And then there is change

Last night the BF and I were talking about how much things have changed in just the last week - how the announcement of everyone being able to get the vaccine starting April 15 is a game changer (remember, not long ago we thought it would be June or July). Suddenly, putting on my event is looking more possible. And I pushed back against this because I didn’t want to have to throw everything together in just a few weeks. Too stressful, too hard, I don’t want to.

But what if I didn’t have to throw it together in a few weeks? The big Swedish summer dance camp has announced they have booked venues for July and August in case they can proceed, and the giant rockabilly festival that’s a week after mine has been selling tickets and booking acts since last year. At the very least, I need to circle the wagons and have my event in place so if I need to pull the trigger all I have to do is send deposits and book flights. I checked in with an epidemiologist friend who has been advising dance organizers - he said we should be good to go in September, especially if I make the event vaccine-only, which may be the only way I can legally proceed anyway. So I started mass emailing. The people who have responded are all-in and are excited to be there. This could actually happen, it really could.

The only thing that could mess me up would be the variants taking over, vaccine distribution getting screwed and/or people refusing it to the point that we don’t reduce infection rates from where they are now, or the big one, which is LA not allowing indoor events above a certain amount of people, and insisting on social distancing. Which I just don’t see still being a thing by September, especially if our numbers continue to plummet and the vast majority of people are vaccinated. My guess is events will be allowed if you have everyone prove vaccines at the door. I also think that by then we will have had a summer of gatherings that will make people start to feel safe again. If everyone in the place is vaccinated and one random person with covid somehow gets in, what are the odds that anyone will get sick or die, or certainly enough people to cause a super-spreader event? I would say the odds of that are 0.0%. The people who are vaccinated but still paranoid can wear masks all weekend or just not come. 

But it all depends on how things go in the next month. I won’t make any decisions until May. April is going to tell us everything we need to know about the rest of the year. For now I believe it’s in my best interests to get everything prepared. I can open registration June 1 and that’s plenty of time. I may not get much of an international contingent, but that’s ok. A slightly smaller event may be better under the circumstances. 

So that’s a big turnaround from my previous stance. I actually feel ok about it; as much as I’d like another leisurely summer, I’m also losing my mind from boredom and lack of purpose. As long as I feel prepared, I’m ok. If I do the legwork now when there’s nothing going on, it’ll make the summer much easier (especially if kids are in school full time come August 3 or 10 which gives me a full month with days entirely to myself). 

Today we head out to the desert (a different one this time) for a week. See you on the other side. 

Denied!

After a day of fasting (my fast day is Thursday), we all got up early today to hustle over to the clinic for vaccines. There was no parking - street sweeping day sucks - and it took a bit to get it all figured out, but as I had feared, the story had changed since Wednesday. Instead of picking up paperwork and then going home, to then return a few hours later for our shot, they had us wait in line for leftovers from people who didn’t show up for their appointments, who apparently were many. We were told to wait an hour. I was a bit freaked as I wasn’t prepared to get the vaccine right then - I was starving and horribly dehydrated, I hadn’t showered, and was full of anxiety, but also thankful to get it over with. But then after an hour they told us the fire department had taken all their leftover doses to another clinic. We were shit out of luck. I just can’t seem to catch a fucking break lately. Facebook has become a gauntlet of vaccine pictures. I kind of can’t stand it at the moment. 

I’m glad my tier opens in three weeks - but I am so dreading the mad rush to get an appointment. I think realistically it could be weeks before I actually get one - well into May. I absolutely hate that it’s on me alone to do the research and wake up at 4 AM to frantically refresh my browsers over and over like I’m trying to get tickets to a fucking Beatles reunion or some shit. A lifesaving vaccine should not be dependent on who is the most internet savvy. And yet here we are. 

I keep reminding myself that none of this matters. Yes, it leaves me exposed for another month or two, and yes, it leaves me exposed to these variants, which is scary. But other than kids returning to school, nothing is changing in my life in the next few months. I’m not going to miss out on anything. The friends I may or may not meet with I’ve been meeting with safely outdoors this whole time anyway; I’m not putting off cancer treatment or waiting to hug grandma or anything else. So does it matter when I get the shot? Not really. Is it better for me if everyone else has gotten it rather than not? Yes. So why do I care? I don’t. And yet I do. I feel left out, and like it’s my fault that I didn’t get the shot because I didn’t try hard enough to find a loophole to skip the line. Ugh. At least I have my integrity...right??

