Week three

We are headed into week three of quarantine. Death tolls and confirmed cases mount. Every morning the first thing I look at is worldwide cases, then US, then New York, then California. Talk the last couple of days is that this thing is more airborne than we thought, and everyone should wear masks outside. I don’t have any fabric. Can I knit one? My guess is no. 

I only go outside to do my daily hike up to the boys’ school and back. It’s about three miles and steep uphill going one way, which means it’s way better than my old Rose Bowl loop (now closed) and, because it’s just a neighborhood and not a trail, doesn’t have very many people out and about. Every time I pass the school I look at it with longing and wonder if the kids will go there before the fall. My guess is no. LAUSD says end of April; I think when end of April comes they’ll push that to end of school year. 

The teachers have set up a labyrinthine online system - the 2nd grade teacher has five different sites I have to log into, all with different user names and passwords, plus a main google account that contains even more projects and work due over the next month. Theo has several sites he’s supposed to log into, too, and it’s completely convoluted and overwhelming. The parents are rioting and the teachers are defensively pushing back. It’s a mess. I’m over here just trying to do the basics - get Theo reading and doing his rainbow words; get Bobby doing some math and reading and writing, still probably only about 30-60% of what their teachers seem to expect from them. It sucks. Every day sucks.

Today I applied for a $10,000 grant from the SBA. I’m not sure of the terms - it’s all very confusing - but the application was easy and I’ll just sit and wait. Right now I’ll take anything I can get. I’ll put that and my tax refund into a separate account on the chance that I have to live off of it. I still have no idea what’s going to happen with my event. All our June engagements as a band have canceled. It’s starting to get too close for comfort. 

Here is a little moment of zen from my daily hike. There are a few small trails peeling off of the main road. I wish my insides were as calm as this. 

Quarantine schedule

Although I have a tight schedule printed and stuck on my refrigerator, I sort of knew all along that we would never follow it. Mostly because it assumes we’d be getting up early, which I refuse to do (sleeping in is my one luxury right now - you can pry that from my cold, dead hand) - but also because it’s just too rigid. I’ve seen posts on FB from slackers like me pushing back at (what appears to be) perfect Stepford-like home schoolers with their wipe boards and desks and art supplies; then posts from people who need structure offended that others are saying nobody does. It’s an interesting sociological experiment to see how different parents are handling this, and how everyone’s feeling a little touchy and shamed for not “doing it right”. This pales in comparison to the “stay the fuck home” shaming vs don’t tell me what to do pushback, equally fascinating (and potentially more deadly). Here is our actual schedule as it’s played out the last couple of weeks. For reference, I believe schedules are largely dictated by how many kids you have, their ages, birth order, and genders, whether you have to work from home or still go out or not work at all (me), if you have someone helping (not me, currently), whether you have access to a safe empty outdoor space for kids to play (not me). 

7:00 AM - kids awake playing video games while I malinger in bed

10:00 AM - I drag my carcass out of bed after about an hour of anxiety scrolling through the latest news and reaching out to friends 

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM - I brush teeth, shower, dress, make breakfast for kids, make kids get dressed, poop, and brush teeth

11:00 - 12:00 - kid’s school work. The teachers are slowly setting up online platforms, which is currently a huge pain in the ass, because there are several for each kid and they’re in various stages as of today. 

Theo now gets an email from his kindergarten teacher each day with a long list of busy work, including needing to video him doing something and then send it to her via email; now there’s also some class app thing where he has to do a project each day and take a picture and make a video and upload that, plus there’s another app where he’s supposed to do online reading and take quizzes, plus we’re also supposed to read and I’m supposed to quiz him on his rainbow words every day. We’ve been getting through 50%-70% of this every day before he’s climbing the walls. 

