One week out

In a week I'll be right in the middle of my event. I have no idea how I'll feel at this point - my main concern, because it's such an unknown, is how is B going to do? Will he sleep? How will his eating be? Where and how am I going to change diapers? How will I make sure we both get adequate food and water? Back in the day I didn't eat anything all weekend and my jaws were so clamped shut from stress I could barely fit a toothbrush in. Can't do that today, no sir. Have to take my vitamins, drink plenty of water, eat a good breakfast, etc etc. And then next year there's going to be a toddler AND a baby. Oy!

Despite how much I've been working, there's still so much to do. Spent all night last night starting the teacher's information packets and night packets; nowhere near done. I have to spend all night tonight finalizing the schedule and writing more text for handouts; even THEN it won't be anywhere near done. I have all week mapped out with all of my jobs. It's going to be tough getting it all done, plus the elaborate amount of cooking and packing of food that's required to feed B for (technically) five days. That's a whole job in itself.

I'd feel much better if the money didn't suck so bad. I keep asking myself how I went so horribly wrong that I'm so broke now - this was supposed to be the year I finally broke through and started making real money, the year I didn't have to worry anymore. Not only did I not get the turnout I anticipated (I'm about neck and neck with last year) but at the moment am $20,000 off from last year. It's easy when you connect the dots - $12,000 in sewer line repairs, an extra month of living expenses, plus $500+ in babysitting a month starting in March that had to come straight out of my bank account. That adds up to $20,000 easily. But the question is, what the heck do I do now? The money is gone and spent, and now I have this huge expensive event looming ahead of me...I'm beginning to worry that not only will I have no money to live on but I won't even be able to pay for the event. And I can borrow money to live on, but it all has to be paid back. Years ago when I was sued I was in this endless debt cycle for about four years - after paying my $53,000 in legal fees, I had to live on credit cards; I would run my event, pay down the card, have no money left to live on, run up the card, have the event, pay down the card, etc etc. The only thing that finally freed me of this was just rolling the credit card debt into my home mortgage; that's when things finally turned around. But that was back when home values were taking off astronomically (around 2005); that is no longer an option for me. I just don't want to get into another debt cycle like that, where I never have any actual money, just credit that has to be paid back with interest. It's a horrible way to live.

Last year I had a huge rush in the last week. Please, please let this happen again. Any amount will help. And the fact that I have one less month to live between now and next year's registration definitely helps; I try to remind myself of this every time I start panicking, that in fact I only have to make it to Feb 1st. But then I remember how I could potentially be on the hook for $7000 + for this birth, like last time, and that makes me shudder. The fact that I ever thought I'd be able to afford preschool right now seems laughable to me. My how my fortunes have changed!

I think the best I can hope for right now is to "barely squeak by". At the moment even that seems like a stretch; most likely I'll have to borrow money for the last couple of months just to get through to February, pay my property taxes, etc.

Then I watch documentaries like The Pruitt-Igoe Project and I feel stupid for even complaining. I have everything and still I'm not satisfied. There's just no pleasing some people, huh?