The end of the world

We headed to the desert Friday night, and with the cameras now in place, it’s the first time we haven’t had to wonder if the place was even still standing. It was still there, and untouched, only coyote footprints around it to show any living beings had been out there.

Saturday we went to the wedding site to give the final payment, and as usual it was a bit of a disorganized mess finding the guy in charge and figuring out what’s owed at this point - thankfully I have all his texts outlining costs, so I wrote him a check which he stuck into his overstuffed wallet, and that was that. I have very little confidence that anything will be done properly there - thankfully, all they have to do is provide the space, and since they seem to have no idea what goes on there, I don’t anticipate anyone breathing down our necks about anything, which is nice. Now is the time when we just hold our breaths and dive in and hope for the best. 

Last night the wind kicked in - hard. We’ve experienced winds out there, but this was on a whole other level. A fire broke out at a house down the road and the F took off to see if he could help, so I made camping pizza in the cabin while the winds whipped around. By the time we got to bed - the fire was put out and nobody was hurt, thankfully - the cabin was being pummeled by relentless 50 mph winds. And all I could think was…is this place well built enough to withstand this? How much do we know about how this place was actually structured? What if it collapses, or tips over? We’d all die. We’d all die. 

I started to get so panicked that I woke the F up and told him I was really worried that we were in danger. He assured me he’d lived through similar wind storms when he lived in Chatsworth, that it was totally normal but he gets how freaky it can be if you’re not used to it. Remember, we were upstairs, so the place was creaking and shaking, and the cheap window was bowing inwards…and with no drywall or insulation it was really loud. Every time a new gust hit, adrenaline shot through my body. Had it just been me and the kids I would have thrown them in the car and taken off for a hotel. I think I finally fell asleep by 4 AM just from sheer exhaustion. 

I think a lot of my panic had to do with unprocessed feelings about the school shooting last week. Looking at my little fourth and second graders, it’s hideous to imagine this happening to them and an outrage that it happened to anyone. But I’m feeling it - the sadness, the rage, the helplessness. I don’t know what to do with all that.

However, we survived the night. The wind was still going much of the morning so we decided to head out. The F has to work tomorrow, and I could use a recovery day. I was reminded how we had the neighbor contractor apply hurricane straps to the roof and also bolt the whole building to the concrete slab. Had we not done those things, yes, there would be a chance of the roof blowing off, for sure. But even then, the dilapidated shacks around us withstood that storm. So I’m beginning to think that these places are hardier than we think. Still was terrifying, though. Now I can only hope the wind calms down by next Saturday - !

We’re in the final stretch now - I’m getting married in just six days. Nobody can catch covid or get in a car accident or get injured. The thing I’ve thought about pretty much non-stop since last July is about to be here. I’m starting to get nervous thinking about it. There are so many moving pieces and everything has to go just right, but at the same time, my experience with my event tells me that things will always go wrong and it’s never what you expect, and no amount of preparation is ever enough. And yet the whole thing is only four hours. It’ll be over in the blink of an eye. I hope it’s a good experience. I hope I don’t disassociate. I hope I don’t get overwhelmed. I hope I can be present. I hope we make some good memories and feel good about it after the fact. I hope I hope I hope.

Holiday weekend

As of now, it appears we’ve gotten through the covid wave that’s sweeping the swing dance community unscathed. If I’d caught something Saturday night, odds are I’d know by now. The F is fine, and the kids get tested today at school. No more people have popped up with positives from our gigs or my shower, and those that had it are all recovering. I’m wearing a mask in all situations now. This is too important to screw around. 

My living room is full of wedding stuff. I have all the florals, and all the little extras that I didn’t rent - cutlery, cups for the bar - plus all the alcohol and extra lights I bought, etc. Yesterday we went downtown and bought the F his ring - $60! - and I worked on a dinner music playlist. Pretty much the only thing left is final payments and dropping the check at the venue this weekend. It’s all coming together. If only my event were this simple!

