Viability scan - check!

Everything looked a-ok on the scan today. Measuring just right for 7w4d, and good strong heartbeat at 154 bpm. I did get a little nervous this morning - even had an awful moment wondering if it was twins (even the midwife commented my uterus is pooching out a lot more this time, which is true), but no - one healthy little guy or girl. Excellent.

Here is his/her first portrait:

Reflections on the show

I just watched First Comes Love. I thought I should blog about it while it's fresh in my mind. 

I enjoyed it, first and foremost. It didn't do some things I expected it to - get perspectives from lots of other thinker/ trier/SMC types (although she does have two sequences involving other SMCs); it didn't show very much about the pregnancy (it kind of flies by, and she gets pregnant on her first IVF, so no fertility struggles at all). So anyone looking for a detailed, fraught story of a woman's struggle to become a single mother - this isn't it. But it is her story, which is more about her relationship with her parents and reminiscing about her childhood and their childhoods than it is about struggles to become pregnant or raise the child on her own. So that did surprise me.

I was envious of her support network. She has one childless, single friend who is basically her partner through the whole process, who despite exhibiting some misgivings about being expected to be "on call" all the time, seems to get over this fairly easily and is, in fact, a de facto other parent. The biological father, a gay friend, is also surprisingly present for pretty much every milestone (it seems), also despite having sworn off any responsibility. When she returns from the hospital she has a crew of three friends camping out in her living room to help. If this weren't a documentary, I would laugh at how unrealistic this all is, that all these people say they're going to help and then actually do. So I envied her all this help - but again, it's her story. It's what really happened. 

In the end it seemed to me that the real struggle of this woman's life is not having a baby on her own - which seems like a snap - but reconciling herself to her father, in a very childish way, still seeking his approval for her choice of career and choices in general (when she first tells him she's pregnant, he says, "call the abortionist!"). That to me is the real story of this documentary, not being a single mother. 

I guess as one who had the opposite experience of most middle class Americans - the kind of people who grew up in intact families in the suburbs whose parents placed high expectations on them and frowned on any artistic leanings - I find it hard to relate. I grew up in a crazy, messy, chaotic family with an absent dad and a musician mother who actively discouraged any desire in me to go to college or do anything in a traditional way. I see again and again stories of free-spirited adult children trying to win the approval of their stubborn conservative Johnson-era parents, and I just don't get it. But then again because my parents were both so unpleasant, I was able to "individuate" in my thirties; most people never do. Seeking parental approval at this ripe old age just seems dumb to me. So I have a very different perspective from most people. 

To sum up, I wish it had been more SMC-related; I wish she had interviewed Mikki Morisette or Jane Mattes; I wish she had exhibited more anxiety about the pregnancy or process of IVF; I wish she had struggled more as a new parent. But this is her story, not mine or anyone else's. I'm so glad at least somebody had the wherewithal to document the woman's perspective of having a baby on your own. It's definitely a first.

One question that's been bugging me lately. If someone has a baby with a male friend who, whether intentionally or not, is a part of the child's life - are they really an SMC? Is it the same as someone who sets out from the beginning that there be no dad and no possibility of a dad? Curious to hear your thoughts on this.

SMC documentary tonight!

I don't have much to blog about today, but did want to make sure you all knew about the HBO documentary First Comes Love, a first hand account of a woman's journey to becoming an SMC, which airs tonight. I heard about it on NPR a few weeks ago and am thrilled to finally watch something from our perspective - usually this whole path is told from the perspective of the kids or the donors. On the west coast here it airs at 6 PM. Try to watch it if you can! Would love to "discuss" it with some of you.

As mentioned, not much else to report. Still pregnant. Was quite sick on Saturday, then not at all yesterday, and only a little bit today. Viability scan tomorrow. I am not nervous about it - maybe I'm getting cocky now, but I'd be really shocked if they didn't find anything, even though I know that happens to women every day. At this late date it would be really a tragedy to discover no heartbeat or a "missed" miscarriage, especially for how strong my symptoms continue to be (everything smells like feet). So, just holding the good thought that everything will be a-ok tomorrow.

