P.O.W (Psychotic Ovulating Woman)

Today I woke up to POAS only to find - no surge!!! The line looked the same as it had last night. Frustrated doesn't begin to describe it.

I called the clinic and left a message for the nurse practitioner, asking advice on what to do next. I figured hey, maybe we can do an ultrasound tomorrow and just look around and see what's what. 

Not wanting to miss the return call, I kept my phone literally glued to my body all day. And of course my phone, which never rings, rang off the hook with all kinds of unimportant shit. I took us to the park to get my mind off it. Going to the park is becoming increasingly difficult. Bumpus is able to walk long distances now, so it's impossible to set up camp in one place and expect him to stay nearby. And the last two days despite the enormous grassy expanse being completely empty, groups of people have decided to set up right next to us and throw a frisbee or football around, invariably aimed right at B's head, which means I have to keep picking him up and moving him out of their way, which always results in kicking and screaming. I feel like being a total bitch and saying, "um, you've got this whole huge park, can you just move over there and throw your stupid football around?" But I digress. 

At one o'clock I got back from the park and decided to take another test, being as I'd taken the first one at 6 am. Guess what? Surge. So I called the clinic and left another message saying I did in fact have a surge and could I come in tomorrow. And then waited. And waited. 

It got to be 3:30 and still no return call. I began to question myself - is this really the surge? That line could get a little darker, surely. And why haven't I had any cramping? Should I test again? What if they didn't get my messages?

Since the NP says on her machine that she only returns calls before 4 pm and not at all Friday-Sunday, I decided to be proactive and speak to the front desk. And I'm so glad I did, because apparently the NP had only been in for a minute that day and hadn't even checked her messages-! So, long story short, I set up an "insem" for 11 tomorrow morning. Here we go.

I'm still unsure about the surge, and am bothered that I've had no cramping. I don't feel 100% that this is the perfect timing. I hope we can do another ultrasound tomorrow even if it's going to cost me another $200. After all, had we done one in April '11 I wouldn't have wasted that money or two more months' time thinking everything was fine when it wasn't. I could even throw caution to the wind and do two IUIs back to back...but it's all about egg quality, so I don't so much want to waste two $600 vials and have two $400 (I think?) procedures when this egg may be no good. Someday they'll have the technology to test egg quality without having to draw them out of your body and see if they fertilize. Until they do, us IUI types just have to play the numbers game.

So tomorrow's the day, unless something happens to prevent it. I'm happy about it, of course, but today my emotions were all over the place just trying to nail this thing down. I was ok with B, but boy am I glad I don't have a partner right now! Talk about a one track mind. I can't even stand myself right now. 

The urge for a second child is different and yet the same than the urge for the first. I don't have the same level of fear about it, because I know what to expect. But I do have the same level of insatiable obsession - I feel like if I got a flat tire on the way to the appointment tomorrow I would abandon my car and run the whole rest of the way a la The Graduate. There's just this hormonal beast inside of you that demands THIS HAS TO HAPPEN. It's that old clock, the biological imperative to replace both parents. This is why so few people begin the process of having children with the intent of having just one - most people say, "I don't know, we'll see, maybe..." And people in relationships have the luxury of just chucking the birth control and saying whatever happens, happens. I mean some people do genuinely want only one child, but I think this is rare. Most people would have more if they felt they had the financial and emotional resources. Even people with shitty pregnancies and/or labors. We're just driven that way. I, for one, am tired of fighting it. Let's just go with the flow.