Back to the drawing board

I am sitting in my bedroom with the baby while strange men explore my attic and basement. No, that's not a cute euphemism. It's the rat guys. They're here to kick some ass.

Much to my surprise this morning I got an email from the rescue group saying yes, they could take the dog back, and if I want I could bring her Sunday. Agh! Now I'm all conflicted. But even they asked if I've worked with a trainer yet; so I decided to contact a dog trainer friend of mine, and let the rescue group know I would try this first and then be in touch. Much like with the breastfeeding, I feel like I at least need to try. I emailed the trainer and told him the situation - older chihuahua, baby, acting out. We'll see what he says. He may very well say that there's not much point in trying, or he may want to meet her. Anyway, I've accepted that this is going to be a bit of a roller coaster no matter what. But she's my responsibility so I need to make the best decision here and not be impulsive.

My play date yesterday was fun - it was interesting to see this other baby at 10 months and see my future. I can't imagine Bumpus crawling, pulling himself up, actually playing, making lots of sounds...but it's coming, oh boy is it! I think he's squirmy now - ha. Lord help me. I see a lot of chasing and bending over coming up. Hopefully the fun of an active and interactive baby will make up for the exhaustion of it.

It's funny because I think back to the newborn days and how hard it was - the breastfeeding issues, the cranky evenings, the not being able to put him down for a second, and it fills me with dread; but I have to remember that at the time it wasn't that bad. I wasn't depressed, or exhausted, or fed up. Most of the time I was thinking how it was a lot easier than I expected. So let's hope the future has a similar outcome.

It's dawned on me that most, if not all, of my systems improvement ideas for next year's event are not good ideas. It sucks because I so want to improve things - the Japanese concept of kaizen, continuous improvement - but I think re-orienting the registration and not having the merchandise on display would probably in fact cause far more problems than fix them. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? However using a better credit card system is definitely a good thing. So at least I can say I fixed one problem.

First play date

Today is Bumpus' first play date with a sweet baby named Eden who is a few months older and the child of one of my book club ladies. It will be interesting to see him interact with another baby - I'm sure he has at the drop in babysitting place, but I've never witnessed it. He can't sit up yet so his "play" I imagine will be pretty limited, but at least he grabs things and understands the concept of toys now, which is a very new thing.

I am awash with ideas for my event next year, based on things I saw at the event I just played. They had this awesome IPad-based registration system using the Square for credit card payments. They also didn't have all their merchandise displayed on a giant table but instead had mannequins with their t shirts which I assume you could get at the registration table. I love the idea of consolidating the merchandise like that; it could seriously cut down on the sheer amount of volunteers that I use every year. But will people be less likely to buy something if they have to ask for it? If it's not displayed in piles in front of them where they can rummage around and try things on? Probably. And hurting sales is the last thing I want to do. I would also have to have very trustworthy workers to use the Square device, since if it gets lost or stolen or the transactions somehow get screwed up, there goes my living for the year. This is why I currently have the customers fill out a form with all their credit card info that I then process when I get home. But by the time I get home cards have expired, been canceled, been maxed out, I can't read people's handwriting, etc. And people just hate writing out their information. There's got to be a better way.

Still no takers on the dog. I don't know why I naively thought it would be easy to re-home her. The rescue where I got her has not written back; maybe they're no longer operational. It has been four years, after all. I think the best tack to take is to leave it out there that I'm looking for someone to adopt her, but accept the fact that it may take a long time, if it ever happens. In the meantime I am trying to adjust myself to the idea of keeping her permanently, and making things as safe and manageable around here as possible. I do love the little stinker, after all.

Second Thoughts

Had a rat specialist over today. As expected, rat mediation (?) is not cheap. To seal up under the house and the attic and guarantee the work for five years the cost is $1400.  I talked them down to $1200 (probably didn’t hurt I had my adorable babe in my arms at the time) and am waiting for a call to see when they can start.  There is a radio show I’m listening to right now about the hanta virus spread by rat feces and I’m sitting here itching to get this situation sorted. If there’s one thing I know, it’s you don’t mess around with rodent droppings. Especially not with a baby in the house, no sir. The good news is, no new droppings this morning. I’m sure the dog barking and me stomping around all day has made them realize “oh crap, the people are back”. Still I can’t leave things untreated. They’re still out there.