I finally wrote back to the violin teacher after letting her sweat for a couple of days. I told her I understood, that constant zooming has not been easy for B, and that she should keep the remaining class money. She graciously sent the money back and said what I wanted to hear which was she enjoyed working with B “despite the ups and downs”. She said she’d send recommendations. As of today, I’m kind of thinking we might just let violin go for now. Maybe I’ll wait until the rec center re-opens (should be any time now) and have B get back into his guitar lessons, which were a lot less demanding on his and my time and a lot less stressful for everyone involved. I do want him to keep up with music lessons but we’ve got to find something less fraught. Maybe we can just settle on that for a while. Today I sadly packed his violin and music away. It breaks my heart, it really does. But as I said I sensed something like this was going to happen eventually; since I wasn’t willing to pull the plug, she finally had to. Sigh. It’s always me hanging on too long to dysfunctional relationships. 

Kids are off school today so after our vaccine debacle I took us home for pancakes and then to a Malibu hike (couldn’t find the one we were looking for - that keeps happening to me), In n Out on the way home, and now a quiet Friday night at home. Got a message from school that Theo’s grade will start early on Tuesday the 20th and Bobby’s the following day. So much for starting the 19th. Does this mean it’s all mornings? We don’t know yet. 

I think the change of scenery this week will do me a world of good. I’ve been in such a terrible funk and I just can’t shake it. No amount of comfort food or comfort movies or comfort anything is helping. I just feel so beaten down by everything that has happened - the violin teacher firing us, my desert cabin dream possibly ending, still so much uncertainty about my event, and now missing our best shot at getting a vaccine. It’s all too much. I just want to put my head under the covers for a thousand years. 

Post-birthday wrap up

Mostly posting today just so Bobby has a proper birthday photo instead of just a picture in an abandoned zoo cage. 

He is nine. I had my ninth birthday at summer camp while my mother packed up my things back home in Boston in our apartment I would never see again (and taking the liberty of reading my diary and then teasing me about things I wrote in it, most notably my obsession with a boy named Stuart); in a few weeks I would be living with my aunt, uncle, and cousins for 4th grade while my mother spent a year in NYC by herself for reasons nobody has ever entirely understood. I recently relayed these events to Bobby, who, like everyone hearing this story, asked why, and I told him I didn’t know. While clouded by an incredibly toxic relationship with my younger cousin (he’s great now), my time there wasn’t so terrible - my aunt and uncle were delighted to have me and were very loving towards me, I enjoyed living way out in the woods and wandering free, and looked forward to the occasional day-long Greyhound bus trips to visit The City (I distinctly remember figuring out that the back of the bus was where the smokers and pedophiles were. The thought of myself, a nine-year-old girl, alone on these eight hour bus trips fills me with anxiety now. Like I would ever submit my kids to that! It was 1981. What are you gonna do?). 

What is Bobby like at nine? He is smart, funny, obsessive, tentative, introverted, sarcastic, sensitive. I love it when he’s sweet and kind - I love that he still clings to little kid things like love of stuffed animals and giving his brother rides on his back in the hot tub. I hate when he pushes back about getting things completed, brutalizes his brother, whines. It’s hard to picture him as a teenager or adult, but the groundwork is definitely there, as much as it was for me at his age. I am still that little girl choking on Pall Mall smoke in the back of a greyhound headed from Beverly, Connecticut, to the hell hole that was Port Authority. I imagine a part of him will always be that kid in a creeper jacket endlessly watching YouTube gamers and dreaming of having his own channel. Don’t forget to like and subscribe!!

Two more weeks of distance learning. Our particular school appears to have a much higher projected return rate than the rest of LA - *cough* rich white people *cough*. Which gives me hope that each class will in fact have a morning and then an afternoon cohort, which means we stand a chance of afternoon school, which I would much prefer (although morning school may include some sort of afternoon childcare? Which honestly would be better. I’ll take whatever I can get). It also sounds like we will not, in fact, have to do weekly coronavirus tests, just one before the first day and then thereafter the school will handle it. Which is a big relief. I do worry that the kids will not adjust well to the sudden change in schedule and lifestyle. But, a) I know talking to them about it and letting them know what to expect will help, and b) they’ve adjusted well to all other changes in their lives, so there’s that. It’s crazy to think we’re finally here at the end of this mess. I kind of can’t believe it.