Bobby has a big pile of work with nothing online yet, but that’s supposed to change next week. I can barely get him through one of the five pages of math he’s supposed to be doing each day (especially since today we finally hit the wall of no longer doing math he was taught in school), he can do the reading but hates the comprehension/writing/annotating part, and has done two of ten daily journals he was supposed to have done by now. There are websites and access codes and PIN numbers all being sent to me via private message, email, and school app, and it’s almost impossible to keep track of it all, especially when to try to set these up on their impossibly outdated iPads means painstakingly going through each’s storage to delete a bunch of stuff to make room for all this new stuff, updating IOS and browsers, etc, none of which our currently crappy over-taxed internet can handle. Sigh. We’ve been getting through maybe 30%-50% of Bobby’s work each day before melting down. 

1:00 - 2:00 - afternoon snack/lunch. Since I haven’t made lunches for these kids for years, I’m pretty much at a loss here. Just kind of throwing things together randomly.

2:00 - 5:00 - afternoon play - legos, mostly. Video games and/or iPads also.

6:00 - dinner and bed time routine, depending. Today I’ll make B practice violin and then when they’re in jammies with teeth brushed I’ll read them a chapter of Harry Potter and then have them in bed by 8-8:30.

All day long I feel like I do nothing but cook, full the dish washer, empty the dish washer, do laundry, tidy up, manage garbage, anxiety scroll latest news & FB, take unneeded naps, watch TV, occasionally pop outside to tend the garden. 

Yesterday I e-filed my taxes and paid myself via payroll, then deposited a check to my empty household account to cover April costs. I am set for now. So much is going to happen in the next 30 days. Right now I don’t feel a need to put all my payments on hold - but I may change my mind if things start to look more dire and people start asking for refunds. The BF thinks I should apply for unemployment, but I don’t feel right about that - not unless I know for sure I can’t do my event. Maybe I should be more mercenary, but I don’t want to look at this horrible situation, with people all over suffering and dying, as a big cash grab. 

The BF is back at work trying to rustle up cash. I have mixed feelings about it. I’m glad he’s motivated, has something to do, and is relatively safe since he works alone in a workshop that nobody else goes into. I doubt his plan to make money will be successful. His being gone means I can no longer get out to exercise, and makes trying to school two kids almost impossible since they both need help with everything all of the time. But it does make the house quieter and less chaotic - mealtimes are a train wreck when he’s around, and I’m horribly offended by his awful food - sodas, chips, meat, canned food, endless pasta and pre-prepared crap, velveeta and canned cheese and other garbage, not a single vegetable or whole food anywhere. I hate it all. If we come out of this alive I can’t wait for him to take all of that shit out of my overstuffed refrigerator and freezer and leave it all at his work. It’s also nearly impossible to get the kids to bed before 10 pm when he’s around. So yeah - part of me wants him to keep going to work, part of me wants him to stay home. It’s a toss-up. 

I see lots of friends being super creative and accomplished during this; I for one have zero motivation to do anything outside of basic survival. I can’t read, knit, organize or work on any projects of any kind. Mind you all of these creative friends don’t have kids and live alone. But still. I don’t know if I’m depressed and just need to give myself this break, or if I’m just being self-indulgent and lazy. Honestly? It’s probably a little of both. But the cold, grey weather isn’t helping, and fear of economic collapse makes me not want to invest emotional energy into making any plans or working on any projects. It seems far more important to keep up with the constantly changing news than it does to be doing much of anything else. 

8th birthday during quarantine

Today is Bobby’s 8th birthday. Not how we pictured it, but hey - at least I had pre-bought and wrapped his presents with the last scraps of Christmas wrapping, and the BF snagged a small carrot cake at the empty grocery store last night. I busted my butt to set up a zoom session with some school kids, only to have no audio the whole time, and most of the kids tune in after we’d already finished. Oh well. Both Bobby and Theo are pretty oblivious to everything that’s going on - they’re just so happy to not be going to school, it kind of makes me wonder what’s happening at school that they hate it so much. I dragged them through some work this morning (with a lot of frustration and “just do this and you’re done! It’s just one more thing! It’s right there!!!” on my part), arranged all the birthday stuff, in a half hour B has his virtual violin lesson (I probably should have canceled that for today) and then we’ll go sit in the hot tub. Not bad for a birthday. Personally I’m glad it’s over so I don’t have to stress any more about trying to make a special day with all this going on. 