Mostly on my mind these days is how my event looms one month away, how unprepared I feel, how much I'm dreading all the work I still have to do, and how little money I have. I know, I'm being profoundly negative about it and I need to get over that. But it's Monday, the days are numbered, and there's just so much detail-oriented stuff that has to happen now. I am just full of dread. Perhaps I have misplaced all my pregnancy anxiety on to my event. I don't know. 

Anyway, watch the movie tonight!

7 weeks

It's a gloomy, rainy day here in SoCal, but I'm kind of digging it. This time of year is almost always relentlessly hot and sunny, so I'm enjoying the change.

Feeling pretty good today. Have been consistently on the 2s as far as nausea - feeling a little icky, but basically functional - which is amazing considering how awful I felt at this point last time. Every good day is a gift at this point.

Don't let my optimism fool you, though - it's been a rough couple of days emotionally. It may be entirely hormone related, but I had sunk into a bit of a depression. I found myself having those awful downward-spiraling thoughts - that I'm not going to make it financially, that I'm being a shitty, checked-out parent, that I'm totally incapable of raising two kids on my own and this was all a huge mistake. Yes. I've had those thoughts. But, that's me on my worst days. The rest of the time I feel like I'm doing a great job keeping everything together, that things will turn around financially or may not even be as dire as they appear at the moment, that two kids isn't going to be as hard as I think. And so it goes.

I made my last, giant payment on my sewer line bill today, so I am technically free of all non-house or car debt. This sounds good but means nothing when you consider I just robbed from tomorrow to pay for today. But in the final analysis it made more sense to just take the money I have now to pay that off so I don't rack up any more interest; then when I have to use that line of credit to live on in a few months, it'll be there for me. I keep saying to myself I'll just live cheaply all year and maybe I'll make it - no traveling, no construction, no major purchases - but then it hits me like a ton of bricks: oh right, I'm going to GIVE BIRTH next year, which could run me another $7000 in hospital bills, or worse, AND I really, really need to build B his own room before the baby comes so his sleep won't be disturbed. And that should cost several thousand dollars as well. I can just skip that - but I think it would be just hellish having all three of us in one bedroom, with the baby screaming all night and waking up B and making him scream. Honestly it's worth it to me to go far into debt to make sure that scenario never happens. Those first weeks are going to be hard enough; I feel like I need to do everything I can to ease the transition for everyone. 

I was able to replace the guy who canceled out on me - at considerable cost, of course - he called and left a message yesterday; I haven't listened to it. I'm sure he's trying to make sure I'm not mad at him. But at this moment I just don't have it in me to say, "don't worry, it's cool" because it's SO not. But I don't want to lash out in anger, either. So I do nothing. And so it goes.

Hoping for 2s

Last night I fell into a bit of a pit of despair - I just felt so awful, and I've got so much work ahead of me...it all seems completely insurmountable. At least last time I felt sick before my event it was only by a few days; much of the work had been done, so I just had to suffer through the actual event. This time I've got six weeks of hard work AND suffering through the event. Oy.

Well, the good news is I feel much better today, randomly, so suddenly everything looks a lot brighter (funny how that works, when you can enjoy your food and don't feel like hurling every second, suddenly you develop a positive attitude). I don't know if it's because I loaded up on the B6 and Unisom last night and this morning preventatively, or if I just felt better for no reason. But I'll take it. Mom Guru gave me her leftover Zofran so at least I have that at the ready, too (although as stated I'm not convinced it did anything for me last time).

Tonight I spent several hours ordering the trophies and medals for my dance contests. So, that's one giant, detail-oriented job down. So many more to go. It's really something, caring for an active toddler all day, keeping a household going (cooking, cleaning, putting things away), caring for your nauseated pregnant self, and then starting your long work day at 8 PM when you're totally exhausted and just want to lie down with a cool cloth on your head. It sucks. But I did choose this, all of it. And once the event is over everything changes. I just have to make it through until then.