The BF and I are going to head to that clinic tomorrow to see if we can get vaccinated. Apparently the deal is you show up early in the morning to fill out paperwork, then return in the afternoon and wait. The kids are off school so tomorrow’s the only day we can both go. I’m not convinced it’ll actually happen with no hiccups - but the announcement today that CA will open the next tier on April 1 (the BF’s tier) and open to everyone two weeks later means even if tomorrow is a bust, we’re in soon enough. I’m scared of reactions. But not scared enough to not do it. 

I’m still signing reams of paperwork for the desert property. It’s giving me false hope that everything is moving forward when I know we’ve hit a possibly fatal snag. I really have no perspective at all as far as how likely it is that the seller will be able to clear this big mess of former owners in order to sell it to me free and clear. I just keep clinging to the fact that it’s in his best interest to do so since it’s worth $0 until he does (unless he decides to keep it for his own use, which seems unlikely since he lives out of state). Also the fact that there’s been nothing good available for a couple of weeks now - two other ramshackle cabins, slightly larger or more hooked up than mine, but at $75,000 and $100,000, respectively - makes me want to see how this plays out. As of right now I’m definitely not missing out on other opportunities. 

So tomorrow hopefully vaccine, then pack up Saturday, then Sunday head out for a week-long extravaganza involving a mountain yurt stay, a desert cabin stay, and a desert hot spring resort stay to round it out. I hope it’s a good trip. 

A very merry un-birthday

Today, Bobby is nine. It’s his second covid birthday. The BF will take him out to pick out a cake tonight, we’ll have a little party, and that will be it. He’s getting a baby Yoda, a Taj Mahal lego set, a creeper jacket, a joke book, and a light set. I couldn’t feel less like celebrating if I tried. 

Several emotionally triggering things have happened in the last couple of days. One, an old friend of mine has been suddenly texting me all these ways to cheat and get the vaccine early. I didn’t answer her, and then she asked a mutual friend to call to see if I was mad at her. I realized I’m mad at everyone who is currently cheating to get vaccines early when I may still have to wait two more months. But...in the last week or so, everyone, and I mean everyone I know has gotten their vaccine, and none of them meet the age requirement and many don’t meet any of the other requirements, either. Some may have stumbled into a leftover batch, some may have lied or at worst omitted the truth...who knows? All I know is I’m starting to feel like an idiot waiting for my turn like everyone else - especially when all these people tell me the place they got their vaccine, even Dodgers Stadium! - is virtually empty when they show up. Why are they not opening access up to more groups? At any rate, after some very contentious discussion with the BF (in which he did a complete 180 overnight), he went to check out one of the places recommended by my friend and said we should go over on Friday together when the kids are off school. It sounds like you show up at a certain time and wait for unused doses, but are almost guaranteed to get one. You have to fill out paperwork early in the morning and then come back. I don’t know if it will work out...the whole thing sounds kind of shady and I don’t really know how I feel about it. But with kids returning to school in three weeks I’m nervous about that extra exposure. It would be so dumb to get sick in April or May, at this point. So, yeah. Going to go take a chance. 

In the middle of all the agide regarding vaccines and if we should or shouldn’t go for it, Bobby had a less-than-stellar zoom lesson with his violin teacher, and later she emailed to say she doesn’t want to work with him anymore, after five years. I can’t say I was shocked - the zoom lessons have been fairly messy, with Bobby spacing out and not being able to hear her and not staying focused in the way she would like. I had even started checking for other possible teachers, getting the feeling that, honestly, she’s not that great at keeping kids engaged. But being a mother, it was a big slap in the face. I’m still really hurt by it. I told him over dinner and he was pretty upset - probably more because he thought he’d be in trouble. I told him that I’d noticed she had a hard time keeping him interested and zoom was making everything way worse, and I understood that it wasn’t all his fault. The BF said he’d noticed she wasn’t that great with him and probably really shouldn’t be working with kids, or at least not rambunctious boys who require a whole different skill set than, say, the kind of quiet, compliant little girl I would have been. It sucks because I just paid for a month of lessons...but I think I’m going to tell her we’ll forfeit them and just take a break instead. She offered right away to refer us to someone she thought would be great for him, so I’ll take that. I’m avoiding returning her email right now because I’m too emotional. He’s been with her since he was four, for chrissakes. How much must she have hated her time with him that she decided to just get rid of us and not even care about the lost revenue? Ugh.

