This is 100% my job right now and 100% the reason I have the free time and flexibility I have in my life, so I’m not complaining. But I reserve the right to complain just a little.

Almost school time

It’s two more weeks of rec center camp and then school, and I am so not ready for all that that means - mainly, the buying of supplies, the reams of paperwork, the urgency to get to bed sooner, the nagging to do homework. I keep checking the boys’ school websites for supply lists but none are forthcoming. At least Bobby has an orientation next Thursday that we’ll both go to. But I’d much rather be getting on top of this stuff now. 

The one positive about kids in school is I can return to my workout routines. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to get to any classes right now - they all start right when the kids are being dropped off at camp - and evening classes keep getting canceled. It’s also too hot to do afternoon walks (although this week might be doable), so my diet and exercise have taken a back seat, and I hate it. I’ll have to remember this next year - do not attempt to lose weight in July or August. I’m too stressed out and it’s just impossible.

While things are mostly under control with my event - as usual, I have a million plates spinning that are all waiting on people to respond to my emails - I have to admit I’m in a pretty dark place right now. My refund cut off date is in two days, so the refund requests are pouring in. All I do all day is hand people’s money back to them, which is absolutely soul crushing. And the price increase, also coming in two days, which used to guarantee hundreds of people right when I needed a boost, these days does little to nothing to boost sales. It’s completely baffling how much people’s behavior has changed since covid. The last two years I have gotten barely a dribble of people at the end, and this year is looking no different. I’ll be lucky to get 100 people in the next five weeks, and I’ve gotten about 60 refund requests with more coming, which pretty much cancels out the gains I’d be making. It just sucks, all around, and is extremely disincentivizing. It’s Monday and I’ve got a ton of work to do, but I really just want to go back to bed.

Crunch time

My, how many lifetimes we’ve lived in the last two weeks! Between an assassination attempt, an historic step down, and a new presumptive nominee, my head is whirling just like everyone else’s. The combination of anxiety over “will he or won’t he” last week plus lingering jet lag led to many sleepless nights and days ruined by long naps; it’s been hard to get back in the swing of things. I have been tackling the more complicated event tasks methodically day by day, but trying to make it to exercise classes has suffered (the timing is just off with the camp schedule) and I’m still procrastinating on certain things. But now that Kamala is the presumptive new Democratic nominee, I feel like I can breathe a big sigh of relief - the intense anxiety I’ve felt since that disastrous debate a month ago has subsided, and I feel like everything is going as it should. We had to see Biden for what he’d become - as painful as it was - and thankfully he was able to put ego aside and make way for a female POC presidential nominee. I’m pretty confident she’ll win. And I’m over the moon about it. 

Each day upon my return has been a struggle - getting out of bed is tough, making the kids breakfast is a drag (Bobby is fine with cereal, but Theo’s become impossibly picky and will only eat applesauce or egg and cheese quesadillas which are a whole multi-pan production to make), and just picking my way through each day has been exhausting and difficult. I’m hoping I rally soon, but also, this is the hard time of year whether I’m jet lagged or not. There’s work 24 hours a day right now, whether I choose to do it or not, and my stress level is now something that needs to be managed daily so it doesn’t get out of control. 

The kids are on week two of camp - in just a couple of weeks we have Bobby’s school orientation and then it’s all school stuff after that point. Supplies, clothes, shoes, backpacks, paperwork, figuring out pick ups and drop offs. It’s a whole thing.

Last night I took a chance and took the kids to see the 1970s Invasion of the Body Snatchers at the local revival theater. It was definitely too scary for them, especially Theo, who alternated between hiding in his shirt and saying, “oh, I don’t like this”. But nobody cried or seemed especially distressed or asked to leave, so we stayed. Both boys thought it was a good movie - and both said it was really, really scary. I gave them some context about McCarthyism and the red scare of the 1950s which was the inspiration for the original film; we talked about how it was about the dangers of conformity and how people will never stop fighting for their right to humanity and individualism. Nobody had nightmares. But I do think I probably should have waited another year or two for this one! Next week we have Time Bandits and Rocky. Definitely not scary. 