As I had hoped, we’re heading to the desert this weekend, possibly tonight. I can’t wait. It’ll be a good time to work on vows and contemplate. I would love to get a fire pit/hammock area built, but that may be too involved. It will be great to have someday though. Also set up a screen on the side of the shipping container for movies. I want to make sure there’s plenty to do out there so the kids don’t get bored.

On this trip I intend to lean into the place a little more - last time we didn’t have a broom and so didn’t clean up or move anything around; this time I want to get all the construction materials put away and really clean the place out so we can move freely in there. The F seems to be willing to take the occasional trip there this summer, weather permitting, so I feel like we should make it as inhabitable as possible until the real work can begin on it at the end of the year when the neighbor comes back. 

The boys have only eight days of school left after today - Theo’s done with homework for the year, and Bobby’s rounds of 4th grade testing are over. Normally I’d be mildly panicked that my co-parent, school, is ending - I know this was a big issue last year - but this time they go right to camp the next Monday, so all it means to me is that I no longer have to charge their school devices or hound them to do homework. And we get to get up an hour later, which is heaven.

Covid or cold?

So, the mystery continues about my illness last week. Symptoms were all but gone by Friday. But our trumpet player and sax player from Tuesday and Wednesday tested positive; as well as several of the dancers at our Tuesday gig. Did I cause that? Unlikely, being as I noticed the unmasked sax player was coughing all night (I’m 100% sure he already had it) and I’m sure several of the unmasked dancers in attendance probably brought it in, too. So I got a negative PCR on Thursday and went to my shower and then went to another gig Saturday night, with the remaining band members who had tested negative. The bandleader called me Sunday morning and told me he just tested positive. Which means I was exposed Saturday night…unless, of course, I already had it last week. We had to cancel our Knott’s debut Sunday night. Everyone is doing fine and recovering. I took another home test Sunday afternoon. Still negative. 

But this leaves a major quandary which there will probably be no answer to. Did I have covid, or not? If your covid is of such a low viral load that it can’t even be detected by a PCR, does that mean you weren’t that contagious? Or not contagious at all? Both boys got negative PCRs from school on Friday. The F may be at the beginning of something now - starting to get a congested head feeling, which is how it was for me. We’ll see how that develops. 

Or maybe I just had a cold, and after all that exposure between Tuesday and Saturday, I’m going to get covid this week. In time to clear by the wedding? I’ll take it. The F says he feels like covid is hunting us. I agree.

But what I experienced - being at a high transmission outdoor concert where I know for a fact people around me were positive (they posted in the festival FB group), symptoms popping up three days later, symptoms entirely consistent with omicron symptoms, then passing in about 3-4 days, sounds a lot like covid to me. I just wish I knew, so I could relax. Still, we don’t know what’ll happen with the kids, and the F may become very sick. But he just had something similar to this a few weeks ago. Did he have covid then, or does he have it now??

I sincerely hope I didn’t expose everyone at my bridal shower - which was lovely - but with a negative PCR the day before, what else could I have done? 

I hate this. I hate all of this. I’m going to breathe a huge sigh of relief when - if - we all make it to the wedding day still healthy. So much can still go wrong with us catching it or critical helpers catching it or family or enough guests to gut our attendance. Nothing has happened yet, but it can turn on a dime at any point. This whole thing could still be a massive disaster. And we may not even know until a day or two before. I am a ball of anxiety. 

Covid scares

Not surprisingly I developed cold symptoms - sneezing, runny nose, congestion - on Tuesday. I took a home test - negative. I had a gig that night, and kept my mask glued to my face except when singing. Took another test Wednesday- negative. Went to sound check that night, again with the mask. Finally took a PCR test yesterday, and thank god it came back negative. At first I thought it was unlikely that this was covid since I felt fine, had no fever, etc, even though I know at this stage in the game, anything can be fucking covid, including feeling nothing at all, and home tests are pretty useless. But with the health of my fellow band mates at stake, as well as the 25 women coming to my bridal shower tomorrow, I had to know for sure. Apparently it’s possible to still catch a common head cold and not covid. Who knew?