Then right in the middle of that I get a text from the desert realtor that our sale has “clouds” in it - meaning, the seller bought this property at auction, and he now has to do the work of getting all the heirs and spouses of the previous owners to sign off and revoke any claims on the property, or the property can’t be sold. Which could mean a variety of things - most likely, he won’t be able to do this, and we’ll have to move on. But how many months, and how many other opportunities, will I have to let go by before I myself decide I’m sick of waiting?? What a fucking disaster. Our mid-April closing date clearly won’t happen. The realtor texted me later that the owner said he’d be happy to do whatever it takes - I mean, after all, if he doesn’t do this work now he’ll never be able to sell this place, so it’s basically completely useless to him - so at least there’s that. But this could be the end of my desert dream. I could wait months for this place, only to have him decide it’s not worth it and never follow through, and then prices have gone through the roof and I’m priced out of the area already. Goddamn it. 

Oh, and in the middle of all this my main dance instructors from Sweden said they have an offer for a job the same weekend as my event, so is my event happening? I had to let them go - I still have zero clue if I’ll be able to operate in five months or not. Which is another thing that will make my event less appealing if it turns out I have to run it at the last minute after all. Also - who the fuck is planning a dance event and hiring people right now???

I’m just over everything today. I got almost no sleep due to a massive wind storm that tore through town last night, I’m sick of dragging these kids through hours of school work every day, I’m sick of everything. I have to put a happy face on for poor B and his ninth birthday - I’m doing the absolute bare minimum, and I can barely even pull that off. I feel like a shit mother today. Well. At least we all get cake. Right?

Spring

Lots of good things coming up next month. I hope LA’s kick ass vaccine distribution continues, and our rates continue to decline. As of right now it’s looking really good.

First good thing - I close on the desert property on April 13. I’m full of trepidation about the rebuild process - I’m going to start contacting contractors this week, and I expect it’ll go about as well as internet dating; most will probably never reply, some will reply but then never be in contact again, some may put in a bid that will be well outside of my comfort zone, most won’t “get” what this place is all about. Sigh. I hate to be negative before anything has even happened but I expect the rebuild process to be very fraught. Not looking forward to it. And butting up against summer as we are, it’s entirely possible nothing can happen out there until October due to extreme heat.

The big arts grant I’ve been waiting four months for finally starts taking applications on April 8. I just moved my skin cancer surgery so I wouldn’t miss it. So much rides on this. Also, discovered my SBA loan payments have been pushed back a whole year, which is a game changer. I was prepared to start paying $700 a month in just a month’s time. Knowing I can sit on it another year is fantastic.

Children may return to school around April 19. We have another school zoom meeting tonight to discuss with the principal. This means, including this (four day) week, only three more weeks of distance learning. The return to school is going to be messy and complicated, but boy am I glad for some, any change. 

For now we prepare for our spring break camping trip (Julian, CA, followed by Anza Borrego desert and then Desert Hot Springs) and I’ll admit I’m dreading it just a little. It’s going to be hard core camping most of the week - no kitchen, no running water, no fridge, no heat at night - and I don’t really feel up to it at the moment. We haven’t done that in a while and I’m kind of out of the habit. Oh well. Time to get geared up!

I’m a desert homestead homeowner!

Got the text late last night that my offer was accepted - it’s officially on! We have a thirty day escrow, and things can always fall apart during that time, but as of this moment it is on the way to being my little place. Five acres and a ramshackle shack. I love it. Now comes the discovery period - I’ll need to “call the county” to get all the details, and hopefully talk to some contractors about what’s possible for the place. I saw some articles online about people building 200 sq foot homes for under $20,000, so I think that’s possible for us, especially as it already has a concrete pad to build on and will require no plumbing or electric. Basically just walls, roof, windows, and security measures. Of course an outhouse and outdoor bathhouse would be nice, too. So excited!!!

Theo’s Age of Reason

This weekend we headed to the desert (déjà vu) for Theo’s seventh birthday, Desert X (an outdoor cross town art festival), and for me to do some more real estate shopping. 