*Warning, back pedaling ahead*

So far all avenues to have the dog adopted out have failed – and every rescue person I’ve talked to has begged me to keep her, that there is little to no chance she’ll be taken in by anyone and will likely be killed. It’s just her age. Nobody wants an old doggie, and that’s the sad truth. I had started this quest with the idea that she’d have a better life with someone else…but now I’m questioning that logic. Unless someone steps forward, I’m thinking that indeed being locked up in the office all night and yelled at by me is actually a better life than being murdered. And just so you don’t think I’m being an idiot, I think the risk to the baby is extremely minimal. I was spooked when the dog nipped at him, but she didn’t hurt him – I don’t think she could if she tried, being as she has no teeth, has never bitten anyone that I’ve seen, and is 1/3 his size. She and the baby can very easily be kept separate, no problem. I pretty much always do that now anyway – just when he was on the floor on a blanket I let her walk up to him with me right there and that’s when she nipped because she was startled that he reached out to her. What happens when he’s a toddler I don’t know…but let’s face it, she may not make it that far. I know I’m seriously back pedaling but until a nice person agrees to take her in I don’t feel comfortable parting with her – and nobody may agree to take her in. Giving her up to be killed just isn’t ok with me, sorry. I’d rather spend my life keeping her and the baby apart than have on my conscience that I sent her to her death because she became “inconvenient”.

Lately I’ve been wondering again if it’s time to set a bedtime and set naps for the baby. I’ve noticed he gets really cranky after about 9 PM. Maybe I can start putting him in a crib to fall asleep…?  Obviously I can’t have him in the bed when I’m not there. Last night I had him rolling around in the bed with me after 9 and he was just cranky as all get out; until I swaddled him, turned out the light, and fed him, and eventually he calmed and went to sleep. I’m thinking he needs more sleep than I’ve been allowing him, and maybe shouldn’t be kept on my schedule anymore. Although my last attempt at the crib was a disaster, it’s been a LONG time. Maybe it’ll be like the nipple shield, where one day I find he just doesn’t need it anymore - maybe he’ll suddenly take to the crib? All I can do is try it out, right?

Mitigating

Thanks, all, for the supportive comments. I spent the whole day dealing with these issues. Still no resolutions, but at least possible solutions.

I bit the bullet and posted on Facebook about the dog. A couple friends said they might be interested, but I can tell by the questions they asked that it won't work out. One had to talk to her husband, another has a cat. A friend of a friend wants to know if I'll agree to be financially responsible for the dog. Ah, no. My writing teacher said all the dog rescues are overwhelmed and good luck. I emailed the rescue I got her from, whose website seems to say they'll take your dog for $300. I'll happily pay this to know she'll be safe and not turned over to a shelter and killed. I kind of hope the rescue works out. I'm afraid a friend or acquaintance may want to give her back if she doesn't meet expectations. I mean, she's a hard sell. She's ancient, she barks, she can't be around kids or dogs or cats. She may only have a few years - or even months - left, and may rack up medical bills towards the end. I need a really kind hearted person to take her on. Sigh. Luckily there's no immediate danger - I can easily keep her and the baby separated, no problem. She's too tiny to get on or off any furniture without assistance, and can be kept in the office as long as is necessary. But I'd rather resolve this sooner than later. Can't even think about the guilt. Can't deal with that yet.

My sister recommended getting a real rat specialist over here to seal up access to the house rather than getting a rat zapper. She's right, the zapper would just be a band aid. I have a company coming tomorrow, damn the cost. So hopefully tomorrow will be the last time I wake up to a house full of shit.

I was dealing with so much yukky emotional crap today I decided to just go for broke and emailed my ex to tell him I am going to sue him if he doesn't pay up by end of Sept. Of course this time he answered me right away and said he would pay me, in very pissy, defensive terms. I hope the $300 comes out of his new girlfriend's pocket. Oh snap!

Tonight I put a little water in the bathtub and took Bumpus in there with me. It's the first proper bath he's ever had. He enjoyed kicking his legs and making splashes, and of course, peeing. But with the rats and the fleas and the heat I felt so disgusting that I really needed us both to have a little ablution. We'll get there. But it's going to take a little time.