I’m glad I have kids that roll with the punches. I’m glad I have two kids who enjoy each other’s company. I’m glad they’re school aged but their work isn’t that important. Really, if they were different this could all be so, so much worse. They are healthy. They don’t need anything. They’re happy to be indoors and don’t miss their friends. They’re having a blast. Me? I’m functioning. I loathe the schoolwork part of the day, but I’m doing the best I can. I’m happy to be getting up late. I’m happy I have someone here helping. I’m happy I don’t have to worry about money, yet. I’m happy I’m getting a sizable tax return, that I will put in savings for now and maybe even try to invest later if I don’t need it to live on. Things could be so much worse. I’m focusing on that right now. 

 

Day ? - I lost count

The weekend was a bit better as I didn’t have to drag whiny, miserable children through schoolwork. Funny, they’re much happier when they’re allowed to play video games all day. Who knew?

But today it was back on track...sort of. Schoolwork right now is like the worst day of doing work during normal times - say, the week before Christmas, or before school lets out for the summer - but every day. It takes Bobby about an hour to get through the simplest math problems because he’s too busy staring out of the window, repeatedly dropping his pencil on the floor, singing songs, making goofy noises and faces, etc etc. I’m trying every trick in my tool box - switching up the work, sitting with him and helping, sitting far away so I’m not a distraction, threatening punishments, promising rewards. Nothing makes him want to do any of this work. Today after a conversation with a book club friend who told me some kids in her kid’s class might be in danger of being held back a grade because their parents were too busy to help them, I threatened B with this, and he seemed scared of that possibility...but not scared enough to do the work. I give up. It’s my worst nightmare to think of my kid falling behind or god forbid being held back a grade because of my own selfishness and obstinance. But surely other parents, even ones with no work right now, are in the same boat? 

Announcement came from LAUSD that school re-opening is delayed until May 1. No surprises there. I’m going to assume that will be moved to end of school year which is six weeks after that. Who knows? Everyone is living minute to minute. 

After a weekend of everyone crowding hiking trails and beaches, LA’s mayor cracked down further. Thankfully I can still hike in my neighborhood, which I’ve been doing every day. It’s a strange experience. There are for sure more people out than usual - especially on a weekday. We all cross the street to give each other space. Some people act like you’re not there; some make a point of saying hello; others exchange tense pursed lips in lieu of a smile (my preferred greeting). The day may come when even leaving the house for solo exercise is forbidden. I’m getting all the walks in that I can before that happens. 

Bobby turns eight tomorrow. I never would have imagined, eight years ago tonight as I was hallucinating that the owner of the Mexican restaurant across the street from the hospital was pushing the baby out of my body, that eight years later we would be in the middle of a life-changing pandemic that would threaten our very lives and livelihoods...who could have ever dreamed this shit up? 

The BF made a run to the completely empty grocery store to procure a small cake, and I scrambled to set up a Zoom meeting with some classmates to sing happy birthday to him, instead of the fun party we had planned for next Sunday. Thankfully I bought most of his presents before Amazon started pushing back non-prioritized products. 

Day 5 - lock down

LA announced last night that we are on lock down, effective immediately. The BF came right home from work - he is off work, and without income, for the foreseeable future. Here we go.

Part of me was happy with this news, because it means I don’t have to suffer alone with all the home schooling/childcare/home duties while he traipses off to work every day, his life utterly unaffected by anything. It’s a shitty instinct to want others to suffer along with you, but I’m owning it. Having him home means, best of all, I can disappear for an hour each day to hike up to school for some much needed quiet time, exercise, and podcast listening. He can share in some of the school duties, and even make some meals. I absolutely hate the fact that he has stuffed my green, vegetarian, economical home with junk food, sodas, unhealthy snacks and meat, but I’m just going to have to get over that. I can escape to the attic or outside if all three of these men in my life really drive me nuts, and I intend to use these outlets often.