We stayed in this charming old trailer in Rimrock, which was part of exactly the kind of hippie compound I dream of. 

There was a mad dash on Friday when I decided to put an offer on that one place in JT that was still available - they shockingly dropped the price $12,000 Friday morning, so I decided to pounce. I figured we would see it the next day anyway and I could back out with impunity if I hated it. But I had to at least be in the running. The next 24 hours was full of anxiety - what if I get outbid? What if the seller countered beyond my comfort zone? What if I see it and hate it? What if I see it and love it and someone else grabs it? Ah, the drama and heartbreak of real estate. Reminds me of trying to get pregnant. Exhilarating and freaky at the same time. 

So Saturday morning we took a drive over to the place - still no word on my offer - and honestly...I was not thrilled with it. And I can’t even put my finger on why; yes, there was a sketchy pot farm next door, but it wasn’t that...the place just had bad vibes. The roads were impossible getting there, you couldn’t really see far because of a ridge nearby, and the entire lot was strewn with trash. It just felt...like a place I wouldn’t be excited to visit, even if it was fixed up. Just for funsies we decided to drive out to Wonder Valley again...and I called a realtor who had a place I was interested in but was sure would be spoken for already; turns out it wasn’t, and she was willing to come meet us. And guess what? We loved it. This area of WV felt much better and more private than the area we had visited, despite being closer to the main drag. The realtor and her husband gave us tons of tips on the area and what we could do with the place. Within minutes I had withdrawn the other offer and placed one on this place. I am currently waiting on a response. Fingers crossed!

Later we got Theo a tiny cake, he opened his presents (baby Yoda plushie, fidget spinners, Iron Man figure and origami set), and had our little second pandemic birthday. What a difference between last year and this! Last year was the horror of school closing and the very beginning of everything closing; now we’re well into vaccinations, school will be back open in a month, everything is coming back to life after one of the most difficult years of all of our lives. I’d much rather be here now than last March, that’s for sure. 

Today we visited Desert X, an awesome outdoor art festival all throughout the Coachella Valley. The kids were ok with it once we stopped at a park for them to scooter around a bit. 

Now we have two more weeks of Home school before spring break, I may or may not become a desert homeowner, and spring is coming. Everything is finally looking up. 

School?

Today was the day we’ve all been waiting almost a year for - we got word from LAUSD with a concrete plan for return to school. Kids will either do an 8AM-11AM or noon-3PM shift, five days a week, hopefully starting in mid-April (am I right or am I right?). I’m glad it’s every day, but of course three hours doesn’t allow you to do shit. Maybe in those first days I’ll just enjoy the quiet of my empty house. Of course, any number of things could render this plan null and void - such as infection rates not being where they need to be. I’m trying to prepare to be disappointed, but it’s hard. People will lose their goddam minds if they dangle this carrot in front of us and then snatch it away. And by “people” I mean “me”. 

So, two more weeks in March, then spring break, then potentially one or two weeks in April, then we’re back. Even if we’re not back, it’s only two months until summer anyway. Also, kids will have to endure nasal swab tests every week that I have to arrange and take them to at a separate location. Good times. 

Not surprisingly, nearly all of the places we saw in the desert over the weekend were sold by Monday. Also the nicer one in Joshua Tree that had sat on the market for two years. It’s extremely frustrating. I feel like I’ve already missed the boat, and am experiencing what everyone who’s tried to buy a house in the last fifteen years has experienced - everything is snapped up within minutes of listing by investors and flippers with cash offers. I saw three more places get listed and then go under contract within hours this week. 

However, there is one place in JT that I called about - as I was about to ask my first question about the place, the realtor said, “let me stop you right there. You don’t want this place. It’s next to a grow farm.” I said I wasn’t necessarily deterred by that fact...but of course it gives me pause. You don’t want to be next door to a criminal enterprise (even if it’s now legal). However, a) we’re not moving there, just visiting occasionally and b) knowing the BF he’ll probably go over there, become their best friends and end up with a lifetime supply of free weed. We’ll look at it this weekend. It’ll probably suddenly be under contract in the next hour. 

