Dark Thoughts

Ok. So I wish I could do a fun "settling back in" post about all the fun things we're doing now that the last trip of the summer is over, ideas I have for next year's event, etc. But some pretty fucked up things are going on around here, and I need to talk about it.

First, as I alluded to, the house is covered in rat poop. And I do mean COVERED. After I'd mentioned that in my last post, I'd only seen a couple here and there; the next morning I woke up and got the full scope. Oh no, not just a couple. Every room in the house had enough rat shit all over the floor that I had to sweep it all up. I don't know what went on in here while I was gone, but there was no food to be had, so what the hell were they doing? The very thought of rats crawling all over everything in here, my stuff, the baby's stuff, makes me so sick I want to throw up. Yesterday I felt so violated, like someone had broken in. I couldn't get comfortable, didn't want to touch anything or put the baby on anything. It's just disgusting - and dangerous. I just saw a documentary in which a man was cleaning his basement and died of the hanta virus from rat poop, so this is serious stuff. I went grocery shopping and put an overturned colander over the fruit - and this morning found piles of rat shit again all over the kitchen table next to the fruit bowl, on the kitchen floor, and in the laundry room all over the area rug I just washed. I was afraid to call someone and have them put out traps or poison that would sicken us - but have decided to stop being helpless and do something about it. The rat zapper has been pretty effective for me in the past, so I am going to buy one today and set it out tonight when I know the dog can't get in it. I have to take control of this situation before I lose my mind. And then wash the entire house in bleach.

The other, and far more upsetting situation, is the fact that I have come to the undeniable realization that I have to give my beloved dog away. I never in a million years thought I'd be one of those people who has a baby and then abandons their pets - in fact, I've had many very judgmental conversations on that very topic. But the fact is I spend my whole life mad at her - I'm always yelling at her to shut up, stop it, etc. Yesterday I got her out of the kennel from my trip, hugged her and kissed her and told her I missed her - only to have her squat down on my antique Oriental rug and take a huge shit. Then when I was carrying the sleeping baby to put him down, I stepped in yet another pile of her shit with my bare feet. I just can't take it anymore. And finally, the last straw - baby was on the floor rolling around, dog went over to sniff him (as she always does), baby reached out to her (new skill learned over the weekend), and the dog snapped at him and got really aggressive. That was it. Now not only is it annoying but unsafe. So I have put some feelers out there to people who know her and have mentioned in the past they'd take her in a heartbeat if ever I needed to give her up; if all those fail I'll contact the rescue where I got her, and an old writing teacher of mine who is a dog rescuer. There's got to be someone out there who can give her a better life than being locked away and yelled at all day - and certainly having a baby that the dog doesn't jibe with is as good a reason as any to give away a dog. I know it's the right thing to do and honestly it'll be such a relief when she's gone. But the whole situation just sucks.

Also, the pool is broken again and the house is also infested with fleas. Every time I put the baby on the floor to play he gets one or two on him. Black plague, anyone?

So last night I'm contemplating this in my rat infested house, feeling guilty and gross and like I just want to throw the whole house in the washing machine, and I started a real downward spiral. I was holding my squirming, whining baby and thinking, "I can't do this. I'm way out of my depth. Sure, I've managed the last five months, but this has been easy - just feed, sleep, change. What happens when he starts moving, talking, having to be disciplined? I don't have a clue how to be a mother. I don't know what I'm doing. I never should have done this." See how quickly I go there, when pushed by stress and exhaustion? Of course I don't really think these things, but these thoughts do float by.

But now I have to stop being helpless, think like a man, and get shit done. I have to zap these rats, make a plan for the dog and recognize that it's the best thing, and comfort my whiny baby. Time to man up!