I called my refi guy again today - he said markets won’t settle for at least a couple more weeks. So I’m going to spend that much longer not knowing if my home equity will be able to bail me out or not. I also still have no clue if my event will be able to proceed. For me personally I’m happy every time there’s a new draconian measure implemented - it means the end of this thing scootches that much closer to now and makes it more likely that by September life will return to normal. 

We should hear something from LAUSD on Monday. My prediction is they will either extend the homeschooling until end of April “for now” or just call it for the end of the school year, which is only five weeks after that anyway. The teacher messaged today that they’re trying to set up remote learning. That will be a huge help. God I hope they extend school into summer.

So far I’ve been able to drag B through schoolwork (even though we’re impossibly behind) and violin practice with threats of taking video games away, and thankfully Theo only needs to practice writing words each night, which he does well at. Then I read them a chapter of Harry Potter (and attempt a Scottish accent for Hagrid), then they go to bed.

Today the BF ventured to stores - everything gone. Thankfully I have a bag of bread flour I can still use for basic cooking. He will be the only one allowed out. I figure one person as a contact with the outside world is probably smartest. Also, I’m deathly afraid of being out and about with things so crazy. So far there seems to be law and order, but you never know. Very glad I still have my .38 and bullets locked away in the safe. 

Today Bobby did a zoom session with some other kids in his class (it was pretty much just a cacophony of kids saying “hi hi hi” over and over). It made me choke up a little to see that this is what we’ve come to. 

Day four

After posting in my feminist FB group about hating the school work, many women advised me to not stress about getting it all done. It is way too much, and not realistic. So I said fuck it and we’ve just been doing small amounts each day, sort of like normal homework instead of entire days of work. It’s just enough to assuage (most of) my guilt while not throwing the schoolwork out entirely.

Governor Newsome has hinted darkly that schools will not just be shut for the two weeks originally stated. Well, we all knew that. I do not expect schools to reopen this year at all - but I’m sure they’ll just keep extending the opening date bit by bit to keep people from freaking out. I think we’re meant to hear something tomorrow. Get ready for a collective groan from all LAUSD parents. All I can say is, they’d better fucking run school all summer to help our asses out. 

Yesterday I rallied a bit and got us out of the house for a short hike in the neighborhood. The boys whined and complained the entire time. I have to say a little sunshine and fresh air helped me a lot. I had originally intended to try to hike in the morning before the BF left for work each day, but my inability to get out of bed before 10 AM plus the endlessly shitty weather has made that impossible. If I woke up to warm temperatures and sunshine it would be different, but it’s been cold and grey and rainy for two weeks, and it shows no sign of letting up. So I just shrug and stay in bed until the kids start yelling from the other room that they’re hungry. 

Emotionally, the boys are fine. They don’t miss school or their friends at all. They are delighted by the amount of screen time they’re getting, and attention from me. I’ve been baking a lot, and I read a chapter from Harry Potter to them every night, and we eat three meals a day together. I make sure they get dressed and brush teeth every day, and do *some* school work and violin practice, but other than that...meh. I’m keeping expectations low. I hope at some point some kind of virtual classroom can be set up so Bobby can be plunked in front of the computer to at least learn from a professional each day - but I know that may never be possible. 80% of LAUSD kids are on free or reduced price meals. Like these households are going to have internet and computers! 

With all my baking I ran out of flour, milk, and butter. I asked the BF to get some on his way home. Other than not wanting to drag kids to the store, and wanting to limit infection possibilities to only one person in the house, quite honestly I’m scared to go to a store right now. My last shopping trip a week ago was quite enough for me, with the crazy crowds and unstable, menacing energy. I’m pretty shocked that a week later the stores are still like that - empty shelves, desperate people. Haven’t we figured out by now that we’re not going to be left starving in our houses, even in the worst case scenario? My mind reels at the massive amount of food waste heading our way - most people don’t have the slightest clue how to cook or meal plan or efficiently store food for long periods; this is going to be a disaster on so many levels. I’m going to have to resume shopping at some point...I’m hoping the worst of the insanity dies down soon. But I’m not going to hold my breath.