It’s such a strange few days. Everyone remembering where they were this time last year (honestly, I can’t bear to think about it), and me personally remembering seven years ago when I didn’t know yet in just two days I’d have a baby. I can’t believe this kid is going to be seven. I am officially out of “little kid” territory. There’s no more daily crying, bad butt wiping or bed wetting. Bobby is currently doing his own laundry. Time flies, huh? 

Desert dream deferred?

On Saturday we piled into the car to head out to the high desert - Wonder Valley, to be more specific. We looked at four properties, which all happened to be within blocks of each other. Most did not have any kind of driveway or access so we had to just leave the car running on the (rough, sandy) street while we poked around. 

Here’s my opinion, having now seen what these places are like, and what the area is like - it’s too flat. Basically, there is a house on every five acre plot, and five acres is not as big as it looks. You can’t tell from these pictures but there were houses on either side of each place we saw - some just a few feet away. The plots are long and narrow, so although you get a nice distance behind the house, you have people very close on either side. Which is not at all the sense of seclusion I want - it would be basically like going to vacation in a really shitty neighborhood. Yeah...no. 

The BF says we really need answers as far as what we can do with the space - can we build, can we get water and / or electric, can we get septic? And so far answers to these questions seem hard to come by. Nobody knows anything about these old places. He also let me know he would never have time to work on the place, as much as he’d like to. Everything would involve paid labor. Which I pretty much figured.

So, what now? I went back to my real estate app and looked outside of my comfort zone a bit as far as price and options. There are two properties in Joshua Tree itself that are a little too pricey, but have been online for a while so might be open to a low ball cash deal? One in particular, while small, is very well put together and is just blocks away from the first place we visited there, so I know the area, and it’s very nice and private. I’m very interested in that place - I’m going to try to see it while we’re out there next weekend. There’s another similar one, also, but it needs a lot more work. Both have water meters which is a huge plus. 

Other than that - I guess just keep an eye on the listings and see if anything good pops up. I feel a sense of urgency because prices are going up and up, and I could kick myself for not having bought a cabin up in Big Bear 25 years ago like I wanted; back then you could get a tiny place for $30,000; now they’re $300,000 and up. They will never be affordable again. I feel like the desert is headed in the same direction. I just want to get in there before the chance slips through my fingers. But I also don’t want to make a rash decision that could deprive me of much needed funds as this pandemic drags on and on and it’s at least ten months until I can have any kind of income again. It’s a real nail biter. But in the meantime we can check out the new places this weekend and see what’s what. 

Desert dreams

After much trepidation, I finally told the BF about my plans to set up a desert homestead. I was very nervous and nearly gave him a heart attack when I said I had something important to talk about. It’s not that I was afraid he would stop me - it’s my money and I can bloody well do what I want. But if he’s going to continue to be in my life (and he is), this is going to be a big part of my life, and him not being on board would be a problem. I can buy the place myself, but fixing it up, maintaining it, and visiting safely do actually require the assistance of another adult. Also, he is a very skeptical person and has the annoying habit of second guessing every single decision I make (I don’t take it personally - he does this with everything. But it drives me nuts). Anyway, long story short, he said that he, too, has always had the dream of a desert getaway, and as long as it’s cheap enough to just plunk down cash, why not? So - phew! And - hooray!

Tomorrow we take off for the desert to look at properties. This will be the deciding factor on whether to pull the trigger or not. I mean, I think I know the area, but...it may just feel too dangerous once we actually start looking at these places. There’s no getting around the fact that the high desert is a Petri dish of criminals, meth labs and tweakers...with a sprinkle of artists and musicians, libertarians, anarchists, and bougie LA hipsters looking to create an Instagram backdrop (I’m afraid we kinda fall into the latter category). I read an article about how you should expect your place to be broken into every weekend and then see your neighbors using your stolen stuff. This scares the shit out of me. It could be a little too lawless even for me (although considering the fact that I survived Alphabet City in the 80s, I find this hard to believe). Step one: don’t keep anything thieves would want in your place, two, secure the hell out of it so it’s unappealing to thieves, three, don’t annoy your neighbors. 