It occurred to me today just how disastrous a covid infection in the family would be in the next two weeks - while people I’ve consulted about this have said, “just have the wedding anyway, wear masks, it’s outdoors, it’ll be fine,” I think it’s easy to say that. The reality is, if one or more of us had covid, I would have to painstakingly contact everyone on the guest list, and I guarantee you at least half if not more of the people would bow out just to be safe. Honestly, if it were me, and I didn’t really know what the place was going to be like, I wouldn’t put my family knowingly in harm’s way. I would just send a gift and bow out. So yes, we could go ahead with the wedding and actually get married - I wouldn’t cancel - but it could be a total disaster as far as nobody showing up and losing tons of money on food uneaten and tables not used, etc. All over a fucking virus. Now, I know countless couples have had it way worse than me over the last three years, having to cancel at the last minute, not getting deposits back, etc etc. Causing superspreaders and killing elderly relatives. I know it gets way worse than what our worst could potentially be. But still, ugh. I told the F today that after being a bit reckless at those concerts last weekend we have to be super cautious for the next two weeks. I’ve been given a new lease on life and I’m not going to screw it up. 

Things are looking really bad at the moment. LA county is back at medium transmission rates - we’re heading back to Labor Day-like numbers - masks are going back on, and everyone is scared. Part of me selfishly wishes we could just get this wave out of our system now and in the next couple of months so we can be at low transmission by September. But there’s no way of predicting where we’ll be by then. It could be low, or like this, or worse. My signups are lagging well behind last year. The event that normally sits against mine on Labor Day has announced they’re canceling for a third year in a row. God, I wish I could, too. The thing is, there will be no more forced closures - it’s on us, now, to make these decisions - and the hotel will never allow me to cancel just because I feel like it, and people will start just not coming back, if they haven’t already. But man do I wish I could get out of running the event this year. I have zero enthusiasm about it. I still don’t know how to handle a million scenarios that could happen re: vaccines and boosters and kids and medically compromised people and competitors and musicians and masks and testing. I have no fucking idea how to handle any of these issues. And I have very little guidance, so I just have to figure it out myself, which is unfair and overwhelming. As I told my sister just now, these days I mostly just disassociate in the In N Out parking lot. 

And yet, I’ve managed to lose nine pounds in the last month since I started this “simple diet” - 1400 calories/day. I can’t argue with the results, not one bit. Suddenly I’m fitting into things and liking myself in the mirror a lot more. I hadn’t lost a pound since February of 2020, so it’s great to see that scale head down again after all this time. Now I’m just one pound away from a healthy weight, and six pounds away from an awesome weight in which I’d be able to wear anything in my closet. That’s my goal - six more pounds. Don’t know if I’ll actually keep going, but right now I’m pretty happy with the results. 

Here is Theo with his volcano project largely created by me (as you do).

Marathon weekend

This weekend was a marathon of epic proportions. Honestly it’s probably the kind of insane schedule most people are used to; I’ve mostly kept my life and our family life very simple, so this is new to me.

There was a Paul McCartney concert at a giant stadium which involved a lot of panicking and running late resulting in my throwing my purse in the garbage because it wasn’t allowed into the venue and walking and waiting in another long line for a locker was not feasible at that point. I would like to point out I was well on time, it was the F that futzed around and made us late. In the end when we frantically ran to our seats, the show hadn’t even started yet. So the joke was on me.

Saturday we had the return of the school’s annual pancake breakfast, which couldn’t be missed because it’s such a beloved event, but had to be woken up very early for, and we all had to take covid tests for. The F couldn’t deal with getting there on time (do you sense a theme?) so I took the kids up and he joined us later. The kids seemed to enjoy it - we had pancakes and then they did little art projects, I bought some school merch, and socialized a bit. 

Then it was another mad dash to the giant music festival we bought tickets to in 2020; another falling out over the F not being ready and having to make multiple stops before we got there making us hours later than I wanted to be - but once again, by the time we got there not much had happened anyway. I think somewhere between his extreme lateness and my extreme earlyness there has to be a common ground.