Still waiting to hear from Amsterdam, but all of our April gigs are off. No DC, no Houston, no San Luis Obispo. No concept of what will happen to my event, no word from the refinance guy. I’ll call him Monday if I haven’t heard anything by tomorrow. God, I hope he has a plan for me. To refinance and then get a heloc for as much as I can would be ideal - then the money can just be available if I need it. But I need to be prepared if refinance isn’t possible. Then I’ll most likely need an SBA loan. 

My book clubs are starting to set up virtual meetings, and I’m going to brave a hike with a friend this weekend (while keeping a respectable distance). I’m hoping for some semblance of (online) sociability to return next week...but again...not holding my breath.

Quarantine day one

I’m over it. And it’s barely begun.

Over the weekend cities shut down like so many dominoes collapsing. No bars, no restaurants, no gyms, no casinos, November! 

We are (mostly?) all on board. Yes, social distancing. It will hurt more now to make it hurt less later. I get it. We all get it. We’re doing the thing. I have only left the house once since Friday - for a short hike up to the boys’ school yesterday. Too many people out - I crossed the street a lot, didn’t touch crosswalk buttons. Still washed my hands when I got home. Some people estimate pretty much everyone in New York City is infected by now. Good times.

When the fed dropped the interest rate to 0% I immediately called the guy who did my last refinance back in 2004. He told me that no, it doesn’t mean I can get a 0% mortgage, but that yes, it’s probably a good time to refinance. He says he needs things to settle for a few days but he’ll be in touch. My hope is I can borrow upwards of $100,000 off the house now and just have it sitting there in case I can’t run my event this year. The sense of well being I could get from that would be tremendous. Cancel, don’t cancel - it won’t matter any more. It won’t be the first time this house has saved my ass. I hope I’m able to do all this. We shall see. 

But for now...I can’t get motivated. It’s cold and rainy, I have a cold, I’m probably getting my period today, and I just don’t want to do anything. The groups and posts and lists of “things to do with kids” are multiplying. People are getting up at 6 AM and making their kids sit at desks to do schoolwork all day. They are coordinating theme outfits, making cute videos of dance parties, baking with toddlers, making revelatory poetic statements about how great it is to have the opportunity to slow down and spend time with their families. It’s great. Right?

Yeah...no.

This is the worst thing that’s happened to all of us. People are going to be broke and desperate. Businesses that have been nurtured through 9/11 and recessions and trends are going to fold overnight. Even if our health survives our economy won’t. Which then changes the lives of the businesses that do survive, like mine. Oh, I’ll survive this, thanks only to my home equity. But what will my future look like, with these super bugs sweeping through humanity every few years? It’s very uncertain. Maybe I should start manufacturing toilet paper. 

Beyond this...I resent being put into a position of having to be my kids’ school teacher. There, I said it. I hate it. I don’t want to do it. They don’t want to do it. They want to play video games all day and I want to stay in my bedroom and watch trash tv. All these services offering free educational stuff to keep kids busy...they all require logging on to websites and creating accounts and picking user names and passwords with at least one number and eight letters and one upper case letter and one special character and I just can’t deal. I’m a horrible person. I’m ok with that.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll rally and get us out for nature walks and make them turn everything off and read and start making them do some chores. Maybe this is just my PMS talking. But yeah. Not feeling it. 

Weirdest birthday ever

School is canceled. We didn’t know yet, when I dropped the boys off in the morning on Friday. As I pulled up to the school, I looked back at them and said, “ok boys, this may be your last day of school for a really long time - enjoy your friends and be nice to your teachers, ok?” 

I drove to the rose bowl for my usual walk but it was pouring rain by the time I got there, so I just sat and obsessively scrolled. School closing announcement came; they say two weeks, but the boys were sent home with two months’ worth of work. I know schools in Washington state are closed until end of April - that’s what I’m going to expect here, too. I hope they have the kids go to school all summer so I don’t have to shell out for summer camp, too. Of course the very idea that life could be normal enough by summer that we could even sign up for camp seems remote at the moment. It’s funny to think I once saw a week off school due to the teachers’ strike as a huge life adjustment! Now not only are schools closed for probably months, but due to social distancing there will be no relief in the form of rec centers opening up, play dates, classes, indoor play areas, malls, movies, or playgrounds. There is literally nothing we can do but sit at home. For months. 