I’ve been in touch with a couple of realtors, and the situation is pretty dire - you’re not going to find an affordable place that has water or electric; I don’t care so much about electric, but water is a concern. In fact there are few places I can afford that even have any kind of structure on them at all. Still I’ve researched enough this week to come up with a plan: most residents use composting toilets, and haul water in large jugs from local water stations or fill up at the National park. I figure we can just fill 5 gallon jugs at home before heading out. I think the toilet situation will be a hard sell on the BF...but he’s just going to have to deal. I’ve got no issue handling our waste, god knows I changed enough diapers and cleaned enough poopy underwear to permanently desensitize me. 

So tomorrow will be very telling. I’ll either start putting in bids, decide to wait for better properties, or decide this just isn’t for us because the area is too derelict to stay in safely. 

It was rough getting the kids through their work this week. I have to tell them “do your work!” 50 times as they screw around, turn the house into a parkour course, wrestle, sneak off with iPads, or space out. I try not to lose my mind over it - they’re kids; normally their teachers would be absorbing all this chaos but unfortunately that’s my job for the time being. I escape to our sunny porch as often as possible. 

Today is the BF’s 53rd birthday. I’m going to cobble together some cupcakes and make a little Avengers party for him since he’s such a fan. Last year I took him to a seafood buffet and we slathered ourselves with hand sanitizer and he remarked all of the concerts we’d bought tickets to would probably be canceled and that we’d probably never set foot in a buffet restaurant again. I scoffed. Boy was I wrong. 

One year

Well, we’ve gotten to the grim milestone I was afraid of. It’s March. We can no longer say, “this time last year everything was normal”. At the very least, March 1st last year we were concerned; at worst, we knew our lives were about to change for a very long time.

Like most people, I was in denial. I’ve been wrong about most things regarding this pandemic. Let’s hope I’m not wrong in my current predictions: 

School will resume in Los Angeles by mid-April

Vaccines will ramp up to the point that by May anyone can have access

By the summer our numbers will be very low but not low enough to allow crowded indoor gatherings, and we’ll still need masks (which will enrage many people)

The virus will not disappear. We’ll have a small resurgence next winter among un-vaccinated people in little pockets around the country and around the world, some schools may close, but for most of us, life will be normal 

I don’t expect the variants to throw us completely off course, but they will slow down recovery. We’ll see slowing of numbers dropping and spikes here and there as we race to get people vaccinated ahead of mutations 

That’s what I expect to happen over the next year. I hope that, unlike last time, I’m right. 

Teachers in LA can get vaccines starting today. Bobby’s teacher is absent. I hope it’s because she’s getting her vaccine. 

Can I tell you my dream without fear of judgment? Ok, here it is. I went down a rabbit hole this weekend, one that’s recurred many times in my life. It’s the concept of buying land. Since I’ve been so in love with the California desert, my dream is to buy a big plot in the Twentynine Palms area (Joshua Tree, Yucca Valley, Wonder Valley), preferably with a derelict homestead cabin on it, and make it my “bug out” place. I want at least five acres - preferably 10 or 20, and preferably up against BLM land so I can be guaranteed isolation (ie, I want to run around naked). I would like water access, but honestly I don’t need any utilities - I would prefer to be entirely off grid. Water is complicated out there - many plots (although not all) do not have access to city water, and I’m not sure if you can drill wells (conflicting information about this) or have a tank on your property. Electricity is easy - solar all the way. And I don’t need gas. So that’s pretty much it. Rehabbing a broken down shed will cost some $$ - but it shouldn’t be that much if it’s just a one-room shack with no plumbing or electric - it’s basically just salvaging the structure as best you can, fortifying the roof, insulation, doors and windows, walls. A few thousand. And I wouldn’t do that now; that part can wait. There are several properties online that meet this criteria, and that I could plunk down cash for. Should I be doing this now? Probably not. But I feel strongly compelled to make this investment. If I decide not to do it now, it’s definitely on the to do later list. The idea of having a serene, isolated place to escape to is very much on my mind. The first place we went in Joshua Tree is my model for what’s possible - one room shack, nicely appointed, with an outdoor kitchen, shower, and bathroom. I could easily and cheaply create all those things, even with no running water. I have not told the BF about this. I know he’ll think I’m crazy (he’s always highly skeptical about everything and is the first to point out everything that could go wrong) and I don’t want anyone dampening my enthusiasm. I may tell him before we go to JT in two weeks, though, since that’ll be the perfect opportunity to look at some properties. For now, I get to plan and fantasize, which is the best part. Inspiration is the enemy of depression.