To be honest I’m feeling meh about everything, and I don’t think it’s just the exhaustion talking. The event did have an abnormally high number of stressors this year - tons of flakiness with judges, teachers, and competitors, having to make way for celebrity visitors which stresses me out, the hotel once again dropping the ball on air conditioning, water, parking, and internet connections, a person freaking out because someone else was wearing a pro-Palestine t shirt, having to kick out two creepers who both threatened lawsuits (one already had a lawyer contact me), a friend using my event as leverage to call out another event and now that event is all angry, a teacher phoning in the morning of that they weren’t going to make it, my main teachers/competitors having a severe brain injury and barely making it through the weekend, an old friend’s girlfriend talking shit and having to confront them about it, etc etc etc. It’s all just so, so exhausting.
Every organizer I’ve talked to lately has expressed a severe level of burnout, and I’m no different. My mind can’t help but wander to thinking about how great it would be to just not have to do this anymore - to just say fuck it and wander off into the desert and make macrame plant holders. This year I really felt my age - I didn’t dance at all, and for the first time ever didn’t come down and socialize late night Sunday. I had to buy an emergency pair of shoes because the heels I brought hurt my arthritic toe too much, and despite babying my voice all weekend it was still very difficult and extremely stressful trying to sing at half my usual capacity. For the first time I had to seriously ask myself…how much longer can I realistically do this? Will I really make it another twenty years?
It’s fair to say there was little to no joy in it - it was just something I had to suffer through and survive. It’s always been this way, but somehow this year was especially mentally draining. Must one enjoy one’s occupation? Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. I do take pride in it, and it is meaningful to me, but boy is it all a royal pain in the ass. I feel like every year we just barely pull it off.
The real question is the money, and I have no answers yet and probably won’t for at least another couple of weeks. So many of my payments to people are still pending, I don’t know what my actual costs are going to be, and I’m still waiting on the money Stripe is holding hostage for another week. Pre-sales for next year went well. But I made less money during the weekend by a few thousand dollars, and a lot less cash. I wish I knew right now if I’ll be able to pay off my house by October - that would be a huge boost to my spirits - but I just don’t know yet. Too many variables that could swing things too many thousands of dollars either way.
A few days before the event I was driving home from the Y and was thinking about all the chaotic last minute customer service emails and work I still had to do, and I glanced over at a cemetery on the right side of the road and thought, “that looks so relaxing.” I laughed. But my brain had a good point.
In other news, in my usual frenzy to fill the school break vacuum with something fun, on a whim I submitted an application for a permit to hike The Wave in Arizona, one of these rare bucket list items that apparently only 8% of lottery applicants get selected for. Well, guess what? We got a permit for Dec 30th. So it looks like an Arizona Christmas for us! Now I have to plan an inexpensive road trip around The Wave and figure out how that all works. Adventures await.
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