I had two brunch and movie dates with girlfriends this weekend; canceled both. In fact I removed all my social engagements and gigs for the next two months off my calendar. It is as bare as a baby’s bottom. I am trying not to fall into utter despair. 

Despite having bought Theo three cupcakes I decided to make a cake from scratch which turned out to be an utter disaster (no more making cakes from my 1930s cook book - they’re all dry and tasteless) and then spent the afternoon wrapping his presents. He seemed delighted with everything, and now the boys are playing their new PS4. What’s going to get me through the next few weeks of isolation? That PS4 is, that’s what. You’ve gotta love children and their complete inability to grasp world events. Theo doesn’t have the slightest clue what’s going on, only that it was his sixth birthday and he got cool presents and everything is awesome. God bless his innocent little soul. 

My event situation remains in flux - I issued a statement that we are hopeful to continue operations as usual; and that is still my hope, but I’m preparing for the worst. The only thing I can think of to stay afloat if the event is canceled or takes a huge hit due to low attendance is to try for a small business disaster loan as I did after Katrina. Honestly, if events and businesses are still closed six months from now the world will be in such utter chaos that I’m sure I won’t be the only one suffering and there will have to be emergency measures in place - stoppage of mortgage payments, utilities, health insurance, etc, otherwise about 80% of the US will be out on the street starving. How do you all like Trump’s America? Are we winning yet? You assholes?

I keep looking at my FB profile picture, taken just last weekend-! and feeling like I’m looking at a picture of a nightclub in Warsaw the night before Nazi tanks rolled into Poland. Everything was so normal. And then it wasn’t, and everything was the worst nightmare imaginable. Literally in a matter of days. This is our reality right now. And I’m sad to say it’s only going to get worse. All of us are going to know someone who dies because of this. Many businesses and artists will never be able to continue because the economic devastation is so intense. We may not even be able to hold an election, which is more terrifying to me than anything. 

Since we’ve taken these draconian measures in LA, will it save us? Will two months of hunkering down help us avoid becoming northern Italy? Or was this all too late and within a week we’ll be there anyway? How bad is it going to get? Will life ever be normal again? These are the questions everyone is asking. And the one thing we need most - community in-person support and comfort - we can’t have. 

For now, this was last night at Theo’s little party. He is six. He is smart and funny and full of energy. He passed his Orange Words with 100%. We are proud of him and glad he’s here. 

What a difference a day makes

It seems like the reality of Coronavirus finally hit yesterday. Things happened very quickly. One minute I was advising a friend to go ahead and run her dance that night - an hour later I was canceling the boys’ birthday party in two weeks. 

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, America’s sweethearts, have Coronavirus, while the orange turd has been in constant contact with infected people and yet has managed to repel it like a prom dress after the dance. Tomorrow is Theo’s sixth birthday. Everything is awful.

We have three band trips in the next two months - I’m fairly certain at least two will be canceled now. One is a wedding in Houston - I don’t see how we could get out of that. But everyone is nervous about getting on an airplane right now and ending up stuck somewhere - I am, too. I don’t know what’s going to happen with that. 

I’m preparing for schools to be closed soon, perhaps by next week. 

Most of my friends are in a way worse situation than me - they are mostly dancers and musicians who rely on events for income. My future is still up in the air - no guarantees I’ll have an event, or one in which I don’t lose my shirt even if it goes on - but it’s better than being pressured to cancel and then stuck with fees and deposits and paid for flights and all of that. What a nightmare. I still have some semblance of hope. Nobody has emailed asking what my plan is or canceling. Let’s keep it that way. 

I went to get my taxes done last night, and as I’d anticipated, they were a mess. Started out owing thousands of dollars (!), because sure enough the accountant missed a bunch of big expenses. Partially my fault - it’s a long story. So today I have to go through everything with a fine tooth comb. Ugh. We had to file an extension. I’ve never had to do that before. I take it as a personal failure.