The festival was amazing - it was extremely, dangerously hot, so we were careful about drinking gallons of water, sunscreening and staying in the shade, but even then it was brutal on our middle aged bodies (being as most of the bands were from the 80s, the median age had to be 50, so we were not alone in our discomfort). Still, it was a great experience. I finally got to see Bauhaus, a teenaged favorite, and it was truly thrilling.

Since it was such a long day, we had two babysitters, with gaps where the kids were alone for an hour or two in the morning and afternoon. I’m so glad this is not an issue at their age. But it was a complicated jigsaw puzzle of timing and meals and who goes where, when, which stressed me out all last week but then went pretty seamlessly once the day actually came.

Sunday my book club ladies gave me a delightful bridal shower and then I went to the house of my new wedding hair person, who is a friend and hairdresser who had agreed to step in in September when I asked her. We made some progress deciding what to do with my hair, but also didn’t really get to finish even after three hours, so I have to go back next Sunday. Also, she says she isn’t really a makeup artist, so I may be on the hook to do my own makeup. Oh well. I figure you just slap on some fake eyelashes and you look like you had professional makeup done…right?

Theo has a big final project due at school, so this week I have to help him build a replica of mount St Helens. It’s funny to think that volcano erupted in 1980 when I was his age, and was such a phenomenon that I ordered by mail a little vial of ash from it, and ended up using it in a subsequent similar project. I think I still have the vial somewhere.

I finally hung the boys’ school pictures today, but left gaps for their covid year. I have the photos, which I took at home and submitted to the yearbook last year, but I have to print them out in the right size and frame and hang them. For now the gap in pictures on the wall for last year seems appropriate.

After all our unmasked packed socializing this weekend, I figure there’s no way we’ll come out of this weekend without covid. Can luck continue to be on our side at this point? I don’t know. I’m just hoping if we do get it that everyone clears it by wedding time, which now looms just over 2 weeks away. I can tell you one thing, if we do get it we are not canceling. It’s all outdoors, we can just throw masks on and not get close to anyone, fuck it. The show must go on.

Legal

Today was a rare moment to nab the F for the two things he needed to be a part of re: wedding planning - the notarization of the prenuptial agreement, and the marriage license. So at 9 AM we took off to accomplish these things, plus ring shop for him and get him his second booster (I’m not eligible for two more months). When we got to the license office, however, we discovered to our horror that it was by appointment only (I don’t know how I missed this - but to be fair that’s a new pandemic thing) and appointments were full until after our wedding date. After panicking and googling and calling we finally found a 3rd party marriage license office which could provide us with one for 3x the cost, but right away, and reluctantly as they hadn’t meant to come in that day. We hit up the notary first, and thankfully the license appointment went smoothly. By this time we’d missed the vaccine appointment and there was no time left for ring shopping. I had a date to meet up with a friend at a lingerie shop to look for an undergarment for my dress, but she ended up not coming because the dress wasn’t ready, and the only undergarment they had that was suitable and fit was $300. Ugh. I bought it out of desperation, as the one I’d ordered on Amazon may not fit since I just guessed at my size, and won’t show up until the week of the wedding which may not allow time for attaching the underskirt as we have to. Or may not show up in time at all. I justified it to myself figuring I can wear it with other things so will get more than one day out of it. I feel like the money I’ve wasted on things I won’t end up using for this wedding is unreal. So many false starts and bad investments. I currently own a giant purple tulle skirt that cost $200 and that I won’t be wearing and can do absolutely nothing with. Among other things. 

But I did get home to find the simple, pretty 1940s wedding dress I’d ordered as a reception dress had arrived, and it’s lovely, and will be just the thing when I want to get out of my big poofy fantasy wedding dress and just be comfortable. I ordered a short veil for it and will sew it on to a little mid century bridal hat I’ve had forever. It will be the most bridey I’ll look that day. 