I’m worried about money, but that’s no surprise to anyone who reads this. Sign ups are still slow as molasses and cancellations are flooding in. I’ve come to accept that my worst suspicions may be true - that the mediocre numbers I got last year were, in fact, an actual “bump” for the 25th, and what I’m looking at right now - being 300-400 people less than my best years before the pandemic - may be my new normal. Can I live with that? Yes, if I can manage to wipe out my mortgage, live frugally, and cancel plans to expand. But it’s certainly troubling that I could be back to my post-2008 crash numbers, especially when I’ve had two other long-term organizers tell me they had record turnouts this year. I shouldn’t be struggling to return after covid if no one else is. And yet. Is there a chance I’ll get a last minute bump? Well, I think it’s unlikely, based on the fact that I haven’t had anything like that the last two years; based on ‘22 and ‘23 at this time, I’ll be lucky to get *maybe* 100 more people dribbling in over the next six weeks, and that’s just not enough. Mostly it’s because there’s no cheap rooms at the hotel. I need to find a way to mitigate that; there has to be some strategy going forward so everyone doesn’t book all the rooms a year in advance and then cancel them all the day before when it’s too late to re-sell them, which disincentivizes any new people from signing up. I’m going to just have to lick my wounds this year and see what changes I can make next year to try to kick up my numbers again.

52

Today I am 52. Although, to be fair, I’ve been calling myself 52 for some weeks now, because why not. It’s funny, the thing I think about most for this age is menopause, but that’s not happening for me yet. Still having periods, although irregular now, and zero symptoms other than disrupted sleep and a general low level irritability which could better be attributed to living in Trump’s America. I’m well aware of the potential hell bearing down on me in the next few years, though, and I’m very much not looking forward to that. But for now? Still flowin’.

I returned from Korea yesterday, with lessons learned for the future (this event says they want us back). I was off my international travel game - forgot to bring snacks or a backup phone battery, both of which would have made my visit a lot more enjoyable. This trip was different from our last few in that the event was very different - on Jeju island, rather than in Seoul, and it was a festival with many other bands, not a small local event focused only on us. Because it was a festival set up, it was a lot like Munich back in February - lots of sitting around bored and then frantically setting up and breaking down multiple times a night. When you share a stage with other bands, it means your “gig time” is much longer than a night of three consecutive sets - say, five hours vs eight or ten. On Saturday we had an epic ten hour day with a very complicated and messy beach set up in the rain; I had diarrhea all day, and a shitty dinner of boiled spinach and white rice, and was just miserable. The weather didn’t cooperate, was cold and rainy, so despite being right on the beach I never got to enjoy it (I went for a little walk on the first day when it was sunny for a couple of hours, but that was it), and although the organizers were very kind and accommodating of my being a vegetarian, I mostly just ate rice and vegetables and sugary things, and had to endure meat juice from Korean bbq places splattering on my clothes pretty much every night. I’m not going to say it was a bad trip - a free trip to Korea is a free trip to Korea - but it was very physically demanding, and I was glad when it was over. 

I came home to some bad news and some very good news. The bad news is, I’m not doing well financially. My event sales have been slow, and the refund requests have gotten so out of hand that I’m considering a “no refund” policy going forward. Six weeks out, I can say with much chagrin that I will not have better attendance this year - in fact, I’ve fallen behind now. Which sucks, and puts a lot of things in jeopardy. I might try to cancel the expansion of a day, going forward. I just don’t think I can afford it. I haven’t announced it, and I’m pretty sure I could get the hotel to take it out of my contract if I asked. I’ll wait another month to see how things stand, but right now I’d be crazy to take on another $20,000 in expenses with no real way to recoup that money (I can’t realistically raise prices enough). I may, once again, find myself in a period of contraction, not expansion. But I won’t know for sure for about a month. 

The very good news, however, is so good that I haven’t really been able to wrap my mind around what a relief it is. My covid grant is officially no longer “under review”. Right before getting on the plane, I got an email from the SBA saying I had an “action item” on the website, with instructions on how to upload documents. I couldn’t log on to see exactly what it was, but it didn’t look good. So I had to spend the entire 12 hour flight stressing out about it until I could get home and get on my computer. But, much to my delight, it was just a letter thanking me for sending the information they asked, and telling me I’m no longer under review. I cried. This has been hanging over me for, what, a year and a half? Five years, if you consider when I first applied and worried I might end up in a situation like this. I won’t really exhale until I do the closeout documents - it ain’t over yet - but I do think this means I’m officially off the hook. Happy birthday to me!!