Today I got the unpleasant news that because one of the couples that have been sort of my right hand for probably ten + years are now having marital problems, the husband has decided he's not going this year. I had a bad feeling that might happen. So now I have to find someone to provide a sound system for my beauty contest Labor Day and DJ all the contest music all weekend long. I texted him to see if he was coming, and several hours later he wrote me that he's not. I haven't answered because I'm pretty pissed; but this guy has done all of this for me for free for years, so I really have no business being mad that he doesn't want to do it anymore. That's the problem with my kind of business - you rely on favors and volunteers, and when people flake you just have to eat it, because you can't afford to pay people. It's rough. But I may have some ideas on how to fix it. If nothing else, I am certainly resourceful when needed.

So, that's where I'm at. Yesterday my nausea was at about an 8. Today was about a 2. Let's keep hoping for 2s.

Glucose test, check

So today I endured the glucose torture test. Half hour wait, then more paperwork, then glucose drink while nauseated, then being walked through all the crap I know already (no drinking, smoking, etc), making appointments, waiting an hour, blood test, home. Like everything this time, as unpleasant as it was, it was nowhere near as bad as last time.

So once again I can't get in to see the midwife I want because she just isn't available any of the times I need to go in - and you have to keep those appointments. So, so much for that.

The good news is my viability scan is next week, followed by a genetic counseling appointment in which I can arrange for the MaterniT21 test! So excited. So I can get a picture of the baby's health AND sex soon! I hope before my event. It would be great to be able to start telling people at that point.

I feel pretty lousy today, truth be told. All I want to do is lie down in a dark room and watch The Sopranos. But, duty calls. Or doodie calls. Bumpus makes sure to leave me a big stinker every morning. Uh boy!

Official

Today I went to get registered at Kaiser. When I got to the receptionist, she told me the department had just shut down for a two hour lunch break. So I had to leave, do my grocery shopping, and come back later. Even then it took over a half hour to be seen. I entertained B by tickling his feet. 

It was the same odd, stiff younger nurse that processed me as last time. Like last time, she asked if I planned to continue the pregnancy or not. Shudder. Then they ran a pregnancy test while I waited in the waiting room. It took so long I found myself wondering what I would do if she came out and said, "your test does not indicate pregnancy at this time." Can you imagine??? But thankfully that didn't happen!

I filled out all the creepy paperwork asking if anyone had hit me or forced me to have sex recently or if I had felt suicidal in the last month, they scheduled me for the nasty-ass glucose drink test tomorrow, and that was it. I'm registered. This pregnancy is now official.

When I sang B his "day recap" song I told him we went to the hospital to put in our order for a baby brother or sister, who we can go pick up in eight months. Ah, if only it were that simple! Some day, huh? If that technology existed I'd go for it in a heartbeat over pregnancy and labor. Heck yeah.

Started the day pretty ill but rallied enough by the afternoon that I had a giant cooking spree - made curry and rice for B's dinner, ratatouille and goat cheese polenta for my dinner, and chili for lunches. This way I shouldn't have to face cooking for a while. Who knows if I will want to eat any of this - but hell, if I don't want to I can always freeze it until I do. This sickness can only last six more weeks, right? 

I emailed my midwife about her private acupuncture practice; she told me I can't bring B so I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it. I will get some Zofran as soon as I can - but like I said, it didn't do much for me last time; so far the Unisom + B6 seems to work as well/poorly as the Zofran ever did. 

Not sure when the big day - the viability ultrasound - will be. I hope it'll be next week or early the week after. Last time it was just after 8 weeks. But like giving myself permission to be a checked-out mother yesterday, I am also giving myself permission to not get all excited or wrapped up in this pregnancy until a) we see the heartbeat and b) my event is over, when I can finally relax and think about fun things like maternity clothes and nursery themes and names. The first trimester is all about survival usually anyway - mine, and the baby's. Six more weeks and I can start celebrating in earnest.