My normal grocery trip today was a nightmare. My usually empty store was packed with panicked people and empty shelves. For someone like me who lives in the dried bean section, to find all those shelves bare filled me with rage. Are you kidding me? None of you fuckers are going to cook dried chick peas! You’re just going to order pizza!!!

I also used the word “cunt” to describe a right winger in my newsfeed mocking the crisis. If she had been in front of me I would have ripped her ears off. I am officially losing it.

I have never been less enthusiastic to celebrate my precious boys’ birthdays than I am right now. I bought three sad little cupcakes for a little family party tomorrow and that’s it. Two days ago I was planning a giant party for sixty-plus people. Today I’m planning for the coming apocalypse. 

Tell me, momma, what things were like when I was in school? Oh, let’s see...

Escalation

Believe it or not I feel better even though circumstances are actually worse than they were on Monday (somewhat). Why? Because you can’t live at that level of stress forever. Eventually your body just gives out.

So our California primary is over and my candidate dropped due to shockingly low returns. I am somewhat bolstered by the fact that nobody predicted the fall of Warren and the rise of Biden. I was quite bitter about it - I mean, you know, rampant sexism strikes again - but I posted a “tell me something good about Biden” question in my feminist FB group and got lots and lots of good information. I’ve paid absolutely zero attention to him, but the fact that Black voters came out in droves for him made me sit up and take notice. Bernie - I love you, man, but if your most ardent supporters don’t even show up at the polls, you’ve lost me. This is the highest stakes election cycle of our lives. WE CANNOT FUCK THIS UP. I’ve mourned the unfair loss of yet another awesome female candidate, but it’s time to move on and get to work. 

Swing dance organizers are mobilizing to address coronavirus. The ones really screwed are the ones in April and May - not close enough that they have to proceed (like the one I’m singing at this weekend in Irvine), but just close enough that they have to shut down. One “comforting” fact is according to my hotel contract it doesn’t look like I’d be on the hook for $200,000 if the government decided to cancel all events. So that’s one less worry. But how to survive for one-two years with no income at all...that’s another story entirely. The only thing I could think of was trying to take money out of the house - which would absolutely break my heart since I have been working so hard to pay it down, and am so close to that goal (just three years!). But that’s the only place I could get money, unless I can get government help. I remember after Katrina that as a rental property owner I was at least able to get a low interest disaster loan - maybe something like that might be available. 

I’m somewhat encouraged by the fact that the situation in Los Angeles has not gotten out of control yet - not much change since Monday - but that could turn on a dime at any moment. We could wake up tomorrow with hundreds or even thousands of new cases. Who the hell knows? I’m just clinging to the fact that my event is far away still - six months - and I don’t have to worry about money to live on since I have enough in the bank right now to last until the end of the year (if I had no event expenses) unless of course everyone wants refunds, in which case I’m screwed. But nobody has asked yet, so there you go. I am definitely in a more advantageous position than most. For now. 

Our band has not been canceled from anything yet, either. Our one international trip this year to the Netherlands in May is on; they just bought our flights. Will we actually take that trip, or Houston in April or DC a couple of weeks later? Again, who fucking knows! 

I was comforted by the news that this virus does not seem to affect children, so that deep primordial terror of my children dying has passed. Without that I feel like I can take on any adversity thrown at me - but boy would having my event canceled a year or two in a row pretty much destroy me financially. Katrina was fifteen years ago and I still have yet to make a dent in that debt I ran up. 

Thursday I bought extra cat food, toilet paper, and coffee, and a few extra groceries, but I didn’t go nuts. Maybe I should. But right now it doesn’t look like I need to prepare for an apocalypse just yet.

