I guess I just get an idea in my head and it's hard to let go. I can be kind of rigid that way. I still think B's birthday is his due date and not his actual birthday! But also I'm afraid - that I'll never see a surge, or worse, that everything will be ambiguous...no cramping, no surge, then what? How could I possibly ovulate later than Friday? If I ovulate as late as the weekend, does that mean it's a "weak" ovulation? Again I have to remind myself, at least on Friday we can always run another ($200) ultrasound. But then no more until Monday.
Anyway I took another test at 6 pm today, twelve hours after the first. It looks ever so slightly darker. I should see a surge by tomorrow morning. Right??? And cramping. Right???
As you can see I'm getting all psychotic about this already and I haven't even started yet! Good times. I blame the hormones. I've been on edge all day, and resentful of anything that tries to take my attention away from obsessing on my nether regions (except B, thankfully). I guess I'm just afraid this first attempt will be bungled somehow. That would suck because then I'm out until August.
I keep reminding myself we saw a follicle, which even right now should only be about 17 or 18 mm. And with the egg and sperm both living 12-24 hours each, there's a couple day window there where the egg could be on its way out just as the sperm gets there, or the sperm could be just dying off as the egg drops. I watched a short animated video on babycenter about fertilization. I was riveted. Not that I don't know how it all works - more than most people! - but to see it in action like that, and know that that's happened inside me twice, is pretty incredible. How that one unique sperm and one unique egg combine to make a unique individual. Someone who could cure cancer or write amazing songs or just be a cool person who mattered to the world.
I hope whenever that defrosted sperm meets my waiting egg, one of them says to the other, "of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine."
Oh the mind eff of TTC...hang in there & keeping my fingers crossed for you
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the surge! I never got 'fully' positive OPKs, where the lines were the same color, but if I got any line at all, it matched up with other symptoms, and I'd get my period after the expected amount of time. It makes me wonder what was going on with those cycles, since I never tested once I started TTC -- I always used a trigger. It sounds like your body has made great progress over the past months, and I hope these last (big!) pieces fall into place!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't tell you how many times I have told people Isaac's birthday is the 28th (the day I went into the hospital) instead of the 30th (the day he was actually born)!
ReplyDeleteI hope your unique egg gets everything going properly so that you can create another cool person that matters.
I'm soooo familiar with TTC brain. And I always got really, really cranky right before my surge and the surge was like "nice" hormones finally returning to me. I always felt better once I surged. Good luck & I hope you surge today!
ReplyDeleteI had to pee on those things every 4 hours around the clock to catch my surge.
ReplyDeleteI hate how all this makes you (us) think too much. I know how hard it is, but try and trust your body knows what its doing... FX for you
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