38 weeks

So, I made it to the point I was at last time where they first started really pushing for induction. I do feel relief that this topic has not come up in any real way yet. But today's appointment was a mixed bag.

Only trace protein in the urine - but high blood pressure - up to 137/96, which is not good at all. So, much to my consternation the midwife sent me to get an NST...which took half an hour, and then the NST nurse automatically scheduled me to come in twice a week from now on. Dammit!!!

I'm not proud of the fact that I was a total bitch during my entire 2 hour appointment - the midwife pointed out my *slightly* swollen ankles and as always demanded to know how many glasses of water I drink a day, and I snapped, "I feel like all I fucking do all day is fucking drink water and pee." Yes, I am that patient. Sorry.

But in my defense I was dragged out of bed for a hella early appointment that was made for me which nobody checked with me first about the time, I was stuck in horrible dead-standstill traffic all the way to the appointment because of this massive rainstorm we're having, making me 20 minutes late, and I was feeling very nauseated which pissed me off even more. So I was just in no mood. And then to be sent to the NST place...and now trapped in that loop...ugghhhh. So it's not as bad as being sent to L&D and not allowed to go home, but it's close.

The midwife had blood run today, and I already have the results. Thankfully everything is in the normal range (although many inching towards not normal, the results are better than my 38 week labs from last time). The midwife explained to me that she's doing all this - the NSTs, blood work - to use as evidence against my being induced early. Well, ok. Those NSTs sure are a pain in the ass, though. Bleh. Welcome to living at the effing hospital from now on.

As always I felt myself getting extremely angry and defensive about my health issues - the blood pressure, the swelling. And I know I'm not the only pregnant woman to feel this way, but talking to my sister reminded me of why this is such a trigger for me and why I get so angry - because I come from a religion that believed every problem, everything that happened to you, and certainly every health problem, was entirely your fault. So I was constantly blamed for everything - you stub your toe, it's because you thought something negative; you catch a cold, it's because you've been slacking on your religious studies; you have an upset stomach, it's because you did something bad. So when a midwife bemoans my high blood pressure, what I hear is, "well, what have you been doing that made you have high blood pressure?" And I get so angry I want to punch her in the throat. Issues much?

So I feel slightly bolstered by the decent test results...as of midnight tonight I will have officially made it to having a March baby; I have made it to and past 38 weeks; and hooray, B's insurance kicks in 3/1 which has been a major source of anxiety for me being as unbeknownst to me he's pretty much been not covered for the past two months. 

I won't lie - I feel like absolute garbage. Yesterday we went to the mall play place and when we got back I nearly collapsed. It doesn't help that I've been pretty nauseated all week, which is just the cherry on top. I could cope a lot better without that. 

I have a lot of stuff going on this weekend - I am still debating how smart it is to do all this long distance driving around in the rain...but the thought of sitting here obsessing does not appeal to me. I think it's best to go about my business and get my mind off all this crap. 

High Anxiety

Had a bit of a freak out yesterday. Felt nauseated and "off" all day, plus had this persistent period-like cramping pain on the right side of my lower abdomen. Googling only showed these to be either a) symptoms of early labor, or b) not symptoms of early labor. I didn't bother to call any advice lines or go in anywhere because what I was experiencing could hardly be considered contractions - nothing time-able or rhythmic, just a dull annoying pain. However it did freak me out that that was exactly how I felt after the Cervidil used at the beginning of my induction last time. A dull, annoying pain, like period cramps. For hours.

In the end it felt better when I changed position (I find sitting in my glider extremely uncomfortable now, and almost impossible to get up from), and was so tired by 11 PM I told myself to just go to sleep because there was nothing to be done about it now anyway. 

And of course today I'm fine. But I have to admit last night I was freaked out. After all my harping on about wanting to experience spontaneous labor, I now wonder if I have the stomach for it! Be careful what you wish for, huh? The uncertainty is killing me. Now when people ask how much longer, as a man did in the supermarket today, I can honestly say "oh, any day now!" 

The thing that bugs me the most is possible false alarms - like last night - if it gets to the point of getting all set up with my doula ready to meet me, the sitter on her way from San Diego, my sister on a plane, some friend inconvenienced in the middle of the night to come sit with B, and me in Labor & Delivery being told, "yeah, go home. You're not in labor, you just have indigestion." Although the odds are this is a lot less likely with a second baby, it's still a possibility. Now that would suck. But I have zero experience with "real" labor so it may be a bit touchy. Unless my water breaks I really may not know what's happening. You cramp and hurt and feel weird all the time at this point. When is it for real?

Part of my problem is I've cleared most of my activities in anticipation of possible labor...which has left me bored, lonely, and obsessing. I am thinking I might load up my schedule even if I have to cancel everything just so I can keep busy and keep my mind off things. Of course it's set to start raining here tonight for several days, which in LA means don't leave the house because the roads are so dangerous. What the heck am I going to do cooped up with an active two-year-old for five days??? I'd better start making some plans pronto!