Came home to the boys of course both looking like teenagers. They had a good time at their sleepaway camp, and the start of the rec center camp has gone well, although, as I suspected, they are the only older kids there. It makes me sad that these charming little local camps are now in our rear view mirror. I really enjoyed these summers of little city camps. I could still look into CIT programs for Bobby - he did say he was interested - although a year from now he may change his mind. Anyway, that’s a problem for another day.

Today I’m going to catch up on work and rest and enjoy the quiet of an empty house, later we’ll go to dinner, and then tomorrow my diet is back on. 

Leaving on a jet plane

Early tomorrow I leave for S Korea, and am gone for nearly a week, returning Tuesday. Unsurprisingly, despite my car being promised today, I never heard a word from the dealer. My message went unanswered, and now they’re closed. I had originally intended to return the loaner car no matter what, but decided, fuck it. They left me hanging with no communication, that’s on them. They know I’m out of the country for a week. So, screw it. The loaner sits in the garage and at least I have something to drive when I get home.

I dropped the kids at sleepaway camp on Sunday, officially ending our Summer of Sloth - other than weekends, there will be no more entire days spent playing video games in pyjamas with unbrushed teeth. They’ll be at camp until Sunday, then the H picks them up and takes them to the rec center camp Monday and Tuesday while I make my way home. Then they’re in camp until school starts in just four weeks. My how the summer has flown! I can’t believe it’s time to think about school already.

Bobby is required to do two book reports before starting 7th grade, and naturally it’s been challenging to get him to work on them. I had hoped he’d finish one before sleepaway camp; he got about 75% of the way there. He took the book for the second one with him; I hope he makes some headway. The last thing I wanted was him to frantically cram them both through in the final days before school when I’m also too busy with my event to follow up; hopefully we can avoid that. I guarantee every parent with a kid starting 7th at that school is having the same struggle. 

There’s an orientation coming up that we’ll go to together; hopefully that will help me get a grip on the big changes this year. I personally predict a certain learning curve for us both. Bobby is going to have to learn how to prioritize and organize, which he (and every other 12-year-old boy) is not great at. He’s going to have to learn that keeping track of your work is almost more important than the work itself. I’ll be damned if I’ll let him be one of those kids that “would do so well if he just applied himself”. Eff that. I don’t want to hear any nonsense about “I forgot to turn it in” or “I forgot it was due”. Try telling that to the IRS, buddy! This is where you learn consequences. 

For me, I got a lot of tasks done this week, but side stepped the big ones - organizing the class schedule and judging schedule - because they require information from people that I don’t have. I hate that these things aren’t done yet - they should have been completed weeks ago - but here we are. I’m hoping that at least with all the ordering of items and reserving rentals out of the way that when I return I can focus on just those things and customer service. When I’m back and have no more long trips looming ahead of me and the house to myself all day, I can finally truly focus. This, plus getting back to my diet and exercise which have had to be completely abandoned in light of all this travel. I have NOT met my weight loss goals for Korea and will not meet them for my event, either, and I’m pretty bummed about that. But I did a lot of good work before mid-June hit - lost 11 pounds - and know the path forward now; so, maybe I meet my goals by October or November instead. It’s not a sprint but a marathon, I guess. 

Last 4th in a free country…?

I’m not unaware that my petty car problems pale in comparison to the massive upheaval currently occurring in our country right now. I just haven’t had space in my brain to really focus on any of it (especially when, other than voting and local grass roots stuff, there isn’t a goddamn thing I can personally do about it). Once again, we’re here on our country’s Independence Day, possibly facing the last one with an actual democratically elected President instead of a dictator. The level of anxiety among my leftist friends is at an all time high. 

This morning the H and I had a productive conversation about Biden stepping down. I still think it’s highly unlikely, however, he says, “let’s see how this plays out over the next couple of weeks”. Everyone’s watching the polls, and the polls, for Biden, are not good. Shockingly, Harris, the only realistic replacement, is actually doing better. I personally would love to see Harris take over, and I believe Biden could pass the wand to her with minimal loss of face. I find that idea very exciting. However…it may not happen. And I need to prepare for that. It’s hard to focus on celebrating today with all this swirling around.

I spent another ENTIRE DAY dealing with my car yesterday, only to be right back at square one - the car needs an $800 battery replacement, and the battery won’t be here until the day before I leave for Korea (I leave Wednesday). Thankfully I have a loaner car, which I’ll just return on Tuesday if the battery doesn’t arrive. The timing is terrible. I hope it all works out. 