Bizarrely, the BF, who has been making pretty much minimum wage the five years I’ve known him, is just now starting to implement some business ideas he’s been talking about for ages, and it’s actually working. Wouldn’t it be crazy if his star started to rise just as mine was snuffed out? I quipped last night at his birthday dinner that he may soon find himself supporting this whole family. Don’t think I don’t recognize what a fucking luxury it is to have another adult around at a time like this. I’ll believe it when I see it - I’m still very skeptical when it comes to seeing his dreams followed through on - but it’s starting to look more plausible.

I’ve seen far too many people in Trump regalia in the last week. I want to punch them all in the face. 

On that note - stay safe, everyone! 

Misery loves company

I had a full-on anxiety meltdown today. The BF is coming home with CBD oil for me to try. It’s time for some reinforcements.

After having laughed in his face over his desire to stock up on masks, hand sanitizer and weeks’ worth of supplies due to the Coronavirus over a month ago...now all of a sudden we are here, with the entire world in a panic and big box stores sold out everywhere. Today I woke up to an old insurance agent friend of mine urging me to get a cancellation policy for my event - after chasing that dragon all day, it appears they already have language exempting cancellations due to Coronavirus. Those fuckers move fast. I also woke up to another friend suspending registration for her event in May and possibly canceling; another one asking if I think she should cancel her spring event, and everywhere everyone talking about canceling all travel for the year. I’m in so much trouble.

Then there’s that fucking AB5, which will wipe out all of my businesses if Coronavirus doesn’t do it first. No movement on that whatsoever. Nobody knows what to do and everyone is panicking. 

Then there’s the fucking election tomorrow, which at this point has become some kind of twisted labyrinthine mind fuck. Vote for who you genuinely like? Or strategize who you think everyone else likes, only to discover none of it matters because this country is so fucking racist and ignorant and brainwashed by Fox News that Drumpf is just going to win in a fucking landslide in November anyway because everyone thinks democratic socialism is Mao-level communism. Ok great.

I was so desperate for any kind of consolation today that I actually started summing up our household and patting myself on the back for being such a pioneer woman that we’d survive any quarantine or shortages easily - shit, I know how to live rough! I can bake bread and stretch ingredients and live on lentils - I do that every day anyway! I’m growing my own vegetables, we have tons of citrus trees in full bloom, I have a giant pile of firewood, tons of dried goods, and a gun. We’ll be fine. 

Ignoring the fact that if the world really stops to the point that major American cities shut people in their houses for weeks or months at a time...so many people we know will have died at that point and so many businesses and lives will be irreparably ruined, life won’t really be worth living much anyway. No amount of bread flour is going to help that grim reality.

Am I hysterical? Definitely. More than likely things will have calmed down by September and I’ll be able to hold my event; AB5 is so utterly destructive that most of us will probably ignore it and nobody will have the wherewithal to punish us...the election...I don’t see going well. Honestly I have no answer for that one except I won’t be alone in my utter despair come November. Four more years of children in cages, angry protests, women’s and POC’s rights stripped away piece by piece, liberals cannibalizing each other because we have nowhere else to funnel our rage, shitty or non-existent healthcare, environmental apocalypse, smug white assholes in MAGA hats. I just can’t.

Today I actually had the thought that if my kids catch the virus and don’t make it, and Drumpf gets re-elected, I’m just going to take myself out. We had a good run, I at least got some of the advantages of late-stage capitalism, but it’s all downhill from here. I wasn’t appalled by this thought, because I saw it for what it actually was - not real suicidal ideation, but my pattern-seeking brain’s desperate attempt at developing a plan for relief so I can get some vestige of control back in this out-of-control world. Hey, if worse comes to worst, I can always do that. I don’t have to live without my children in a shit hole world; I have a plan for that. The smart women always have a plan.

So, tomorrow we vote, the ultimate hopeful act. It wouldn’t be so painful if I still believed any of it matters. My vote will land on deaf ears - Warren will never get the nomination - and we’ll be left with candidates too boring or too scary to knock out Drumpf. Am I wrong? GOD I hope so. But right now I’m utterly hopeless. 

And yet I’ll get up Tuesday, make the kids breakfast, send them off to school, take Bobby to his violin lesson, walk them through their homework, and vote. Because sometimes the illusion of control is better than nothing at all.