Nobody knows anything

There’s talk - theoretical, of course - of schools opening in just weeks. However, I don’t see it happening for LAUSD. We need our teachers and staff immunized. It would be stupid to risk it now when we’re so close to that happening. And as much as I long for the return to school, I have to remember what all that actually entails - getting up an hour earlier, hustling kids into jackets and socks and shoes and backpacks and booster seats, making sure they have all their supplies (which will now include masks and other things) - plus no longer having the comfort of knowing my kids are safe at home. I definitely have mixed feelings about return to school. Also, it’s not like we’ll be back to full days - it’s possible only Theo will be allowed back, for one, and even that will only be a few hours a couple of days a week. Which all seems a bit pointless for the amount of trouble and risk. Still, I understand it can’t be any other way. What can you do? 

It’s been a long, boring week. I remember last year there was this social media trend of everyone complaining about how long January was; it makes me laugh sadly when I think about how good we had it and we didn’t even know it. Right around now we were watching the coronavirus in China with concern but not really thinking it would affect us - it’ll just be like SARS, right? It’ll affect those other, far away places. Not us. Never us. I’ll have my event, everything will be fine. Here I am a year later after 10 months of home schooling, one canceled event under my belt and a second one on the way, stuck at home with a frozen shoulder, not having seen a movie or a concert or gone dancing or eaten inside a restaurant for all that time, with no timeline of when any of those things can return. Other than Joe Biden being elected and kicking ass during his first week in office, it’s all been a nightmare. The only thing worse would be us getting sick, which is still a constant threat until we get access to the vaccine, which for me could still be as long as six months (luckily the BF is over 50 so he can probably get it in about a month). 

So, my oldest friend from NY is moving here on Sunday, which could be a huge game changer for me. I’m sad that his first impression of LA has to be during this fucking pandemic when it’s impossible to do anything except hike, and also when we’re in the middle of our worst cold snap of the year, wherein it’s 50s during the day and low 40s at night, as opposed to a couple of weeks ago when it was in the 80s. Sigh. We’re going to get together Sunday night when he arrives, but I don’t really know what we can do at night in LA other than walk around freezing and maybe try to grab some food while walking and try not to infect each other in the few minutes we’re eating with our masks off. Fun!!

I’ve been on a tear - one I recognize as obsessive-compulsive at this point - arranging camping and glamping trips for us, to fill the void that is my life. I booked a Kern River camping trip for July 4 weekend, and booked the Cambria cabin for Mother’s Day. Now I’m looking at the first six months of this year with a critical eye - six weeks with no travel is too much, it needs to be every three-four weeks! I’m desperate to get back to the desert again before the window closes and it’s too hot - in particular Mojave, which has three more sites I’d like to see - but other than that, as the BF pointed out...we’ve kind of seen everything already. It is true that as far as close by, quick weekend trips, which we’re mostly limited to, we’re kind of running out of options. Now I’m sort of kicking myself that I didn’t book Zion for spring break...but I know why I didn’t; because it’s still too cold there that last week of March. Well, maybe if Hawaii still isn’t possible this summer, we can go then. I’ve been fantasizing about getting a Subaru Outback and a rooftop tent and taking off to Death Valley by myself whenever I feel like it...while also acknowledging that I wouldn’t feel safe in a remote place like that alone, and it would be fucked up of me to not include my family in my plans. I only have ten-twelve years left with these kids - nine have already flown by. The time for solo stuff will come; but not yet. 

Everybody wants the ‘xine

So, Joe Biden is president. Every day has brought a sigh of relief as far as his reversals of *he who shall not be mentioned’s* craven policies and coronavirus relief get signed off on...ahhhh. Help us on the way. But when?

Los Angeles is reeling as the world epicenter of the virus, and my neighborhood, with its working class, multi-generational household, and service-job population, is one of the worst. We even have placards warning people who come here to be extra cautious. Can you see why I don’t want to leave the house? Vaccine rollout has been slow and frustrating, but I expect that logjam to break soon, within weeks. Still, frustratingly, several people I know have cheated their way into getting vaccines when they don’t qualify yet. Which I find abhorrent. They tell me I should, too. I judgingly tell them I’ll wait my turn, thank you very much. Other than a boyfriend who goes to work and stores and then comes home, my risk is exactly zero. Or let’s say 1.0 for our once a week In N Out lunch drive thru trip, and my touching of mail and Amazon packages. 