Today is the first day I’ve been able to just relax in weeks. The kids are in the pool; the H is working. Later we’ll go check out some fireworks. Tomorrow we have to be out of the house all day for the cleaning lady, so I’ll sacrifice one more precious work day to take the kids to a water park as promised, then the kids go to summer camp on Sunday. Then I have two kid-free days to frantically get work done before I go to Korea for a week; when I get home, these long days of kids at home will be over - they’ll be at their rec center summer camp all day every day for four weeks, then school starts. I’m going to have to really hustle - I’ve never been so behind on tasks before. It fills me with anxiety - and yet, much like our political nightmare, I know there’s not much I can do other than continue to march forward.

When I took my friend to the Integratron a few weeks ago for a sound bath, the whole place smelled sweetly of Palo santo, which I love, so I bought some in New Mexico. I’ve been smelling the cedar-y, minty sticks every time I get anxious. It seems to be helping, if only for the placebo effect of stopping activity to take a minute to breathe deeply and quiet my mind. I told my head judge I’m going to keep giant logs of it on stage at my event and we can all just bury our faces in it all weekend. 

Memories are made of this, part 2

Our visit to the OG Meow Wolf was all I’d hoped - the kids loved it, and the creativity of the place was inspiring and delightful. I will admit, though, that after two hours I was well ready to get the hell out of there (the boomer reviews saying it was overstimulating weren’t wrong). 

We then drove down to Carlsbad to visit the caverns the next day. Upon arrival we found ourself in the position we often have been in on our trips - arriving to a place after all dinner options have closed, with not a stitch of food to be found anywhere nearby, and half the hotel’s promised amenities closed or not functional. That was Thursday, and the whole evening was overshadowed by the disastrous presidential debate - we watched it while eating chips and dip for dinner - and then spent the rest of the night obsessively texting friends and listening to post-debate analysis which was all impossibly grim. I’ll say right now that the debate has, and continues to, cast a pall over our remaining time on the trip. Thankfully we had the Carlsbad Caverns and bat flight from the caverns the next day to lose ourselves in, but it was difficult to forget the sight of our democracy crumbling right before our eyes.

After the caverns it was time for our multi-day trip back west, and here’s where things started to get disorganized and messy. On this leg of the journey, we dealt with extreme heat and giant electrical storms that knocked out entire cities’ power, so some of my plans had to be canceled, and we had many harrowing drives through lightning that had me absolutely terrified of our car getting hit (the H said he’d been through that and it was no big deal, but with my fear of sudden loud noises I was an absolute wreck). We only had a few minutes at White Sands National Park because it was too hot and lightning was on our back, and then an all day excursion to the Gila Cliff dwellings had to be scrapped entirely due to weather and just not having enough time (and being generally exhausted). 

I took us to the world’s largest pistachio in Alamogordo which no one gave a shit about but me, we spent a very hot and unpleasant afternoon in Tombstone as an unplanned stop which I kind of wish we’d skipped (again, everything was closing, nothing to eat but shitty nachos which gave me diarrhea just as all the places with bathrooms were shutting their doors, and the H pressured us into doing this gun show slash tour which was so loud I immediately ran away and cowered blocks away by myself in the heat for nearly an hour until the stupid thing was over, and he was frustrated with me for hemming and hawing about committing to doing it because I knew it was going to be my worst nightmare and it was), then spent one final night at a hipster hotel in Tucson (the McCoy) which ended up being tons of fun with a DJ’d pool party and some of the best vegan sushi I’ve ever had. Then Monday we had a seven hour drive home, and then it was over. 

So how was the trip? Again, mostly good, memorable, and whatever mistakes I made in the planning couldn’t have been helped - things like weather can’t really be planned for. All of our lodgings worked out; we even finally got some fun on the water slides at the place by the caverns, once they were open; and the sight of hundreds of thousands of bats careening out of the cavern as we all sat silently in awe is not something I’ll soon forget. I wish the last few days hadn’t fallen apart the way they did, but I think we were all pretty over it by then anyway. We never went hungry due to the ridiculous amount of food we brought, and I spent *about* what I expected on restaurants and gas. Getting two high energy boys to bed each night in one hotel room was a bit brutal. Lots of jumping on beds and pillow fights and pulling the whole room apart and not listening. As always, I had to think for everyone, making sure we had what we needed for each thing we were doing, packing up hotel rooms every one or two days, planning ahead for not being able to get directions due to no cell service - it was extremely mentally draining. But there’s no helping it - I want to do these complicated trips, and only I can make them happen. So I really have no business complaining.