Here is a pic taken of B at the baby kennel last weekend for "Hispanic Awareness Day" - of the least Hispanic kid in the place, ha ha!

 

Doin' the Crab Walk

So, went to my appointment with the random OB today. My urine test came back...negative! So, from plus one to negative! I was thrilled. Maybe it wasn't a clean catch last time, or maybe it was the protein loading and (mostly) clean eating all week...? But anyway, what a relief.

The blood pressure wasn't so great - 132 over something. It's never that high at home. But still not enough on its own to mean anything. This OB mentioned that they "automatically induce" after 37 weeks for high blood pressure, even borderline cases like mine. Ugh! So glad I'm not under her care. I love the way people throw around inductions like it's no big deal. Unfortunately so many women are so "done" at this point that they welcome it, not knowing how fucking horrible inductions can be. And I'm sorry but you'll never convince me that a 37 weeker is "full term". No sir.

So as I have so often done in the past, I slowly crab walked out the door - "ok...thanks so much...byeeee!" before they changed their mind and kept me for some reason. Whew! I have now bought myself time until 38 weeks on Friday and my next appointment. If that one goes well I will buy time until 39 weeks. No blood tests ordered, no 24 hour urine catch, no freaking NSTs. Thank GOD.

I hate to have that antagonistic feeling about my health care providers again, but unfortunately this is kind of what happens at the end. For the longest time they want to keep that baby in you no matter what; then it all changes and they want to get that baby out of you no matter what before their liability starts to kick in, not caring that the baby is not ready to be born, your body is nowhere near ready to go into labor, and whatever issues you're having are borderline at best. And I hate that about our system. 

BUT for me the news is good for now, and I'm getting so close to being within my comfort zone for delivery. I got my taxes done over the weekend, so that huge hurdle is passed. Current goals?

Make it to book club Weds

Make it to memorial service and two gigs this weekend

Make it to due date

Almost there-!

Are you done?

Are you done? This is a question I get asked a lot these days. My honest answer right now is no! Although given the chance this will change to yes in a week or two, or three...given the chance. Not that I desire to continue being this pregnant. But I do desire to have a healthy full term baby. Yet another way as parents we happily sacrifice our comfort and convenience for the well being of our children, without a second thought. 

I often think about how great it'll be to be light and lean again - to be able to bound out of a chair, bed, or car without shooting pain, to be able to pick up B without worry, to go on long walks again, to get in the hot tub! Last night I took a minute to paint my toenails and nearly passed out. Shaving my legs produces similar issues. The women on my WTE app post constantly about how to keep their vajayjay groomed, when you can't even see it. Thankfully I have no one to impress so this area has long been happily neglected!

Today my cleaning lady comes (bless her) and then tomorrow B has a long stint at the kennel so I can attend my SMC meeting and then do my taxes. It's not what I would like but unfortunately my tax appointment was moved from today, so it leaves me with nothing at all to do today and way too much going on tomorrow. Oh well, it bought me some time not having to work on the taxes last night, which was a welcome break. 

I try to picture life now with the two boys, which is so close. How will it really feel to be a "mother of two"? I still think of that term and think it can't possibly apply to me. How will Bumpus be as a big brother? Will they be buddies or just annoy/ignore each other? What if they have nothing in common? What if Bumpus never quite adjusts? 

But those are all worst case scenarios. I know B will be fine, but I know enough to expect an adjustment period. I am setting myself up to be understanding, though, and (hopefully) not be angry, punishing mommy if he acts out. It's a huge thing about to happen to him and I want to make sure I lovingly guide him through it.

 

37 weeks

Got a call at 8 AM that my midwife appointment had been canceled, so rescheduled for crazy early tomorrow morning. Then that appointment was canceled. Rescheduled for Monday with some random OB, so this week I'll be seen not at all and next week, twice. Better next week than this week, in my opinion! I can handle the shit hitting the fan once I hit 38 weeks. But not now.

I know my health is in no danger because my many blood pressure checks a day have always been normal. And I feel pretty ok, considering. As you know my fear is not our health being jeopardized but the medical community getting all overly cautious and trying to shame me into early induction. But again...hitting 38 weeks next week I feel slightly less panicked about this. Every day makes me feel just a little better, because it's another day I get to cook baby T a little longer. 

And the list of things to do diminishes every day, too. I hired a nice man who lost his grandson in a car crash to come over and move B's carseat and install his old one for Theo, so that's done. I cleaned up the upstairs for my sister's stay. I stocked up on food today just in case I'm not allowed to leave one of my appointments. Working on my taxes all week which will hopefully get done this weekend. Paying bills. Heck, I may even paint my toenails - if I can reach them!

My savior lately has been a park one of my mommy & me friends found - a gated toddler playground with tons of communal toys. We've gone there just about every day. It's just such a different vibe when the park is made specifically for toddlers and babies and there are tons of toys around that belong to no one - and you can actually sit on a bench in the shade and watch your kid push a plastic truck around for hours and relax for two seconds. Sooo much more enjoyable than the all ages parks with no gate where the big kids plough over the little kids, everyone fights over the toys, and your kid keeps running into the street  every five seconds. I may never go to another playground again! I think I'll call it Third Trimester Park.