So right now health care workers and some seniors are starting to get shots. A friend posted that teachers will start on the 30th, which is of special interest to me since that directly affects when kids will be allowed back at school. Still, our mayor said at this current rate it would take nine years to vaccinate everyone in LA. Ugh! 

The thought of waiting six more months to get a vaccine, which is what some people are estimating, is unbearable to me. Still, there’s a little part of me that wants things to be definitively slow - slow enough to drastically reduce the virus by summer but not enough to allow for crowded indoor gatherings - so that I can get out of my hotel contract and not have to run an event this year. I think I can safely say that there is no way in hell in seven months we can have crowded indoor events, not without so many restrictions (constant mask wearing, drastically reduced attendance, no partner switching, constant hand sanitizing, etc etc) that the event would be physically impossible. The idea of having to throw the whole event together in just a few weeks or months is absolutely terrifying to me - and honestly, I think would end up being a bit of a disaster. I want our return to be triumphant and joyful, not half-assed and sad with everyone still afraid of getting sick. I can guarantee no money would be made. What’s the point? Tomorrow a dancer friend who is a doctor is doing a zoom meeting for all of us organizers looking for answers - I think I can predict that he’ll say what I’m thinking; that yes, there is a chance events will be allowed in some form by end of summer or fall, but only with certain restrictions in place. Which means the hotel and I need to have some hard conversations. Technically I owe them $200,000 if I cancel. Again. Sigh.

Right now I’m putting all my hopes on this new performance venue grant the SBA is soon going to be offering, which would solve all of my financial woes. There is no timeline for when it will be available and no guarantee I’ll get it. I keep an eye on it every day. It’s my only hope, at the moment. 

We survived the second week back at school, and the boys are past their post-Christmas break wiggles. I ran into a parent of one of Theo’s classmates on my walk who said they’re looking at private schools for their daughter because they feel the education quality has suffered a lot. I disagree - I mean, they’re only in 1st grade, how much can it suffer? They’re writing and reading and doing math and science and art...if anything I’ve learned how much their full day of school is padded with things like lunch breaks and recess and other non-academic stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; just saying now that I see them learning in real time each day I see how little of their day is spent on actual schoolwork. Theo is done with the teaching portion of his day in two hours and then has maybe an hour of work after that; Bobby is done by around 1 after a 40 minute lunch break (which means he really spends maybe three hours at actual “school”) and then has about an hour of independent work. It’s not a lot, but again with all the breaks and lunches and things it stretches into a full day - sometimes we’re not done with everything until 4. 

With teachers maybe starting to get vaccinated in a week or two, I’m still holding out for a return to school by post-spring break (first week of April). Could it be I only have two more months of home schooling?? Could I for once in my life have a couple of hours of quiet in my own house? Is it possible the kids will return to school before fall?? Nobody knows. 

In the meantime I am plotting a Mother’s Day weekend trip to possibly Cambria to a little cabin I almost booked for my birthday week. I am still holding out hope for a birthday Hawaii trip, assuming the BF and I have our vaccines by July (I think that’s a safe assumption). I don’t know what the plan would be for the kids - they won’t have access to vaccines by then, but will need tests, and many places won’t issue tests to anyone under 12. We’d have to figure it out. But I am borderline obsessed with Hawaii at the moment; I think about it all the time. I’ve convinced myself a destination wedding on Hawaii is the way to go - it would be a great way to cull the guest list down to the people we really care about (although that could backfire if none of them can afford to get to Hawaii) and thereby save money, while also having a gorgeous place to be (and maybe hop over to Fiji or some such place for a short honeymoon while someone watches the kids). Anyway. Have I mentioned how much aspirational living is my main indulgence right now, since current actual living is so bleak and crushingly boring? Yeah. 

Here is a picture of Bernie at the kids’ school gate waiting for school to reopen. Bernie is all of us. 