I remember seeing pictures of friends on FB with their marriage licenses and what a cool moment that looked like; I pictured it being very romantic and fun. Unfortunately because of my fuck up I was too embarrassed and stressed out to really enjoy it the way I wanted to; you know how it is, even if something gets resolved positively it’s hard not to still smart from the stress of realizing you’ve made a mistake and hustling to fix it. The F has had horrendous work stress for months now - breaking machines, supply chain issues that could put him out of business - he said he broke down and cried at work yesterday. So to say his mind isn’t in any of this is an understatement. Thankfully my mind is in it and I’m on top of things - except, apparently, making an appointment to get our license. 

Still and all, everything is moving along. My sister’s father, who was going to walk me down the aisle, had a seizure following a brain injury from a fall a few weeks ago, and has been hospitalized. Apparently he’s fine and in good spirits, but may not be cleared for travel. So he and his wife are most likely out. I worry that he’ll go downhill in the next three weeks and my sister and brother-in-law won’t come, either, leaving me with almost no family at my wedding. I think this is unlikely, but it’s still possible. We’re at the end now, so those who I’m chasing down to rsvp are mostly the people who were trying to make it work but can’t - one friend who moved to the east coast, one who has a family wedding at the same time, two who are still too afraid of covid to leave the house, two who just declined without explanation but I’m guessing it has to do with them being older and unable to make the trip. Most of the F’s small group of invitees aren’t coming. I feel bad for him. But we still have about 90 people all told, so right about where I had the original numbers. It’ll work out just fine. 

Desert stuff

Friday night we headed out to the desert as I had hoped, having no idea what we would find there. Would it be vandalized, burnt down, robbed? Or just fine? Thankfully, it was just fine.

It took us forever to get all the camping gear loaded up, so we didn’t end up rolling up until about midnight. But what a wild scene it was! It was black as pitch - no street lights and no lights from neighbors - and intense, hot dry winds. To the left a giant red crescent moon was setting over the mountains. It felt like we had landed on Mars! Thankfully the place was just as we’d left it, and there were no footprints anywhere around it. We hustled to get the blowup beds set up in the upstairs, and unloaded everything else into the construction site downstairs. We definitely couldn’t stay there if there wasn’t a clean upstairs to put beds in.

The weekend was mostly chores - the F’s car’s brakes started grinding on the drive out, so much of the day Saturday was spent getting the brakes fixed, then he got on the giant ladder and spent hours installing two solar powered security cameras, which, amazingly, work exactly as we’d hoped. As of now we can keep an eye on everything that goes on out there. We also put up some No Trespassing signs at strategic spots, and some motion lights. We could still be robbed, but we just made it a lot less appealing, I hope.

So what was it like, finally actually staying there in our place after dreaming about it for almost a year and a half? It was great! I’ve never had a vacation home; my mother and I used to fantasize about this when I was a kid - so many people on the east coast have what you call “country houses”, something that never would have been within reach for us. A vacation home in California isn’t in reach for me now, either, so this is the cheapest possible way to make it happen - buying an abandoned shack in an abandoned place that nobody wants to go to, except, fortunately, us. 

So we slept upstairs with the intense winds blowing through the one window, I made meals in our improvised camp kitchen downstairs, washed dishes in the actual wash behind the house, bathed nude right in front with no one to see me for miles, and it was grand. Even better, on Saturday night we finally got to go to the only local bar that we’ve been trying to go to since we bought the place last March. They are at last open for business after covid shut downs, and were having a fun cover band concert out back. In listening to folks around us, it seems more than a few also come from New York’s East Village; it’s funny how so many of us made that connection between there and Wonder Valley; two wild, dangerous places full of artists and misfits and people who enjoy the obscure and bizarre. Our hope is to make friends out there. They are definitely our peeps. I’m imagining many more enjoyable Saturday nights spent at that place. 

This morning Bobby and I went walkabout to some neighboring ramshackle houses, one of our favorite pastimes. God, I hope he grows up to be the kind of guy who makes music videos in these falling down places. It’s hard to predict what impact spending time out there will have for these kids - something interesting, I hope. 