And now to spend the night with a stack of receipts and a calculator. Blah.

The little things

A friend recently sent me an email using the phrase, "I'm sorry - I suck at life right now." This has been ringing in my mind because lately for me this has been kind of true, for obvious reasons. I feel like all I do is complain. And for that, gentle readers, I apologize. I'm really not as miserable as I sound. Believe it or not I still get out of bed with gusto each day, interact with my child whether I feel like it or not, and take decent care of myself even when it's a pain in the ass (I so often wish I could just not shower or take my iron or keep my teeth clean...but these things all have to happen, so I do them).

But here are some things that are getting super old:

Always feeling like I have a medicine ball made out of cement in my belly. I am just so heavy and uncomfortable all of the time. Sitting is agony, as is standing, lying down, walking, basically everything. How on earth do women with sciatica, back problems, etc, survive this??? Last time I remember a lot of tailbone pain and awful carpal tunnel pain in my wrists. None of that is happening this time - in fact other than an overall sense of "ugh" I don't have any pain per se. Which means I'm really getting off easy.

The constantly plugged up nose can go fuck itself. I blow my nose all day long, and then every night at about 9 PM my nose clogs up completely and I have to attempt to sleep breathing through my mouth, which is not only almost impossible for me but leaves me with a raw, dried out throat, mouth, and lips. This and, again, trying to sleep rotating around my medicine ball of a stomach which at this point only allows for direct side sleeping - no back, no stomach. Ah, good times.

I do believe the baby has now dropped, which brings the advantage of less heartburn (yay) and better ease of breathing...but also brings the unpleasantness of constantly, and I mean constantly, having to pee. It causes tremendous anxiety about being out of the house - I have had several full on accidents of the pee streaming down my legs variety, which makes me want to drink less, which causes all of these health issues - swelling, blood pressure (?), possibly the protein in urine, too. So it's imperative to drink mountains of water right now, but there's a real conflict there when that means constantly needing immediate access to a bathroom, which is difficult when your kid is playing somewhere, and you're always in places with no nearby bathrooms, or driving, or when you do get home you have to climb three flights of stairs and your kid takes a million years to do this and keeps sitting on each step wanting to play, also constantly stopping to fill your water bottle and drink isn't so convenient when in the two seconds it takes to do this your kid has turned on all the burners on the stove, pulled down all your curtain rods, emptied the garbage all over the floor that you now have to get on your hands and knees and pick up, all while simultaneously desperately needing to pee...yeah. This is why I'm none too keen on chugging gallons of water at this point even though I know I absolutely must unless I want to not be allowed to leave my next OB appointment. It's a conundrum.

I am attempting to drink a lot of water, protein load, and eat pretty clean this week in hopes of getting a better checkup on Thursday. It's kind of a science experiment. I didn't go to Krispy Kreme today as much as I so wanted to, which I consider a personal triumph. Sometimes you just have to take pride in the little things.

You can't always get what you want

This weekend I went to three birthday parties and had a gig Saturday night, so it meant seeing a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while and a lot of small talk about the pregnancy. Comments included, but were not limited to:

You definitely don't look nine months - more like seven! (they haven't seen me naked)

You look great! (Not true, but I appreciate the sentiment)

So, any day now, huh? (Not unless I have a horrible medical emergency)

And to the people I'm closer to, a recounting of my latest medical downturn. However I do feel a bit buoyed by a weekend full of normal blood pressure readings; I think even telling the doctors that I test myself all the time at home will at least make them feel like I'm taking this seriously and at least on some level being monitored. Maybe???

Anyway, I spent the day at birthday parties but then felt perfectly horrid that evening - really nauseated, tired and heavy, and like my belly was made out of cement. Oh, is this what's happening now - any amount of unusual activity and it sends me into a tailspin? I feel so incapacitated and shitty. Everything is such an effort now. All day I couldn't help but think this is how the elderly feel, those with chronic conditions - you just never feel well, and doing anything at all is a huge production. Thankfully at least some time from now this, for me, will end.

So how do I feel about a possible induction after thinking about it for a few days? Still not great, but I have to admit it would solve several problems - getting my sister out here, getting the babysitter here, and getting to the hospital. I hate to think about never getting to experience a spontaneous labor - but as noted, there's no saying that would be so great anyway, and heck, most women never get the birth experience they want. I always think of my friend who had a miserable lengthy back labor with her son, was determined to do it better the second time and got all set up with natural birthing techniques and a birth center, only to end up with a scary emergency c section. You can't always get what you want.

So now it really is just a matter of days - making it from one appointment to the next, one day to the next. I am going to start bringing my hospital bag to each appointment in case they don't let me leave. On some level it is kind of exciting - this really is it, the end! No matter what, six weeks from now there is no physical way I can still be pregnant. I made it through all of my hurdles - I got pregnant to begin with, I didn't miscarry, we passed all the genetic tests, we made it this far before hitting a bump in the road. Now just to get through the birth and we're home free.