A new era

Can we all exhale now? Yes, yes we can. My level of delight and relief today is exactly even to the level of horror and disgust I had on this occasion four years ago. God! It’s over! The sickening last gasp, the death rattle of Republicanism, white supremacy, xenophobia, everything wrong with this country, is done. Four years ago I could only hope what we were experiencing was a blip in our history - a temporary, ugly setback, much like Nazism in Germany - and as of today it appears that this may be true. Inshallah.

Since we’re hours behind here on the west coast, the swearing in all happened as I was hustling to get the kids ready for school (thankfully I was able to sit down and watch in those exact moments), then Theo’s ipad wasn’t working, then I had his IEP meeting (he’s graduated from speech lessons, hooray!), then Theo lost another tooth. So I never got a big moment to really sit with the feelings today. I hope I get that later tonight while watching the inauguration ball. I need to relish this moment. 

Speaking of relishing - I took the kids to the drive thru donut place to celebrate. I’m not sure if they entirely understand what’s happening and how extraordinary it all is, despite how many times I’ve told them that none of this is normal; that usually you barely pay attention to minor policies or ceremonies or senate votes. 

Is Republicanism done? Honestly? I hope so. At this point that party just stands for everything that sucks. It’s a dinosaur. Evolve or die, that’s what I say.

Lake Arrowhead escape

We just returned from our long weekend in Lake Arrowhead. It’s funny to think when I booked this I had had hopes of another family, or maybe my sister and brother-in-law, joining us. There was an unused bedroom and bathroom on the ground floor. However, the boys delighted in their own room with twin beds and lots of teddy bears (and a TV, oh boy! I had to keep hiding their remote so they didn’t spend all night watching gamer videos). We had a luxurious king bed and an oversized jetted bathtub. I’m so used to us roughing it on these trips that I sort of didn’t know what to do with all the finery. 

As far as activities, it was a bit of a hodge podge; believe me, as much as I love our trips, trying to do anything in public during a pandemic is a huge drag. We’ve eaten countless meals in the car, and driven away from places because they were just too crowded. The first day we sort of drove around aimlessly but found a couple of decent nature hikes; the second day we went to snow valley for some sledding, which was less than stellar. The whole thing cost about $200, was insanely crowded with near zero social distancing (if we all get Covid in the next week, that is 100% where we caught it...ugh), and the boys were sick of it after about a half hour (of course). We missed the big snow last week and instead hit a heat wave (it was 80s-90s in LA, 60s up in the mountains) and this week it snows again. Our timing was terrible. Oh well. I enjoyed the big trees and clean air and just being somewhere else for a few days. No complaints. 

As always, I offset the sadness of leaving by booking a Malibu beach site for us in June as soon as the boys are off school. 

One more full day under Trump’s jackboot of tyranny and then we are done with him. Reading Biden’s agenda for his first one hundred days fills me with hope. It really is like we just lived the entire arc of The Yellow Submarine - from blue meanies turning us all into statues, one silent tear coursing down our cheeks as a monster comes and eats our pinwheel, the only thing we have left that brings us any joy, to the same blue meanies being chased back over the hill screaming by a riot of music and love and color. If anyone ever asked me what these four years have been like, I would say just watch that movie. It’s shockingly accurate. 

The long goodbye

Trump was impeached today, for the second time. It’s merely symbolic, of course - despite our best efforts, he will, in fact, serve out his presidency, down to the last bitter drop. I doubt the Senate will move to convict. And so it goes. This is going to be the longest week of our lives.

The second half of this school year did not start off well for us. I woke up in a terrible mood - annoyed that I had to get up two hours earlier, disoriented and stressed. I opted not to do a walk because I wanted to be around in case the kids acted up or couldn’t find things; which was a mistake, since not getting out in the morning left me even more out of sorts. Bobby was a disaster in his violin lesson, which left me cringing. This is a huge trigger for me, and it triggered all right. The whole day I was just miserable. I miss having a business to run, I miss my band, I miss my friends, I miss having a life outside of these four walls. 

I know everyone is in the same position I am - in disbelief that, nearly a year on, we’re still at home, still without income, still out of school, with no end in sight. It makes me want to stomp my feet and yell, “noooo!” Sure, vaccines...but the general public won’t have access to them for months, and even then, it’ll be months until we get the pandemic in any way under control; most people are saying “late fall”. Late fall is almost a year from now. 