One of the sweetest moments was, at one point when conditions in our hotel room were especially chaotic, I joked that when we get home we should continue to all sleep in one bedroom. Everyone yelled out “noooo!” except Theo, who said, “yeah! That’d be nice!” How cute is that? 

Whenever I leave the house overnight I’m convinced a) the cat will die and/or b) someone will break in. Thankfully neither of those things happened, but I was left with a huge mess that ruined my day today and probably will ruin several more - despite having a neighbor start my car every few days so it wouldn’t die, the car was dead. I called AAA to jump it this morning so I could run errands, and he mentioned my battery was on its last legs and if I turned off the car it probably wouldn’t start again. This lead to a five hour odyssey which included, but was not limited to: calling a battery place the AAA guy recommended only to be told I’d have to get the battery through my dealer since my car’s a hybrid, calling the dealer to order the battery and being told it would cost $900 and wouldn’t be here for a week, then being told I’d have to personally come into the dealership to order it, getting to the dealer and having to run around and loudly demand somebody get someone in the service department to help me since nobody was available anywhere in the entire dealership (I guess everyone goes to lunch at the same time?), then being told by the service guy (who did not test anything) that no, I probably didn’t need the whole hybrid battery replaced but just the regular battery and anyone could do that, and I’d have to leave the car all day to get the battery replaced and so should just take it to some battery guy to get it done quickly and cheaply, then trying to leave but discovering I’d been blocked in and having to run around and ask everyone if that was their truck, half of whom completely ignored me and wouldn’t answer me until I started yelling, “hello???” in their faces, until finally it got moved, then going to the original battery guy I’d called who proceeded to COMPLETELY DISMANTLE MY CAR looking for the battery but couldn’t find it and then after an hour of this told me again I’d just have to go to the dealer, waiting for my car to be completely reassembled while calling the dealer multiple times and never even getting to voicemail but just being told nobody can take my call and to call back later, calling the H and sending him multiple pictures of my engine only to be told he can’t figure out where the battery is, either, then deciding I’m so goddamned hungry I have to grab something to eat and might as well take my chances and get groceries like I was supposed to even though I may not have a running car when I get back with bags of melting groceries, then deciding to check on the kids since they’ve been left alone now four hours and haven’t eaten anything, only to have Bobby not answer any calls or texts to the watch I had him put on before I left just in case, then deciding to use the tracking device on the watch and being shown that he’s inexplicably blocks away which got my heart pumping (thankfully I called Theo’s watch which he was not wearing and Bobby answered - he had his watch on silent mode (why???) - and everything was fine, no explanation as to why the watch’s tracking was so off, which it’s never ever been before), then trying two locations to return some red box videos we’d rented on the road only to find them both gone, then leaving multiple messages at multiple car dealers and repair places only to have none of the calls returned, and finally getting home to cook dinner and do three loads of laundry and all of my backed up event work and having to leave a window open on my car all night in case it dies and needs to be jumped again but we can’t get in to pop the hood to be jumped because someone broke the lock, and being convinced someone is going to steal it or sleep in it all night and ruin it because now anyone can break in or take it with the window open, and finally after multiple calls getting an appointment at 8 AM tomorrow, and now there’s this issue of leaking oil and that plus the weirdness of this battery issue means I may have no car for many days and I leave for Korea early next week. And have a gig an hour and a half away tomorrow, and dropping the kids at summer camp two and a half hours away on Sunday and then I immediately have to go sing at Knott’s and will barely make it if I make it on time at all. 

Today was unbelievably stressful and one of those rare days where you just feel like you’re going to lose it all day and I turned into the kind of person who gets in people’s faces and demands things and is not polite or friendly which is not like me at all. But right now everything is very uncertain - I would say maybe I’ll just take the car to the dealer and they’ll switch out the battery and it’ll be no big deal…but now is the perfect time to address the massive pool of oil under my car that I initially thought was from the H’s old car but as of today I know isn’t, and has to be fixed immediately. So I most likely will be without a car for a while. I don’t know what I’m going to do, tbh. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’m just going to take it one minute at a time. See, this is why I used to trade cars in every three years. Not a very happy homecoming.