Dark Thoughts

Ok. So I wish I could do a fun "settling back in" post about all the fun things we're doing now that the last trip of the summer is over, ideas I have for next year's event, etc. But some pretty fucked up things are going on around here, and I need to talk about it.

First, as I alluded to, the house is covered in rat poop. And I do mean COVERED. After I'd mentioned that in my last post, I'd only seen a couple here and there; the next morning I woke up and got the full scope. Oh no, not just a couple. Every room in the house had enough rat shit all over the floor that I had to sweep it all up. I don't know what went on in here while I was gone, but there was no food to be had, so what the hell were they doing? The very thought of rats crawling all over everything in here, my stuff, the baby's stuff, makes me so sick I want to throw up. Yesterday I felt so violated, like someone had broken in. I couldn't get comfortable, didn't want to touch anything or put the baby on anything. It's just disgusting - and dangerous. I just saw a documentary in which a man was cleaning his basement and died of the hanta virus from rat poop, so this is serious stuff. I went grocery shopping and put an overturned colander over the fruit - and this morning found piles of rat shit again all over the kitchen table next to the fruit bowl, on the kitchen floor, and in the laundry room all over the area rug I just washed. I was afraid to call someone and have them put out traps or poison that would sicken us - but have decided to stop being helpless and do something about it. The rat zapper has been pretty effective for me in the past, so I am going to buy one today and set it out tonight when I know the dog can't get in it. I have to take control of this situation before I lose my mind. And then wash the entire house in bleach.

The other, and far more upsetting situation, is the fact that I have come to the undeniable realization that I have to give my beloved dog away. I never in a million years thought I'd be one of those people who has a baby and then abandons their pets - in fact, I've had many very judgmental conversations on that very topic. But the fact is I spend my whole life mad at her - I'm always yelling at her to shut up, stop it, etc. Yesterday I got her out of the kennel from my trip, hugged her and kissed her and told her I missed her - only to have her squat down on my antique Oriental rug and take a huge shit. Then when I was carrying the sleeping baby to put him down, I stepped in yet another pile of her shit with my bare feet. I just can't take it anymore. And finally, the last straw - baby was on the floor rolling around, dog went over to sniff him (as she always does), baby reached out to her (new skill learned over the weekend), and the dog snapped at him and got really aggressive. That was it. Now not only is it annoying but unsafe. So I have put some feelers out there to people who know her and have mentioned in the past they'd take her in a heartbeat if ever I needed to give her up; if all those fail I'll contact the rescue where I got her, and an old writing teacher of mine who is a dog rescuer. There's got to be someone out there who can give her a better life than being locked away and yelled at all day - and certainly having a baby that the dog doesn't jibe with is as good a reason as any to give away a dog. I know it's the right thing to do and honestly it'll be such a relief when she's gone. But the whole situation just sucks.

Also, the pool is broken again and the house is also infested with fleas. Every time I put the baby on the floor to play he gets one or two on him. Black plague, anyone?

So last night I'm contemplating this in my rat infested house, feeling guilty and gross and like I just want to throw the whole house in the washing machine, and I started a real downward spiral. I was holding my squirming, whining baby and thinking, "I can't do this. I'm way out of my depth. Sure, I've managed the last five months, but this has been easy - just feed, sleep, change. What happens when he starts moving, talking, having to be disciplined? I don't have a clue how to be a mother. I don't know what I'm doing. I never should have done this." See how quickly I go there, when pushed by stress and exhaustion? Of course I don't really think these things, but these thoughts do float by.

But now I have to stop being helpless, think like a man, and get shit done. I have to zap these rats, make a plan for the dog and recognize that it's the best thing, and comfort my whiny baby. Time to man up!

Jiggety jig

Home, and frickin' exhausted. Air travel with a baby is truly the seventh circle of hell. My Beco carrier has dried poop all down the front, if that's any indication.

Came home to a house full of rat turds and the pool running in the middle of the night.

But all in all a good trip.

The Many Faces of Bumpus

Just for fun, some "out takes" from the 5 month "shoot":