Everyone is suffering, all kids are antsy and unwilling to get back to work (another reason I loathe these three week winter breaks), it’s tough all over. I hit a wall yesterday, hard. But nothing happened to help me out of it; I just had to get up today and do it all over again. And tomorrow, and the day after that. 

It’s going to be mid-80s here for the next few days which should cheer me up a little. I’m very much enjoying escaping to the porch to read or listen to podcasts or just stare at the mountains across the way. The house is just too loud and chaotic most of the time. 

So tomorrow I get up and drag recalcitrant children through schoolwork for hours and hours, cook meals that aren’t eaten and then thrown away, shower, rinse, repeat. Try to keep my mind busy with inspirational podcasts and aspirational living (our next camping trip! A destination wedding on Hawaii! A new hair product! How to make pickles!). Meanwhile counting the days until we can at last say goodbye to Trump although not to Trumpism, and try to make sense of what happened at the capital last week. My brain is still not fully recovered. 

End of winter break

After a few days of brain fog and sloth I chalk up to fear of the country falling apart (real) and anxiety over our sky rocketing coronavirus numbers (also real), I finally rallied today and took the kids to my favorite Malibu hike. They were in good spirits and the weather was fine, and listening to positive, uplifting music just set my heart soaring. It was a beautiful day.

School starts tomorrow. I’ve forgotten what it’s like, now, hustling these kids through their lessons all day. It’s way easier around here when we all just get to do what we want. It’s going to be a tough winter. I am determined to take things a week at a time. Two four day weeks, then a full week, then it’s February. And by then two significant things will have happened - Biden will be our president, and my oldest friend from NY will finally move to LA. 

I am scared for next week. With all the right wing chatter about attacking capital buildings in the days leading up to the inauguration, I’m very afraid for what’s going to start happening over the weekend. Life just seems like one trauma after another at the moment. When can we just exhale, finally? I guess the answer to that is the 21st. 

We head to Lake Arrowhead on Friday for a weekend in a cabin. I have to say I’m not really looking forward to it at the moment. There is no snow so I don’t really know what we’re going to do up there. I need to look things up. I believe there’s ski areas with sledding areas with fake snow we can visit...but I’m afraid of catching the virus, and none of us have winter boots. Well, I’m sure I’ll be glad later that I booked the trip. It’s a stressful time and a getaway will feel good. 

This week I apply for both a grant and the second round of PPP loans. If I get both (I expect to get the PPP loan but not sure about the grant) it will be *almost* enough money to stretch me to Feb of 2022 when I can open for registration again if this year is a no-go, which it increasingly looks like it will be. I also may open for registration in September, but then I have to make that money stretch a whole year. I don’t know. I’ll figure something out; I always do. My goal in all this is to hand back that SBA loan untouched, but I’m not sure how possible that’s going to be. Sigh. 

We did a zoom call with a donor sibling that contacted us via the DSR last night. She was a nice girl of eight (seven months younger than Bobby, who was delighted to still be the eldest). She showed us her rock collection while the boys wrestled and ran around. Ah, to have a girl! One life experience I’ll never know. I got the feeling she was lonely and her moms wanted her to feel connected to other kids. I hear that. Every minute of every day during this quarantine I’m grateful I was able to have two kids. This is where it pays off. 

The coup is upon us

It’s been an anxious week, culminating in today’s crazed white terrorist cult members storming the Capital in an embarrassing, infuriating attempt at...nobody really knows. Yesterday we were glued to the TV watching Georgia’s Senate runoff election results - by mid-today we have taken both, meaning a tied Senate with our democratic VP as tie breaker (ie, we now control all three houses, a positive dream come true). Today I tuned in to watch the electoral college certification - by the time I came back from taking a shower and making breakfast for the kids, all hell had broken loose. 

I hate these people, and Trump, so, so much. They’re all utterly despicable. I wish they’d all catch COVID and die. There, I said it.

There’s talk of invoking the 25th amendment and/or a second impeachment, but I don’t see it happening. We’re still stuck with this lunatic for two more horrid weeks. How much more damage can he do? A lot, actually! 

