Escalation

Believe it or not I feel better even though circumstances are actually worse than they were on Monday (somewhat). Why? Because you can’t live at that level of stress forever. Eventually your body just gives out.

So our California primary is over and my candidate dropped due to shockingly low returns. I am somewhat bolstered by the fact that nobody predicted the fall of Warren and the rise of Biden. I was quite bitter about it - I mean, you know, rampant sexism strikes again - but I posted a “tell me something good about Biden” question in my feminist FB group and got lots and lots of good information. I’ve paid absolutely zero attention to him, but the fact that Black voters came out in droves for him made me sit up and take notice. Bernie - I love you, man, but if your most ardent supporters don’t even show up at the polls, you’ve lost me. This is the highest stakes election cycle of our lives. WE CANNOT FUCK THIS UP. I’ve mourned the unfair loss of yet another awesome female candidate, but it’s time to move on and get to work. 

Swing dance organizers are mobilizing to address coronavirus. The ones really screwed are the ones in April and May - not close enough that they have to proceed (like the one I’m singing at this weekend in Irvine), but just close enough that they have to shut down. One “comforting” fact is according to my hotel contract it doesn’t look like I’d be on the hook for $200,000 if the government decided to cancel all events. So that’s one less worry. But how to survive for one-two years with no income at all...that’s another story entirely. The only thing I could think of was trying to take money out of the house - which would absolutely break my heart since I have been working so hard to pay it down, and am so close to that goal (just three years!). But that’s the only place I could get money, unless I can get government help. I remember after Katrina that as a rental property owner I was at least able to get a low interest disaster loan - maybe something like that might be available. 

I’m somewhat encouraged by the fact that the situation in Los Angeles has not gotten out of control yet - not much change since Monday - but that could turn on a dime at any moment. We could wake up tomorrow with hundreds or even thousands of new cases. Who the hell knows? I’m just clinging to the fact that my event is far away still - six months - and I don’t have to worry about money to live on since I have enough in the bank right now to last until the end of the year (if I had no event expenses) unless of course everyone wants refunds, in which case I’m screwed. But nobody has asked yet, so there you go. I am definitely in a more advantageous position than most. For now. 

Our band has not been canceled from anything yet, either. Our one international trip this year to the Netherlands in May is on; they just bought our flights. Will we actually take that trip, or Houston in April or DC a couple of weeks later? Again, who fucking knows! 

I was comforted by the news that this virus does not seem to affect children, so that deep primordial terror of my children dying has passed. Without that I feel like I can take on any adversity thrown at me - but boy would having my event canceled a year or two in a row pretty much destroy me financially. Katrina was fifteen years ago and I still have yet to make a dent in that debt I ran up. 

Thursday I bought extra cat food, toilet paper, and coffee, and a few extra groceries, but I didn’t go nuts. Maybe I should. But right now it doesn’t look like I need to prepare for an apocalypse just yet.

Bizarrely, the BF, who has been making pretty much minimum wage the five years I’ve known him, is just now starting to implement some business ideas he’s been talking about for ages, and it’s actually working. Wouldn’t it be crazy if his star started to rise just as mine was snuffed out? I quipped last night at his birthday dinner that he may soon find himself supporting this whole family. Don’t think I don’t recognize what a fucking luxury it is to have another adult around at a time like this. I’ll believe it when I see it - I’m still very skeptical when it comes to seeing his dreams followed through on - but it’s starting to look more plausible.

I’ve seen far too many people in Trump regalia in the last week. I want to punch them all in the face. 

On that note - stay safe, everyone!