38 weeks

So, I made it to the point I was at last time where they first started really pushing for induction. I do feel relief that this topic has not come up in any real way yet. But today's appointment was a mixed bag.

Only trace protein in the urine - but high blood pressure - up to 137/96, which is not good at all. So, much to my consternation the midwife sent me to get an NST...which took half an hour, and then the NST nurse automatically scheduled me to come in twice a week from now on. Dammit!!!

I'm not proud of the fact that I was a total bitch during my entire 2 hour appointment - the midwife pointed out my *slightly* swollen ankles and as always demanded to know how many glasses of water I drink a day, and I snapped, "I feel like all I fucking do all day is fucking drink water and pee." Yes, I am that patient. Sorry.

But in my defense I was dragged out of bed for a hella early appointment that was made for me which nobody checked with me first about the time, I was stuck in horrible dead-standstill traffic all the way to the appointment because of this massive rainstorm we're having, making me 20 minutes late, and I was feeling very nauseated which pissed me off even more. So I was just in no mood. And then to be sent to the NST place...and now trapped in that loop...ugghhhh. So it's not as bad as being sent to L&D and not allowed to go home, but it's close.

The midwife had blood run today, and I already have the results. Thankfully everything is in the normal range (although many inching towards not normal, the results are better than my 38 week labs from last time). The midwife explained to me that she's doing all this - the NSTs, blood work - to use as evidence against my being induced early. Well, ok. Those NSTs sure are a pain in the ass, though. Bleh. Welcome to living at the effing hospital from now on.

As always I felt myself getting extremely angry and defensive about my health issues - the blood pressure, the swelling. And I know I'm not the only pregnant woman to feel this way, but talking to my sister reminded me of why this is such a trigger for me and why I get so angry - because I come from a religion that believed every problem, everything that happened to you, and certainly every health problem, was entirely your fault. So I was constantly blamed for everything - you stub your toe, it's because you thought something negative; you catch a cold, it's because you've been slacking on your religious studies; you have an upset stomach, it's because you did something bad. So when a midwife bemoans my high blood pressure, what I hear is, "well, what have you been doing that made you have high blood pressure?" And I get so angry I want to punch her in the throat. Issues much?

So I feel slightly bolstered by the decent test results...as of midnight tonight I will have officially made it to having a March baby; I have made it to and past 38 weeks; and hooray, B's insurance kicks in 3/1 which has been a major source of anxiety for me being as unbeknownst to me he's pretty much been not covered for the past two months. 

I won't lie - I feel like absolute garbage. Yesterday we went to the mall play place and when we got back I nearly collapsed. It doesn't help that I've been pretty nauseated all week, which is just the cherry on top. I could cope a lot better without that. 

I have a lot of stuff going on this weekend - I am still debating how smart it is to do all this long distance driving around in the rain...but the thought of sitting here obsessing does not appeal to me. I think it's best to go about my business and get my mind off all this crap.