I’m wracked with anxiety and all alone today - the BF left for work early this morning and won’t return until late tonight. I am in my usual position, in bed in front of the TV; the kids are in their usual position, in front of the TV in the living room, blissfully unaware that our democracy is being destroyed by people who think Three Doors Down is a good band. 

I decided to dive in to my discomfort and deal with two unpleasant things - making a third call to MediCal to see why they have not processed my application (told a third time they have no record of my application only to have them find it a third time and be told a third time that nobody has done anything with it, and a third time be told someone will handle it - in the meantime I’ve paid two more $900 monthly premiums while waiting), and am currently on a four hour hold waiting for the DMV to tell me how to replace the car registration and tags that were lost in the mail (have I mentioned that since October we’ve actually only received about 30% of our mail, including never receiving my property tax bill, utility bills, unemployment paperwork and the BF’s tax correspondence? Yeah, good times). To offset the stress I have impulsively bought a 70s denim dress and a made-to-order tie dyed pair of overalls. The look I’m going for is late 70s-early 80s Shelley DuVall.

I had intended to “do things” this week - take the boys on long, elaborate hikes, be more present as a mother, try to enjoy these last few days before school resumes - but, honestly? I’m just too beaten down. After a week of adrenaline after a year of adrenaline after four years of adrenaline, I just have nothing left. Add in the pandemic, 24/7 child care, relentless arm pain, and utter uncertainty over my financial future, doing anything beyond keeping these kids fed and their teeth brushed and being kind and gentle when I do interact with them, is just too much for me. I don’t feel good about it, but there it is. I only hope they won’t remember the me that was their parent during this time. I pretty much suck right now. To be fair, they don’t seem to mind my suckage, so yay for that. 

The electoral certification will continue tonight. God, I love people who are able to shut out all the noise and just plod along with their duties. You’d think they all raised young children or something. I see your tantrum but I’ve got shit to do so I’ll just let you settle down and we’ll get back to work. God bless these people that have honor and integrity and a concept of service. Gives me some hope that we as a nation are not utterly unredeemable. 

Here is a picture of some tofu I fried in my new air fryer last night. It was ok. 

First day

I didn’t think I had much to say just two days after my last entry, but it turns out I do.

I kind of do want to remember how I spent the last day of 2020, so here it is. I joined the boys on their daily outing and watched them bike, skate and skateboard. They are both pretty much naturals at these activities; Bobby is more cautious and Theo more relaxed. I’m pleased that despite having abdicated nearly all parental responsibilities other than feeding, cleaning and schooling this year that they are still doing normal things like learning how to skateboard, thanks to the BF. 

Then we hung in the hot tub for a while, then joined a friend’s NYE zoom party, and both boys for the first time stayed up past midnight to watch the fireworks across the hill from us.

Then I had a horrid night tossing and turning with unbearable shoulder pain (guess what? The THC balm doesn’t work), which led to a low key day today mostly in bed with a heating pad. I tried our new TENS machine for the pain but all it did was stress me out (if I’m freaked out by normal household electric shocks when the weather is too dry, you can imagine how I reacted to the TENS). Now I’m just in pain with no real way to help myself. It’s miserable. I mean I want to kick coronavirus’ butt this year as a nation and a world but a close second would be getting rid of this endless stupid shoulder pain. It really fills me with despair most days and makes every single thing I do all day long painful and difficult. I fucking hate it. 

I got my $1800 stimulus direct deposited to my bank account shortly after midnight - thank you very much. I also see that there is a second round of PPP coming and grants for performing arts businesses which could be substantial. I’m pretty confident I could get the PPP loan; my having accepted the EIDL loan might mean I can’t get the grant. But duh - who wouldn’t rather have a grant than a loan?? Especially if I’m out of business until fall of 2022. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for these two possibilities. They could really save me this year. 

After eight years, a donor sibling mom has finally messaged me via the DSR asking if her daughter could meet my boys via zoom. I said sure. The girl is eight, also - I wonder if she’s older or younger than Bobby? I still bizarrely like to think of him as the eldest - why this matters, I have no idea - so I am definitely curious about her as she is about us. Let’s see what comes of this!