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that today is, in fact, Mother’s Day, which used to be a source of intense misery for me. Not anymore. Once my mother died, and I decided it was time to take this day back for myself, they’ve gotten progressively easier, until by this year I scarcely remembered it other than to plan the weekend away. I’m not a fan of forced sentiment - I feel similar about anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, even birthdays - but I get that it doesn’t hurt to slow down occasionally and take those moments to celebrate the people we love, even if it’s over something as silly as just happening to be born on that day. 

Mostly right now I’m just happy and relieved that even with all the false starts and missteps with this place, we ended up getting to enjoy it after all a bit this year; and that it is as enjoyable as we’d hoped, and that all of us are all in. My hope is to return Memorial Day weekend - but a) it’s the weekend before the wedding and I could find myself busy with something or the F may have to work, and b) it could be wicked hot. Saturday was high 90s and was pretty miserable, although we managed. By that weekend a local pool will be open, however, which makes a huge difference. I’m really hoping we can have one last stay out there before the heat of summer and my every Sunday gig at Knott’s Berry Farm renders weekend trips impossible until after my event. I’ll miss it terribly. But at least I can watch it on my phone now. 

Opening night

So, my event is officially on, and I officially have a job and an income again. The registration system worked (except for the next day when the price increased - it always does that), so technically went without a hitch. And I had some but not many questions to field, so I mostly just sat around and hit refresh on the registration site to see how many people I was getting. I got a hundred people in the first half hour, which was very exciting. 

The next day, however, I made the mistake of running a report on last year, and found that I had 2x the amount of people at the same time. And now that my 24 hour opening sale is off and people are just trickling in every few hours, I can safely say that I have only just about half the people I got on opening night last year. Ugh. That’s not good. It was a bit of a punch in the gut, honestly. 

It could be attributable to many things - my theory is, after being burned two years in a row, people are more cautious and want to wait until later in the summer to decide if it’s safe and see if there’s any danger of me cancelling again. Coronavirus news at the moment is pretty bleak, with numbers up everywhere and new variants avoiding immunity all over the place, so if it were me, I wouldn’t be booking any events four months out. It could be a couple hundred right wingers mad at me for my vaccine requirement - I caught a few grousing about it on FB, and got one stupid letter from a Karen in San Diego saying no other businesses are still requiring vaccines so why am I (maybe because unlike a restaurant my event involves people exercising in each other’s faces for four days straight in a packed ballroom with crappy ventilation? Maybe?). It could be people can’t afford the flights which are 2x what they were last year. But my worst fear is people have just moved on. I think I may have to do more rebuilding than I’d thought, and that this return year, unfortunately, may be the one many choose to skip. 

The F is convinced it’s because I never used my mailing list, and he could be right. Also, other events around the US and the world are kicking ass right now, with huge sell-out turnouts, so maybe I’m just a slow starter? Maybe when the two events at the end of this month wrap up people will turn their eyes to me…? Or maybe I’m just going to take a hit this year for a million reasons I have no control over that have nothing to do with the appeal or lack thereof of my event and I need to just deal with it. Or, everyone will sign up at the last minute.

Either way, with my price increase I’m doing about 80% of the money I had last year with only 50% of the people. So…there’s that. 

The F and the boys spent the day Sunday suit shopping and got their outfits together for the wedding. I have my beautiful sister-made dress in hand now, and a friend will come tailor it next week, and after that I finally get to do a hair trial and have my two bridal showers. Things are moving right along. 

All week all I can think about is being in the desert again. Unfortunately the new Marvel movie comes out Friday night so most likely the boys and the F will go see it and we won’t leave until Saturday, which leaves us just a few hours Saturday and Sunday and then we head back. But the main purpose of going there is to install security cameras so we can keep an eye on it over the summer, so if we just do that, that’s enough. I bought some black light headlamps so we can spot scorpions. I’ve never seen one in person in my life, but I think they’re going to be a part of our desert routine from now on.